I'm on the edge all the time, it's like I'm stranded in between the opposite ends of a scale, rooted to the spot, in the snowy sand of some beach at the end of the world, with this peaceful jungle on one side of me, and the stormy sea on the other. And, obviously the jungle is safe; it's homely and nice and over all safe, but the sea keeps beckoning me, it keeps calling out to me, as if I were an elf and the sound of seagulls were ringing in my ears. I don't know really what I'm talking about exactly, but one minute everything is just fine, I'm fine, I'm having a laugh and feeling quite content with everything in my life as it is, and then all of the sudden I'll just lose it and break down, and even when I am fine and happy and peaceful, I feel it at the back of my mind, or heart, or whichever place these sort of feelings are coming from. The nerve center possibly. Nervous breakdown, yeah that sounds about right. But I can feel it all the time, I literally feel as though I'm balancing on some edge, and I'm not whinging or fretting, quite the opposite, I try to ignore it, oush it out of my mind, but it's there; in the corner of my eye, I see it, all the time. And, you know, less will bring you down, if you know what I mean...
Well, here's one example; last night I went and bought a hosting package and a domain name for my new web site. And then they e-mailed me the details and the ftp server address and all of that. And nothing worked. I just totally messed it all up. And it still doesn't work, and just thinking about it brings me to this weeping state of frustration, so I'm just going to let it be for a while. Waste of bloody money, but there you go -- that's what I get for being a materialist, innit. Anyway. I was rather distraught, ridiculously enough. I went downstairs to watch a film, and I've recently purchased Finding Neverland on dvd, so I was opening that, and the plastic foil wrapping wouldn't come off, so I thought; I'll get it open with a pair of scissors, you know. Yeah... I also cut the plastic that was supposed to stay on the bloody thing. Well done, Ida. Why, thank you...
Also, I'm not sleeping again. I'm staying up most of the night, even when I've got work early in the morning and the rest of the day and evening. I stay up, and do, well I don't really know what I do... well, the other night, I was so edgy and restless that I jumped out of bed and started packing... you know. Packing all the "necessities" into a bif cardboard box, for when I'm moving... which will not happen for another six months at least... but yeah, good being prepared, sure...
Also, I'm watching The Office all the time. I've gone completely manic, again, and it's just mental because I've had a The Office Obession before so I've already seen all the episodes except for the extra xmas episodes before, but now I'm watching them over and over again every chance I get, anyway... also, I'm totally in love with Gareth... well, no... not really, I mean I love Claire... but I've definitely got the hots for him, I think he's really attractive -- in a sickly, anorectic sort of a way... yeah...
I've arranged a doctor's appointment for the 28th as well. Not as soon as I'd have hoped, but I guess it'll do. Get some pills or something, get this down over and done with, I thought... well, I'll see what the professionals say... usually they don't have anything to say, because they're incompetent tossers, but anyway... I'll give them a chance... again...
Sunday, October 23, 2005
snow
Fragments of memory: grains of conciousness
Flakes of snow swirled through
the darkened layer of sky, and
came towards me as a breeze of
night,
It was the first snowfall of the year
So, it's official: autumn is over.
It is a strange thing, even at the age of nineteen,
the age of which the body starts to disintegrate,
and slowly fall into decay - it still strikes meas magical.
I stood entranced and delighted at each flake to
land on my face and melt into a watery kiss,
shaped and delivered as a
tear,
My mother and father wanted to watch
"50 years of Eurovision Song Contests"
as if that is something to celebrate,
as oppsosed to repress and deny -
while I wanted to watch
"Eternal sunshine, of the spotless mind"
*
Today: the day after the first snowfall:
{Random Thoughts}
I was applying mascara
making my lashes spidery
and exsistent,
when I contemplated on
the prospect and meaning
of good-dark and evil-dark,
and wondered whether vampires
are considered evil by the
teachings of wicca and
nocturnal witchcraft.
There is a little snow left
on the ground outside.
The lip gloss is sticky
it reminds me of a poem
by Viggo Mortensen.
Last night I couldn't sleep again, my back hurt too much
I've even got the shadowy puffy eyes to prove it,
mascara or no.
*
Despite that one of my favorite monaboyd fics
is really just about sand - and the coplexity of it,
the many colours to be found in it - I still agree
with Joel when he says that sand is overrated.
That it is just tiny little rocks. It is. And I don't like it much.
But is snow overrated then as well? Because I like snow better.
It's cold and before it hits the ground and is stomped around,
it's clean and perfect. Like tiny fluffy cristals, swirling through
the air, dropped from the sky.
Although, that each and every snowflake should be unique,
that there isn't two that is exactly identical, that's just RIDICULOUS -
How would you know? Who'se gone around the earth and checked?
Stupid. But I like snow. Up 'til January I'll like snow. Then I'll start to hate it,
but that's just tradition. I don't mean anything by it...
Might go out and play with my best friend later - oh wait.
I've passed the age barrier of nineteen, I am no longer entitled
to the magic of childhood, but fuckit. Who want to be adult anyway?
I'm a puffy-eyed goth child - with cerise lip gloss.
and daddy's cooking me breakfast - at 4.04 pm.
Flakes of snow swirled through
the darkened layer of sky, and
came towards me as a breeze of
night,
It was the first snowfall of the year
So, it's official: autumn is over.
It is a strange thing, even at the age of nineteen,
the age of which the body starts to disintegrate,
and slowly fall into decay - it still strikes meas magical.
I stood entranced and delighted at each flake to
land on my face and melt into a watery kiss,
shaped and delivered as a
tear,
My mother and father wanted to watch
"50 years of Eurovision Song Contests"
as if that is something to celebrate,
as oppsosed to repress and deny -
while I wanted to watch
"Eternal sunshine, of the spotless mind"
*
Today: the day after the first snowfall:
{Random Thoughts}
I was applying mascara
making my lashes spidery
and exsistent,
when I contemplated on
the prospect and meaning
of good-dark and evil-dark,
and wondered whether vampires
are considered evil by the
teachings of wicca and
nocturnal witchcraft.
There is a little snow left
on the ground outside.
The lip gloss is sticky
it reminds me of a poem
by Viggo Mortensen.
Last night I couldn't sleep again, my back hurt too much
I've even got the shadowy puffy eyes to prove it,
mascara or no.
*
Despite that one of my favorite monaboyd fics
is really just about sand - and the coplexity of it,
the many colours to be found in it - I still agree
with Joel when he says that sand is overrated.
That it is just tiny little rocks. It is. And I don't like it much.
But is snow overrated then as well? Because I like snow better.
It's cold and before it hits the ground and is stomped around,
it's clean and perfect. Like tiny fluffy cristals, swirling through
the air, dropped from the sky.
Although, that each and every snowflake should be unique,
that there isn't two that is exactly identical, that's just RIDICULOUS -
How would you know? Who'se gone around the earth and checked?
Stupid. But I like snow. Up 'til January I'll like snow. Then I'll start to hate it,
but that's just tradition. I don't mean anything by it...
Might go out and play with my best friend later - oh wait.
I've passed the age barrier of nineteen, I am no longer entitled
to the magic of childhood, but fuckit. Who want to be adult anyway?
I'm a puffy-eyed goth child - with cerise lip gloss.
and daddy's cooking me breakfast - at 4.04 pm.
Friday, October 14, 2005
some inspired thoughts on divinity and other usual stuff
Today I was at the Centre for Flexible Learning - and finally it's lived up to its name! Bengt is a magnificent teacher and I felt so inspired and exhilarated after we'd quit for the day and I was walking to the bus stop. It was sunny and there were fallen leafs all around me and it was just so beautiful, and I was so full of inspiration and thought and emotion.
When I sat on the bus I took out "Angels in America Vol. II" and read a few scenes, and suddenly I had my first angelological epiphany, well more like a philosophical idea really, but I wrote it down the minute I got home anyway and I posted it as an entry in my other-LJ, which is more of a writing project than an actual journal { my_first_life } and you can read it here.
Also I got the magazine which published three of my poems in the mail today. Haven't had a time to read it just yet, but it seems really interesting. I'm going to book a train ticket to Gothenburg now, still can't really process the fact that I'm going to the Poetry Festival! I think it will be so great!!
Oh, and I watched Kingdom of Heaven last night, just bought the DVD, and thought I'd watch it when I still couldn't sleep at three o'clock. So I was up watching that 'til five this morning - and I have to say, I hadn't really expected it to be more than average, you know. But I thought it was really just so great! So I'm coaxing my family into watching it tonight. Yes, I want to watch it two nights in a row. I've watched most movies more than ten times, and a few I've even watched up to five times in a row - A home at the end of the world, being the most recent one.
When I sat on the bus I took out "Angels in America Vol. II" and read a few scenes, and suddenly I had my first angelological epiphany, well more like a philosophical idea really, but I wrote it down the minute I got home anyway and I posted it as an entry in my other-LJ, which is more of a writing project than an actual journal { my_first_life } and you can read it here.
