Last night of April

I'm looking for a room to rent in Stockholm, and after five attempted scams I've decided to leave craigslist out of it and focus on other websites. One was a missionary reverend who was moving to Florida with his wife and leaving his house and furniture and everything he owned in Stockholm, and was willing to rent it out for close to nothing a month, after a significant security deposit had been transferred to his account. Another one, was talking about her family lawyer drawing up a contract, also after she'd received a transferred security deposit and when I said I wanted to meet first she stopped contacting me, the third and fourth was the same address as the second and I can only assume the same person as well, although she'd changed her name and situation of course. And lastly a person was out of the country working with HIV people and couldn't meet with me, and he didn't want to involve any agency, but if I transferred the security deposit and rent to him he would mail me the key to his apartment... yeah.

So craigslist is off the table.

I'm going to check my email now and see if Ana's written to me about the meeting she was going to. And then I'm going to hit the shower and go into town for coffee. It's a pagan holiday today, people are lighting bonfires and getting drunk. We're all worried about my little brother, because he's hanging out with friends and one of them is getting booze from his dad to share with his friends. Not good. They're too young to be drinking. And the last day of April is not a good night to be starting with the bonfires and the canal... guess I just have to trust some sort of good judgement has rubbed off on him after he came to talk to be about it last night and that his guardian angel is with him.

Somewhat writing again

I was in a cluster yesterday and I had this wave of disconnected ideas for the thriller script I've been semi-working on, and I just had to put everything else aside and focus on this before the ideas went away, so I've been cutting and pasting in my mind and used up half a rain forest worth of post-it notes, and I now have a story. And I think I might write it in Swedish instead of English. I figured, now that I'm here to stay for at least a while and want to work on some projects while I'm here, it makes more sense to write a script in Swedish and try to get it made. But at the same time I think there's more of a market for scripts in North America. Plus everyone and anyone who would be willing and able to give me feedback on it, speak English, not Swedish... so I don't know yet.

I'm working on getting myself re-located to the Capital. I might have found a way to make this happen. I just have to work really hard and hope for a bit of good luck. Shouldn't be too impossible. (At least not the Good Luck part...)

I have the house all to myself all day and night. Isn't that lovely, it's almost like I'm an adult living by myself, how crazy.

My dad made me coffee before they left.

I just, as in yesterday, when I was having lunch with my mum, found something out that kind of shocked me. See, my dad is a sober alcoholic, which I've always known. If you look at the disaster zone that is my dad's family and then take into account that my mum and dad don't drink alcohol, you can put the pieces together and guess as much, and at some point it came up in conversation too... but I always assumed that my mum and dad decided it was best to quit drinking so he wouldn't head down that same road as his dad and sisters and settle down together and have me and stuff, that's kind of what I've been lead to believe and whenever they've skirted around the issue or my dad's mentioned the reason why he quit drinking (according to him because he gets too sick the day after) it's like he's talking about a different time, as in when he was young and stupid, as in before I was born, as in before he was a dad, right? well, apparantly, he became sober when my brother was one. I was nine then.

I didn't know how to react to that. Dumbly I said, "But I've never once seen him drunk", to which my mum muttered that obviously (as in she wouldn't allow that) he had to hide it, so he snuck around with it. So up until I was nine my dad would, what, wait until I was asleep and drink himself in a stupor? That's... I don't even know. That's not right. That's not my dad as I know him. My dad fixes things and jokes around and plays the guitar and has a bad back and discovered the gardening when he got depressed and makes me coffee in the morning. He loves his family just as much as he hates it. He's the glue that keeps the rest of it together. He spends forever on the phone talking to his dad and his sisters, patiently listening to each or theirs shit about the others, and doesn't ever cut them off unless they're too drunk, and then he tells them to call him back when they're sober. And under no circumstances does he drink himself, especially not in secret. That is not the image I have of my dad since I was born.

I mean, it doesn't change anything knowing it now, because it isn't who he is anymore, that part is true. Nothing has really changed. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that I never noticed anything. I was really perceptive as a kid, even more so than I am now, and I was always a daddy's girl, meaning I following him around like a little tail, so I can't think of any opportunity that he might have had to drink when I was little, and that makes me wonder if he ever thought, I don't know, if he ever wished I wasn't there, I would go to sleep already, or something. I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter. I made me coffee before they left this morning. That's all that matters.

I'm a geek today!

