Another yuletide poem

I paint the christmas lights
black and blue
and a questionably green shade of purple
But as I flick the switch
it all looks grey;

And I'm thinking of you.

-- December 2009

Happy Holidays!

I'm in my parents house in Ljusne right now. It's just Simon and I in the house. We're just about to make some supper. Just thought I'd upload some pictures from his stay with me as well as Christmas Eve at my older brother, Fredrik's place to Flickr, and I thought I'd put a link here, in case anyone wanted to see what my holiday's looked like so far... here you can see Simon's and my preparations for the Big Event. And here is the rest ofthe chaos known as the holidays...






We've pelted past the mountain's edge
like rain splattered over a windshield
It's the twenty-fourth and too grey to care
Unwanted and romanticised memories wafting through the speakers
like poetry on the radio, surely we're dreaming
slipping on the ice, with screeching tires
I meant to write you

Dinner and holiday spirits!

I just got back from the dinner, it was lovely. I had longer conversations with three different people that weren't Ann-Sofie (her brother in law, her son in law and either her children's cousin or her children's cousin's husband, I don't remember, but basically the two dads that weren't her son...) as well as minor greetings and pleasantries with every other person present, including the children. So I was quite the social butterfly, and still relaxed. I'm telling you, I'm really getting the hang of this. The food itself was lovely too. The others had lobster, but she'd made me a vegetarian lasagna that tasted heavenly. As well as a Västerbotten pie and a whole bunch of appertizers. All the drinks were really too sweet for my tastes, but of course I drank them anyway to be polite, first champagne, which I've never been a big fan of, then white wine with the main course and this typical swedish liquor called punsch that I've never tried before and really didn't care for at all, but it was sort of lukewarm by the time I tried it and they told me it tastes better ice cold and even then you only drink a few small sips of it, so I guess it's a required taste, but I don't think I see the point in getting used to it, though. I prefer bitter and spicy drinks.

So the little one is coming tomorrow. I'm quite excited. I hope we'll have a good time for at least a day before we start hating each other... fingers crossed that we survive the holidays!

If you don't hear from me again (wow, that sounded more ominous than I intended! I mean, if I don't get around to updating my blog again until after the holidays...) have a great holiday, enjoy the foods and the sweets and whatever company you're in, light a lot of candles and don't forget to put a bowl of porridge out on your porch (for the house gnome)!

Website up and running (no, make that "jogging") again!

My website is up again! [ http://www.ida.cananime.net/ ] Since Mike decided to keep the domain for a while after all, and I'm leeching space off of him... I've only done a new layout (go figure, I know) and the welcome page and the about me page (again, go figure, I know already) but I'll keep working on it tonight maybe, add some portfolio stuff and some links, we'll see how I feel when I get home. Now I'm off to a dinner at my friend Ann-Sofie's place. If I don't get lost on the way... or fall over and is buried alive in the snow... that'd be an Alice in Wonderland way to go, wouldn't it... death by upside-down snow angel-making.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know about the site.

The calm before the storm.

I've sort of cleaned me room a bit. Not nearly enough, but some. My little brother is coming to visit on monday and staying with me for a few days before the holiday

(I'm going to stop saying "Christmas" because the word for Christmas in Swedish is "jul" as in "yule" and is not christian at all, but as long as I translate it to "christmas" I just won't ever win that argument with my christian -- sorry, catholic -- friend, about being able to celebrate the holidays without being religious, because they're not necessarily religious at all, and at no time during my life span has this particular holiday (or any other) had anything to do with jesus in my family, so I am not being a hypocrite...)

and my room was messier than messy, and although my brother is even messier than that, I would still feel better if the place was nice and clean and tidy and homey for his arrival, so that I can be an awesome, adult, whatever, big sister and yeah... so that was the plan. I did most of the laundry, and cleared the desk and most of the little sofa, and some of the floor, and then I took a break to check my email, and then I just got stuck here... because I'm not very adult or awesome, really... I got him a birthday present and a yule present though, so I don't suck completely... although his birthday was in october...

Anyway. I've been having a great time at my internship, we've been casting mostly. We had a casting for zombie extras that we did as a big group and we did some improv exercises with them, it was pretty funny... and thursday was the end of term holiday inspired party at the school and that was pretty fun too, I danced quite a bit with some people from my class, and before the party a couple of us were at Tobbe's and on our way to the party Anja and I stopped to make snow angels on the ground. We lost track of time and the metro stopped running by the time we left the party, I had no way to get home, I left before the others, and walked around in the cold and the snow for a bout an hour trying to locate a place in the city where there was a night bus that was heading in my direction, but was out of luck... I managed to find Anja and Katta, though, and Katta pursuaded us to come home with her, and she cooked for us and then let us sleep in her room. Katta is amazing.

It's so weird having all this space on the desk...

Keeping busy!

I'm having a blast at my internship. I'm working as the 2nd assistent director on one of the final films of the 3rd years at Dramatiska Institutet, his name is Hugo Lilja, and he wrote the script and is going to direct it as well. Mostly I've been working with Caroline Holgersson who has been brought in by the school to work as AD. She's really cool. They all are. And the film will probably be awesome to shoot as well, because it's a zombieflick set in 2032. We shoot in February.

And then in January I'll be combining my duties on this project on another internship that I got yesterday working as an editor's assistent on one of the other final films, that is going to be shot in Argentina in January. Hopefully I'll manage to juggle both responsibilities without going crazy!

Today I got "time off" though, since Caroline was busy elsewhere and we didn't have any castings scheduled, so I could stay at home and if something turned up do that from here. But Caroline hasn't called, so I've been working on the treatmeant for my feature-length screenplay all day. I feel energized since I started working again. I think that might have been the root of my down this time, going from the high of shooting. So my solution: keep busy!

I went to the gym last night. I was supposed to go to my Wednesday night yoga session. But spontaneously ended up trying something new instead; it's called easy line, and it was the most fun, and exhausting thing I've ever endured. I ache everywhere today, but in a good way. And I can't wait to go back! I've planned a weekly work-out schedule for myself so that I can combine the harder workouts for condition and muscles of easy line and core with yoga and rest. So on a good week I'll be working out five days out of seven. But in reality I don't see that happening, because I'm supposed to go to yoga tonight, but I got a text from Kalle saying that he was available to edit tonight, so that has to come first. It's okay though, there's another yoga session tomorrow that I could do instead of easy line, and on Sunday as well.

I've been listening to Finntroll all day. That helps keep your mood light too. 

Some irregular streams of consciousness.

I was reluctant to going to Mireya's place yesterday, since I was still in a funk, and the first hour I was thinking of excuses for leaving again, but then I got out of my head and focused on my classmates around me instead and found that I actually enjoy their company, so maybe it's not a completely logical thing to leave it... so I didn't, and I enjoyed myself, and I got out of my funk, and by the end of the night, or in the early hours of the morning, it was just myself, Min, Tobias and Mireya left, and the atmosphere took on a more cozy feel I thought. Min fell asleep on the couch, so we went into Mireya's room instead to continue talking. I fell asleep on her floor and woke up this morning tucked into a blanket. I really liked Mireya's place. And I really like Mireya. Her room mate and friend, who is also her ex girlfriend, seem quite cool too, but we only saw her briefly.



The following paragraph won't make any sense to anyone and is a boring rant about people you don't know who they are:


Min phoned me and just wanted to talk. It wasn't annoying, I couldn't think of much to say, I'm not good at small talk, but I didn't completely panic. She keeps saying she's so happy that we've become so close and she really loves hanging out with me, I think she considers me a real friend. That's cool. And totally unexpected. I didn't think I'd hang out with anyone outside of school, and if I would I expected it to be Mireya and maybe Bam Bam, but so far the ones I've hung out with the most is Anja and Min. And Kalle but that's been fairly centered around work. I had a good chat with Tobbe last night too. He's such a character, but in a very good way!




This social behaviour certainly has its ups and downs. Tomorrow I've got a full schedule of social. First my big brother and his little brat of a daughter (she says in a most affectionate manner... :)) and then Ann-Sofie, and of course as always happens when I catch up with Ann-Sofie I get her whole clan as well, she's invited me to one of her daughter's advent celebration coffee thing, 6th of December, apparently it's a big thing in Belgium and that's where they lived when the kids grew up... but yeah, I get to meet a lot of social and cheery family members as well, which should be fine, her family is great, it's awe-inspiring, I've met them before, and they're so kind and welcoming, I just hope I don't get overwhelmed and zone out, that would be rude...