Also I got the magazine which published three of my poems in the mail today. Haven't had a time to read it just yet, but it seems really interesting. I'm going to book a train ticket to Gothenburg now, still can't really process the fact that I'm going to the Poetry Festival! I think it will be so great!!
Oh, and I watched Kingdom of Heaven last night, just bought the DVD, and thought I'd watch it when I still couldn't sleep at three o'clock. So I was up watching that 'til five this morning - and I have to say, I hadn't really expected it to be more than average, you know. But I thought it was really just so great! So I'm coaxing my family into watching it tonight. Yes, I want to watch it two nights in a row. I've watched most movies more than ten times, and a few I've even watched up to five times in a row - A home at the end of the world, being the most recent one.
Monday, October 10, 2005
hungover and lost
Friday, after having been at CFL in the day and experienced Bengt for myself and concluded that Yes, he really is great... and so, No, the course will not have been a complete waste of time... - me, Fredde and Tessan went for a coffee afterwards.
Then I went home only to return later in the evening. We all gathered at Fredde's and watched National Treasure. Then we smoked on Tessan's waterpipe ('s that its name? you know, big vase-looking thing with a hose-like device which you suck on to inhale the smoke from the tabacco on top? Often used to smoke heavier stuff, but - and I want to point this out clearly to avoid awkward misunderstandings: we did not. Just regular tabacco - with melon flavour and all! ::grins::)
Jenz dropped by, just arrived from the military base-place, and he'd come directly to Fredde's so he hadn't had a chance to change into his regular clothes... which we obviously prevented him from doing once he got there, as well!... we all smoked and watched "Happy Tree Friends" on the internet, and then we all got restless and decided to head downtown for a bit... The main street was crowded with drunk teenagers, which was rather amusing to watch for a while, but then became quite tiresome, so we headed back to Fredde's again.
I took the night bus to Ljusne, and when I got home I fell asleep once my head hit the pillow. When I woke up the next day, I wrote this poem.
{ 3 o'clock last night. }
The night was beautiful in its
swirling inconsequence to
the population of bodies asleep
I was steady in my walk, yet
I tumbled slightly once in a while
due to the bleak darkness surrounding me
I tried snapping a picture of
some golden light displayed
on the outside wall of the village church
but I was trembling from the cold
and it all ended up in a blur
:
Then I was walking past
the little wood next to my street
and I paused at the sight of
a common maple in the midst
of birches and willows,
Startled by the way its leaves
were hit by some sourceless light,
which made them glow
in the dark,
as dots of silvery white
beckoning me to be near them
:
And then I sank through the
darkness and buried myself
beneath the cool covers of
my chilled bed,
the cold around my nest
still reaching my bones,
as I fell asleep with a slight tremor
embracing me
:
My dreams were abstract
images of starry skies in
the middle of the day,
and I woke up sometime
in the afternoon, with a
curious feeling of
happy remorse
knocking at the inside of my chest
::
i.e. Saturday morning 2005.10.08 (Jenny's birthday!)
So, moving along onto Today: Saturday Me, Fredde and Tessan went to Gefle in the evening, to see Jenny obviously since it was her nineteenth birthday!
The train was an hour late because another train had hit an elk earlier and the poor thing had somehow managed to get its hoof stuck inbetween the two tracks so ours couldn't switch over to the other which lead to Gefle. They finally worked it out and we reached our destination eventually. Fredde phoned Jenny and told her to come out on the balcony, and then we sang Happy Birthday to her from he ground!
We went out to a club later on, called Aqua: it was far from crowded, the drinks were expensive and the music shitty - but we had a good enough time anyway!
Although I was stupid enough to suggest to Jenny that we ought to order Vodka/Cola's instead of beer, just for the hell of it and old times sake (cause that's pretty much the only drink we had when we were interrailing in europe) and she agreed whole-heartedly, so even though I didn't even get intoxicated last night (it was only that one drink and then a few beers - because that was enough, besides it was expensive like I said...) I had a killer hangover when I woke up this morning...
I just cannot stomach liquor! I thought (being utterly daft and all) that it was only tequila that I can't stand, but apparantly it's vodka too! (and I am so not going to try any other sort just to find out what else I can't manage... I'll stick to beer from now on if it kills me!)
::
And now I'm just reading fics on the LJ comunity "lost_slash" and debating with myself whether or not I should call it a night...
Then I went home only to return later in the evening. We all gathered at Fredde's and watched National Treasure. Then we smoked on Tessan's waterpipe ('s that its name? you know, big vase-looking thing with a hose-like device which you suck on to inhale the smoke from the tabacco on top? Often used to smoke heavier stuff, but - and I want to point this out clearly to avoid awkward misunderstandings: we did not. Just regular tabacco - with melon flavour and all! ::grins::)
Jenz dropped by, just arrived from the military base-place, and he'd come directly to Fredde's so he hadn't had a chance to change into his regular clothes... which we obviously prevented him from doing once he got there, as well!... we all smoked and watched "Happy Tree Friends" on the internet, and then we all got restless and decided to head downtown for a bit... The main street was crowded with drunk teenagers, which was rather amusing to watch for a while, but then became quite tiresome, so we headed back to Fredde's again.
I took the night bus to Ljusne, and when I got home I fell asleep once my head hit the pillow. When I woke up the next day, I wrote this poem.
{ 3 o'clock last night. }
The night was beautiful in its
swirling inconsequence to
the population of bodies asleep
I was steady in my walk, yet
I tumbled slightly once in a while
due to the bleak darkness surrounding me
I tried snapping a picture of
some golden light displayed
on the outside wall of the village church
but I was trembling from the cold
and it all ended up in a blur
:
Then I was walking past
the little wood next to my street
and I paused at the sight of
a common maple in the midst
of birches and willows,
Startled by the way its leaves
were hit by some sourceless light,
which made them glow
in the dark,
as dots of silvery white
beckoning me to be near them
:
And then I sank through the
darkness and buried myself
beneath the cool covers of
my chilled bed,
the cold around my nest
still reaching my bones,
as I fell asleep with a slight tremor
embracing me
:
My dreams were abstract
images of starry skies in
the middle of the day,
and I woke up sometime
in the afternoon, with a
curious feeling of
happy remorse
knocking at the inside of my chest
::
i.e. Saturday morning 2005.10.08 (Jenny's birthday!)
So, moving along onto Today: Saturday Me, Fredde and Tessan went to Gefle in the evening, to see Jenny obviously since it was her nineteenth birthday!
The train was an hour late because another train had hit an elk earlier and the poor thing had somehow managed to get its hoof stuck inbetween the two tracks so ours couldn't switch over to the other which lead to Gefle. They finally worked it out and we reached our destination eventually. Fredde phoned Jenny and told her to come out on the balcony, and then we sang Happy Birthday to her from he ground!
We went out to a club later on, called Aqua: it was far from crowded, the drinks were expensive and the music shitty - but we had a good enough time anyway!
Although I was stupid enough to suggest to Jenny that we ought to order Vodka/Cola's instead of beer, just for the hell of it and old times sake (cause that's pretty much the only drink we had when we were interrailing in europe) and she agreed whole-heartedly, so even though I didn't even get intoxicated last night (it was only that one drink and then a few beers - because that was enough, besides it was expensive like I said...) I had a killer hangover when I woke up this morning...
I just cannot stomach liquor! I thought (being utterly daft and all) that it was only tequila that I can't stand, but apparantly it's vodka too! (and I am so not going to try any other sort just to find out what else I can't manage... I'll stick to beer from now on if it kills me!)
::
And now I'm just reading fics on the LJ comunity "lost_slash" and debating with myself whether or not I should call it a night...
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
autumn contemplation
I went out on Friday and had a jolly good time with my friends, even though the only intoxication I experienced was slight rush of fever which prodded me to take an early bus home, whilst my friends were quite a lot more than a little tipsy. But it was fun and everything, and I really wanted to stay on but I knew I'd regret it if I would, so I went home at midnight.
Sure enough, I've been feeling really weak and feverish since then, although my temperature's not that high so I'm not exactly dying here or anything, I'm just very very frail (not to mention hypocondriac) and my eating and sleeping habits have been really odd lately... I think I need to have more vitamins or something simple as that...
Anyway. I've been looking through my swedish poems (I'll deal with the english later) especielly the more recent ones, and I've been trying to tell whether or not I can put them/some together in a collection. On my walk today (I've been forcing myself out on walks at least once a day recently, because I need the fresh air as well as the exercise/movement) I strolled in the woods behind the cemetery and then proceeded up the northern hill, and I "wrote" a poem, in english - in my head, about grandma's funeral, and after I'd written it down properly when I got home and edit it a bit, it turned out alright...