I've been trapped in a world of nonsense (i.e. html and css codes) for the past twenty-four hours, unable to sleep, and tettering on the brink of insanity. today, some errands in town. caught a lift with my mum who happened to be heading in for the day as well. endured the unhelpful assistance of the job office handling officer of the day and snuck away before the mandatory information meeting with a union representative (not because i'm uninterested in the union, but because i've been to one of those meetings before, i doubt things have changed to drastically since, and even if they have... i figured unions were for the employed) went to the library, met up with my mum for lunch and hid behind a plant whenever someone i knew or used to knew or knew my mum walked by (it's a really small town!) helped my mum out with an errand and came back here to work on my website (the codes may have won the battle but they shall not win the war!)

reading "the five people you meet in heaven".

stupid people on the internet

I don't know why I even have a Qruiser account anymore (Qruiser is an internet community for homo, bi, whatever, transgender etc people, but is mainly populated by straight guys looking for teenage girls with bicurious tendencies to be honest...)

I always forget I have it so I never log in. And when I do attempt to log in I'm placed in line to actually get in (just that, what internet community does that?) and when I'm finally in, like just now, I get harassed by some horny straight guy in stockholm, speaking english with bad grammar, with a picture of the eiffeltower instead of a facial photo and pathetic pick-up lines. And to top it all off, when politely asked to fuck off for the third time, he tries to outsmart me with semantics when he's clearly illiterate! honestly!

i hate stupid people (not mentally challenged, but stupid) especially the ones that just won't. go. away!

I just spoke to Ana on the phone!

I sneakily neglected to tell her about the post card I wrote to her this morning, so it won't be "old news" when it finally finds its way to her, unlike last time... not that it contained much news to begin with... not much has happened. I'm about halfway through the novel I'm editing. Tomorrow I have the kids' theatre group thing again. And I'm finishing up the application for the film course at the end of this week. Still unemployed, still living in my parents' basement, still had it up to here with the Swedish negativity. But things are looking up, I think. Possibly.

I have some loose ends that I need to tie up, like canceling my mobile phone plan and terminating my Canadian bank account, telling Claire I won't be going to Emily Carr after all, telling Emily Carr I won't be going there after all, what else... I'm sure there's more...

I was up all night and designed a website - the stupid codes were not very cooperative, hence the "whole night" part of that sentence - the actual layout took no time at all, I'm quite Photoshop-skilled, it's the html and css and whatnot that makes the whole thing tricky... I also discovered that the codes work differently depending on your whether you use Explorer or Firefox, why do they do that, I don't get it, I hate technology, it's fickle and spiteful and just won't do what I tell it!

It's monday, what do you expect?

No video today I'm afraid. Just plain old-fashioned writing (it is what I do best, after all... and so modest!) I'm positioned at the old kitchen table, procrastinating and marvelling at the shortage of hair on my head (it's liberating to chop off your hair, okay, I'm not over it yet, give me a break!)

My mother got a parcel from Nova Scotia today, from Tony's parents, for some reason. We're all puzzled about it, I wanted to respond with a witty (and mean) "Romeo & Juliet" quote, but the mother had a visit by Jiminy Cricket and the parcel has been left unresponded to at this time.

I put together another little short in Windows Movie Maker (this stuff is addictive, it seems! although... I can get addicted to anything and everything, so maybe it's just me...) this one is even artsier and uncomprehensible than the first one I did, mostly symbolic and mainly pretentious, but there is a cool scene where I chop off my hair that makes it worth while to watch at least once (I said give me a break!)

Dad is fixing the hall. Brother is adolescent. Mum is at work. So that leaves me and the cat and I think I'm going to go for a walk once I've finished my coffee.

My 2nd video blog (surprise surprise!)

Trying something different (this is for Cesar!)

What do you know... two can play this game!
Okay, I'm not good at it... but I can play it! :)
/ from Hell with love,
Ida

Wake-up Call.

Gone to Stockholm with my family over the weekend. Simon and I just went with Milou (my neice) on a walk so she'd fall asleep in her pram. I just got my laptop out to watch Cesar's latest video blog and got a small but very attentive audience, my nephew Theo, who stood as transfixed next to my chair and stared at the screen, then demanded with gestures and gurgling (but without tearing his gaze from the screen) to be placed in my lap so he could see it better (and curl his little fingers around my hair, or earlobe, or bra strap...)

