New plan for the future

1. make at least two short films in Stockholm (whilst auditioning for whatever I can get)
2. go to Norway and work and save up money (whilst re-writing my novel/writing a bunch of scripts)
3. take a one-month bartender course on Kos island (Greece)
4. go to London and find a bartender job, collective living, acting as well as literary agent
5. make connections in the film industry and get more of my own films made, as well as audition like crazy

How does that sound?

Hell yeah.

So the key to not go crazy and depress the hell out of myself, apparently, is... get out of the house and/or talk to a close friend, i.e. get out of my own head.

And today I've been really good, because I've done both. First, I talked to my sunshine, Cesar, via Skype -- twice! -- and when he had to leave for work, I left the house and went into town to have coffee with my closest (if not only) friend in Stockholm, Anja, at this queer-friendly, cozy coffee shop called Copacabana by the water at Hornstull that is my new favourite place in all of Stockholm (Cesar you would love it there!)

And sitting there chatting away with Anja, and before that when I was catching up with Cesar, it's like the weights in my chest and on my back are lifted and a curtain is drawn aside and I can see clearly, and everything feels possible, as opposed to when I'm pacing and brooding in my room or tossing and turning in me bed and nothing seems possible.

So I'm going finish my current work-in-progress scripts, I'm going to seriously start planning pre-production on one of the shorter ones, and I'm going to look into moving to London next. I'm thinking of doing my next internship period for this course at some production company or with some film-maker there and start making some connections, then I'm thinking of looking into some bartender courses over there and as soon as I've made some shorts, I'll relocate and somehow, I don't know exactly how yet, but somehow I'm going to convince Cesar to move there too (Anja's already on board; anyone else want to join in.. do it!) and we're going to have an awesome film collective for a while and really build up a good resume (after that, the states or Canada or film school in Edinburgh or something completely different, we'll see!) so that's the plan. I'm excited. Tell me what you think !

Things are coming to a new beginning.

Last night we had the screening at school, tonight we have a bigger one (if more people show up, at least) out in Subtopia outside of town. Last night was weird. My parents, my big brother and my friend Annsofie and her husband came to see mine and Anja's (and the other's) short films, there was a heavy sense of anticipation-mixed foreboding in the air, at least within the class, at least I felt so, like something was about to drastically change and we could all feel it and it made our skins prickle but so far everything was exactly the same so we had to stall or hide our reactions to it, so we were stomping on egg shells and making eye contact like it was nothing and pretending like it didn't feel like it was the last time we saw it others, which it wasn't, but it sort of felt like it anyway. We had a toast and chaotic talk afterward with our professor and mentor Maria, she'd bought champagne, I was listening to the others talk, some tried to keep it light, others wanted to make speeches, Tobbe was drunk, Maria was hard to read as usual but smiling more than ever, I didn't say anything.

Earlier in the day Anja and I went to the screening of the third year's final productions, amongst them the zombie film, although we had to leave before the last film because our photographer sent us a text message and said there was something wrong with the files and she couldn't convert the film from the program to a Quick time, and later we heard that the last film was the best one by far. But at least we got to see the ones we'd been involved in. The zombie film turned out great!

I'm in school again now. Min and I are printing and folding more fliers for the screening tonight. The weird feeling from yesterday is still here. But it's not like I'm anxious about the future, not like before, because I got an email from the school I've applied to for that scriptwriting course for next year and I got in, so I know what my next step is, so it's not like I'll be thrown into an abyss as soon as the doors to the school close behind me.

Deadlines and a newfound muse

I made it to the third and last step in the admission for the scriptwriting course for next year. It's an interview on the third of June.

Meanwhile, we're getting closer to the deadline for our short film "Vargens timma" and we've got a lot to do yet before it's even closed to finished, so I'm guessing we'll be working around the clock for the rest of the week. Although I have a couple of other things that I need to do as well, for one I still need to find a job. Also, I want to apply for a summer course in norm-criticizing theater performance at the theater school, and that deadline is the first of June. I have the interview that I mentioned. I need to work out a solution to my short/novella script and to do that I need to visit a funeral company and do some research.