I really haven't done much since my last entry. Mostly I've just scribbled and read in various books/slash on the internet, and watched a few movies. Tomorrow I'm going to have to go into town, because I need to have a word with my caseworker at the job office about some forms... I really rather stay at home, not because I'm lazy or anything, but because I don't feel really social at the moment. Sure I prefer to have at least one member of my family nearby, because I feel really lonely as well, but with them I don't have to put on an act of some kind, and be interesting and attractive and fun - like you feel you have to in public, or with friends (or at least I do), or even an act of civilry if you're in a bad mood. Because they're family, if you know what I mean, so you can just be yourself - or less, which it feels like I am right now...
I can tell you one thing though, it is definitely autumn now. Whenever I try to write something, especially poetry-wise, I end up describing the season because that's almost all I think and feel at the moment, because it's so unbelievably beautiful! The colours and the light, the feel of the cool fresh air, the smell of rain and grass and earth, the frightful anticipation of what is to come... I think autumn, at least during the brief time of its peak, is the most beautiful season. Because it's so vividly alive at the same time as it's obviously falling apart. Even before arriving, it's already moving away again.
I think if I were to be a seaon: if my personality or my life was to be described in the metaphor of a season: I'd like it to be autumn.
Because autumn comes thundering into the picture, changes everything abruptly - bright and breathtaking with life and firery colours and freshness and energy - and it is literally as though it sets the world on fire upon its arrival - and as opposed to fading away ever so slowly into a withering weakness which gradually becomes a nothingness eventually replaced, it chooses to let go and fall (and I could easily draw a parallell to a certain angel here, but I don't think I have to...) and then it's past.
The time inbetween autumn and winter though I think is the worst season, the nomansland of watered down dullness of greys and browns, and not much else to speak of. Just a long painful wait of the relief of the first snow. But that's the beauty of my little metaphor - no-one thinks of that time of the year as autumn, they consider it a sort of space in between that and the next, as if the loss of such a vibrant and vivid - season in this case - is in need of a particular long period for healing and grieving....
Now, who wouldn't want to be an Autumn-sort of person?
Thursday, September 29, 2005
another week has gone by...
.Saturday We left home at about 12 o’clock. I finished the book ”Och fjättra Lilith i kedjor” that I’d borrowed from Fredrik, in the car, so that I could return it when we got there. It was quite good. The detective work and computor talk went over my head, mostly due to lack of interest, but the mythology and history parts really caught my attention, because I’m really interested in both of those genres.
We only took one wrong turn, or I should say Dad only took one wrong turn (cause it was he who was driving after all) and we managed to locate Gröndal rather painlessly. It took about three hours in total.
When we got there we had coffee with Fredrik and Annelie and then we all sort of just hung about until it was time to go to the theatre. Fredrik had gotten tickets for ”Charlie and the chocolate factory” and of course I was giddy and excited as a child on christmas (and I was the only one too, I might add)
And... The movie was great! Obviously... So Tim Burton, i.e. fairytale-like and magical and wonderful! and Johnny Depp was a most magnificent Willy Wonka! I think he really outdid himself in this performance! Of course I was also the only one who was literally bouncing as we left the theatre again afterwards as well, and who was beaming with a facesplitting grin and whose eyes had been magically enlarged by euphoria... the others smiled faintly and said that it was quite funny... Obviously the Burton-brilliance is above their level of comprehension..
:::
.Sunday Me, dad and Fredrik went on a long walk, it was refreshingly chilly in the air, but the sun was bright and warm as if it was still June. It quite beautiful though. Anyway, I had my shades... Besides, I really needed the exercise and fresh air! I love autumn! We walked by the water as well so it was really great! (I have a water fetish, or something...)
Then I sat on the balcony and talked to Annelie for a bit. And later in the evening, mum arrived as well.
Also, I took some really cool photos from the balcony.
:::
.Monday My family went to see the football match, so Simon was beside himself with excitement all morning. He'd decorated himself like a hooligan equivalent to a christmas tree and spent all morning practising various cheering songs. Really loudly.
While they were away I wrote a few new slash fics (The Prank, Last night of dreaming, and The escape Route) then Fredrik got home from work and I socialized a bit with him, and he showed me some stuff on the computor. I took notes. Then Annelie got home as well and we had dinner.
When the family got back from the match, we packed our things and said farewell and began our journey back home.
:::
.Tuesday School day. Went by rather smoothly and fast however, so no major headaches. Got some new ideas, and new writing inspiration.
:::
.Wednesday Another school day. Not over as quickly as the previous, but a lot more fun though, so it was balanced out I suppose. I handed in half of chapter two in my book for review.
Was supposed to come out with the others in the night, but I was really exhausted when I got home, not to mention my back was killing me, as were my shoulders. And to top it all, there was no bus home for me, which meant I'd be stuck in town over night. So I phoned Fredde and regretfully announced that I'd be skiving off as usual and then I spent the rest of the evening watching a movie with my dad (The life of David Gale - really good)
:::
.Thursday and furthermore the day on which I'm writing all of this, which makes it today, I guess. Took a break from my novel writing today and wrote a short story, called Hjärtat (The heart) which was about me and my best friend (Kattiz) when we went to this lake in the middle of the forest to swim one afternoon. I wrote it for a challenge in the literature magazine called Provins - they've requested texts about being young in the north of sweden, it can be a short story as well as a poem, chronicle, song lyrics etc, and a jury picks a few out that will be published in the magazine and then the readers will vote for their favorite. The winner will be interviewed and get a one year membership in the northern author society - anyway, it felt good to write something complete for once. Gave oneself a feeling of accomplishment, and I think I needed that!
Just got in from a long walk. Went strolling up in the woods behind the cemetery. It's really nice up there, too bad they've cut down so many trees in the last couple of years though...
We only took one wrong turn, or I should say Dad only took one wrong turn (cause it was he who was driving after all) and we managed to locate Gröndal rather painlessly. It took about three hours in total.
When we got there we had coffee with Fredrik and Annelie and then we all sort of just hung about until it was time to go to the theatre. Fredrik had gotten tickets for ”Charlie and the chocolate factory” and of course I was giddy and excited as a child on christmas (and I was the only one too, I might add)
And... The movie was great! Obviously... So Tim Burton, i.e. fairytale-like and magical and wonderful! and Johnny Depp was a most magnificent Willy Wonka! I think he really outdid himself in this performance! Of course I was also the only one who was literally bouncing as we left the theatre again afterwards as well, and who was beaming with a facesplitting grin and whose eyes had been magically enlarged by euphoria... the others smiled faintly and said that it was quite funny... Obviously the Burton-brilliance is above their level of comprehension..
:::
.Sunday Me, dad and Fredrik went on a long walk, it was refreshingly chilly in the air, but the sun was bright and warm as if it was still June. It quite beautiful though. Anyway, I had my shades... Besides, I really needed the exercise and fresh air! I love autumn! We walked by the water as well so it was really great! (I have a water fetish, or something...)
Then I sat on the balcony and talked to Annelie for a bit. And later in the evening, mum arrived as well.
Also, I took some really cool photos from the balcony.
:::
.Monday My family went to see the football match, so Simon was beside himself with excitement all morning. He'd decorated himself like a hooligan equivalent to a christmas tree and spent all morning practising various cheering songs. Really loudly.
While they were away I wrote a few new slash fics (The Prank, Last night of dreaming, and The escape Route) then Fredrik got home from work and I socialized a bit with him, and he showed me some stuff on the computor. I took notes. Then Annelie got home as well and we had dinner.
When the family got back from the match, we packed our things and said farewell and began our journey back home.
:::
.Tuesday School day. Went by rather smoothly and fast however, so no major headaches. Got some new ideas, and new writing inspiration.
:::
.Wednesday Another school day. Not over as quickly as the previous, but a lot more fun though, so it was balanced out I suppose. I handed in half of chapter two in my book for review.
Was supposed to come out with the others in the night, but I was really exhausted when I got home, not to mention my back was killing me, as were my shoulders. And to top it all, there was no bus home for me, which meant I'd be stuck in town over night. So I phoned Fredde and regretfully announced that I'd be skiving off as usual and then I spent the rest of the evening watching a movie with my dad (The life of David Gale - really good)
:::
.Thursday and furthermore the day on which I'm writing all of this, which makes it today, I guess. Took a break from my novel writing today and wrote a short story, called Hjärtat (The heart) which was about me and my best friend (Kattiz) when we went to this lake in the middle of the forest to swim one afternoon. I wrote it for a challenge in the literature magazine called Provins - they've requested texts about being young in the north of sweden, it can be a short story as well as a poem, chronicle, song lyrics etc, and a jury picks a few out that will be published in the magazine and then the readers will vote for their favorite. The winner will be interviewed and get a one year membership in the northern author society - anyway, it felt good to write something complete for once. Gave oneself a feeling of accomplishment, and I think I needed that!
Just got in from a long walk. Went strolling up in the woods behind the cemetery. It's really nice up there, too bad they've cut down so many trees in the last couple of years though...