I'm dyeing my hair red again. The old red faded to a copper and then to an undistinguishable colour that could be really dirty blonde or some kind of watered down orange... I think I'll name it "Rotten Strawberry Cendre"

Soon to be "Fresh Strawberry Awesome"



What follows now is a rant about the movie "Easy Rider" / non-constructively critical review:


Oh, and BY THE WAY... I accidentally bought another DVD on sale for myself when I was getting another couple of DVDs for Christmas presents, and it was "Easy Rider", because I haven't seen it, but it's got Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson, motorcycles, rock music, and it's even written and directed by Dennis Hopper, and it's supposed to be a classic right... well, I started watching it today and I couldn't believe my eyes and ears! It was TERRIBLE! I felt like I'd tumbled down the rabbit hole of terrible tastes and disappointments! I mean, really? Has anyone actually found this movie to be decent? It's a B-movie! The acting is embarassing (I didn't get to the part where Jack comes into the movie, I couldn't stand watching it anymore, and I'm sure he was great as always even in this movie, but everyone else!) the script is, I don't even know... and the whole opening scene before the title sequence, with them snorting coke (and spiking the camera!) what was that? I started fantasizing about that actually being behind the scenes footage that the editor chose to put into the beginning of the movie to excuse what was to follow, because there is no way that this movie was made by sober people. I'm shocked. I'm shell-shocked. I don't know what to say.

Plans and finished business.

So I had a bit of a down trip (not in a drug-related way.) yesterday, I just felt really off and removed from everything around me. I didn't sleep well either, had the weirdest dreams. And the feeling held on into the morning, I'm shaking it off right now with coffee and positive thoughts, or whatever.. we'll see if it works. But on the upside of all of that, I finished my novel yesterday. So that's a relief. Now I can let it go

(well, I'll have to print it before I can mail it to a publisher, and it came to a final result of 317 pages, I'm not sure if the school will be too pleased with me printing that.. but if mum prints it at work, it'll take forever, since she'll have to sneak and do it little by little.. hmm, have to think of something..)

I bought a new calender for next year, not a Moleskin like the one I've had this year actually, because I fell in love with a dark red Filofax (but I have a Moleskin notebook instead, like the one you have Ana, yes, that's right, I copied you. Deal with it.) and I've already put it to good use. I think maybe that's what it is, all this planning and productivity, it's making me stress out.. anyway, I have swim school with my niece and nephew tomorrow, then a get-together with people from class at Mireya's place. Then on Sunday I might be taking my niece to a children's film screening in the morning and then I'm meeting my old friend Ann-sofie after that. See social Ida, you'll have to start calling me now!

edit.

So last weekend I dressed up as Thelma from "Thelma & Louise" and went to a queer feminist film festival / party with Anja from my class (who dressed as Louise), we had our pictures taken with prop guns and had a few beers, saw a hilarious short film called "Revolutionärerna" and that was about as fun as it got, but it was still nice. The evening ended at a bit of an anti-climax but we still had a good time, all things considering...

I published a post before going out, telling you about this, but I deleted it because some jackass left a whole bunch terrible "poetry" in a comment and I couldn't figure out how to delete the comment and it really annoyed me, so I deleted the whole post...

In my reply to your comment, Cesar, I said that I miss you a lot today, and let's see if you'll notice that I'm thinking about you.

The show must go on...

One chapter ends and another begins; we had our group feedback meeting with our teachers today. Didn't do much good, but at least it went down civilly, and I'd feared some kind of nasty row, but it was fine. It started getting ugly towards the end, but I put my foot down and asked that we just ended the meeting, because nothing good would come out of rehashing these issues. Kalle and I are on the same page, and Azigza is reading a whole other book. I'm not going to work with him ever again, and the feeling is mutual, so what's the point in arguing over this? At least we could all agree on that.

So now Kalle and I are editing the film. Azigza is making his own, just for himself, to learn more about the editing process. It was his idea to step back from it and leave the project, and we were more than happy about that. It sucks that it should be that way, but that's the way it is, and you're not always going to get along with people you meet and work with, apparantly. It's been a really great and educational experience and my overall experience with the whole project has been really positive. I've had great fun. I've discovered that Kalle and I work extremely well together and I want to work with him again. I managed to get through the shoot and do my job as well as keep on a straight face in front of the actors even after that nasty occurance on the second morning between Azigza and me, and everything that happened, one thing after another that just added to the pile of tension and frustration. On the one hand I'm really glad that it's all over now. On the other I just want to keep going, I want to keep filming, I miss it already and I can't wait to get started on my next project!

Being social.

I went for lunch with Min and Anja yesterday. And afterwards we went to a bath house and swam for a little bit, then went to the fun area with the slides and the opening in the wall to go outside (which was really nice, because the water was warm and the air was cold) then we tried out the big slides a few times (I was the fastest down!) it's the first time I've been in one of those places for a really long time, it was fun once we got into the water, but the changing room and showers still gets my walls up.

Afterwards we went to Anja's place and had dinner and got ready to go out. We met up with a couple of guys from school and danced for a bit in this rather posh place before they closed, and then Ayedin wanted people to come home with him for an after party, but we were really tired and decided to go home instead. But I had fun.

Min called me this "morning" and wondered if I wanted to come by her place tonight and play board games. I think I'm going and I'm bringing my Swedish design playing card deck with old movie stars on them. I've actually never used it (don't trust it not to get ruined or scattered if I were to use it with my family...)

We did it!

We finished the shoot! We got everything and it all looked fantastic, I'm giddy as hell right now! The film is going to be great!

The team ended on even worse terms than we began, unfortunately, and I'm not going to be a gossip and bitch about it here, but the photographer and us other two just didn't work together, and from that perspective I'm really glad it's over, and I am never working with him again, not a chance, for several reasons that will be left un-divulged here, and I'm fine with that and I'm sure the feeling is very mutual. I'm just annoyed because I thought I could communicate and collaborate with anyone, because I consider myself quite adaptable and empathetic, but it turns out I can't. I''ve met him and I've put on a semi-happy and professional facade and got through these past three days and got the result I wanted from the shoot, but never again.

Kalle, on the other hand, my co-director, has been amazing. He's the reason I got through the negative bullshit and was able to eventually shake off what happened yesterday morning and still direct, he's basically an angel and I loved every moment of us working together and I really hope we'll work together again.

The rest of the team, who assisted ours was great too, all in all we've had a really good experience and a really great time!

Martin, the actor who played the male character in the short, texted me after they'd left today and said to tell everyone thanks, that we'd all worked great and developed a lot just during these three days and that he'd got to do a lot of really difficult stuff and we should be proud of ourselves (now, that's the best mark one could get on a school project, wouldn't you say?)

I'll give you more details on the actual film and shots and stuff later, but now I'm beat. Good night!

First day of shooting "I was here"

First of all, you are not going to believe it, but I was on set at six in the morning today. Others were not. Our lead actress had to drop off her daughter at daycare and then catch a train and she got to the house at half past eight, so by the time we got around to shooting our first take of the day we were already two hours behind schedule. And we still finished an hour earlier than we'd originally planned! So yes, we were off to a slow, slightly chaotic start, but around noon we found a rhythm and we worked really well. We just had a few minor hiccups with the photography due to our photographer, but all in all the team worked well.

The actors were great once they were there and we all got into our rhythm and got better organized. Especially our little child actor, Anja's niece Hanna, even though she technically had a really boring day because all she had to do was lie in bed and pretend to sleep every time she was in frame, and then a few times roll over in her sleep, but she did great. She kept her energy and spirit up. She seemed to have a genuinely good time. She even drew the birthday card that we needed for the breakfast tray that the dad brings the mum in the scene (and she drew it the way she would have drawn it when she was six even though she's seven, because he character is six! She even misspelled "Congratulations" to make it authentic!)

I was really worried that we wouldn't have time to get all the shots we needed for the day, especially this morning when we still hadn't heard from our actress and she didn't answer her phone, but we did get all the shots and we finished ahead of time!

After the actors had all left I sat down and cut and pasted the storyboard for tomorrow and planned the shots around Hanna so she wouldn't have to wait around all day when she wasn't needed and around the hours we'll have of daylights (the shots with the window showing have to be shot before it gets dark, and the ones facing away from the window we can recreate the light in, it's probably our biggest issue time-wise, since we have good daylight between half past eight and three this time of year -- and it only gets darker! -- and the entire film takes place during morning and noon basically, besides one tiny scene...) and while I did that and Kalle and Anja started cleaning up in the kitchen, the rest of the crew fell asleep on the set upstairs! It was rather funny actually, they'd spread out on the few comfy surfaces that were available and just passed out, the sound girl and photographer shared the couch and the 2nd photographer sprawled out on the bed we used for the scenes!

I'm really happy about today. We got some great shots. Especially the ones of her in a coma in the hospital, the lighting was excellent and it looks beautiful!

I'm really excited about tomorrow, I don't even mind the early call, I can't wait to get started and keep going with, hopefully, the same energy and rhythm we found today, and also, hopefully, the same result! It's so much fun! I'm exhausted and my whole body aches or some reason (probably the tension) but I feel awesome!

Angels and cocktail parties

I never told you about my dad's guardian angel's latest adventure, did I?

Well, my mum was in town, she was supposed to babysit my brother's kids and then come and see me and stay over at my place and take me to lunch the next day before going back home... this was the weekend I was recuperating. And I was quite looking forward to the lunch and the pity I was expecting being dying and all (I get very immature and pathetic when I'm sick) but I get a text message on my mobile saying "I'm on a train heading home, not feeling very well" so the whole thing was cancelled.