Plus, I just had an idea for a really short short film that I need to write down as soon as possible so that I can get some feedback from my teachers before this course is over - I think this will be a perfect project to start with, because it's simple and short, it's got two characters and it's just one scene - I need to make a few shorter film projects that are cheap to get done, that I can show when I apply for funding for my larger projects down the line. And I usually have a really hard time thinking of shorter story ideas, all my ideas tend to involve complicated relationships and long character developments and stretch out to feature length, so I was really surprised when this idea came to me, practically finished, just like that, from a clear sky. It was like I'd been struck by a bolt of inspiration from a muse, and that never happens to me, ever! 

Right now, I'm waiting for Anja to get to school so that we can start working. She's already found one job and has been working three hours in the morning every day this week and I've been doing other stuff, and then we've worked on the short film in the afternoon and into the evening. And today she had a meeting as well, so it's going to be a late night tonight. But that's the business we're getting into and I'm not complaining! At least I'm not starving anymore!

Jam jars!

Growing out of my skin. The future is a kaleidoscope of confusing thoughts and maybe-options. Dreams. Realities. Not really terrifying, at least not today. Possibilities. Hope. Self-confidence.

I just compiled an application package for scriptwriting course on distance (is that what you call it, I don't think so... I don't know what you call it. But you work from home, you don't go to a school every day, you only meet up about three times per term, the rest of the time you keep in contact with mentors and course mates via internet and work on your own projects and give each other feedback. I thought that would be a great option, because then you can work at the same time and earn your rent, plus work on your film projects on the side as well, if you have time.) and mailed it. I also mailed a letter to Mexico.

In a bit, Anja and I are meeting up with a photographer we hope will want to shoot our short. After that we have a script meeting with out teacher Maria. After that we're going to look at a flat we'll hopefully be allowed to shoot in.

The date of our first day of filming is getting closer. Both Anja and I are rather stressed out. But we also had a meeting with the photo professor at the school yesterday and told him about the script and what we wanted to do (show the world as the main character sees it when she's experiencing anxiety with distorted perspective, tunnel vision, shadows moving around her, and then as it gets really bad, we want to embody Anxiety itself as this shadow creature watching her from the background and slowly moving closer to her) and he gave us loads of inspiring and creative tips and ideas, like us, he's all for old school tricks as opposed to the newest, most expensive technique, and that was a relief to hear. For example, instead of a 35 mm adapter and different lenses to achieve these effects like distorted perception of the room, he said he used film through different see-through objects like jam jars and the glass part of a paraffin lamp. And he also said that he filmed in a studio once and they literally made the room bigger and smaller by moving the walls, and said that would be a really effective way to make the walls close in on the character... but we're filming on location, so the walls are immovable, but then I thought of a way to achieve that same effect, if you go in for closer shots so that you don't see the whole rooms or more than one wall, you can move a piece of furniture closer, or move the actor (that would be me...) closer to the wall! So yes, we're stressed out, but we're also really excited now, thanks to the inspiration of this teacher! Old school tricks seem to be one.) more effective and creative, and two.) way more fun!

Well, I should get going. Just wanted to check in.
Peace, love and respect

Don't forget to kiss your Potions Master good bye

Ana phoned last night, when I was in the middle of trying to help my mother organize a shipment of sports wear for my brother's football club that is taking up our entire living room, so not only was it great to hear a friendly voice again, but I quite welcomed the break too! And this morning I discover I got an email from her as well, it doesn't rain but it pours, really.

You know this sucks, this whole long distance thing. Because it's like being in denial. Because people drift apart when they're away form each other, so you know that's going to happen, and if you deny that and refuse to see it, I think it's only going to happen sooner. Whereas, if you're relaxed about it and trust that there's a reason you're keeping in touch and there's a reason why you still want to think of that person being in your life even though they're not an active part of your everyday life, then maybe it won't happen at all. I don't know, what do I know about keeping in touch, really. All I've ever done is run away from things, and places, and people. It's amazing I even have any friends left, when you think about it. Well, I quit running away a while ago, about a year ago I'd say, and now I find myself doing it again, emotionally, not actually. I'm withdrawing a bit. But it's okay, because I know what I'm doing. And I am going to finish this novel if it kills me. And then I'm going to start a career thingy in film in Sweden. And then, who knows.. I'll cross that road when I get to it. But I know this much, those of you who are actually following this blog, I'm guessing, are also the ones I see in that crossroads, no matter what it brings, so buckle down, I think we're in for a ride!

