The following entry is me letting out some steam in Swedish...

Jag funderar på att starta eget företag, eller enskild firma som det heter, tips från kompis och kollega Min, i första hand för mitt kreativa arbeta som författare, filmskapare och skådespelare, men även för andra småsaker till exempel design och försäljning av smycken, och mer down-to-earth extrajobb som barnpassning, så att jag kan fakturera och tjäna pengar vitt. Det här med barnpassning kom upp eftersom jag hoppat på verksamheter Kreativa Barnvakter nyligen, men också därför att en arbetskamrat till Min som är ensamstående mamma skulle behöva barnvakt framöver och Min tipsade henne om mig, så jag skulle behöva ta reda på lite mer om vad som gäller med lön och så vidare tänkte jag och Googlade på det... fann mycket bra information på Passagens debattsida, men innan dess så fann jag två forumtrådar som gjorde mig så himla ilsken att jag var tvungen att sammanfatta det här.

Först och främst, väldigt kortfattat, på en hemsida som heter Allt för föräldrar, var det någon som startat en tråd och kastat ut frågan "Vad är rimligt för mig att betala barnvakten?" och det första svar personen får är från en kvinna som kallar sig EllaNora och hon säger då: "50-60 kr i timman tycker jag är en rimlig svartlön för en barnvakt..."




För det första, vem sade något om svartlön? Visst, om det rör sig om att sitta barnvakt ett par timmar varannan vecka när föräldrarna vill komma bort från hemmet och slå klackarna i taket så spelar det ingen roll eftersom slutsumman inte kommer upp i den mängd att tjejen skulle behöva skatta på det ändå, men den informationen fanns inte tillgänglig i det öppnande inlägget, så det skulle lika gärna ha kunnat handla om barnpassning på del- eller varför inte heltid i brist på dagisplats, det vet varken jag eller EllaNora.


Men det som verkligen "tog tårtan" var den forumtråd som jag fann på en hemsida som heter Flashback, ungefär samma öppnande inlägg, fast här var mer information tillgänglig, vi fick veta att flickan som skulle passa småknytten gick i nionde klass, föräldrarna var schyssta nog att erbjuda middag och skjuts hem eller eventuell övernattning om det blev sent... men lyssna till de här utvalda inläggen:

H.E.L: 
"80 kr i timmen? Skall hon även städa, lägga tak och kakla badrummet?
Nej, 40-60 kr i timmen svart. Inte mer. Hon får ju dessutom käk."

Skrt^: 
"Snåla inte nu för fan! Ge henne minst 80 och om hon har potential att bli snygg; punga ut med mer vid sidan av!"

Spår av nötter: 
"Väldigt generöst med taxi och allt. Men att åka taxi är väl inget hon uppskattar som betalning direkt. "Var barnvakt åt ungarna så får du åka taxi för femhundra spänn" -Inget till värde direkt.

Nej men 250 per kväll tycker jag låter rimligt... om hon är snygg. "


mosplhcb (som startade tråden):
"100 kr i timmen känns lite för mkt för oss. Då kan man ju iofs säga att det bara är vad två stora starka kostar, vilket vi antagligen drar i oss x flera under samma kväll, men ändå. Vi är som sagt inga höginkomsttagare, både jag och min sambo jobbar inom den offentliga sektorn, och det skulle resultera i att vi anlitade henne mer sällan.

Jag kan tänka mig att kompensera henne även i annat än pengar, t ex om hon behöver hjälp med något, skjuts någonstans och liknande."

encap: 
"60-70 spänn räcker gott och väl. Det är skitbra betalt. Hon får fan käk, taxi hem, och slippa allt skit hemma, det är nog tillräckligt för en 9åk-are.

Lycka till!"


Alltså, jag blir så förbannad att jag inte vet var jag ska göra av mig själv! Det här är en människa som utför ett arbete vi pratar om här, dessutom en ung och lätt-utnyttjad människa som med initiativförmåga och god tro försöker tjäna ihop fickpengar på ett hederligt sätt, plus att arbetet i fråga heller inte är vilket arbete som helst, det innebär fullständigt ansvar för det mest heligaste och dyrbaraste i dessa människors liv, nämligen deras barn, och här prutar de med sina egna bristfälliga samveten för att se hur pass mycket pengar de kan lura henne på!

Och sedan, som om inte allt det vore nog, så spelar det helt plötsligt roll hur flickan ser ut! Är hon snygg? Som om det handlade om att träna upp en framtida älskarinna åt herrn i huset eller jag vet inte vad! Vad fan spelar det för roll om hon är snygg eller inte? Är man bättre barnvakt om man ser bra ut? Borde hon få mindre timlön om hon har oturen att vara ful, eller vadå?