Well, I was on the phone with her later in the week and it turns out she'd called my dad on his mobile, he was on the island, working on the new cottage I suppose, and my little brother was at home by himself, and mum just called to check in... well, my dad answers the phone, completely out of it, disorientated and sounding completely wasted... and my mum started panicking and thinking he'd "relapsed" and got drunk for some reason and started painting these horror scenrios in her head, what if something happens with Simon at home, what if something happens with Thomas out there, stranded on the island and completely incapacitated, etc (I take after her, I think) and she worried to the point where she was in a right panic and she had to go home, to be there for Simon so he wouldn't be alone if nothing else...

Turns out, dad had been taking a nap in the cottage and been slowly but steadily carbon poisoned (I think that's what it's called) from the old gas stove (I think) and what happens with that is that you don't notice anything's wrong, and you get sleepy and you fall asleep and then you never wake up... so if my mum hadn't phoned my dad and woke him up, well he'd be dead now! luckily though, she did phone and wake him up, and he was all dizzy and out of it and realized something was wrong, and got out of the cottage and opened the door and windows to get all the gas out. And once again, he made it out alive.

On my side of the world, our sister team has just finished their shoot, and next week ours is up. I'm really excited. I was more nervous and anxious before, but now we've tidied up the storyboard, we've started preparing stuff ahead of time, we got all the equipment to the house yesterday and started trying out shots and lighting, which we'll be doing all day tomorrow as well; we're going to plan every shot in detail before the shoot so that we don't waste any actual filming time on setting up and adjusting lights or angles, because we're literally not going to have time. We're going to have time to do a maximum of two-three takes of each frame/scene and maybe one rehearsal and blocking, but that's it. I'm really stoked though! I think we're actually going to be able to pull it off!

Taking tonight off for Annelie (my brother's wife) and her friend's cocktail party! I'm more nervous about that I think... but it'll be fun. I haven't had time to go second hand shopping for anything to wear, but mum brought my red dress with her from home, and I don't care if it's not a cocktail dress per se, that's what I'm wearing (even though I'll look like a scarlet woman...) and black "boots" -- yes, you heard me right, Cesar, I'm going in black boots, and not fancy heels, I'm sorry, but that's just the way it's going to be! -- I can't stay too long though, and I can't drink (well, the welcome drink is fine I think, but no more after that) because I have to get up early in the morning and start preparing for the shoot! So exciting!

story boarding.

We had our second major group crisis meeting today. We all got upset. But in the end, we came together and finished the storyboard and parted on good terms. That's a good day's work, wouldn't you say? We also decided on which actors we wanted and did some paperwork (well, I didn't, but Kalle did, so the group did and anyway it was done.)

Tomorrow we're assisting our sister group as crew. They've promised a long and hard day with definite overtime. So that'll be fun. (such luxuries... we need to be working overtime too, but we won't even get full time because our lady star has to leave early every day to go pick up her kid from daycare!) But they will be providing coffee though, so that's a plus. We have to bring our own food on the other hand, which means I have to magically cook a lunch box out of the red tea bags and ketchup and other useless items that I actually own at the moment since I haven't had the energy to make it to the store this past week and today I didn't have time before they closed for the night... I'll have to think of some solution though, I can't go all day on an empty stomach, since I did that today and I'm still recuperating from my flu/cold. (I have some Swedish crispy bread and Cup A Soup if all spells fail... don't worry!)

Red Tea.

Nothing like your reckless dad and his guardian angel to put your chest cold in perspective for you... I'll save that story for another night, though. Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still alive. I did not perish in the swine flu. I have been sick (not with the swine flu, at least I don't think so...) more so than I ever remember being, but I'm feeling much better after a whole weekend of resting and watching British crime shows on DVD (Midsomer Murder and Wire in the blood) and drinking tea would you believe it

//rant follows//--> I found it, the one and only tea that doesn't make me gag! I found it the first time in Vancouver, at Death By Chocolate, and at Starbucks, but neither of those brands are available in stores over here and so I've been trying to find it again, going through all kinds of citric flavours because I remember the tea having a hint of lemon or something, and it was really spicy as well, not bitter but not sweet or fruity either... well, they all tasted awful and I was just about to give up, but then I was sullenly going through all the teas on the shelf in my local store one evening and feeling sorry for myself and there was this new sort of tea bags that were pyramid-shaped and it was red tea, or it's not really tea at all it's rooibos but it's called red tea, and I thought I'd try it and it's the one! Isn't that typical that the one tea I can stand to drink is the red one? Seems to be my theme recently... //...end of rant//

Casting is a nightmare. The girls are great and the guys are catastrophic. And the worst part is that my two class mates who are making the short with me have their heart set on this one guy and I think he's absolutely horrible and completely wrong for the part and I don't know what I'm going to do. I've demanded/begged for a second casting tomorrow and we've contacted three more guys, but I'm not even sure about those. There aren't a lot of guys in their 25-35s with a lot of experience in this town... I thought there would be, but there isn't. And most aren't right for the role. At this rate I'll have to rewrite the script and make it a lesbian couple... (one of the other groups did that actually, for the same reason...)

Busy.

Pre-production work is turning out to be really demanding and time consuming. I feel like I'm threading water and not much gets done despite doing everything at once 24/7... but at least we have a couple of actors to audition tomorrow, so that's something.

I had my big theatre school audition this morning. I was really nervous yesterday, but then by the time I got home I started feeling under the weather and then spent the entire night tossing and turning with fever chills. Not much of an improvement this morning when it was time to get up either, in fact I felt worse because I hadn't slept... but I made it into town and I stayed alive in the gruesome waiting room and then I performed the self-chosen Stepmom monologue without fainting, so that's good I guess... but in terms of performance value, I've done better and I doubt they were very impressed.

In school now. Back to work.

Keeping busy

I'm getting on the stressed side now... We shoot in less than two weeks, more like one week. But at least we've had some stupid luck in terms of finding stuff quickly; yesterday we went and for an oxygen mask and a tube (like an IV tube) from the doctor's office near the school and the nurse gave them both to us for free and basically no questions asked, and on the way from there to the school in town where we were heading to listen to the producers of the Nordic film competition awards (the Finnish producer was the only one not there, and from Sweden the director was there as well as the producer -- Lars Von Trier, surprisingly, wasn't. But his producer was. And she was rather cool...) and as we were on the metro, Kalle called the number for the junk yard thingy for cars on death row whatever that Azigza had found and he got another number to call, and that guy said, Sure thing, just swing by next week and see if you can find a car that you like! And we even get to smash the windshield of it, which means we can use the same car for before and after the crash! *fingers crossed for finding a good one*

On the downside, just to balance things out, we had a look at the studio while we were at the school, and realized that it's not going to work very well at all. So now we still have to find a flat with a spacious and nice looking bedroom!

And we have to do a storyboard, find actors and have a casting session (it was so much easier being on the other end of this, you wouldn't think so, but it is!) and besides all the production stuff in school, I have the audition for Teaterhögskolan on Monday! Which is not even a week from now, it's a weekend from now!

Audition and full night's sleep.

Movie-watching day in school; two great documentaries, one is called "Videocracy" and the other "Bananas" and they were both great. Unfortunately the guys who made them didn't make it (that sounds as though they died in the making of the movie... they were supposed to show up at our school for a discussion and Q&A afterwards, but they had to cancel.)

Brief production meeting afterwards. We were missing our third member, though.

After school, I had my audition for that folk high school short film. I pretty much prepared it on the bus. The scene was basic enough, but I was still nervous because it's the first time I've auditioned in Sweden and kind of the first time I've really actually in Swedish since theatre school in 2004... and the guys threw me for a loop as well - I'm used to the whole enter, say me name, jump into it with a reader next to the camera... well, they wanted to do an italian read of the scene first. The director is also playing the other character in the scene. We did four italian reads, each time they wanted me to speed it up. Then they wanted to start working on the scene together and try different things, and then they wanted to improvize around the script, and then they wanted to see the version that had been my initial reaction, three times...

I had a headache by the time I got out of there. But it didn't go too badly, I don't think. Good first try at a Swedish audition I'd say, good warm-up round for the theatre school audition. But the tension from being nervous, plus smoking and not eating, left me feeling a little less than fantastic when it was all over, plus you guys (who are actors) will now what a strain it is on your energy to do an audition, or act a scene! But it feels so right, though. This is definitely what I'm meant to be doing (Mum.)

Here's something crazy: when I got home I crawled into bed immediately because of my headache, and I was feeling nauseous as well, and lights were hurting my eyes... and I actually fell asleep around eight o'clock and I slept all through the night until my alarm went off just now!

Oh, the funny scenes from the trailer wasn't in tonight's episode... but it was still a good episode though. I want a little doll of my own.

Every time I remember I actually have a camera on me now, it's in the middle of the night or evening and I'm by myself, walking down the street, so all the pictures I've taken since my mum leant me the camera are of blurry street lights.