On the home front, things are okay. My little brother finally managed to nag enough for dad to buy him a moped instead of paying him wages for working with him at the cottage and stuff, but of course, now he's too busy driving the thing instead of actually working. Mum found out that there is a new law concerning mopeds though, and that is you still new a license to drive one, which my brother hasn't, and he's not old enough to drive it yet. You're supposed to be fifteen, and he has a few months to go yet. So if he gets caught on that thing, it goes on my dad's record, not his. And all because he "could bore a rock."

I got a doctor's appointment for the last of this month, I wanted to check my blood and stuff, to see if I lack anything, you know, vitamins and iron, that sort of thing. I mean, I must be, cause I'm exhausted. Also I saw this notice at the clinic that if you had a blood transfusion between 75 and 91 you should get tested for hepatitis, so I'm going to do that as well. Apparently you can't just do a regular check-up at the doctor's anymore like you do at the dentist, you have to actually wait til you're sick to get an appointment, now I find this rather silly, because wouldn't you want to prevent sickness as oppose to just wait for it to happen? but then again, with the old system they had hypochondriacs like me running in and out all the time, oh the horror, how many could there be in this one village, you know I think I'm the only one.. well, except for the senior citizens, it's difficult to tell with them though, cause there's always something wrong with them and they're treating the clinic waiting room like some sort of social club, but then again they get special treatment for being old, so they would be allowed in whether they were hypochondriacs or not.. sounds like I'm racist towards old people, doesn't it? maybe I am, I don't want to get old..

There's a new book out on real life vampires that I want to get. Check it out. It's called "Vampires today: the Truth about Modern Vampirism"

Oh, my dad's home. I have to go (coffee!!)

And Here's your good deed of the day.

Take Action.

Don't expect any favours in life.

So I just finished the script for this director guy I've been in contact with. And just as I was about to send him an email and let him know the script was done and to request to have his mailing address so that I could send it to him (since he didn't want it emailed because he was so paranoid as to think someone would hack into his inbox and steal the idea) only to discover that he beat me to it and emailed me. I thought it was a funny coincidence, he's probably just emailing to check up on me and the progress of the writing process, I thought. Well, the fun doesn't end there...

His email said that it was great brainstorming about the script with me, and he wanted to let me know about the recent developments in the production plans with dates and so on, and if I still wanted my name on the credit as someone who helped work on the script, I needed to send it to him, if I was still interested. Also, he'd found two nice girls for the roles, in other words he's replaced me, even though he offered me the role from day one and we had an agreement, which is why I agreed to help him work the script in the first place. He said that I could be his AD if I wanted, if not good luck in the future and with school.

So, let's recap... he quote un-quote fell in love with me and said I was perfect for the role because I was beautiful and had gorgeous eyes and blah blah blah, and then I started critiquing the script and he turned into a lemon for about a minute and then when I started making suggestions for changes he realized that I actually knew what I was talking about and jumped at the opportunity to have a co-writer on board, gushing about credits and future collaborations and even went as far as to offer me a job in his production company... then, after I've put all of my own projects on hold for a couple of weeks to soley work on his script and rewrite it for him as soon as possible so that he could apply for funding and whatnot, he's been busy breaking our agreement and replacing me behind my back with not so much as an apology for the fact, let along an explanation!