My friends kidnapped me and I hung out with them for a few hours. We sat on Tess' balcony (although she wasn't there, she's on Gran Canaria with her new boyfriend.) and drank beer, chain-smoked and talked shit and made stupid jokes. It was fun, I mean it wasn't not fun, I had a good time, which I usually do when I take it for what it is, and in small doses, because I can adapt easily in social situations, it's just depending on the people or the circumstances I can keep it up for longer or shorter periods of time or more or less frequently. But it's becoming more and more apparant that I don't belong in my old circles, I've branched out and lost my grip. I'm an alien here now. My friends and I barely have any common interests left. I have a good enough time when I hang out with them, but I want different things out of life and I also think I've changed a bit while I've been living in Canada, and there's a gap between us now. If they've changed they've changed in a different direction than I have, because we're not on the same page anymore. It's confirmed.

Oh, and I got into an argument about legalizing prostitution again. Seems like that is a universal subject, and I've yet to find people who actually side with me on this, except for my mum, so I'm beginning to think maybe there's something wrong with me, maybe I'm the crazy one, I don't know... I just can't wrap my mind around that way of thinking, but whatever. I don't have the energy to get involved in any issues right now. A teacher from my old elementary/secondary school (who I didn't even had, I had his wife, in Art) told my dad once that I was unique girl, or in his own word "not the kind to come by the dozen", sometimes I wonder if that's actually a positive thing...

I'm going to write a few articles for "Kustnytt" (a local magazine), unfortunately I won't get paid for them, but at least, I don't even know, practise, motivation, see my name in print, whatever, there must be something positive to gain from it.

My brother's girlfriend, sorry, wife, Annelie, is great to talk to. She's not negative like everyone back home, and she's great to brain storm with and always helps me find perspective and things just feels a bit easier when I'm around her. We just talked about my situation, and she suggested biting the bullet and try and get a job in that tele support company where all my friends work just through the summer to save up money, and she said I'm too restless and have too much of a drive to get stuck, but if I should, her and Fredrik will drag me out. I think she's right though, I've been so many places and done so many things, I wouldn't get stuck, like Annelie said, the people who get stuck are the people who never left in the first place.

I should take a mind-numbing job, temporarily, and write on the side, and then set my goal to go back to school in the autumn, hopefully I'll get into that course at the Dramatic Institute, if not, I'll get that stupid high school diploma and get it over with (although I still maintain that I shouldn't have to and that the Gods of Bureaucracy are against me!)

I'm going to do my part as aunt now. Until next time.

Maybe I'm too focused on all the things that I don't want to do and feel I should and/or am forced to do. Come to think of it, I haven't really given much thought, at all, to what I actually want to do. Right now, I mean. In the long run I know what I want out of life on that big full monty scale. But right now, right this minute, I'm sitting here thinking, "I don't want to go into town. I don't want to see my friends. I don't want to be social and sit around doing nothing but talk about pointless boring shit for hours on end drinking coffee and chain-smoking, what's the point, etc etc etc..."

But, what do I want to do then? No idea. Nothing. Except, I don't want to be wanting to do nothing. I want to do something. But nothing in particular comes to mind. And then that makes me anxious and on it goes and this is so stupid, it's so stupid- and now my friends called and they're tired of waiting for me to get my arse to their place so they're picking me up. Jaha.

yay, easter. pah.

I logged onto Facebook to watch my friend Cesar's latest video blog, it's the 3rd one he's done and I think he'll be posting them daily, it's just really nice to hear his voice and see him and everything, because I miss him a lot, those of you who know him will appreciate that, and just imagine, I used to live with him. So I think it's understandable that it's leave a void.

And as I was logged into Facebook I saw that I had a new mail or message or whatever as well, so I went to check it... and imagine my surprise when it was a reply from my little brother to a message I ever sent!

You're the best!

Between Simon Johansson and You

Ida Nieninque Thomasdotter

09 April at 22:40

Simon, i don't know how you do it, but you are SO cool and good.
Everything i, or some other amateur does, you do it SO much better.
It looks so easy when you do it. You are SO cool and awesome, and I would be SO happy if you would answer.
Maybe i could get your autograph? See, that would be so great.
I like Backstreet Boys you know, AND WESTLIFE, they are so cute, aren't they?
I and LOVE to watch friends!

Ok, have a good time!

Ida!

Simon Johansson

09 April at 22:42

Okej?? Ida, haru tråkigt eller?? Jag vet att du ser upp till mig, o att du tkr jag är bäst men jag trodde aldrig du skulle det på facebook??

Simon


...My brother, the Facebook Hacker.