Sunday, September 18, 2005
stupid adventures resulting in fever
I went out walking last night, even though I'm in a pitiful state of health, because I had to move and also I needed to get some fresh autumn-cold air into my lungues. So I went on my usual trot. I was out of breath and my heart was hammering when I was half-way, but I tried not to notice. When I reached the second bridge I saw the moon and it was if though I'd stepped into a wall. One, I stopped dead in my tracks and found I was incapable of proceeding forwards. Two, I got the wind knocked out of me from the supposed impact.
In other words, I was overwhelmed.
The moon was full and the size of a 5 swedish kronor coin and lay just on top of the horizon, and furthermore it was a pale fire-illuminated pink.
It was beautiful beyond description.
I then cursed myself for not bringing a camera with me (for the fifth time since I stepped onto the road, I might add) and then proceeded to rush home (despite complaining heart and failing lung-capacity) and thundered into the house, yelling for mum to hurry up downstairs and into the car while I got the camera from the kitchen counter and and grabbed the car keys from its position above the door frame. Being the considerate and understanding mother she is (at times), she did as she was asked (or ordered, one might also say) and we drove quickly to the water.
By then the moon had risen quite a bit up onto the sky, which had also darkened considerably, and had also shrunk and changed colour to its usual golden yellow. I took some photos anyway and then we went back home (and only stopped about five or six times along the way because I saw something I wanted to photograph)
Today I've got a fever, but I don't care, it was well worth it. And canal 4 is showing "GI Jane" tonight, which means I get to see Viggo in a movie I haven't seen yet. So, yeah. No complains!
Saturday, September 03, 2005
A red sun rises
I stayed home last night instead of going to that party-thingy. We watched ”Glasblåsarens barn” - very amusing.
When it was ended around half past eleven I surprisingly went to bed, and even more surprisingly fell right asleep.
Of course I awoke a couple of hours later at one o’clock, wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. I read for a few hours and willed the time away restlessly, as per usual.
At four in the morning I went upstairs and made a pot of coffee, then I proceeded up another set of staircases and went to awake my mother. I told her to get up because we were going to drive to the sea and watch/photograph the sunrise.
Reluctantly she obeyed. I was giddy as a child on christmas eve, whilst she was struggling with her sleep infested mind still and munched mechanically on a sandwich until she’d won out.
We drove to the end of the world and waited patiently (in her case - very fidgety and restlessly, in mine) until finally, finally the sun began to rise. It was unbelievably beautiful. Unfortunately the sky was covered in heavy clouds inches above the horizon and onwards, but in that tiny space between the water and the lower edge of the sea of clouds, you could see the glowing red eye, almost vibrating as it slowly rose and disappeared into the thick fogged-up heaven. It was neon magenta-red and although I was being viciously terrorized by a mob of mosquitoes, its beauty still managed to overwhelm me with a pain-streaked euphoria. The photos were shitty of course, because neither my mum or me possess the right equipment for nighttime or nature photography, but it’ll serve nicely as reminder.
When it was ended around half past eleven I surprisingly went to bed, and even more surprisingly fell right asleep.
Of course I awoke a couple of hours later at one o’clock, wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. I read for a few hours and willed the time away restlessly, as per usual.
At four in the morning I went upstairs and made a pot of coffee, then I proceeded up another set of staircases and went to awake my mother. I told her to get up because we were going to drive to the sea and watch/photograph the sunrise.
Reluctantly she obeyed. I was giddy as a child on christmas eve, whilst she was struggling with her sleep infested mind still and munched mechanically on a sandwich until she’d won out.
We drove to the end of the world and waited patiently (in her case - very fidgety and restlessly, in mine) until finally, finally the sun began to rise. It was unbelievably beautiful. Unfortunately the sky was covered in heavy clouds inches above the horizon and onwards, but in that tiny space between the water and the lower edge of the sea of clouds, you could see the glowing red eye, almost vibrating as it slowly rose and disappeared into the thick fogged-up heaven. It was neon magenta-red and although I was being viciously terrorized by a mob of mosquitoes, its beauty still managed to overwhelm me with a pain-streaked euphoria. The photos were shitty of course, because neither my mum or me possess the right equipment for nighttime or nature photography, but it’ll serve nicely as reminder.
Here's what it looked like:
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
written hints of the future
First day of school today. I'm still keeping an open mind. (Also my horoscope told me I'm not allowed to pout and sulk just because things turn out differently than I've expected, or they won't develope as quickly as I'd like them to...) But it actually seems promising, although I dare not say anything in advance, we'll see how it feels tomorrow and then how it feels in two weeks. These things can't be emotionally rushed into anyway - don't judge a book by its cover and all of that - but I'm rather proud of myself for being so outgoing and nice today. I went for the myseriously thoughtful but openminded and kind personality. Not blatantly inviting people to crash the haven of my mind, but also not sending them on their way without hearing. Does any of that make any sense to anyone but me, I wonder?
My shoulders hate me very much today. I hate them too. I dozed off on the sofa when I got home because it hurt too much to be standing or sitting. So I fell asleep and woke up later in the evening and now I won't be able to sleep tonight either. Go me.
Katapult Publishing's newfounded literature/poetry magasine has accepted a few of my poems to publish in their first (or among their first) editions. At first I was over the moon. Now I'm drenched in cold sweat. I can't even remember what poems I sent them. But they are by no doubt awful and I will be deeply ashamed if they're published! I should have used a pseudonym....
I want to be able to create as beautiful photographs as Viggo. But I won't even bother to read my camera's manual. Bloody Hell I'm pathetic aren't I. (Note: See how there isn't any question mark? That means it wasn't really a question, or if it was it was rhetorical. Which means; Don't answer!)
My shoulders hate me very much today. I hate them too. I dozed off on the sofa when I got home because it hurt too much to be standing or sitting. So I fell asleep and woke up later in the evening and now I won't be able to sleep tonight either. Go me.
Katapult Publishing's newfounded literature/poetry magasine has accepted a few of my poems to publish in their first (or among their first) editions. At first I was over the moon. Now I'm drenched in cold sweat. I can't even remember what poems I sent them. But they are by no doubt awful and I will be deeply ashamed if they're published! I should have used a pseudonym....
I want to be able to create as beautiful photographs as Viggo. But I won't even bother to read my camera's manual. Bloody Hell I'm pathetic aren't I. (Note: See how there isn't any question mark? That means it wasn't really a question, or if it was it was rhetorical. Which means; Don't answer!)
Monday, August 29, 2005
a useless day.
Well today's been an utter waste of time. I missed my first bus, which turned out to be a good thing really, because then I had time to have my morning coffee, and I phoned the bloke on AME instead and going over the situation briefly went just as well over the phone anyway, and then we scheduled a new appointment for Thursday. I drank my coffee in peace and quiet, and then I caught the next bus into town.
I got to the dentist's office. I waited. I was called in. They asked me how things were going with my biteband, I said fine. They said alrighty then, and I was free to leave.
I phoned my mother's mobile, but there was no answer, so I decided to go to the library against my better judgement, where I - of course - ended up picking up a bagful of books (literally) which was rather heavy and not very good on my shoulders at all. I tried to phone my mother again, and this time she answered, and I went to meet up with her at her job. I waited. I read. She finished up and we went for a coffee.
She had a bus to catch. I went to the Worker's Theatre Association Club, I was an hour early, so I waited and I read. The meeting turned out to be completely useless, because hardly no-one bothered to show up. So they set up a new time. I got a lift home.
And that was my day.
...
Well. At least I borrowed some really good books at the library. A book on Andrew Lloyd Webber's musicals amongst others, with music notes for Jesus Christ Superstar and Evita, which I'll need for my audition. Also got McBeth and Hamlet for that. And the one I've started reading, which is really good even though it unfortunately has been translated into swedish, and that's A home at the end of the world, by Michael Cunningham.
After I'd settled down for a bit when I got home, had some to eat, and coffee obviously, I went out for a walk. And I visited the cemetery. And I hugged a tree. And then I walked back home again. My mother asked me Had I been smoking?, my dad said Didn't she know I've quit? and finally I said, No I was at the cemetery hugging a tree. They frowned, but didn't comment.
And tomorrow school starts, I'm really excited, I just hope I won't get lost on my way there... but it shouldn't be a problem, because mum's given me a description on how to go to get there from the station. Anyway, I got to the Worker's Theatre Association Club House today just fine. It'll be a piece of cake.
Also my new web site - my writing archive written in ink - is finally up. It's being hosted at drunken-lullabies.net (yay!)
Here, have a look.
I got to the dentist's office. I waited. I was called in. They asked me how things were going with my biteband, I said fine. They said alrighty then, and I was free to leave.
I phoned my mother's mobile, but there was no answer, so I decided to go to the library against my better judgement, where I - of course - ended up picking up a bagful of books (literally) which was rather heavy and not very good on my shoulders at all. I tried to phone my mother again, and this time she answered, and I went to meet up with her at her job. I waited. I read. She finished up and we went for a coffee.
She had a bus to catch. I went to the Worker's Theatre Association Club, I was an hour early, so I waited and I read. The meeting turned out to be completely useless, because hardly no-one bothered to show up. So they set up a new time. I got a lift home.