New episode of Supernatural tonight. I've got crisps and cactus drink. And I'm giddy as the fangirl I'm really not usually (but the trailer last week looked wickedly funny, so I've been looking forward to this episode!)

But first, rewrite script. No Supernatural until work is accomplished. I'm actually disconnecting my internet after I've posted this so as not to be tempted to procrastinate any further! I swear!

Also, I've lit a candle for you Cesar (that is not as ominous as it sounds, it's my way of sending you positive, healing vibes.) I hope you feel better soon!

wine.

Did not manage to get to sleep this morning, well yesterday morning, and at five I decided to Hell with it and stayed up. Had a fairly productive school day - we got sorted into our groups of three for the upcoming film project - and then after school I was lured into socialness by Anja and Min with the temptation of wine-drinking. We hung out in town for a while, got stuff to eat and talked a bit, then Min got ahold of a friend who would have us over for movie watching and wine drinking and so we went, although I was the only one who actuallt drank any wine (I've decided this does not count as drinking on my own, since other people were present!) and we watched half a movie and talked a lot and laughed a lot, and then it was midnight all of the sudden and me and Anja needed to be on our way home. I got to talking to a (probably drunk) lady on the bus about being creative and a feminist approach to the capitalist, pariarch world, etc, etc, and I was mildy entertaining and I missed my bus stop... she said, well hopefully you got some pointers out of the deal, but she was a scorpio so I'm hardly going to be taking her advice anytime soon... and then of course I got lost and walked around in the cold rain for way too long before I made it home at about two-ish, it's ow three and I'm still not sleepy! 34 hours and going strong... I need to rewrite my script and email Kalle and Azigzag who are n my group, but I should probably save that for the morning... I might have been talked into agreeing to an outing on Sunday as well. Swimming. At a bath house. I'm very likely to bail on that one, but we'll see... I had a good time tonight.

Held back a day.

Was very unfit for school this morning after having tossed and turned all night with fever and stuffed nose and aching back and other such lovely things. So I decided to stay home. I slept until five in the afternoon... I guess I was more exhausted than I thought!

Feeling a bit better now. Back is only "I did yoga"-sore, not "why the hell did you walk around in the cold without proper clothes on"-aching, so that's a good pain, not a bad one. Can definitely live with that. Fever gone and nose functioning. Should be fit for school again in the morning!

One more thing; guess what came in the mail today!? The letter from Teaterhögskolan (The theatre school)! My audition is scheduled for the 3rd of November at 8:30 in the morning! It's official! It's happening! I'm so excited! Wish me broken legs!

I just watched David Cronenberg's Naked Lunch for the first time, and I loved it. I also ventured into Täby earlier and located that gym/health club with the student discount on the one year membership and I got one. I feel healthier already. I'm catching my first class tomorrow night after school - Power Yoga! - and then in the future I thought I'd also try and catch Monday night's core classes as well, so that way I work core strenght along side my yoga every week, but next Monday I actually have an audition of sorts, so I won't make it to the gym.

I talked to the photographer in Uppsala finally. I told him that I wouldn't have time to come up for any photo shoots until Christmas holidays, just to keep my options open. Now, I only have four more people to contact. One old friend and three prospective new ones. I shall keep you updated on that.

Now I have to try and get a hold on tomorrow's schedule so I know where I'm going. Have a good night, everyone.

Saturday night flu

An old childhood friend contacted me and told me she's in town and invited me to go out with her and a number of her friends tonight for "a" pint. I have agreed and am now dolled up accordingly and ready to depart. I'm not meeting them for another two hours, but I figured I would put my mother's camera to good use before she returns to claim it and so am making an impromptu photo shoot on the way into town. Expect autumn leaves and fading daylight a mass.

Took some photos!

The rest at my Flickr!

Twitpic: cute!

thoughts on images and stories

I feel like I'm better understood here, I don't know if it's a language thing or a culture thing, but the type of stories that I want to tell and the type of ideas that I get make more sense to people here, or some people I should say, but I think in general I feel more at home in the European, and Scandinavian in particular, film culture, and I think my stories fit better and would be more accepted here.

But maybe it's because they also think in images, these people that understand what I'm trying to say or do, as well. That's something I've realized lately, well I've always known it of course, but it's become clear to me that it's the root to some of my problems with misunderstandings and difficulties expressing myself, because I think in images and I struggle first to put those images into words that make sense to myself, and then I have to try and translate those words into new words that makes sense to the person or people I'm explaining it to, and most of the time I don't get my point across at all and it always frustrates me, but that's something I've just got to work on I guess, putting words to my images. It's really weird, that. Because I usually don't have a problem with that when I'm writing, at least not when I'm writing prose, but I guess that's because I've already processed the images enough by the time someone else reads it so the translation is already made, whereas when I'm trying to tell someone of an idea, that's where the problem starts. Half the time, when I've had an idea, I've been convinced it's not complete or good enough or something, and so I've abandoned it, and that's just because I've become so frustrated with myself for not being able to express it the way it looks in my head.. but at the same time, the other half of the times, it's been the opposite, where my idea really benefits from the discussion that erupts from the misunderstandings or confusion when I can't explain it properly, so it's not always a bad thing. But I think I still need to practise expressing myself, or at least practise not getting frustrated with myself when I can't get a point across immediately!

We're doing scriptwriting this week. I'm itching to start, so far though it's been a lot of talking, but it's the first day, so that's valid, but I was getting really restless, because all of last week was all seminars and introductions and theory and film viewing, and I just want to do stuff, I'm crawling out of my skin with pent up creativity! Which is a good thing, I suppose, or preferable to having no ideas or inspiration at all, but it's also frustrating when you don't find the time to do anything. My mum was visiting this weekend, so I hung out with her

(we spent all of Saturday at the Modern Museum, and then we got crisps and soda and went back to mine and watched The Green Butchers in my room, and on Sunday we went for brunch at this vegetarian restaurant that she'd discovered at some point that I hadn't been to before, and it was awesome by the way, and then we window shopped in the pouring rain until she had to catch her train..)

and during the week I've been really out of it when I haven't been busy with school stuff and trying to get some sleep. But tonight, I've decided, I have to finish my novel. It's like an albatross about my neck.

Sleepless in Stockholm. (I think I've used that title before...)

Despite friendly efforts to put things into perspective for me, I still feel like I've sold my soul, or am about to sell my soul, or something, and I'm still at a loss for what to do. Then again, I could just have been watching too much Supernatural.. which would be quite silly indeed, seeing as I only watch that show for the eye candy and the music! But anyway.

The plan for tonight was: go to bed now (eleven o'clock), get some good old healthy sleep, wake up at five (in the morning, yeah, I know) and go for a run (I know!) and have a shower and everything before getting ready for school. Well, needless to say, it's a quarter past one and I'm as sleepless as Meg Ryan in Seattle, I just finished cooking lunch for tomorrow and figured I might as well make myself a coffee while I'm at it, and now I'm here, back at the laptop with no intention of sleeping any time soon. If the second part of The Plan pans out (that would be the running aimlessly without even being chased at five o'clock in the morning part...) I'll let you know, but knowing myself that doesn't stand a snowflake's chance either...

Speaking of snowflakes... what are the odds of changing the world within the span of one human lifetime? You think? Leave thoughts in a comment please. And don't worry. Be as pessimistic and realistic as you want, I won't become suicidal because of it. Just curious to know your POV on the idea. That's all.

Right. As I'm up and reeling, I might as well make myself useful and do some writing...

But I won't. I'll read some slash fiction instead. Because I'm useless like that.
Have a good night, guys.

My weekend in Uppsala.

So it's been a week already since my weekend from Hell. I meant to update sooner, but you know how these things go. School, own projects, insomnia demons and a few additions to the DVD collection and time just flies, as it were.

That photographer with the model agency who was interested in me finally got a hold of me and wanted to meet, so I booked train tickets to Uppsala for the weekend and arranged to stay at my aunts place both nights. First night was fine, she offered me some white wine, and I was going to say no mainly so she wouldn't drink, but it wasn't that much wine left in the carton and she had these tiny liqueur glasses so I accepted one of those, she had about four and I suspect she had the rest of the carton before I showed up as well because she got wasted rather quickly.. she started reminiscing, then she wanted to show me the newspaper with the article on Annika's death (my youngest aunt, her baby sister) and then she found a paper she wrote about the day Annike was born when she'd gone to a centre for adult learning that she wanted to read to me.. but all in all, it was fine, and she went to bed soon enough after assuring me that she would set the alarm for me so I could get an early start.

The next morning I wake up an hour and a half later than we'd agreed on and I hear voices in the kitchen. At first I get worried, but it turns out it's just one of her friends and it's the cool one and he leaves when I shut myself in the bathroom to get ready. I ask Ingela why she didn't wake me up (those of you who know me should know how stressed I was at this point, with "an hour to emotionally prepare to leave" and all...) and she explained that she was about to, but I looked so peaceful sleeping on the couch that she couldn't bring herself to do it and decided to let me sleep in.. then she asked me if I wanted a beer for breakfast.