You know I am sick and tired of being used, and even though I never trusted this whole thing for a minute because I know from experience that things never get handed to you and unless you work your butt for something you should not expect to get a thing, I just hoped for a while that maybe, just maybe I would be so lucky as to have something going for me... that I could actually get somewhere on my own over here, but you know, the only way to get anywhere in life is trustworthy friends you can depend on and hard work and persistance. I have persistance, when I really want something I can work hard even though I don't do it as much as I should, and the friends I trust and depend on I've left behind in Vancouver, which means from now on I am completely on my on and a lot of very hard work lies ahead... I know now that this program that I've been accepted to was meant to be in my path, that I am supposed to soak up as much experience and learning as I can in a year and make as many connections as possible, because I am not going to get discovered, because life is not a stupid fairy tale and I am going to have to make my own destiny and fortune.

And that's what I am going to do.

Fucker. He can stick this (much better, less stereotypical and sexist) second draft of his (before I started working on it) ridiculously awful script where the sun doesn't shine. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

That's all for me.

On the brink of something extreme, don't know what yet

So, tomorrow is the day. I just spoke to the film guy again on the phone and to be honest I don't have a very good feeling about this, but I'm in a desperate situation and it calls for a leap.. and then there's the interview at the dramatic institute, so that's a good thing (I'm awfully nervous!)

And today my Vancouver pals are shooting their short! I'm ever so excited about that as well, I just wish I could be there with them, but ah well. Another time! Trust me, though, I think it's going to be brilliant, because the script is great and they're a talented and creative lot, so I'm sure it's going to be something really special (unless they kill each other in the process!)

Heading into town for a coffee right now. Well, in a bit.

My 2nd video blog (surprise surprise!)

Trying something different (this is for Cesar!)

What do you know... two can play this game!
Okay, I'm not good at it... but I can play it! :)
/ from Hell with love,
Ida

Girl in desperate need of some advice

Okay, here's the deal...

I got into Emily Carr University, the course starts in September, I already have a ticket booked for late August, I have somewhere to stay when I get there, the program allows you to apply for a work permit on top of your study permit (apparantly) and finding a job is much easier over there than it is here, i.e. it's not completely fucking impossible... I'd be in a creative enviroment, I'd be close to my best friends, I'd be able to work on my own projects with my friends, maybe get the production company started, plus I already have an agent who really wants me to come back... Basically, what I'm saying, is that I have a life, for sure, in Vancouver just waiting for me to come back to it...

So, why am I doubting, why am I even considering other options? I was so certain that this was the right thing for me, that it was in my path, my destiny thingy, or whatever... but now I'm not so sure anymore... It could be due to some subtle brainwashing I've suffered from my mother and that I've been soaking up the overall negativity that is polluting this town... but it just doesn't feel right anymore...

I missed all the deadlines for applying to swedish acting schools... but there is one course. It's the Dramatic Institute in Stockholm. It's a year long Basic Film scourse where you get to try everything, directiing, script writing, photography, producing and all of it... It's free. No tuition. Plus you get a grant from the gouvernment to cover your living expenses. Plus student accommodation is available. And this is what I really feel like doing.

Except I wouldn't be in Vancouver. I would be on my own and by myself and I'd be risking everything. That's what it feels like. I'd be risking everything I kind of almost have.

Mike just told me via MSN that since I have a life already established in Vancouver I can always come back to it and take my time... but Emily Carr is for this september, and who knows how long my agent is willing to wait for me, and all my friends (all one of them, okay that's an exaggeration maybe...) will all have moved on by the time I get my arse over there probably, I mean not literally whereby they've forgotten about me or anything, but they'll have started their projects and careers and everything, so I'd be on the side, I'd be that swedish friend that can come and visit their lives and go for coffee or a drink with them and it'd be good to see me again and everything, but it wouldn't be the same, because I wouldn't have walked the miles with them, I wouldn't have done the time... that's what relationships are, and love, essentially, it's not fireworks and highlights, it's suffering through the seasons together, taking a stand side by side as life throws you one obstacle after another and being there for each other through all of it and then looking back at the whole spectable and say "Huh... well, look at that. We survived that. Together." and that's the thing. You have that. And that'll forever link you together. You did the time, your relationship passed the test, you didn't fall apart.

I kind of stole half of that theory from Alan Rickman's character in "Dark harbour"...

That's a great movie, you should see it. I've seen it 17 times. I maintain that it's a thriller, but Ana and Cesar (who both agreed to watch it with me since it was my last night in Vancouver!) say it's a very slow drama. Whatever. It's good. You need to watch it at least twice.