And that was my day.
...
Well. At least I borrowed some really good books at the library. A book on Andrew Lloyd Webber's musicals amongst others, with music notes for Jesus Christ Superstar and Evita, which I'll need for my audition. Also got McBeth and Hamlet for that. And the one I've started reading, which is really good even though it unfortunately has been translated into swedish, and that's A home at the end of the world, by Michael Cunningham.
After I'd settled down for a bit when I got home, had some to eat, and coffee obviously, I went out for a walk. And I visited the cemetery. And I hugged a tree. And then I walked back home again. My mother asked me Had I been smoking?, my dad said Didn't she know I've quit? and finally I said, No I was at the cemetery hugging a tree. They frowned, but didn't comment.
And tomorrow school starts, I'm really excited, I just hope I won't get lost on my way there... but it shouldn't be a problem, because mum's given me a description on how to go to get there from the station. Anyway, I got to the Worker's Theatre Association Club House today just fine. It'll be a piece of cake.
Also my new web site - my writing archive written in ink - is finally up. It's being hosted at drunken-lullabies.net (yay!)
Here, have a look.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
| Your Birthdate: May 20 |
| Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading. The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly. Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group. You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection. You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil. It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in. When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate. |
Saturday, August 20, 2005
bloody summer in a nutshell
too... feckin'... hot!´...
I'm all but melting away, although it certainly feels like I am just that, so now I'm squished between two forces of heat - the fever from within and the summer heat from without - and here I was foolishly celebrating the arrival of autumn.
I went with my mother on a little expedition yesterday. We drove off to a neighbouring village, where they've opened a country life-looking coffee shop, in an old barn or whatnot, and it was quite cosy actually. On the way there, we also had the great fortune of passing a carwreckage by the side of the road. Of course I told mum to turn around and go back to it, and she did. We got out and took turns wielding the camera, and I got some really nice photos. That was happy happenstance number 1.
I'm all but melting away, although it certainly feels like I am just that, so now I'm squished between two forces of heat - the fever from within and the summer heat from without - and here I was foolishly celebrating the arrival of autumn.
I went with my mother on a little expedition yesterday. We drove off to a neighbouring village, where they've opened a country life-looking coffee shop, in an old barn or whatnot, and it was quite cosy actually. On the way there, we also had the great fortune of passing a carwreckage by the side of the road. Of course I told mum to turn around and go back to it, and she did. We got out and took turns wielding the camera, and I got some really nice photos. That was happy happenstance number 1.
Number 2 came when we were sitting at the coffee shop, drinking said coffee. A little bird came soaring past our table and flew right into a window in the wall next to it and fell to the floor right behind me. Of course my immediate concern was for the bird's wellfare, obviously, but the impact hadn't been too hard and the bird was alright save for the shock. It lay panting for a moment, but other than that its wings and legs seemed to be just fine, so I hurried to take a picture of that as well, before the manager came and scooped it up carefully to dispose of it outside. Very happy indeed. I'd gotten some really good photos.
After that we went into town. I'd scheduled to meet up with Sara, and after we'd met up she came with me and my mother to my mother's friend Anita. We had coffee at her place, which was really nice by the way, I hadn't been there yet, she moved in about a year ago, and we talked a bit about this and that. Anita is a memebr of the Worker's Theatre Association in Söderhamn. I've e-mailed the head of the board requesting to join them, but I hadn't heard from them yet. But Anita told me I could, that the woman had seemed really thrilled about it, but hadn't been able to reply to my message because Internet is a cruel force of evil - or something like that - and they're meeting on the 29th to start off the autumn/winter term. Anite said I should come as well. That's the day before I start school. Time's running out - I can't wait to get started (with my life).
The moon was full last night as well. And it was beautiful. Full and perfectly round shaped, and glowingly orange. Even though I was having a "Lost"-marathon with my family, I had to tear my gaze from the TV screen and stare out the living room window which offered a magnificent view. I even took a few photos, despite the fact that the neighbours opposite had parked themselves on the steps up to their house as usual, and were drinking beer. I managed to take three photos, before they recognized the flashing for what it was, and I retreated before they came knocking.
I was going to organize my room today. But so far I haven't been able to do anything. I was up all night painting, and I only got up at half past three, and the heat's been slowly torturing me to death since then.
I need coffee. Let's see. Half six. Which means the sun will set soon. I think... Actually how would I know? But, 6:30 means evening doesn't it? Hate being this far up north this time of year.. bloody midnight sun-syndrome... well, not for much longer. Thank heaven....
These were taken by my mum (she seems to like having a personal model at her command.. although I do most of the commanding.. even when I'm in front of the camera...) :
Saturday, August 13, 2005
coffee
Caught the noon train after having just woken up. Jenz was reading "American psycho" which he'd borrowed from Fredde about a month ago, and occasionally, when he encountered a particularly nasty paragraph he read out loud. When the train reached Ljusne, I got off and I walked the usually short distance home. This time however it felt like an eternity before I reached the house. Wasn't feeling so well, you see. Actually I started feeling ill already yesterday, but I just filed it under my usual hypocondria, but it still haven't gone away. In fact I've felt feverish all day. Also been sweating like mad, sneezed my soul back and forth between my body and the hands of Satan I think a million times by now, and except for the dull throbbing ache at the core of my brain, my head has felt completely numb. I almost wish I could say I've got a hangover, but aside from the fact that I didn't even get drunk last night, as I said, it all started yesterday, so I'm pretty sure I've got a cold. I only hope it'll pass and not get worse... I was scheduled for a photoshoot again tomorrow, and besides that, if I do get seriously ill again, I probably won't get any medication from the doctor, because it's not so long ago since I was on medication last time and if I eat them too often I'll get immune just like when I was younger...But there's a definite upside to this whole scenario as well; I've got the house all to myself until tomorrow. Which means I've lighted candles all over the living room and been watching old "Midsomer Murders"-episodes all afternoon. And after that I watched the "Lost" re-runs on telly. Basically, on the whole, it's all been quite cosy! Except for the cold-bit, but I took a painkiller for the headache at least, and the other bit wasn't that horrible, after all I'm used to being dizzy and disorientated, and during the summer I'm always bothered by the heat... Only wish I weren't so weak. I'd very much like to do some painting, or writing for that matter, but I can't seem to build up the energy at all... I sat with a writing pad earlier, thought I'd scribble some ideas or poetry while the commercial was on, but all I could think of to write down was "coffee"... I think the fever has really gone to my head... Or perhaps I'm just coming down from my caffeine-high...
Thursday, August 11, 2005
{ just restless insight }
Just a person;
just rags and bones and a heavy past
upon a searching soul, clinging to
any ensurance of comfort and self-confirmation
there is to be found.
Just like me;
and suddenly the roles are reversed
somehow, when I wasn't paying attention,
those I've clung to have turned around and squeezed the breath
out of me with their needy hugs
Just like that;
and driven me away from them
in their fear of losing me in the first place,
reminding me for an umptieth time that
I am not a people's person.
I imagine my life in a bag, ready to move,
to re-locate, whenever I feel like it.
I imagine the streets of Venice on a clear autumn day,
and a mildly crowded coffee-shop in London.
A cemetary in Paris and the pale skies in Edinburgh at christmas.
Even the insufferable sun over the african desert, even though
I can't stand neither heat nor light or the texture of sand, but all the same,
just because I can go there, and I can leave again.
I imagine a new town every day, a new country every week,
just to feel myself moving, to ensure I'm alive.
And then I imagine the hundreds of postcards
fighting each other for space on my parents refridgerator,
just to remind me that I have a home to go back to,
and that I don't have to.
A mirror might as well be a window
depending on how you look at it.
But a wall is a wall and never much more,
unless you're feeling particularly violent
and use a big hammer.
Note: the text above is not meant to be poetry.
Monday, August 08, 2005
there goes gravity
And I'm back.
We arrived home last night, after a good five days' trip, where three were spent relaxing and spending quality-time together with friends and family, and two were spent travelling from A to B and back again.
For those of you who aren'ty up-to-date with this little adventure I've been out on, I can tell you that I've been down to the swedish west coast together with my family. We had been invited to stay at (my older brother Fredrik's girlfriend) Annelie's parents summer house, and also on the way down we stopped by Gothenburg and met up with my cousins, Robin and Krille and their father Anders, at the Liseberg tivoli. I also met up with my boyfriend and talked to him over a cup of coffee, somewhat difficult chat, but life's not easy all the time I guess. I hope I won't lose him over this, he's one of my best friends.
