Weekend drivel.

School is wonderful, not much more to add than my previous rant, except yesterday we set out to socialize after school, yeah, you guessed right, drink.. The other D.I. people in town had organized a game of brännboll (that's the swedish equivalent of cricket, or baseball, or something.. we always had to play it in PE at school as soon as spring showed up and I always hated it, so I was the only one not playing besides the judges.. go figures.) then we just sat around on the grass and drank and smoked and talked and got to know each other. Then it started raining.

A guy in my class wanted to drag us all to this block party, so we set out across town, got there, it got a bit darker, we were all walking down the street drinking our various beverages (I had red wine.) and then the street ended and we realized that it wasn't so much a block party but a bunch of people standing in the middle of the road drinking or thronging at the entrances of various clubs and restaurants... so basically like any other night, apparantly, I wouldn't know, I've never gone out in Stockholm... I stood talking to a Production student and a Scriptwriting student (although he didn't say much, I think he was the shy sort... what am I saying... he was writer, plain and simple!)

Another guy knew of a party in the middle of nowhere, I rather stay and finish my conversation with the guy I was talking to, and then go home, but was persuaded by Katta to come for a bit, mostly because I wouldn't know how to get home without company or at least directions... so we went out in the middle of nowhere, met the guy's sister and cousins and friends, then they wanted to go out clubbing so we went all the way back into town, and Katta and I got away from the others and decided to call it a night. My journey home was a nightmare, because I was dead exhausted and the train took forever and then I realized I'd missed all my buses and got a bit panicky... luckily I went and asked a bus driver on break if there was anyway for me to get to Enebyberg or at least closer to it, and he told me he'd be driving by there, so ten minutes later I was on a bus going home.

Borrowed two student films on DVD with me home, Elkland and Janna & Liv (wasn't on imdb for some reason), that I watched this morning whilst eating my breakfast, they were really quite good, not as good as that short I (think I) told you about before, Victor & hans bröder, which was just absolutely amazing, but still, they were really good, especially for students, I mean, you would never have guessed, they were completely professional -- and I can't wait to make my own films!! -- next week we get our film cameras and we get to start filming! I'm so excited I could listen to the song!

DI [dee] class.

Everything seems to fall into place. After so many months of depression and apathy and hopelessness, I'm charged again and it's an amazing feeling, I don't have time to eat or sleep anymore, my mind is whirlwind, I'm inspired, I'm happy, I feel alive for the first time since I left Vancouver, and the class is coming together, we all feel like we've known each other forever yet we're all new, and different, it's the perfect group, I don't think there is one or a couple I can connect with more than the rest, not like in Vancouver where I developed really deep feelings and connections with a select few (that makes it feel like I selected them and they should be so lucky, but I didn't mean it like that...) but I feel quite equally about everyone, and it's not a question of forming friendships, but of coming together to create and the atmosphere around the work is friendly, if that difference makes sense to anyone else but me... but when we're together, it's very harmonious and equal, the mood is light, the energy is buzzing, and I think we're all really stoked to be here and to work together.

I really need to start doing yoga again, now that I'm regaining my mood and energy, I need to start building some strenght and become more fit and healthy and all that... I also need to start eating and sleeping better, so I don't hit a wall before this first month is even up!

First day, done.

Today was my first day of school, although we still didn't get to do any work, we start that tomorrow (I can't wait!) and today was just a round tour of the school we won't spend that much time in and introduce ourselves to the students in the other departments and listen to a lot of information. And then they played Duke Ellington for fifteen minutes.

My class feels really comfortable, like everyone gets along fine already, and especially when forming a duckling line behind our teacher as she showed us around the big building this morning, and then getting mixed up with all the other students and teachers milling into lecture halls and theatres, you started picking each others faces out in the crowd and tended to herd... I guess that's just what we humans do.

I didn't get any sleep at all last night, I did go to bed at around four, but I couldn't sleep, and then at six I got up. But I was fine all day, I even went over to my brother's house after school, I needed to borrow his printer, and I decided to spend some quality time with my niece and nephew, we watched some of Asterix & Cleopatra, and then I was offered dinner before going home again, which I just did after much travelling and some disturbing conversing with random guy on the metro train.. he was very unkempt and his jacket was torn in places, plus he was carrying two plastic bags with empties, but he was my age and didn't seem like a junkie or anything, but then, the more we spoke, it became clear that something wasn't quite right, because he would drift off and space out, and he seemed disorientated and kind of sad.. but he was polite though and not frightening at all, like most people you'd see on the transit in Van.

So it's twenty to nine, I'm exhausted, I don't think I'll get any more work done today, I think I'll just finish my coffee, and take Ted Hughes to bed with me.

First impressions

New people, same people: It takes her a moment
to come to terms with it, come to terms with them
not actually being the same, the whole situation
new but the same, I, who was going to be reborn,
start over, reinvent myself on this clean slate, once again
I am the same, me, always a big disappointment.

I don't know what I expected for first impressions, of myself, or them, or this first meeting,
but I seem to have been punctured somehow, it's like all the air is drained from me, I'm just bone and exhaustion, my mind won't still and I'm too tired to catch the thoughts.

Maybe I was expecting something newer, more different, more unlike anything I've ever experienced before, or maybe I was expecting something more the same, something more like what I've experienced before, the same names and faces and buildings (neither of these possibilities exist in reality -- I think I expected both.)

Soon they will be, they'll be the new familiar, the same to which I will compare the new in the future. But so far it's all new, and exciting, and tiring.

I don't know what I'm expecting from myself, and them, and this year to come,
but I will do my best to try and make the most of it.