Gaaaarrrgggghhh!!! säger jag bara. Hela jävla mänskligheten kan ta och hoppa i sjön, tycker jag. Jag bjuder på taxin dit. Svarttaxi.

Up the rabbit hole.

So I'm sitting in school now, and I'm the only one too, besides some staff members, and it's getting light outside but I got here when it was still dark about an hour ago, only to realize I don't actually have anything that I can do, because what I was supposed to do was call around to a bunch of strangers that have shown their interest in being zombie extras in the film and book about 160 of them for group auditions for monday and tuesday next week, but since no studios seem to be available for booking, I can't very well book any zombies because we won't have anywhere to put them and it's not like we can have the auditions in the hallway... and despite having slept on and off for three days, I'm getting tired already, can you believe it? I didn't sleep any this morning, which is probably why... I woke up at half past nine last night and I've been up since, so I guess, that's twelve hours, yeah it makes sense that I'm getting tired doesn't it? or does it? how long do you usually stay awake in a normal day if you're a normal person? you get up at like seven, you go to bed at what eleven? ten? no that's fifteen-sixteen hours, I shouldn't be getting tired yet... which means that in three or four hours I'll probably krasch. Great. Then, since there is no-one here to keep watch over me and make sure that I'm being productive, I'll cave in and go home and fall asleep and then wake up at midnight and still be stuck in this upside-down day rhythm... Great.

I feel like I'm not really real. And this is a deleted scene from a Roy Andersson film, or something. The bleak light. The falling snow outside the window next to me. The quiet around me. Except for the very annoying tick-tock of a clock somewhere.

My teacher Hanna had left an envelope for me at reception with my letter of recommendation that she's written for my grant application, though, and it was really flattering. So that made it worth while to show up here this morning.

Some irregular streams of consciousness.

I was reluctant to going to Mireya's place yesterday, since I was still in a funk, and the first hour I was thinking of excuses for leaving again, but then I got out of my head and focused on my classmates around me instead and found that I actually enjoy their company, so maybe it's not a completely logical thing to leave it... so I didn't, and I enjoyed myself, and I got out of my funk, and by the end of the night, or in the early hours of the morning, it was just myself, Min, Tobias and Mireya left, and the atmosphere took on a more cozy feel I thought. Min fell asleep on the couch, so we went into Mireya's room instead to continue talking. I fell asleep on her floor and woke up this morning tucked into a blanket. I really liked Mireya's place. And I really like Mireya. Her room mate and friend, who is also her ex girlfriend, seem quite cool too, but we only saw her briefly.



The following paragraph won't make any sense to anyone and is a boring rant about people you don't know who they are:


Min phoned me and just wanted to talk. It wasn't annoying, I couldn't think of much to say, I'm not good at small talk, but I didn't completely panic. She keeps saying she's so happy that we've become so close and she really loves hanging out with me, I think she considers me a real friend. That's cool. And totally unexpected. I didn't think I'd hang out with anyone outside of school, and if I would I expected it to be Mireya and maybe Bam Bam, but so far the ones I've hung out with the most is Anja and Min. And Kalle but that's been fairly centered around work. I had a good chat with Tobbe last night too. He's such a character, but in a very good way!




This social behaviour certainly has its ups and downs. Tomorrow I've got a full schedule of social. First my big brother and his little brat of a daughter (she says in a most affectionate manner... :)) and then Ann-Sofie, and of course as always happens when I catch up with Ann-Sofie I get her whole clan as well, she's invited me to one of her daughter's advent celebration coffee thing, 6th of December, apparently it's a big thing in Belgium and that's where they lived when the kids grew up... but yeah, I get to meet a lot of social and cheery family members as well, which should be fine, her family is great, it's awe-inspiring, I've met them before, and they're so kind and welcoming, I just hope I don't get overwhelmed and zone out, that would be rude...

I'm dyeing my hair red again. The old red faded to a copper and then to an undistinguishable colour that could be really dirty blonde or some kind of watered down orange... I think I'll name it "Rotten Strawberry Cendre"

Soon to be "Fresh Strawberry Awesome"



What follows now is a rant about the movie "Easy Rider" / non-constructively critical review:


Oh, and BY THE WAY... I accidentally bought another DVD on sale for myself when I was getting another couple of DVDs for Christmas presents, and it was "Easy Rider", because I haven't seen it, but it's got Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson, motorcycles, rock music, and it's even written and directed by Dennis Hopper, and it's supposed to be a classic right... well, I started watching it today and I couldn't believe my eyes and ears! It was TERRIBLE! I felt like I'd tumbled down the rabbit hole of terrible tastes and disappointments! I mean, really? Has anyone actually found this movie to be decent? It's a B-movie! The acting is embarassing (I didn't get to the part where Jack comes into the movie, I couldn't stand watching it anymore, and I'm sure he was great as always even in this movie, but everyone else!) the script is, I don't even know... and the whole opening scene before the title sequence, with them snorting coke (and spiking the camera!) what was that? I started fantasizing about that actually being behind the scenes footage that the editor chose to put into the beginning of the movie to excuse what was to follow, because there is no way that this movie was made by sober people. I'm shocked. I'm shell-shocked. I don't know what to say.