I've been looking into student housing in Stockholm. Not as easy as I thought it would be. But then again, nothing ever is, so why am I surprised... You have to wait in line for these shitty student bachelors that cost a fortune for YEARS... that is insane. Ridiculous. Really.

So I think my mother has decided to be a closet easter celebrator this year as well. She's given my brother an easter egg, under the table, figuratively. And she's cooking. Easter type food. I am not impressed. This is not a holiday we celebrate, on her initiative. Why is it that when normal people have a midlife crisis they get a tattoo and porche, my mum becomes a closet christian? I guess she already has two tattooes, and I don't have the money for a porche, but if she's going to be secretly religious, then what's wrong with buddism, she was saying only yesterday how much buddism makes sense and how out of all the religions she sympathizes with that the most... well, buddists don't chickens to commemorate the crucifixion of jesus christ. Oh no. They eat parsley and meditate and, and... well, I don't know exactly what they do, but they, yeah... I'm a witch. That's as close as I'll get to religious sympathy, it was either that or atheism, and that thought is kind of a downer.

This is one of those minor catastrophies that has no real impact on your life but take up a whole day of just beating yourself up anyways.

I was just about to register as a user of the magnusbetner.com forum (Magnus Betnér is swedish stand-up comedian and he's doing a tour that apparantly goes no further North than Stockholm and I wanted to know why etc...) and being the unfocused and pixelated pixie that as I am, when asked if I was born before or after 1996, I clicked after... so now, in order for my account to be activated, I have to print this legal agreement thing and have my parent or legal guardian sign and fax it over to them and whatnot... yeah, I feel rather silly right now. But the one thing that would make me feel even sillier is to actually contact the webmaster and admit to the mistake, so I think I'm just going to leave it... I'm not really that opinionated about Magnus Betnér anyways, he pretty much says it all for me but with better words and no pause to breathe, I just wanted to know if he had any plans of doing any shows further North, but I can wait and see...

Skrev något diktliknande.

D A G A R N A .


Dessa är dagarna jag aldrig kommer att glömma. Dessa är dagarna som ska forma resten av mitt liv. Som ska forma den jag kommer att låtsas vara. Dessa är dagarna. Och jag är inte riktigt här.

Det låter runt omkring mig, ljud och oväsen, de flyter i luftrummet, och andra människor, personer som invaderat min värld, tryckt sig nära inpå och verkar inte ha några planer på att avlägsna sig igen, och hur gick det till egentligen, vilka är dessa människor?

Vem tror jag att jag är egentligen. Ja, jag vet inte, alls, längre. Jag låtsas inte ens veta längre. Jag har ingen aning. Ibland vill jag bara att det ska sluta. Stop. Full stop. Punkt. Hur formar man ett liv av ord och mellanrum? Det blir liksom bara tomt.

Precis som i verkligheten, säger en kritiker. Är det allt som finns, är det sådana vi är, stillbild, kulisser, illusion, med gröna solglasögon glittrar staden av smaragder, och bakom skynket hänger en spegel, du kommer aldrig ut härifrån. Dessa är dagarna.

Dessa dagar. Är ett liv i fast forward. Passa på och var här nu, de här dagarna, fjorton dagar av solsken och saltvatten, det är allt du får, sedan sitter du på flyget hem igen, och är i hemlighet lättad, hem till verkligheten.

Dessa dagar, är allt du får. Det är upp till dig om du ligger och steker på stranden. Eller om du gör något annat. Jag vet inte vad som finns att göra. Jag sitter på havsbottnen och håller andan. Här nere finns bara hajarna och jag. Om de slutar simma stannar deras hjärtan. Om jag slutar andas stannar mitt hjärta.

Girl in desperate need of some advice

Okay, here's the deal...

I got into Emily Carr University, the course starts in September, I already have a ticket booked for late August, I have somewhere to stay when I get there, the program allows you to apply for a work permit on top of your study permit (apparantly) and finding a job is much easier over there than it is here, i.e. it's not completely fucking impossible... I'd be in a creative enviroment, I'd be close to my best friends, I'd be able to work on my own projects with my friends, maybe get the production company started, plus I already have an agent who really wants me to come back... Basically, what I'm saying, is that I have a life, for sure, in Vancouver just waiting for me to come back to it...

So, why am I doubting, why am I even considering other options? I was so certain that this was the right thing for me, that it was in my path, my destiny thingy, or whatever... but now I'm not so sure anymore... It could be due to some subtle brainwashing I've suffered from my mother and that I've been soaking up the overall negativity that is polluting this town... but it just doesn't feel right anymore...

