I'm awake and up and ready to go, almost!

At least I didn't over-sleep today. If I had, I would seriously be considering demonic possession right now. Yesterday I turned off my alarm in my sleep (probably even before it went off) och hid the mobile under the mattress. So last night I set both my mobile alarm and my alarm clock, and put them both out of arm's reach from the bed. Just to be sure. And here I am, with ten minutes to spare. I'm awesome like that sometimes.

I had a rant about our first "theory" class with the Old School professor at DI yesterday, but I'll save it from when I dezombie.

B12 & The Halfblood Prince

So far these B12 pills are quite counter-productive, I've never felt so drained and exhausted and weak and useless in my life. I'm too tired to sleep and I'm too tired to be awake. And today I have to find the energy to get my self-pitying behind into town and visit the job office so that I can get a stupid piece of paper.

Treated my family to the premiere of The Halfblood Prince. I was not disappointed by it. In fact, I'd go as far as to say it's been my favourite out of the films (perhaps because it's my least favourite out of the books that has so far been made into films... in that case, I know I'll love the 7th film...) Lots of nice Draco moments, as well as a couple of Snape and McGonnagal moments. But as I said heading into town, they have no choice but to pay attention to Draco and Snape in this film, and they can't cut out their scenes, because they're scenes are the actual plot. Well, the plot that isn't about snogging, anyways. The interesting plot.

A day for camels.

My dad and I drove down to Stockholm with most of my things today. It was tedious four-hour-round trip stuck in the car, but on the way home there was signage eluding to free coffee, so we took a detour and took the sign people up on in, and that gave us the extra boost to make it home.

Now I'm severely exhausted, mainly cause I haven't slept in about a month and I'm also withering away on the inside for three reasons, one of them being that I'm in "pending mode" (or purgatory as I also like to call it) yet again and whenever I am I seem to go into mental and emotional hibernation for some reason.. I need to find the energy to finish my novel this month, if I can only get it done, I know I'm going to feel a weight lift from my shoulders or chest or wherever it's located, possibly my head..

I also had an idea for a drama. It involves an unwanted pregnancy, a dysfunctional family, lots of guilt and the bending of gender roles, as well as some testimonies of Fate's twisted sense of humor. Sounds like it's been done before, doesn't it.. well, we'll see..

I'm a geek today!

I've been trapped in a world of nonsense (i.e. html and css codes) for the past twenty-four hours, unable to sleep, and tettering on the brink of insanity. today, some errands in town. caught a lift with my mum who happened to be heading in for the day as well. endured the unhelpful assistance of the job office handling officer of the day and snuck away before the mandatory information meeting with a union representative (not because i'm uninterested in the union, but because i've been to one of those meetings before, i doubt things have changed to drastically since, and even if they have... i figured unions were for the employed) went to the library, met up with my mum for lunch and hid behind a plant whenever someone i knew or used to knew or knew my mum walked by (it's a really small town!) helped my mum out with an errand and came back here to work on my website (the codes may have won the battle but they shall not win the war!)

reading "the five people you meet in heaven".

Trying something different (this is for Cesar!)

What do you know... two can play this game!
Okay, I'm not good at it... but I can play it! :)
/ from Hell with love,
Ida

Maybe I'm too focused on all the things that I don't want to do and feel I should and/or am forced to do. Come to think of it, I haven't really given much thought, at all, to what I actually want to do. Right now, I mean. In the long run I know what I want out of life on that big full monty scale. But right now, right this minute, I'm sitting here thinking, "I don't want to go into town. I don't want to see my friends. I don't want to be social and sit around doing nothing but talk about pointless boring shit for hours on end drinking coffee and chain-smoking, what's the point, etc etc etc..."

But, what do I want to do then? No idea. Nothing. Except, I don't want to be wanting to do nothing. I want to do something. But nothing in particular comes to mind. And then that makes me anxious and on it goes and this is so stupid, it's so stupid- and now my friends called and they're tired of waiting for me to get my arse to their place so they're picking me up. Jaha.

Look at me looking at the glass half full

As I was waiting for the bus downtown, this homeless person walked by me and told me to cheer up.

It's funny though. Not to sound "emo" or anything, but I always seem to be going, and yet I never seem to get anywhere. I never arrive. Maybe that's my problem. I took off at some point and I never really landed again. Maybe that's why I find it so difficult to really be present, to really commit, to really just be.

Today kind of sucked but it's over now, so that's good. Of course not until I'd walked through an apocalyptic fucking rainstorm to get home, but now I'm here and it's over and I'm going to watch "Wire in the blood" and remind myself that it could be worse, I could be kidnapped by a sadistic transgender sociopath and slowly tortured to death whilst my murderer videotaped it and got off on the footage. Right?

Suck a lonely day, and it's mine.