Red Tea.

Nothing like your reckless dad and his guardian angel to put your chest cold in perspective for you... I'll save that story for another night, though. Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still alive. I did not perish in the swine flu. I have been sick (not with the swine flu, at least I don't think so...) more so than I ever remember being, but I'm feeling much better after a whole weekend of resting and watching British crime shows on DVD (Midsomer Murder and Wire in the blood) and drinking tea would you believe it

//rant follows//--> I found it, the one and only tea that doesn't make me gag! I found it the first time in Vancouver, at Death By Chocolate, and at Starbucks, but neither of those brands are available in stores over here and so I've been trying to find it again, going through all kinds of citric flavours because I remember the tea having a hint of lemon or something, and it was really spicy as well, not bitter but not sweet or fruity either... well, they all tasted awful and I was just about to give up, but then I was sullenly going through all the teas on the shelf in my local store one evening and feeling sorry for myself and there was this new sort of tea bags that were pyramid-shaped and it was red tea, or it's not really tea at all it's rooibos but it's called red tea, and I thought I'd try it and it's the one! Isn't that typical that the one tea I can stand to drink is the red one? Seems to be my theme recently... //...end of rant//

Casting is a nightmare. The girls are great and the guys are catastrophic. And the worst part is that my two class mates who are making the short with me have their heart set on this one guy and I think he's absolutely horrible and completely wrong for the part and I don't know what I'm going to do. I've demanded/begged for a second casting tomorrow and we've contacted three more guys, but I'm not even sure about those. There aren't a lot of guys in their 25-35s with a lot of experience in this town... I thought there would be, but there isn't. And most aren't right for the role. At this rate I'll have to rewrite the script and make it a lesbian couple... (one of the other groups did that actually, for the same reason...)

Don't forget to kiss your Potions Master good bye

Ana phoned last night, when I was in the middle of trying to help my mother organize a shipment of sports wear for my brother's football club that is taking up our entire living room, so not only was it great to hear a friendly voice again, but I quite welcomed the break too! And this morning I discover I got an email from her as well, it doesn't rain but it pours, really.

You know this sucks, this whole long distance thing. Because it's like being in denial. Because people drift apart when they're away form each other, so you know that's going to happen, and if you deny that and refuse to see it, I think it's only going to happen sooner. Whereas, if you're relaxed about it and trust that there's a reason you're keeping in touch and there's a reason why you still want to think of that person being in your life even though they're not an active part of your everyday life, then maybe it won't happen at all. I don't know, what do I know about keeping in touch, really. All I've ever done is run away from things, and places, and people. It's amazing I even have any friends left, when you think about it. Well, I quit running away a while ago, about a year ago I'd say, and now I find myself doing it again, emotionally, not actually. I'm withdrawing a bit. But it's okay, because I know what I'm doing. And I am going to finish this novel if it kills me. And then I'm going to start a career thingy in film in Sweden. And then, who knows.. I'll cross that road when I get to it. But I know this much, those of you who are actually following this blog, I'm guessing, are also the ones I see in that crossroads, no matter what it brings, so buckle down, I think we're in for a ride!

On the home front, things are okay. My little brother finally managed to nag enough for dad to buy him a moped instead of paying him wages for working with him at the cottage and stuff, but of course, now he's too busy driving the thing instead of actually working. Mum found out that there is a new law concerning mopeds though, and that is you still new a license to drive one, which my brother hasn't, and he's not old enough to drive it yet. You're supposed to be fifteen, and he has a few months to go yet. So if he gets caught on that thing, it goes on my dad's record, not his. And all because he "could bore a rock."

I got a doctor's appointment for the last of this month, I wanted to check my blood and stuff, to see if I lack anything, you know, vitamins and iron, that sort of thing. I mean, I must be, cause I'm exhausted. Also I saw this notice at the clinic that if you had a blood transfusion between 75 and 91 you should get tested for hepatitis, so I'm going to do that as well. Apparently you can't just do a regular check-up at the doctor's anymore like you do at the dentist, you have to actually wait til you're sick to get an appointment, now I find this rather silly, because wouldn't you want to prevent sickness as oppose to just wait for it to happen? but then again, with the old system they had hypochondriacs like me running in and out all the time, oh the horror, how many could there be in this one village, you know I think I'm the only one.. well, except for the senior citizens, it's difficult to tell with them though, cause there's always something wrong with them and they're treating the clinic waiting room like some sort of social club, but then again they get special treatment for being old, so they would be allowed in whether they were hypochondriacs or not.. sounds like I'm racist towards old people, doesn't it? maybe I am, I don't want to get old..