Annelie's parents (Birgitta and Eje) summer house was lovely, and the town itself was beautiful as well. Such a fantastic scenery there by the sea, and the sky was absolutely breath-taking (you know me and clouds: I was out of it for quarters of hours at a time, just staring at the cloud formations and the light and shadows interacting across the smudging blue -- and when we got to the beach... what with all of that reflected in the water... I'm as speechless now as I was then...) Took some photos while we were down there, so I can show you what it was like to some extent...
that's mum, annelie and birgitta walking ahead of me, we're on our way to the beach
this is the beach
this is a stone on the beach
this is annelie standing on the beach
this is a pidgeon sitting on a telephone pole
and this is the whole group of us standing outside Varberg's fortress
Friday, July 29, 2005
creative hours
Started on a new painting last evening, so I've been up all night working on that, and then I resumed the task this afternoon. I'm working with oil paint, even though I dislike it, and the thing with that is that it takes forever to dry, which also affects the painting process because you have to make these really long pauses every now and then to let it dry a bit before you can apply more layers of paint. Not really to my taste, as you can understand, seeing as I'm really impatient and like to be at it for hours/days at a time when inspiration strikes me. Which is quite impossible with this one. I'd really prefer to keep working with acrylic, but I've run out of all the best colours (especially black and white) and I can't afford to stock up on paint at the moment. Guess I'll just have to make due with what I've got for the time being.
This is what it looks like so far:
I also started a new book. It's Lisbet Holst's swedish translation of Alice Sebold's "The Lovely Bones". I've only read three chapters so far, but it's really good as far as I can tell. And I tend to be very fussy when it comes to starting a new book - if it hasn't caught my attention so to speak after the first few pages, I'm likely to put it aside. But this one seems really good, so I'm pretty sure I'll finish it quite quickly. Other than that, I'm still reading Lestat's story, the new translation of Lord of the rings, Anne Brontë's novel, The amulet of Samarkand, and a self-healing guidance-thing.
I watched "The machinist" again last night. With my family this time. They all liked it a lot as well. Especially mum, to my great surprise, not that I didn't think she'd like it, but I was stone certain it was a movie more to dad's taste if you know what I mean. Mum didn't like Fight Club for instance. But I think she enjoyed the movie even more than dad did. Well, I guess it's good, considering it was she who bought it...
I took some really nice photos this morning as well, at dawn, before I went to bed and tried to fall asleep. Here's some of them:
Monday, July 25, 2005
2005-07-24 Midnight
The softening black of the summernight sky stretches out like an endless vault above the little neighbourhood, arching over the tiny houses with their mildly organized flowerbeds and haphazardly mowed lawns, like a dark blanket of false comfort. Tiny stars flicker into view occasionally in the gaps between burly grey clouds. The hidden, yellowy glowing orb shines partly through, above an artificial imitation, known as a streetlamp, around which several moths have gathered in quiet worship.
She inhales another puff of smoke slowly, her lips hugging the cigarette butt in regret and she savours the bitter taste even though she's come to hate it lately. Its rough disgusting tint curls down her throat and settles like a tumor-shaped lump in her ribcage, whilst its soul curls out into the night to join the clouds together with her breaths. She rarely finishes a whole cigarette nowadays, which is an improvement from her usual chain-smoking to be sure, and yet she can't seem to bring herself to quit entirely. As if she is desperate to hold onto anything that will ensure any sort of comfort by the secure feeling of familiarity. But she isn't really. She's just too stubborn to give it up.
There is a flutter of wings above her, but she doesn't look up to see whether it was caused by a newly awoken bat soaring past, or a sneaking angel. Instead she puts the cigarette out and cast a final glance up at the sky, which have extended its arms in welcome, awaiting the fast approaching twiligt. Her gaze flicker across it breifly, and she thinks;
"Not tonight..."
She inhales another puff of smoke slowly, her lips hugging the cigarette butt in regret and she savours the bitter taste even though she's come to hate it lately. Its rough disgusting tint curls down her throat and settles like a tumor-shaped lump in her ribcage, whilst its soul curls out into the night to join the clouds together with her breaths. She rarely finishes a whole cigarette nowadays, which is an improvement from her usual chain-smoking to be sure, and yet she can't seem to bring herself to quit entirely. As if she is desperate to hold onto anything that will ensure any sort of comfort by the secure feeling of familiarity. But she isn't really. She's just too stubborn to give it up.
There is a flutter of wings above her, but she doesn't look up to see whether it was caused by a newly awoken bat soaring past, or a sneaking angel. Instead she puts the cigarette out and cast a final glance up at the sky, which have extended its arms in welcome, awaiting the fast approaching twiligt. Her gaze flicker across it breifly, and she thinks;
"Not tonight..."
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Finished reading Harry Potter & the Halfblood Prince (Possible spoilers...)
[long silence]
[blank stare]
yeah...
[pause]
So I'v... I've read it now...
[another pause]
My mother got it for me and I read all night. At half past six in morning I decided I would be able to concentrate on what I was reading a bit better if I got some sleep, and I resumed immediatly when I woke up a few hours later. Then due to my mothers motherly qualities I had to pause in favour of consuming what is known as food. And then there was a lot of noise everywhere and I got really testy and snarled rather loudly for everyone to keep bloody QUIET because we were finally getting somewhere excitement- and plotwise. Then the mean people told me to go down to my own room if I wanted to read in peace and quiet. So I did. And then....
[makes another dramatic pause]
AND THEN IT HAPPENED!! Oh My Goddess, I can't believe it!! I am SPEECHLES, quite at a loss for words, i.e. SHOCKED! I was in a state of shock for most part of the next night.. and morning... and then I cried forever, didn't I.... then re-read the chapter in particular to try and find a loophole, and when I didn't I cried some more...I just can't believe it! How could he do that? Poor Draco... I mean, it's not like I'm going to pretend that I ever loved the old goat very most now that he's dead, I thought he could be very annoying at times when he favoured the Gryffindors, especially Harry Potter, and but he'd started to grow on me actually, and at times I can admit I even thought him funny... but these things hardly matter, because no matter how much I disliked the man, I never wanted to see him bloody DEAD. And least of all under the circumstances of it all!! 1st, how is Harry bloody Potter going to manage the task which lies ahead without his help? (Oh yes, I know, him and the rest of the Golden Trio will manage it, I'm sure... but still), the fate of the entire wizarding world depends on him! 2ond, he was obviously Draco's only chance at escaping the claws of the Death Eaters and coming over to the good side, which I think we've seen quite clearly now, is what he actually really wanted (well, he didn't want to be a murderer, and he didn't want to be a Death Eater... so basically he wanted to be on the good side) and 3rd, well I've got one word for you.... SEVERUS-BLOODY-SNAPE! MY Severus! My hero, my favorite teacher, the object of my admiration and MY HOPE! I always believed in him! I thought he was the one who would help Potter the final step of the way and-- I can't believe that he's evil! I won't! There's got to be more to it, Sev can't be evil, he can't!!
I mean, it's the first time I've ever met anyone like him!
He's witty, sarcastic, mildly evil--just enough--and dark, clad in black robes, have black greasy hair... he's like your stereotypcal Bad Guy -- and he turned out to be one of the Good Guys! That's what makes me love the character so much! Because he (along with Umbridge to some extent, death eater-wise, although I don't like her anyway for obvious reasons) shows that you don't have to be goody-goody and lovable to be on the right side! Don't judge a book by its cover and all that! But NOW!
Well that old motto's right out of the window by now isn't it!?
Now... there's got to be more to it...
Him and Dumbledore. They'd decided this together beforehand. Or they were communicating silently at the time and decided it then. Or he acted without Dumbledore's consent because he was desperate to save Draco. He didn't really kill Dumbledore. But I think Dumbeldore is actually really dead, so then he must have.... but... ARGH! I don't know! WHERE THE BLOODY HELL IS BOOK SEVEN! I WANT IT NOW! GIVE IT TO ME!!!!!!!
[passing out of lack of oxygen]
[blank stare]
yeah...
[pause]
So I'v... I've read it now...
[another pause]
My mother got it for me and I read all night. At half past six in morning I decided I would be able to concentrate on what I was reading a bit better if I got some sleep, and I resumed immediatly when I woke up a few hours later. Then due to my mothers motherly qualities I had to pause in favour of consuming what is known as food. And then there was a lot of noise everywhere and I got really testy and snarled rather loudly for everyone to keep bloody QUIET because we were finally getting somewhere excitement- and plotwise. Then the mean people told me to go down to my own room if I wanted to read in peace and quiet. So I did. And then....
[makes another dramatic pause]
AND THEN IT HAPPENED!! Oh My Goddess, I can't believe it!! I am SPEECHLES, quite at a loss for words, i.e. SHOCKED! I was in a state of shock for most part of the next night.. and morning... and then I cried forever, didn't I.... then re-read the chapter in particular to try and find a loophole, and when I didn't I cried some more...I just can't believe it! How could he do that? Poor Draco... I mean, it's not like I'm going to pretend that I ever loved the old goat very most now that he's dead, I thought he could be very annoying at times when he favoured the Gryffindors, especially Harry Potter, and but he'd started to grow on me actually, and at times I can admit I even thought him funny... but these things hardly matter, because no matter how much I disliked the man, I never wanted to see him bloody DEAD. And least of all under the circumstances of it all!! 1st, how is Harry bloody Potter going to manage the task which lies ahead without his help? (Oh yes, I know, him and the rest of the Golden Trio will manage it, I'm sure... but still), the fate of the entire wizarding world depends on him! 2ond, he was obviously Draco's only chance at escaping the claws of the Death Eaters and coming over to the good side, which I think we've seen quite clearly now, is what he actually really wanted (well, he didn't want to be a murderer, and he didn't want to be a Death Eater... so basically he wanted to be on the good side) and 3rd, well I've got one word for you.... SEVERUS-BLOODY-SNAPE! MY Severus! My hero, my favorite teacher, the object of my admiration and MY HOPE! I always believed in him! I thought he was the one who would help Potter the final step of the way and-- I can't believe that he's evil! I won't! There's got to be more to it, Sev can't be evil, he can't!!