So yesterday my agent got me an audition for a horror film that I was supposed to go and tape at 2nd avenue and email to wherever. The project is called "Echoes" and it's your basic horror film setup. A group of 20-something-year-olds decide to break into an old and abandoned mental institution with a dark past and have a halloween party and things get ugly. I went for the part of Calie who was the Britney Spears-listening, gorgeous blonde of this crew and I obviously get killed off first along with my handsome but not too quick on the uptake jock of a boyfriend. Well, I don't have my hopes up for this one, but it would be fun to do if I actually got the role against the odds.

Anyway. I couldn't sleep, nothing new there, but did eventually doze off sometime early this morning. Overslept. Bus took forever. By the time I was downtown it was already ten o'clock when I was supposed to be at 2nd ave, and I had two more buses to catch. So, quite panicked, I thought I'd hail a cab, but then I remembered that my paycheck might not have gone through yet, so I wouldn't have enough money on my debot to pay the cab and 2nd ave, so I figured I'd use the money my dear mother put onto my swedish Visa card.. however, I wasn't sure I remembered the PIN correctly not having used it in about a year, so I went looking for an ATM to see if I could take out money... and the fucking thing ate my card! It was past it expiry date, I had my old card in my wallet and my new one still in the envelope at home!

So, completely desperate and hopeless at this point, I just started walking in the general direction of where I was going, which was east, and discovered there was a bus that would take me across the water closer to where the studio is located so I wouldn't have to take the 9 on the other side, so I hopped onto that and called 2nd ave to let them know I was running late, found the place, ran inside about 15 mins late, went in and rushed through my death scene, smacting all the way, and then I was out.

Hey, at least I made it there.

I'm in a coffee shop, in MY coffee shop rather, big new cafe on broadway and granville, and I am feeling very dejected, not because of the audition, but because I don't see a way for my to stay in the country after March, and I'm not talking just for those five months between the end of my work visa and the start of the art program I want to apply to in September, but at all, ever. I don't think I'm qualified to apply to Emily Carr. I was supposed to contact some translators to translate my academic transcripts right now, but I left the paper at home with the name of the company that does those, so I went to Emily Carr's website to see if they had the link there, and I realized that besides the translations they also need the original transcripts, sent from the various institutions that have issued each and every one of them, by Feb 1st. I can't just give them my copies, the schools have to send them! I am so, sooo fucked.

I don't know what to do. I had so many options, and I couldn't decide what do to, and now I have none. I'm telling you, 2009 hates me. I thought things were looking up and that my angel was watching over me, but really.. I see no light in this fucking tunnel and I am sick of this. I just want to catch a break. I want to sit down and take a deep breath and not have the entire fucking world weighing down on my shoulders like some gullible Atlas.

And what have you done?

It's almost two in the morning. I was falling asleep in front of the TV a few hours ago and decided to go to bed but of course as soon as I lay down in the dark of my former bedroom I was wide awake again. So this is Christmas - I dread to face the inevitable question that follows that statement - I think I'm experiencing an assault of post-holiday gloom to my various senses, just wait until you see me around this time on New Year's Eve, must be all the fattening food and sugary sweets that have been force-fed to me by means of brainwashing and possibly red-suited telekinesis. It's so weird, I was having a staring contest with myself whilst brushing my teeth just now, yeah I'm weird too, but I barely recognize myself sometimes. Another year has gone by, still completely narcissistic. Well, almost completely. There are still some stray thoughts of interest directed at certain someones that are not part of the population of my own mind and on that note I think I am most definitely destined for a life of devoted celebacy. I'm here. The other day I was literally a wall away, when I was visiting Fredde who got an apartment in the same building, I was in the same building, and my being in said building was made known through text messages and telepathy, but nothing. I left the christmas gift with Fredde, figured you know, they're more likely to see each other first anyway...but anyway, I should get some sleep, or rest at least, or brooding even, done and yeah... wow, odd thought processes, i just thought of Lucy in the sky with diamonds and then on auto-pilot thought of an acronym for myself and came up with Ida in the desert with acorns, acorns of all things, I ask you,

yeah, the holidays are evil - but at least I got some nice pretty things, my family is still in one piece and I have not morphed into blue whale just yet...

Forget Me Not

How's that for a new title for the film? "Forget me not" as in the flower... too cheesy? Fuck, I'm so cheesy lately... Well, I guess it's only fitting, since I was whiney already, haahaahaa... no.

scraps

I had coffee with my FRIEND Mike two days in a row this week, one of them was actually his coffee with Ana but I barged in on them and made myself comfortable. Furthermore, Ana is worried about me because I am apparently (she´s right) getting depressed and I can´t afford to be at this point in time. So, today after having dropped one package to one agency, instead of the seven I as supposed to originally, I went and got a chamomile tea and a coffee at work and showed up on her doorstep and we discussed her play that she wants my help to write.

I sat with Adam on a park bench and talked for hours about life and death and certain things in between. We´ve also mentioned putting up an art exhibit together in the spring. I mentioned this to Ana and Mike and they seemed eager to participate, so hopefully something like that might happen. I actually painted a bit last night when I couldn´t sleep. Subconscious thought splatters really, but at least I´m being somewhat creative...

On another note, the adventures of Hedy continues, but that´s a different story for a different day when I´m not pressed for time.