I didn't. I had a coffee though. And I called the photographer and set a time to meet. He asked me again to come alone, and I said I would, Ingela was going to walk me there just to show me the way, but she wouldn't stick around.

Of course on the way, we had to make a stop at every park bench and bus stop where there were drunks and junkies, and chat. And show me off. Look at my girl, isn't she beautiful. Do you have any money on you?

And since we had time to spare we were going to park the bicycles at the square and walk around. They have all these tables on Saturdays, where they sell everything from ornaments to clothes second hand, as well as fresh fruit and vegetables and flowers.. of course iit was a nice thought, but I was stressing out, and Ingela's behaviour wasn't helping at all. A very gone old lady came up to us and asked Ingela to buy out for her. since she'd been barred from the liquor store. Ingela agreed, climbed over the fence and ran across the street instead of walking around to the crosswalk (to save time) was in the liqour store for a long time, and when she fnally emerged she had the lady's wine, as well as one for herself, that she cracked open and started drinking out of. We circles the square once, looking at some jackets and whatnot, but she was quickly drawn to her gang of low-lives (pardon the phrase) and there I was, in-between the raudy drunks with missing teeth and the homeless junkies looking for trouble and the my aunt who I just realized in that moment was clearly one of them and the glaring families with small children walking by on the other side.. and all I could think is, how did this happen? how did I end up here?

Of course Ingela walked me to the agency on time, but she decided to stick around, just to make sure. She sat down on a chair outside a store and lit up a smoke. The photographer showed up, and I could see he was annoyed to see her there, but he was nice about it. I told Ingela that she didn't have to wait for me, that we didnt know how long it was going to take, if we were just going to talk or actually take some pictures or what, and that I would call her or text her once I was done.

We started out talking for about an hour, then he told me to put on lipstick and we took some pictures. I really don't want to be a model. But hey, if I can get some nice pictures for my website or whatever, and some extra cash (if they sign me and get me some jobs) then it beats working in a store or as a waitress (I think...) well those pictures can't have been any good, but we basically just tested the waters, I was testing him, he was testing me.

Then I hear this voice... and my blood runs cold. It's Ingela. She showed up after all, even though I'd told her about five hundred times not to. She's just come to say she's going home, she's very drunk, and she's had time to have one of her little provocative chats with the owner of the building while she was waiting for me to emerge from the conference room... that means the photographer and the agency is in trouble. (there's an anti-drug policy in the whole house. She was reeking and stumbling, you get the picture...) I told her again that I was going to get in touch with her when I was done, she tried to mime something, probably asking if I was okay and I reassured her that yes, I'm fine, we're working, these things take time. I said I was going to cook dinner for us when I was done, and she didn't have to wait, I'll call you.

We didn't get any more work done after that. I was tense as bow string. He was pissed off (not at me, but at her) and finally he took me to the café across the street and bought me a coffee. We ran into another old guy he knows, and he joined us. Turns out he's a bit eccentric, but a film enthusiast, he collects old 3,5 mm films but also VHS and DVD, and he dreams about having a film metropolis one day. When the café closed the photographer walked me to a place from where I could locate myself to Ingela's place, and there was a convenient store, food market place there as well. We talked a bit more and set a time to meet for next day, and I wasn't going to tell Ingela. After we said goodbye I went into the store to buy some food for Ingela to have at home, my mum called because Ingela had been calling for the past couple of hours saying I was missing or something, I took the opportunity to vent and told her all that had happened, and she concluded like I had earlier that things have gotten a lot worse with her.

I didn't know what to get her, so I just threw some pasta and lentils and coffee into the basket as I was talking to my mum. I don't think she even knows what lentils are, but I'm not going to buy any meat, and it was an oriental shop, they didn't have a lot of Swedish stuff. I grabbed some crisps and a Pepsi as well, thinking we could watch a movie and have a nice time once I'd spoken to her. I didn't have the energy to cook though so I called Ingela and asked her if she'd be okay with pizza. She came and met me outside the shop and lead the way to a pizzeria, where of course she bumped into a couple of drunks, I asked her, pleaded actually, to get the pizzas to go and eat at home. One of the drunks came up to us, Ingela is that you, and what is this, leaning back anf roth, trying to focus on my face and ending up at my chest not before long, Ingela introduced me as her niece and he touched my face and tried to kiss me.. I managed to get away but I was a trembling ball of tense energy at this point, and I had to ask Ingela twice or three times, can we please go home, please, and she said, yeah yeah sure, if you want to eat at home, and then she ordered a beer to drink while we waited for the pizza and sat down at the table with the two drunk old men. I spent all my energy on not breaking for a while, ordered my pizza (she wasn't hungry) and paid for it, took my time, but eventually I had to join them at the table lest they started shouting for me to and I didn't want to disturb the normal sober people any more than necessary, so I sat down next to my aunt and waited for the pizza. The guy who had touched me took a chair and sat down right next to me instead of in the booth next to his pal, far too close for comfort, mind you he could have stood on the opposite side of the restaurant and it would have been too close for comfort.. he touched my cheek a second time, I pulled away and glared at him, and said, please don't. And he did it four more times.

Then, thankfully, the pizza was done and I all but ran to the counter and grabbed it, and I kept running, I left the place, I left the square, I just started walking, pizza in one hand, grocery bag in the other, tears stinging in the corners of my eyes and my heart in my fucking throat, I don't know which feeling was predominant, anger, disappointment, fear.. I got lost. Of course I got lost. I had to ask a lady with a dog for directions, turned out I'd been walking in the wrong direction entirely, so I had to walk back. What if she was out looking for me, and what if the old guys were with her, what if they were there waiting for me when I got to her place, if I got to her place...

I found a bench and sat down on it. Put the pizza and grocery bag down and called home. Mum answered and I started crying. I tried to explain the situation but the only thing I could be sure of was I don't want to be here and she suggested leaving the pizza and catch a train home, or if I could sit tight where I was she could jump into the car and drive down.. that's like a two hour drive, and I had to meet the photographer again the next day, and once I'd calmed down a bit I realized I was probably overreacting. We decided I should find my way to her flat first of all and then see what the situation looked like then. So I did, and she was there, alone, so I called mum and said I was fine.

I asked her if she wanted half the pizza. It was cold, but it was food. She said no. So I ate the whole thing myself. I tried talking to her but it was like talking to a two-year-old or a brick wall (or a drunk...) and I gave up and put on an act instead, it's fine, it's okay, let's forget it, it's in the past, isn't there a film on TV soon?

Freaky Friday was on. She passed out rather quickly and I ate the whole bag of crisps myself and drank the Pepsi. The next day I tried not to talk to her or her friend who showed up again (the cool one) I got my things and left. Had an outdoor photo shoot with the photographer and it went a lot better than the previous one. He wanted to sign me. He warned me again that if my aunt showed up a third time the owner might call the police. I didn't care, I said. It's not like I'm ever staying at her place ever again, anyway.

Then, catching a late train back to Stockholm and a couple of hours of sleep and then back in school on Monday morning. More drama followed but I'll leave that for another time.

I made a free portfolio on Deviant Art.

http://ida-thomasdotter.daportfolio.com/

Off to a bad start.

This photographer/agent that my aunt knows and dragged me to see a few months ago got in touch with me again. He just got back from Italy, he says. And he wanted to see me (without my aunt being there and making him stressed ...) so I told him I only have weekends available because of school, and we decided on next weekend. So I've booked my train tickets, and dad was going to call my aunt and see if I could stay at hers... I don't know how I get myself into these things, I really don't. I'm not a model! I don't want to be a model! Ah, whatever. Maybe I'll get some extra cash or at least a couple of nice photos that I can put on my website, that is in serious need of updating by the way, and I've promised Ana to make layout pictures for her web site as well, and I haven't even as much as thought about Photoshop since school started (it's threatening to file for divorce ...)

This past week seems to have taken its toll on me finally. I woke up dead. And then I realized I was running very late. And then somehow managed to drag myself out of bed, out of the house and onto the bus, and I was doing okay until I reached the metro ... then I got hit with this weight of nausea and broke out into a cold sweat and could barely see ... so I took off my sunglasses. But I was still bleary-eyed and shaky. And I decided that the amount of strenght and energy that would be required to get my arse all the way out to Alby for school would kill me a second time and I'd still be inexcusably late, so I folded under pressure and went home again. Coffee and Hammerfall and a big blanket later, I'm feeling less pitiful and less dead. Now I'm more of a zombie beating itself up for missing a day of school.

Scene, script, school stuff.