I mean, it's the first time I've ever met anyone like him!
He's witty, sarcastic, mildly evil--just enough--and dark, clad in black robes, have black greasy hair... he's like your stereotypcal Bad Guy -- and he turned out to be one of the Good Guys! That's what makes me love the character so much! Because he (along with Umbridge to some extent, death eater-wise, although I don't like her anyway for obvious reasons) shows that you don't have to be goody-goody and lovable to be on the right side! Don't judge a book by its cover and all that! But NOW!
Well that old motto's right out of the window by now isn't it!?
Now... there's got to be more to it...
Him and Dumbledore. They'd decided this together beforehand. Or they were communicating silently at the time and decided it then. Or he acted without Dumbledore's consent because he was desperate to save Draco. He didn't really kill Dumbledore. But I think Dumbeldore is actually really dead, so then he must have.... but... ARGH! I don't know! WHERE THE BLOODY HELL IS BOOK SEVEN! I WANT IT NOW! GIVE IT TO ME!!!!!!!
[passing out of lack of oxygen]
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Bad day
I fell asleep sometime this morning and woke up at two in the afternoon. Didn't feel altogether that good, in fact I felt awful. As the first hour of my state of wakenness progressed in ache in front of the computor, my mood took a further down turn. Then Kattiz, my best friend, phoned and it turned out she felt quite the same as me, although her awfulness had an anger streak in it... Funny how it gets. We're both extremely restless to the point where we're too exhausted to do a thing, and we both get testily and moody around other people (especially our families and long-distance boyfriends) She too has had trouble sleeping, and been stressed out all summer. But it's not really wierd at all, because we've been best friends since playschool, so it'd be wierd if we weren't alike... Anyway. We decided to go for a walk together and get rid of some of that pent up energy and aggression. You'll see... with the combined power of our negative energy, we will conquere the world!! Mwahahaha! or something like that....
This was too days ago:
A man phoned
he'd purchased a book from my father
on the internet, but didn't know where
to send the money
I put my dad on and continued
to pack my life into boxes again
A quarter of an hour later
when I passed the kitchen on my way downstairs
dad was still on the phone, chatting merrily
about "The pianist" and a book about
world war two
This was too days ago:
A man phoned
he'd purchased a book from my father
on the internet, but didn't know where
to send the money
I put my dad on and continued
to pack my life into boxes again
A quarter of an hour later
when I passed the kitchen on my way downstairs
dad was still on the phone, chatting merrily
about "The pianist" and a book about
world war two
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Useless exsistence
I got a ride with my dad to the hospital in town for my appointment with the medical gymnast. It went alright. No big surprises. I'm bendy and have no muscles to support my bendiness, to make a long story short. He gave me some simple exercises for my neck and shoulders to begin with and a new appointment for august 22. After that, we met up with mum who's working this week, and we all had lunch together.
After we got home, my little brother and I went down to the village library so that he could borrow some books on soccer (to his immense pleasure) and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (probably to please me rather than himself...) I am very proud to announce that I resisted temptation with flying colours and refrained from borrowing a single book!
When we got back home, I stationed myself in the kitchen and thought I might do some writing, but for some reason (despite my five whole hours of sleep last night and big amounts of coffee) my eyelids were drooping dangerously and my arms felt strangely heavy, as if I would've done a hundred push-ups! (of course I could never do a hundred push-ups, I can't even manage to do one, but I imagine this is what your arms would feel like if you did do a hundred push-ups...) and writing was obviously out of the question.
I considered taking a nap, but by that time my mother had come home from work and she strictly advised against it in her normal motherly-hypocritic way before going for a nap herself. I pointed this out to her of course, just to underline the unfairness of it all, but she fired back with a simple "I can sleep at night, you can't" -- I still felt strongly that I was being treated awfully unfair, but nevertheless I skipped the nap, because the bottom-line of every story is Mum knows best, isn't it? -- Well, my motto has always been that I'm always right, so I'm a bit torn at the moment... But I think I'll be able to turn this whole decision and the reason behind it into my own clever making, so then it's alright!
Re-read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix last night because, guess what? I haven't gotten my hand on the sixth book yet! By now, every devoted Harry Potter fan around the world has probably read it several times over, and I haven't even touched the cover! They sold out immediatly of course, and they ordered a new stock that should be in at the end of the week, but I mean -- the end of the week! Sure, I've waited a year to read it and a few more days won't really finish me off will it, but when you're dead set on something and it doesn't turn out that way, your whole world crumbles doesn't it! I'm going mad... Harry Potter-abstinence, the heat, the unexplainable exhaution and the general fact that everything seems to go generally wrong in general just to spite me! -- well, it's enough to drive anyone up the walls, isn't it... Anyway. I'm going to read Viggo Mortensen's Recent Forgeries for a while now and calm down... My shoulders have begun to ache anyway.
This is me trying to write
And this is my sweetie Tjockis, not trying to do much at all
Monday, July 18, 2005
Ordinary Life
Went with mum to see one of her old friends today while dad and simon watched a soccer game on telly. It was really nice to get out. And mum's friend is really great, and inspiring. She let us borrow some books and the movie "Finding Neverland" which I hadn't seen yet! I have now, and it was even better than I thought it would be!
Now I just want to write all night!
But my shoulders ache and I'm tired... and besides, I have an early call tomorrow... have to get up and start dealing with my childhood and my life. By sorting through all my stuff. I need to get a grip of things. It will be really awful I imagine, but it will feel great afterwards I'm sure.
Besides, I have something to look forward to.
Harry Potter and the Halfbloof Prince!!
speaking of which... I've boarded a new slash ship! The remus/sirius which I'm currently riding towards the horizon until the crack of dawn, then I'll probably go back to Monaboyd for a while... have to write the next chapter of "Complicated Feelings" (I'm having second thoughts about that title b.t.w...) and post it on lj... just haven't had the time... or I haven't taken the time, I guess... I will tomorrow though!
Oh and this is what I looked like the evening before last:
and this is what my bite band's case looked like last night after I'd had my sleepy way with it:
hee hee!
Friday, July 15, 2005
dawn-memories and glitter powder
I've been stressed out as per usual the last couple of days. Not that I've managed to get much done, but I've been stressed all the same (or probably because of it to be honest) had a few new ideas but I haven't been doing any serious writing. I've hung out with Kattiz and Sara, we went for a coffe yesterday and then we went to garage sales-shop (or whatever it's called) and in the evening we went to this event at the hill which turned out to be completely boring, but all the same. We also met fredde there briefly. Later I spoke to Axl on the phone for a while, then again around 3 AM. He phoned just as I was creating my own writing book - I'm very handy it turned out! - and then I went to bed.
I woke up, much too late, around noon. My family was getting ready to go out to the island. I decided to stay home, at least for a couple of hours. Told them I'll give them a call when I want to come out as well. So far today, I've created a new blog on my account where I'll be posting photos of my friends and family. I've already posted some, and now I'm going to put a link to it on my site before getting dressed and walking into the village. I forgot to eat yesterday so I'm going to buy something eatable. and a pregnancy test. Oh, did I tell you... the sky was perfect the night before yesterday. You know when it's too perfect to be real... I think I wrote something about it.. oh yes, here it is.
2005-07-14 3:25 AM
I just got back inside. The sky is magnificent. The husky deep blue of twilight is bright with the first specks of dawn and full of clouds that appear to be illuminated by pink neon lights. I had to photograph it before going to bed. Just standing there in the middle of our lawn, looking off to the right of our house, the view was beyond even the faerytold perfection of childhood. It was beauty driven to the brink of surrealism and absolutely breathtaking.
And there I was; wearing my dad's shorts and my mum's sleeveless t-shirt, both of them much too bif for me (and my bite band) and my arms were glistening with the lavender oil I'd made and smeared across my ugly scars to make them bleach, holding the camera shakily to my face.
I'm quite certain that I wasn't as beautiful a sight as the morning sky itself, but I was there to see it. I was the only one to see it, and the only one in position to eternalize it with my camera. It was just me and the sky. Everyone else were sound asleep in their beds all around me. Dead to the world... it made me feel like a ghost.