Any advice anyone have to give me, would be nice. Mike, I got yours already but if you have something to add, feel free...

Sleepless in Sweden,

I just got hit by a fucking tidal wave of anxiety, researching my options on the internet, too many of them it's overwhelming, just like Ana said last time we spoke on the phone... well there's just the two really, not even, more like one and a half, and they're both good options, but I keep thinking about these outrageous Sliding doors side effects of this one decision and my mind spins out of control and I'm trapped in this surreal nightmare of possibilities that I can't wake up from. I guess I'm in for another sleepless night...

You the expression when something "makes your skin crawl"?

Life in a box

spent the night on Ana's couch, we attempted to have our last (for now) writing session last night, but I think we created more problems with the dialogue than we came up with solutions, but in Ana's research she came up with a couple of things that I didn't know about butterflies, that I know now. Hanging out with people later in some sort of farewell coffee consumption. Tomorrow Cesar gets back. I'm already packed and ready to go, I just don't know when I'm going, where I'm going, still waiting for a reply from back home.

packing up my life. again. or trying to. again.

This is why magpies don't fly south in the winter.

Look at me looking at the glass half full

As I was waiting for the bus downtown, this homeless person walked by me and told me to cheer up.

It's funny though. Not to sound "emo" or anything, but I always seem to be going, and yet I never seem to get anywhere. I never arrive. Maybe that's my problem. I took off at some point and I never really landed again. Maybe that's why I find it so difficult to really be present, to really commit, to really just be.

Today kind of sucked but it's over now, so that's good. Of course not until I'd walked through an apocalyptic fucking rainstorm to get home, but now I'm here and it's over and I'm going to watch "Wire in the blood" and remind myself that it could be worse, I could be kidnapped by a sadistic transgender sociopath and slowly tortured to death whilst my murderer videotaped it and got off on the footage. Right?

We wrote five scenes. And I might have something resembling a story for my thriller. Even though the whole protagonist antagonist different POVs still confuse me and I don't see why I can't play God with my character and just do whatever I want but okay, fine. Anyway, I had two guys hit on me whilst waiting for the bus and then a wasted girl on the way home, she owns the tattoo parlour down the road and needed my help unlocking her car... I did ask her if she should be driving, she said, "Sweetie, we Canadians... we do crazy things, this is the least of my worries right now" and then she offered me a lift and I politely declined and walked the rest of the way home. And then I got here and now I'm depressed. That was quick...

Suicidal cookie

Lots of things to do today, so I have to make this brief. Not that I really know what this is, not much has happened since my last entry, so I don't really have anything to write about. I'm still figuring things out, and procrastinating, and working, I haven't heard anything from my agent since the last audition I did (which I blew) and right now I'm focusing on the future.

Ana has this amazing idea for a documentary that she wants to do, and I'm allowed to help out on the project providing I'm actually around, so I have kept myself kind of detached to the whole thing I think just because I don't know for sure if I'll be around to do it with her and I don't want to get all excited and then disappointed... and also with a documentary I feel that my assets or contribution would be limited in comparison to a film, because I can do fiction no problem, I'm creative, I have a wild imagination, I'm artsy, all of which actually works against you in reality and documentary-making, I think. But I'm good at research and being stubbornly inquisitive though, so I'm sure I'll manage to find a straw to add to the nest... if I get to stick around at all, that is.

I had this fix idea about a year ago to name a production/publishing company "Bloody cookie whatever" (it derives from when I first started working in "Death by chocolate" and I was bitching to Brett about not being able to learn the names of the stupid cakes...), I mentioned this to Ana but she didn't like it. She said that just "Fucking cookie" was preferable. That it was the word "bloody" she didn't like because it sounded too british. We then agreed on "Suicidal cookie", hence the title of this entry, so I just thought I'd share with the class... "Suicidal cookie" is the working title of the production company. What do you think?