We started the acting thing at school, a guest teacher coming in, an actress and theatre director, and doing acting and directing exercises with us so that we get to try communicating and directing actors hands on kind of thing, and we've done this one day (Friday) and it was amazing, I mean, it wasn't really anything spectacular, no big revelations or anything, having done acting myself, I knew most of it from previous experiences or from knowing myself, but she's brilliant. She's quick-witted, sharp, clear, she'll get the point across, throw you a curve ball you didn't think you were ready for, make a joke, demonstrate, challenge--and all in one breath! it was exhilarating just listening to her at first, and then we got to get onto our feet and try it out, groups of three, two acting one directing, then we went round and then a couple of people got to direct their "actors" in front of everyone else, and it was so useful, I learned so much, and the great thing was we all had the same script, just a short scene, then we switched to one of ours (we were supposed to write a short scene and bring to this) and we worked on that, and then we had time for one more scene before the end of the day and I offered mine, and so I also got to direct and it was really hard, it was a lot harder than I expected it to be! Well, could be because my "actors" were both male and the scene had some romantic implications and they couldn't look each other in the eye without giggling, but that's okay... I made some huge mistakes, and we all did the same one, we would get into these long monologues with the actors, describing the scene and what we thought of the characters and what we wanted out of the script and blah blah blah, and she came up to me and said, "Be specific. Make up your mind and tell them what you want them to do." Sounds easy, I know... It's not.

Anyways. As a writer, it was a really useful exercise as well. Because depending on the director and the actors, the scene became completely different. But the funny thing was that the other three versions of my scene were similar of course (cause I wrote a really specific and condenced scene) but still completely different from each other, but each three conveyed an aspect of what I wanted to show with the scene or what I wanted to bring into it, so taking all three and combining them somehow and that would have been the scene as I picture it in my head, if that makes any sense...

I think everyone where impressed by it too, and I'm not bragging here. But the teacher gave me this look after she read it and everyone else were oddly quiet and when the groups "performed" their scenes (except for the couple of instances with boy giggles, both in my group and the other male + male pairing) there was this intense feeling in the room, like this awe surrounding us, and not because it was brilliantly written or anything, I haven't worked on it at all, I handed it in first draft, but because I think people related to the feeling of the scene for whatever reasons, but you could feel it in the energy in the room, and it felt amazing. And then several people told me they loved it as well afterward, but compliments are kind of meak in comparison to that feeling of having your work worked on I guess with such respect and reverence, that was the best compliment of all, especially one group, Bam Bam directed it and Katta and Arsen played the characters, and there was such tenderness and warmth between them, it made my heart all... well, you know, swollen and warmish.

So this is the scene that popped into my head like a lightening bolt from a clear sky about a person sitting fully dressed in a bathtub (an empty one) and then I linked it with a story idea I have in my head and on Friday night and sat down with a whole bunch of new ideas and inspiration and wrote an outline for a movie. It's almost done. There's just a couple of things still unclear. But it's kind of difficult for me to make outlines and stories in general cause I have a hard time seeing the big picture, I see single images, and I get snippets of dialogue in my head, or I think of a character, and so on, and then when I have enough material I try to put all the different pieces together and hopefully it turns into some kind of puzzle. Like with this one, all I had from the start was a bathtub, jeans and a black eye. And then a second character and a lot of tension after a fight. Frozen peas. And I didn't even know if they were siblings or a couple, I just knew they lived together and person B had hit person A and stormed out, and then returned to find person A sitting in the bathtub, hesitated, then climbed in with them and then the whole conversation taking place, trying to apologize to each other, get past it but something had been shattered and it's too late, and also didn't know the genders of the characters, so I had to go online to look for gender neutral names (cause I didn't want to go with A and B -- so I went with In and Key -- they're names, I checked. And in Swedish they're not words, so they're more neutral than they are in English...) anyways, they're a couple now, since Friday, definitely, sort of hetero, but with the gender roles reversed, I've developed this relationship drama about role playing, it makes sense in my head, but for you reading it like this I probably sound crazy more than anything...

Oh, Ces, if you're readin this, remember the Swedish family movie I showed you, "Patrik, age 1,5"? There's an actress in that movie, she's one of the neighbours, comes and sits down next to the main character and says it's a pity he's gay for being so handsome or whatever... well, that actress was at the seminar I was at all day today. I didn't talk to her though. I did my best to mingle, but things didn't go so well, but that's another story for maybe tomorrow... I'm still too frustrated to talk about it.

And it rains.

My throat is killing me, but at least I'm not running a fever anymore. It's raining.

That reminds me of a sketch by the guys from Varan-TV.

They did a sequence of sketches making fun of directors and essentially the whole Hollywood thing, where there's this typical director guy making new movie adaptations out of Astrid Lindgren's books (Pippi Longstocking?) and each one is an action movie made with adult actors, and drugs and guns and stuff, and each time when he's summerizing at the end of the sequence he always says the same thing, "It's dark. It's the ninetees... Oh, and it rains."

We started editing stuff in school now. Final Cut. I stayed late with a couple of others until I was fed up with everything between here and today. Then I went home. Got here at midnight and made myself a huge mug of disgusting tea with honey in it. For my throat. I was going to drink some this morning as well, but it's really not helping, so I'm helping myself to some coffee instead. So, there.

Fisherman's friend, Ida's better half.

Time for another update, I think.. So it's Friday evening. Another week has gone by. A particularly exhausting one, I have to say. But fun.

So on Monday we got our cameras and stuff, a not-so-brief-but-at-the-same-time-not-so-thorough-either walk-through by one of the staff, clearly not a teacher, and clearly not a film-maker either, I mean, who says, when asked something along the lines of, "What if I want to do this shot where the character does this and then that and I want to do this and that, how to I do that with the camera without fucking the exposure and white balance and blah"... "Oh, yeah, Uhm, you don't have to worry about that, this is a simple exercise, just cut inbetween the two different shots..." is creative? Is that in any way a problem solving attitude? I don't think so.

Tuesday, I woke up feeling dead, except worse. I can't really pin-point where in my body the problem lay because EVERYTHING hurt, my head, my throat, my eyes, my lower back, my chest. I was dizzy and nauseous. I was convinced I had the swine flu. And most definitely running a fever. And this is they day we get divided into small groups and get our first filming assignment. Teacher, Maria, gives us a little piece of paper with a statement, and we make it into a scene or a three minute short, so morning is spent brain-storming and script-writing, then after lunch we should be ready to start shooting, and by three o'clock we need to be ready. This is also the day I'm supposed to direct. Not a very successful shoot, as I'm sure you can imagine, in my pitiful state...

Wednesday, a lot more successful, I was feeling a bit better physically, and I was acting instead of trying to direct, didn't learn anything, but I got my confidence up again.

Wait... I'm missing a day... today's Friday, what the Hell...

Well, then I don't remember Monday.

Today, I was acting again. We had a really good time. According to the two behind the camera, the end result wasn't as good as yesterday, we didn't get all the shots we needed, we weren't as organized as we were yesterday, but that's not too surprising, because yesterday we did a simple head on sitting on a couch scene. Today, all four of us, five when the teacher came to sit in and observe, cramped into a little bathroom, with tricky through the mirror shots, and Anja and I who were acting, didn't really make it easier for Ragnar who was directing today, cause we got so into our characters and the scene that we kept going, and improvising all over the place, and barely paid any attention to him or Mireya and her frame, so it was a bit chaotic. Plus the air went rather quickly, so we were all suffering from the lack of oxygen and getting pretty dizzy as well... Oh, Ces, in the scene I wore my seahorse necklace that you got me in Chile!

Al in all a good week. My throat is really sore, but I feel more energized. I'm going to devote my weekend to getting some more writing done and possibly getting in touch with an old friend of mine who live in Stockholm.

Over and out.

I'm awake and up and ready to go, almost!

At least I didn't over-sleep today. If I had, I would seriously be considering demonic possession right now. Yesterday I turned off my alarm in my sleep (probably even before it went off) och hid the mobile under the mattress. So last night I set both my mobile alarm and my alarm clock, and put them both out of arm's reach from the bed. Just to be sure. And here I am, with ten minutes to spare. I'm awesome like that sometimes.

I had a rant about our first "theory" class with the Old School professor at DI yesterday, but I'll save it from when I dezombie.

Weekend drivel.

School is wonderful, not much more to add than my previous rant, except yesterday we set out to socialize after school, yeah, you guessed right, drink.. The other D.I. people in town had organized a game of brännboll (that's the swedish equivalent of cricket, or baseball, or something.. we always had to play it in PE at school as soon as spring showed up and I always hated it, so I was the only one not playing besides the judges.. go figures.) then we just sat around on the grass and drank and smoked and talked and got to know each other. Then it started raining.

A guy in my class wanted to drag us all to this block party, so we set out across town, got there, it got a bit darker, we were all walking down the street drinking our various beverages (I had red wine.) and then the street ended and we realized that it wasn't so much a block party but a bunch of people standing in the middle of the road drinking or thronging at the entrances of various clubs and restaurants... so basically like any other night, apparantly, I wouldn't know, I've never gone out in Stockholm... I stood talking to a Production student and a Scriptwriting student (although he didn't say much, I think he was the shy sort... what am I saying... he was writer, plain and simple!)