I missed all the deadlines for applying to swedish acting schools... but there is one course. It's the Dramatic Institute in Stockholm. It's a year long Basic Film scourse where you get to try everything, directiing, script writing, photography, producing and all of it... It's free. No tuition. Plus you get a grant from the gouvernment to cover your living expenses. Plus student accommodation is available. And this is what I really feel like doing.

Except I wouldn't be in Vancouver. I would be on my own and by myself and I'd be risking everything. That's what it feels like. I'd be risking everything I kind of almost have.

Mike just told me via MSN that since I have a life already established in Vancouver I can always come back to it and take my time... but Emily Carr is for this september, and who knows how long my agent is willing to wait for me, and all my friends (all one of them, okay that's an exaggeration maybe...) will all have moved on by the time I get my arse over there probably, I mean not literally whereby they've forgotten about me or anything, but they'll have started their projects and careers and everything, so I'd be on the side, I'd be that swedish friend that can come and visit their lives and go for coffee or a drink with them and it'd be good to see me again and everything, but it wouldn't be the same, because I wouldn't have walked the miles with them, I wouldn't have done the time... that's what relationships are, and love, essentially, it's not fireworks and highlights, it's suffering through the seasons together, taking a stand side by side as life throws you one obstacle after another and being there for each other through all of it and then looking back at the whole spectable and say "Huh... well, look at that. We survived that. Together." and that's the thing. You have that. And that'll forever link you together. You did the time, your relationship passed the test, you didn't fall apart.

I kind of stole half of that theory from Alan Rickman's character in "Dark harbour"...

That's a great movie, you should see it. I've seen it 17 times. I maintain that it's a thriller, but Ana and Cesar (who both agreed to watch it with me since it was my last night in Vancouver!) say it's a very slow drama. Whatever. It's good. You need to watch it at least twice.

Any advice anyone have to give me, would be nice. Mike, I got yours already but if you have something to add, feel free...

Sleepless in Sweden,

I just got hit by a fucking tidal wave of anxiety, researching my options on the internet, too many of them it's overwhelming, just like Ana said last time we spoke on the phone... well there's just the two really, not even, more like one and a half, and they're both good options, but I keep thinking about these outrageous Sliding doors side effects of this one decision and my mind spins out of control and I'm trapped in this surreal nightmare of possibilities that I can't wake up from. I guess I'm in for another sleepless night...

You the expression when something "makes your skin crawl"?

Recharged

An elderly (but still childlike) gentleman by the name of Ove (when he feels like it) moved from the Stockholm area to my village a few years ago, and unlike the rest of the villagers, he sees opportunities and solutions, not problems around him. I met him today. My dad and I went to his house, a house that he shares with a female friend of his, also from the Stockholm area, to say hello today. Dad wanted to introduce me to him, because he took one look at the abandoned root cellars outside his house and saw an opportunity, and that is to create a meeting place for people, a kind of café/theatre. He invited us in for coffee and gave me a guided tour of his and his friend's house and told me a 3rd of his life story. He then told me about his theatre projects, one is a children's theatre group which he's already started, but he lacks the experience in acting and theatre to really go deeper with the kids, and I'm to go there on Monday and I guess if all goes well, I'm to lead the group with games and exercises in the future. The amazing thing is that when I worked as a trainee at the village daycare centre in 2004, I organized a modest endeavour of similar nature and those kids that wanted to got to rehearse and perform a small little theatre show - and it's the same three girls who joined me then who have joined in this projects now! What are the odds?

The second project of his is more of a long term one. It's to make a play of a true story of a friend of his that is written down in memoar format in a book that's been published already and put it up. We went to the library so that I could borrow the book and read it, and if I had any ideas, he said, feel free to write them down (because, of course, I happened to mention that I'm a writer too!) and if the guy that he's been talking to about writing the script doesn't get his shit together, I might get to write it! I started reading the book, it's really interesting so far, lots of material! Ove wanted a kind of Romeo & Juliet play, so the story's already been done, and the details are already done as well, I just have to combine the two and create the dialogue! Which might be trickier than it sounds because "Juliet" was a Romani (or "gypsy" as they've been called) and that's a whole other culture and language right there...

We'll see what happens, but at least it gave me a bit of a boost to talk to someone with a bit of a positive attitude again, it's like a breath of fresh air!