More on said production company, I've had several ideas for films in the past couple of days, well, it was dead slow at work and the t-shirts were already folded, so I had time to think and day dream... and scribble on pieces of paper... and I have plenty of stuff to play around with now. I mustn't get too tunnel-visioned on this one though, not right now, I can't afford to, I have to be practical and I have to devote my creativity and energy on making my portfolio for Emily Carr... so, I'm off to do some practical stuff now, I'll talk you later!

Another day, another coffee shop

I have now applied to Emily Carr, hopefully the transcript issue won't hold me back, or anything else either. I feel like not only am I raising against time, but I have this whole "You and me against the world" thing going, minus the "You and"... okay, that's unfair, I know. I have a lot of people supporting me right now, some unexpected, some not, but it's still surprising and I'm really thankful. It sounds weird, I know, but it still boggles my mind that there are people out there in the real world who actually give a shit about me. It's heart-warming, to be honest.

I have also contacted various schools in Sweden, some who were probably hoping to forget I ever attended their institutions, and asked them to send my transcripts to Emily Carr. So far two have risen to the challenge, which is great.

I went and spoke to a person in the Immigrations office today, as well. That was a waste of time, unfortunately. But I don't give up that easily, you know.

Also I'm waiting to hear back from 2nd ave in regards to filming my next audition tomorrow morning before work, hopefully they'll have a spot open for me before I have to go and fold shirts.. I'm looking forward to this one, this girl is a whole heap of fun. Did I tell you aboout her already? Well, I'll tell you again, she's a complete bitch. Manipulative, fake, cunning, cold, competetive, out for herself, the whole nine yards... plus she's a cop, since it's a cop show, and she's a lesbian, and I'm thinking she's probably misunderstood and has a whole bunch of insecurity issues as well, hence the afore-mentioned not so good qualities.. great qualities for an actor to portray though! Like I said, I'm looking forward to it. Her name is Gail Peck. Isn't that perfect?

I'm also waiting to hear back from Lawra Linda to see what she has to say about my being back to square one after having (tried to) talk to the not-so-enthusiastic-about-helping-me blonde at the Immigrations Office... that will fun. The last thing I need right now is her coming to the slow realization that it's impossible to keep me...

Oh, shit. That was 2nd ave, they have no openings tomorrow and they wanted to know if I could come in today at 5:30... I haven't even memorized the script yet! I have to go...

limbo 2009

My family's perfected the Art of Awkward Hugs. I just said goodbye to my dad and little brother. They're heading back to the hotel and my mum's driving me to the airport in the morning before they get back, which means I have no idea when I'll see them next... probably some time in the next year.

I'm in limbo right now. I wish I'd just be gone so it'd be done with. I wish I was back in Van having coffee and arguing about script changes with Ana and making up excuses for being late for work. I wish I had my everyday back.

One more night.

Let's do the time warp again.

There is nothing as magical as the fall of the first snow of the year. We could see the shadow of it through the frosted window and we ran outside and we were four again, but unfortunately time reduces the impact of magic, and each year it wears off quicker than it did the year before. We stood mesmerized for ten seconds staring up into the white noise. Then for the sake of being stubborn and not wanting to admit to ourselves that the magic had worn off and that we were freezing we occupied ourselves in comfortable silence for another minute: I made a snowball and threw it against the neighbouring building, then another one. Cesar wrote his name on the ground. I mapped out a peace sign with my footprints. Cesar did pirouettes and tried to catch snowflakes with his mouth. When you look directly at them they fall with such speed you lose sight of them immediatelly, but when you gaze through them like a blanket they seem to drop in slow motion to the ground. After the one minute we admitted defeat and strolled back inside to warm up again.

I can't believe I'm flying on Monday.

We haven't left the apartment for two nights, with the exception of the brief encounter with the snow. Cesar is going crazy. I wish I'd never had to leave again. He says we need a bigger place and more friends. I'm shutting the doors to reality and shrinking my world. How did we ever find each other and of what is our middle ground made of?

Time to get cozy on the couch and drink coffee and chew nicotine mints. I guess I quit smoking again. It's like this past year never happened, like it was all a bad dream, I'm right back where I was a year ago to the day -- I wonder what's going to happen this time around...