Another guy knew of a party in the middle of nowhere, I rather stay and finish my conversation with the guy I was talking to, and then go home, but was persuaded by Katta to come for a bit, mostly because I wouldn't know how to get home without company or at least directions... so we went out in the middle of nowhere, met the guy's sister and cousins and friends, then they wanted to go out clubbing so we went all the way back into town, and Katta and I got away from the others and decided to call it a night. My journey home was a nightmare, because I was dead exhausted and the train took forever and then I realized I'd missed all my buses and got a bit panicky... luckily I went and asked a bus driver on break if there was anyway for me to get to Enebyberg or at least closer to it, and he told me he'd be driving by there, so ten minutes later I was on a bus going home.

Borrowed two student films on DVD with me home, Elkland and Janna & Liv (wasn't on imdb for some reason), that I watched this morning whilst eating my breakfast, they were really quite good, not as good as that short I (think I) told you about before, Victor & hans bröder, which was just absolutely amazing, but still, they were really good, especially for students, I mean, you would never have guessed, they were completely professional -- and I can't wait to make my own films!! -- next week we get our film cameras and we get to start filming! I'm so excited I could listen to the song!

Thinking of you tonight.

DI [dee] class.

Everything seems to fall into place. After so many months of depression and apathy and hopelessness, I'm charged again and it's an amazing feeling, I don't have time to eat or sleep anymore, my mind is whirlwind, I'm inspired, I'm happy, I feel alive for the first time since I left Vancouver, and the class is coming together, we all feel like we've known each other forever yet we're all new, and different, it's the perfect group, I don't think there is one or a couple I can connect with more than the rest, not like in Vancouver where I developed really deep feelings and connections with a select few (that makes it feel like I selected them and they should be so lucky, but I didn't mean it like that...) but I feel quite equally about everyone, and it's not a question of forming friendships, but of coming together to create and the atmosphere around the work is friendly, if that difference makes sense to anyone else but me... but when we're together, it's very harmonious and equal, the mood is light, the energy is buzzing, and I think we're all really stoked to be here and to work together.

I really need to start doing yoga again, now that I'm regaining my mood and energy, I need to start building some strenght and become more fit and healthy and all that... I also need to start eating and sleeping better, so I don't hit a wall before this first month is even up!

Wednesday. Between the beginning of the week and the end.

Home assignment all day today. I'm sceptical. Might have to think of other things. I have the morning tomorrow as well, we don't start until after lunch. Second-guessing myself as usual. Also, I'm feeling a bit more comfortable running into my house mates, and today I cooked in their kitchen for the first time. Then I went to the library and got a pile of books. Read one. Conversed a bit with Akilles, then went into town with my CSN papers for an Eva to sign at the school, only she'd left for the day, so I'll have to go back tomorrow morning. Then I started getting a headache that got worse and worse, might have been the light and the shoulders from carrying my heavy bag for a few days now, or dehydration and malnutrition, all possibilities, but I went home, drank a whole bunch of water, ate an orange, took a pill and lay down for a while in the dark, and it went away. The ache in the head I can stand, it's when it trickles into my eyes, I hate that, because I can't use them properly, I get light sensitive and I'm such a visual person, I need to look everywhere all the time, so it's frustrating and deabilitating to have to lie down and cover your eyes because of the pain in them.

Read about the black organ market in Palestine. Lost faith in the humanity even more. Sent the link to my mother and expressed my despair. She said another world IS possible. I don't know. I'm feeling sceptical.

First day, done.

Today was my first day of school, although we still didn't get to do any work, we start that tomorrow (I can't wait!) and today was just a round tour of the school we won't spend that much time in and introduce ourselves to the students in the other departments and listen to a lot of information. And then they played Duke Ellington for fifteen minutes.

My class feels really comfortable, like everyone gets along fine already, and especially when forming a duckling line behind our teacher as she showed us around the big building this morning, and then getting mixed up with all the other students and teachers milling into lecture halls and theatres, you started picking each others faces out in the crowd and tended to herd... I guess that's just what we humans do.

I didn't get any sleep at all last night, I did go to bed at around four, but I couldn't sleep, and then at six I got up. But I was fine all day, I even went over to my brother's house after school, I needed to borrow his printer, and I decided to spend some quality time with my niece and nephew, we watched some of Asterix & Cleopatra, and then I was offered dinner before going home again, which I just did after much travelling and some disturbing conversing with random guy on the metro train.. he was very unkempt and his jacket was torn in places, plus he was carrying two plastic bags with empties, but he was my age and didn't seem like a junkie or anything, but then, the more we spoke, it became clear that something wasn't quite right, because he would drift off and space out, and he seemed disorientated and kind of sad.. but he was polite though and not frightening at all, like most people you'd see on the transit in Van.

So it's twenty to nine, I'm exhausted, I don't think I'll get any more work done today, I think I'll just finish my coffee, and take Ted Hughes to bed with me.

Some webcam pictures to give you an idea.

This is my window, and that's my flower over there..



This is my in my new room.. and behind me is the TV and the DVD, that's the mask Ana bought in Peru on the wall, although you can barely see it.. to picture left is a sofa and two closets, I'm facing the window and the desk, on the right hand wall is the bed and another bookcase like those two you can see in the background...


And this is what I've looked like all weekend, trying to edit my novel...


And that's where I'm at right now.

Good morning!

I really slept in today, it's one o'clock.. that will make getting up at six tomorrow so much easier!

I really need a shower and coffee, but there's someone out in the kitchen, and it's probably Anette, but it could be her boyfriend or his friend who arrived yesterday for a visit, and I don't want to take my chances.. I'll just wait.

I sleep great in this bed by the way, and this room has amazing energy, I haven't had trouble sleeping since I moved in!

Just your normal Saturday night.

I've been sitting here, editing my novel for the past eleven hours without a break, now my brain feels like mush and I doubt even a zombie would want at it at this point.

Also, I was thinking.. I'm losing my ideals lately, and my silver lining hope from my childhood, you know, I used to believe that it was possible to change the world, that there could be world peace, and I still want to believe all that so much, I want to believe anything is possible, I want to believe in the good in people, I want to believe there is a point and purpose to there horrors that occur all around the world every second of every day, and I want to believe that people actually give a shit, and that they try and make a difference, and they're not sheep nor evil, and I want to believe that I can still save the world, like I used to when I was little.. and it makes me despair a bit, and I get sort of depressed, and frustrated, and I just want to hide under a blanket until wither away from starvation and dehydration when I start to realize that maybe I don't believe any of that any more..

I'm Frank in the bar scene (The Indian Runner) and just like Frank, I don't have it in me to get up off my arse and exit that bar, and face the real world, and like Frank I feel like I'm about to explode sometimes. Except I wouldn't beat a bartender to death with bar stool. I don't think.

Well. On a more positive note. There's this company called Wallmans in Scandinavia (?) and they do shows and dinner theatre and stuff like that, and I remember one time when I was a kid and visiting my brother here in Stockholm, it was when he'd first moved down here, and they still did the Water Festival every summer, and it was summer and we went to the festival, and there were a couple of girls and a couple of guys from the Wallmans ensemble performing there, and I remember being in awe of these charismatic, fun, dazzling people, and I remember wanting to do that, and be like that (I was a shy little thing with stage fright at the time) and anyways, even though I rather do film or plays than dinner theatre, it would still be fun to try it, I think it's something similar to what you did before, Cesar, where you serve the customers as well as entertain them on stage and stuff like that.. well, I'd forgotten all about them, but then my brother sent me a text message this morning, telling me they're auditioning this wednesday, and that I should go check out their website, so I did, and it said they didn't want any CVs or anything, but they wanted exceptional people who can waggle their ears (!) or juggle or something, I can do neither of course, but I still sent them an emailing introducing myself, so we'll see if they give me a chance to audition.. I don't know what reply I'm hoping for, to be honest.. I'm a nervous wreck when it comes to regular auditions with sides and serious dialogue and whatnot, but I have no idea what to do for this kind of audition, they're probably expecting some Singing In The Rain bullshit, and I'll just freeze up, make a lame joke, and fall down dead. Most likely.

Well, it's not like I'm really going to have time for this kind of thing right now anyways, what with school and stuff. I start Monday. I can't wait. I'm really nervous, though, because I don't honestly know what to expect or what they expect form me.. and the teacher did say at the barbecue yesterday that we shouldn't worry, because they'd chosen us ten (one was missing and one dropped out at the last minute, they're going to try and get a hold of one of the other ones that they had put as reserves..) out of all the ones who first applied, and then those who got called for interviews, and she said we were all exceptionally talented and it's up to her and the other teachers to help show us how to best utilize our talent.. and.. stuff. But what if you just got really lucky and then you're not as good as they thought you would be and then on top of that you don't improve at all? Huh, what then?

One of the girls from my new class, Min, invited everyone to come to this party she's throwing with her friends. It's tomorrow. I know I should go, because I need to be social from the get-go, but I also wanted to finish editing this stupid novel before the weekend's over, plus it's called an ABC party... Anything But Clothes... and I am not going to a party wrapped in my yoga mat.