Anyway. I'm going to get going now, I'm all dressed (cut-off jeans, black top and barefoot. And wearing lots of bronze metallic-looking powder, glittering away all over me, and don't ask me why - I found my old makeup from when I lived in Hille, and just went beserk...) So that's it for now. Might update this entry later on if I have any... news... of significance. yeah.
I woke up, much too late, around noon. My family was getting ready to go out to the island. I decided to stay home, at least for a couple of hours. Told them I'll give them a call when I want to come out as well. So far today, I've created a new blog on my account where I'll be posting photos of my friends and family. I've already posted some, and now I'm going to put a link to it on my site before getting dressed and walking into the village. I forgot to eat yesterday so I'm going to buy something eatable. and a pregnancy test. Oh, did I tell you... the sky was perfect the night before yesterday. You know when it's too perfect to be real... I think I wrote something about it.. oh yes, here it is.
2005-07-14 3:25 AM
I just got back inside. The sky is magnificent. The husky deep blue of twilight is bright with the first specks of dawn and full of clouds that appear to be illuminated by pink neon lights. I had to photograph it before going to bed. Just standing there in the middle of our lawn, looking off to the right of our house, the view was beyond even the faerytold perfection of childhood. It was beauty driven to the brink of surrealism and absolutely breathtaking.
And there I was; wearing my dad's shorts and my mum's sleeveless t-shirt, both of them much too bif for me (and my bite band) and my arms were glistening with the lavender oil I'd made and smeared across my ugly scars to make them bleach, holding the camera shakily to my face.
I'm quite certain that I wasn't as beautiful a sight as the morning sky itself, but I was there to see it. I was the only one to see it, and the only one in position to eternalize it with my camera. It was just me and the sky. Everyone else were sound asleep in their beds all around me. Dead to the world... it made me feel like a ghost.
Anyway. I'm going to get going now, I'm all dressed (cut-off jeans, black top and barefoot. And wearing lots of bronze metallic-looking powder, glittering away all over me, and don't ask me why - I found my old makeup from when I lived in Hille, and just went beserk...) So that's it for now. Might update this entry later on if I have any... news... of significance. yeah.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Sunkisses all over
It's been excrutiatingly hot today, I thought I was going to pass out at one point, but I didn't so, no harm done really. Went into town with my family for lunch. First place we went to didn't have any vegetarian alternatives so we left. Second place we went to did have a vegetarian alternative, although not during the summer apparently. But we stayed there all the same, and they specialized one of their dishes for me so it didn't include any meat, so that worked out okay.
I wore a black tunic that I got with the latest Elle magazine. Didn't actually buy the magazine myself, I just have to say. It's just a friend of mine's husband gets them for free in the mail, but they never read them so she's started sending them on to my address. I quite like them to be honest, not the articles so much because it's mainly about unimportant things such as celebrity gossip and fashion.. but I do like the photo section, because the pictures are really great even though the motif tend to be anorexic top models. I usually draw some of them, just for the exercise, when I have time to sit down... And I wore my new black shades. They're big and beautiful. 've got that kinda old moviestar-look to them. I quite like that. And they hide half my face, which I really like...
When we got back home, Kattiz phoned and we decided to go for a swim. But since my family, minus my dad, were going to go out to the island and swim out there, we decided against going to the lake, and came with them instead. The water was excellent! We swam across, over to Kattiz' family's island and had a coffee with them, then we swam back and had a coffee with my family. After that we went home again. The boat ran out of gas so Fredrik, my oldest brother, had to row half of the way...
I want to watch a movie. Haven't decided which movie I want to watch, but I suppose it doesn't really matter, because if I have my mind clearly set on which movie I do want to watch, I'll just be disappointed and grumpy when I'm voted down by the rest of the family... I want to paint...
I wore a black tunic that I got with the latest Elle magazine. Didn't actually buy the magazine myself, I just have to say. It's just a friend of mine's husband gets them for free in the mail, but they never read them so she's started sending them on to my address. I quite like them to be honest, not the articles so much because it's mainly about unimportant things such as celebrity gossip and fashion.. but I do like the photo section, because the pictures are really great even though the motif tend to be anorexic top models. I usually draw some of them, just for the exercise, when I have time to sit down... And I wore my new black shades. They're big and beautiful. 've got that kinda old moviestar-look to them. I quite like that. And they hide half my face, which I really like...
When we got back home, Kattiz phoned and we decided to go for a swim. But since my family, minus my dad, were going to go out to the island and swim out there, we decided against going to the lake, and came with them instead. The water was excellent! We swam across, over to Kattiz' family's island and had a coffee with them, then we swam back and had a coffee with my family. After that we went home again. The boat ran out of gas so Fredrik, my oldest brother, had to row half of the way...
I want to watch a movie. Haven't decided which movie I want to watch, but I suppose it doesn't really matter, because if I have my mind clearly set on which movie I do want to watch, I'll just be disappointed and grumpy when I'm voted down by the rest of the family... I want to paint...
Monday, July 11, 2005
Back from Weekend trip
Spent the weekend in Orsa with my family. Very dull but I need to get out more. (That's the title of one of my favorite paintings by Viggo Mortensen by the way)
Really do need to get out more though, because it can't be healthy to stay locked away inside 24/7, thinking about the executions that took place on the place de Gréve in Paris on the nineteenth century...
It isn't as bad as it sounds though, because I'm simply trying to decide whether my character (in one of the stories I'm writing on) should be burnt on the stake or decapitated... Guillotin has a nice ring to it... but when you actually think about the process; being burnt alive is quite more dramatic...
There was this one bloke in Paris that was sentenced to death by being torn apart by horses tied to his limbs, but he just wouldn't break so finally they had to cut him up with a knife... imagine that...
Anyway. I'm not as out of it as it might sound.. it just comes off that way when I'm writing. Honest.
My big brother is visiting. We watched "The emperor's new groove" just a minute ago and now everyone's gone to bed.
I better get downstairs as well so I'm not disturbing anyone... I'll try and get some sleep too...
Otherwise I can always watch "The Office" for the umptieth time... (it's so funny...!)
Beyond the rich verdure of disarranged leafy thickets were
misty hills enclosing
the calm waterbody
a pale blueish green against the opaque sky where
the vague shapes of cloud were overlapping perfectly
Really do need to get out more though, because it can't be healthy to stay locked away inside 24/7, thinking about the executions that took place on the place de Gréve in Paris on the nineteenth century...
It isn't as bad as it sounds though, because I'm simply trying to decide whether my character (in one of the stories I'm writing on) should be burnt on the stake or decapitated... Guillotin has a nice ring to it... but when you actually think about the process; being burnt alive is quite more dramatic...
There was this one bloke in Paris that was sentenced to death by being torn apart by horses tied to his limbs, but he just wouldn't break so finally they had to cut him up with a knife... imagine that...
Anyway. I'm not as out of it as it might sound.. it just comes off that way when I'm writing. Honest.
My big brother is visiting. We watched "The emperor's new groove" just a minute ago and now everyone's gone to bed.
I better get downstairs as well so I'm not disturbing anyone... I'll try and get some sleep too...
Otherwise I can always watch "The Office" for the umptieth time... (it's so funny...!)
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Paint
Well, I never really went to sleep last night. Went to bed around six or seven am, but I couldn't sleep so I watched the second series of "The Office" on DVD. When dad came down to wake up, I'd just turned the telly off and crawled beneath the coverlet and closed my eyes. He's gone to get more paint from the shop, we'll keep painting the house when he gets back I suppose. Have written two poems about that actually, house painting, a few days ago when we started. I should have them here somewhere...
On another note I've discovered a new swedish literature magazine, called ponton, and I've e-mailed them six of my old poems, just to see. I read their ad in the swedish poetry magazine lyrikvännen which mum got in the post the other day. I also read a marvelous poem, thus discovering a new favorite poet, called Jens Jönson.
runs off for a bit to paint the house
'lo, I'm back again! Found the poems too, but one was awful so scratch that one..
+
Painted house.
When you changed the red of my childhood
to a light blue, I figured
it would mark the new beginning
I was determined to get
Now you're re-painting again, I've offered to help
And as I stare up at the wall,
with the paintbrush ready for when
you have dismantled the old drainpipe,
I can't help but to fret over
how I am supposed to live my life now
in green this dull
/ ida thomasdotter 2005-07-02
On another note I've discovered a new swedish literature magazine, called ponton, and I've e-mailed them six of my old poems, just to see. I read their ad in the swedish poetry magazine lyrikvännen which mum got in the post the other day. I also read a marvelous poem, thus discovering a new favorite poet, called Jens Jönson.
runs off for a bit to paint the house
'lo, I'm back again! Found the poems too, but one was awful so scratch that one..
+
Painted house.
When you changed the red of my childhood
to a light blue, I figured
it would mark the new beginning
I was determined to get
Now you're re-painting again, I've offered to help
And as I stare up at the wall,
with the paintbrush ready for when
you have dismantled the old drainpipe,
I can't help but to fret over
how I am supposed to live my life now
in green this dull
/ ida thomasdotter 2005-07-02
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