I should get some sleep. Or eat something, maybe, that would be a good idea.. no, actually, they have a friend visiting, so I'm not venturing outside the limits of my room. I'll sneak out in the morning and grab some coffee and a sandwich..

Well, good night.

First impressions

New people, same people: It takes her a moment
to come to terms with it, come to terms with them
not actually being the same, the whole situation
new but the same, I, who was going to be reborn,
start over, reinvent myself on this clean slate, once again
I am the same, me, always a big disappointment.

I don't know what I expected for first impressions, of myself, or them, or this first meeting,
but I seem to have been punctured somehow, it's like all the air is drained from me, I'm just bone and exhaustion, my mind won't still and I'm too tired to catch the thoughts.

Maybe I was expecting something newer, more different, more unlike anything I've ever experienced before, or maybe I was expecting something more the same, something more like what I've experienced before, the same names and faces and buildings (neither of these possibilities exist in reality -- I think I expected both.)

Soon they will be, they'll be the new familiar, the same to which I will compare the new in the future. But so far it's all new, and exciting, and tiring.

I don't know what I'm expecting from myself, and them, and this year to come,
but I will do my best to try and make the most of it.

New place.

Have to make this brief, since there is some thunder and lightening outside and I should really unplug my laptop, but I just had to let everyone know that I'm sitting at the desk in my new room, in the new house in the new town, and I am loving it here, welll in the room anyway, the other stuff is still unfamiliar and will take some getting used to, but I'm sure I will. I don't know. I unpacked most of my things last night when I got back from hanging out with my brother's family, I then went to bed missing my sleeping partner (that would be my cat, Tjockis, so don't get any ideas...) but fell asleep and slept really well all through the night and this morning I woke up and felt well rested and at ease, not tense and anxious like I usually feel when I'm in somebody else's place or anywhere new and unfamiliar, so I guess I just feel at home here now.

Meeting my class tomorrow = major anxiety, but I'm excited (think they'll take to me?)

Miss you all, wish I had my own digital camera so that I could photograph my new home and show you!

I got some little framed photographs lined up on the window sill, one of my older brother holding me as a baby of no year's old, one of my little brother when he was about ten or something, one of my mum and dad when they were young and ida-less, one (heart-shaped frame) of Tjockis, and then a larger one with four pictures in, one of Ana and me in only book club meeting, one of Cesar and me in Victory Square, one of Ana and Cesar in a pub, and the fourth is of one of my paintings, I also have my flower (the one mum gave me as a congratulations gift for getting into D.I. and which is -- so far -- the only flower I've had in my possession for more than a week without killig it...), the treasure chest Cesar bought me in Chile, one of the angels from my collection (it's been a tradition with my mum, she gets me an angel every christmas and has done since I was about ten or something), my Spirou collection , way too many books and stuff, all my DVDs, almost all of my clothes (that Cesar aren't using...), my album, my portfolio, my camera, my journals, the ceramic mask that Ana got for me in Peru for christmas, and so on and so forth, and it's the most me that any room I've lived in has been since Tjockis and I lived together in Hille when I was seventeen-eighteen (with the exception for the short time I lived with Cesar, although I mostly felt at home with Cesar, I don't think I put too many personal touches on the actual place... besides messing it up...)

Actually, never mind the camera, I wish you could come here and see it for yourself.

Well, I should round this up. Catch you on the flip-side.

Here we go again.

So my significant other, or at least as close as I'll get to it, my darling Cesar, is starring in RENT in Vancouver at the moment, the premiere has come and gone, and I really wanted to come and see it and surprise him with flowers backstage afterward and all that stuff, and it looked like it might become a reality for a moment because my dad offered to pay for the tickets, originally he was even going to come too, but then we got cramped for time, so I was going to go by myself and then we couldn't find tickets at the last minute that my dad could afford, so the whole plan just sort of deflated...

But I hear it's amazing (if you're in Vancouver you should go and see it, it's at the Playhouse, I believe, it should be advertised...) and it's getting good reviews and of course Cesar is having the time of his life, because he is literally living his dream right now, and I couldn't be happier for him (I just wish I could be there and share it with him!)

Well, on this side of the world, I am packing the last of my things (once again, the whole "one bag" notion... tsk. What a fantacy. I'm on box number five at this point.) and tomorrow I will be moving, officially and really, and for good (let's hope so, at least...) I have a couple of days to adjust to my room and the neighbourhood, then I'm meeting my new class for the first time on friday, I have the weekend to learn how to get to school and how to find my way home and where the library is and all that, and then first thing monday, I'm officially a student again!

You know, I think that's the best lifestyle for me... Because unemployment is okay, except for the whole thing about not having any money, and working well... that's just not my thing at all, I've realized, unless it's something creative like working in films, or writing, or painting or something, but there aren't many of those jobs lying around unfortunately.

Oh, and I have tonight to finish my novel as well, my deadline is tomorrow. Heh.

Rosencrantz: a poem.

Det är en låda
med kanter och stickor och hörn, fyra väggar, kanske ett lock, definitivt en botten

Det är begränsat hur mycket du kan sjunka, stiga,
avståndet mellan kortsidorna är väl utmätt, dina nyckelben en måttstock,
som en galge utanpå kläderna
Du kan inte luta dig åt vänster utan att också ligga åt höger;

Det är en trång låda, inte mycket utrymme för mycket alls
Ibland när jag blundar
kan jag flyga; jag är en drömmare

Drömmen drar ut på sömnen,
så länge jag sover
ligger locket på, Om jag bara kunde vakna, kunde jag glänta på ögonlocken, kunde jag klättra ur

Det finns inga stup eller vargar i mina drömmar
bara himmel, ibland vatten, men även om jag drunknar
drömmer jag vidare; Jag vaknar inte

inte ens när jag drömt mig död


*

It is a box
with walls and splinters and corners, four walls, maybe a lid, definitely a bottom

It is limited how much you can sink, rise
the distance between the short sides is well measured, your collarbones the yardstick,
like a hanger on top of the clothes
You can't lean towards your left without also being to the right;

It is a cramped box, not a lot of space for very much at all
Sometimes when I shur my eyes
I can fly; I am a dreamer

The dream drags out sleep,
as long as I'm sleeping
the lid stays on, if only I could wake up, could open my eyes even the slightest bit,
then I could climb out

There is no precipice and no wolves in my dreams
only sky, sometimes water, but even when I'm drowning
I dream on; I don't wake up

even when I've dreamed myself dead

Is a dream a lie if it won't come true, or is it something worse?

Back in the real world for a breather and some email-checking. My mum and I have had the island all to ourselves in the past couple of days, well Tjockis was there too, but no males, so it was quite relaxing, although I got a bit restless and I couldn't concentrate on much, and to top it all my foot is killing me for no legitimate reason what so ever. But I will not bore you with my hypochondriac nonsense--I have figured out the story of my novel, which is about time seeing as I finished the first draft of it about five years ago, but it keeps changing and I think now it's done (I just have to type it up) and now title even makes sense for the first time! Isn't it wicked how that works, it's like my old Creative Writing teacher once said, "The poetry always knows better than the Poet..." and I know the fact that I'm willing to admit I don't know absolutely everything, in itself, might come as a bit of a shock to most people bothering with this blog, but there you have it--I'm feeling a bit stronger, or should I say, I'm back to square one, and hopefully it'll keep getting better from here... time will tell, dear friends.

I actually ventures out into the "real" world the other day and night, and went out out for the first time since I moved back to Sweden, was social to the t and had a jolly enough time drinking a couple of wines at Tess's place, we even brought out a board game and I teamed up with Jenz who knows the boring categories so we obviously won, and then my darling friend Fredde got a bit too obnoxious and drunk and Tess got a bit fed up and there was a mutual agreement to end the game. After that I tagged along to the pub. We only lost three people on the way. It was kareoke night. Fun. I didn't go up and sing, much to the pleasure of most, but Fredde and the special guest appearance Mattias Frunck did, together, it was magical. I danced a bit, entered into a discussion on S&M and smoked too many cigarettes. Then I spent the night at Fredde's couch and didn't talk him out of calling in sick the next morning, so I was even a bad influence. See, I can play the game from time to time...

I can't wait for school to start. I miss having kindred spirits around me. Despite the drama, I wither away when I'm alone with my madness, I need someone to share it with. If that makes any sense. You know, I feel like an alien most of the time. What gives people the right? I mustn't think dark thoughts though, cause then there's a snowball-effect of despair and before I know it I stop believing in world peace and good and the possibility of change. I have to believe in those things. I think everyone does. Or you become depressed and irrational and rotten inside. I don't want to be rotten. I want to change things. I want to believe, to quote Fox Mulder.

And I want to see my loves, more than anything else, just for a moment, a minute, coffee and gossip and just anything to recharge my batteries!

Patience... Patience... Breathe in, breathe out.

I just finished watching a documentary on Marlon Brando. I really want to see that weird French movie he did, Last tango in Paris. And I want A streetcar named desire on DVD, for some reason. That title reminds me of Death by Chcocolate. I wonder how Hedy is... I never said Good Bye to her.