There's a new book out on real life vampires that I want to get. Check it out. It's called "Vampires today: the Truth about Modern Vampirism"

Oh, my dad's home. I have to go (coffee!!)

And Here's your good deed of the day.

Take Action.

Don't expect any favours in life.

So I just finished the script for this director guy I've been in contact with. And just as I was about to send him an email and let him know the script was done and to request to have his mailing address so that I could send it to him (since he didn't want it emailed because he was so paranoid as to think someone would hack into his inbox and steal the idea) only to discover that he beat me to it and emailed me. I thought it was a funny coincidence, he's probably just emailing to check up on me and the progress of the writing process, I thought. Well, the fun doesn't end there...

His email said that it was great brainstorming about the script with me, and he wanted to let me know about the recent developments in the production plans with dates and so on, and if I still wanted my name on the credit as someone who helped work on the script, I needed to send it to him, if I was still interested. Also, he'd found two nice girls for the roles, in other words he's replaced me, even though he offered me the role from day one and we had an agreement, which is why I agreed to help him work the script in the first place. He said that I could be his AD if I wanted, if not good luck in the future and with school.

So, let's recap... he quote un-quote fell in love with me and said I was perfect for the role because I was beautiful and had gorgeous eyes and blah blah blah, and then I started critiquing the script and he turned into a lemon for about a minute and then when I started making suggestions for changes he realized that I actually knew what I was talking about and jumped at the opportunity to have a co-writer on board, gushing about credits and future collaborations and even went as far as to offer me a job in his production company... then, after I've put all of my own projects on hold for a couple of weeks to soley work on his script and rewrite it for him as soon as possible so that he could apply for funding and whatnot, he's been busy breaking our agreement and replacing me behind my back with not so much as an apology for the fact, let along an explanation!

You know I am sick and tired of being used, and even though I never trusted this whole thing for a minute because I know from experience that things never get handed to you and unless you work your butt for something you should not expect to get a thing, I just hoped for a while that maybe, just maybe I would be so lucky as to have something going for me... that I could actually get somewhere on my own over here, but you know, the only way to get anywhere in life is trustworthy friends you can depend on and hard work and persistance. I have persistance, when I really want something I can work hard even though I don't do it as much as I should, and the friends I trust and depend on I've left behind in Vancouver, which means from now on I am completely on my on and a lot of very hard work lies ahead... I know now that this program that I've been accepted to was meant to be in my path, that I am supposed to soak up as much experience and learning as I can in a year and make as many connections as possible, because I am not going to get discovered, because life is not a stupid fairy tale and I am going to have to make my own destiny and fortune.

And that's what I am going to do.

Fucker. He can stick this (much better, less stereotypical and sexist) second draft of his (before I started working on it) ridiculously awful script where the sun doesn't shine. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

That's all for me.

homeward bound

So, I've finally landed on the other side of the Atlantic ocean. It's quite odd being back home, although I haven't been home home, yet. I'm still at my big brother's place in Stockholm, and will be driving up with him, his girlfriend and my beautiful almost-one-year-old niece Milou whom I've had the privilege to meet at last. I baby-sat her last night when my brother had a meeting. She's a doll, for real. So social and adorable and plain (relatively) flawless by baby standards. We hit it off instantly, thanks to said social skills on her part, which counter-balanced the lack there-of on mine...

It's really nice being in Sweden again, though. Especially this time of year. And I don't been to sound snobbish or anything, although when it comes to this subject matter, I'm sure I am, but the north american take on christmas decorations... I'm sorry, but it's just too tacky for my taste. Here, you don't see any multi-coloured, over-sized, blinking (oh my goodness, the blinking!) christmas lights where-ever you turn or any creepy, flourescently lit plastic santa claus models or huge snowglobes (I swear, I saw one, on someone's front lawn, it was almost bigger than their porch!) Here, christmas lights are either golden yellow or snowy white, the bulbs in modest sizes and unblinking and delicately strewn across balcony railings and tree tops so as to resemble fallen stars which has stuck to the branches as opposed to... I don't know what! I can't think of any analogy, there's just no comparison on this whole earth!

Stockholm has yet to be covered in snow, though. So it doesn't quite feel like christmas yet. But I'm sure we'll have a white christmas, we always do in the end.

I've talked to my family and my best friend on the phone several times already and today I called my dear friend Ann-sofie who lives here in Stockholm and we decided to possibly meet for coffee tomorrow adternoon and then on friday evening she invited me over to her and her husbands flat for a big family dinner, all her children but one daughter will be there with their respective families, so that will probably be nice. (she said she considered me her fourth child!)

My brother and niece are home again, so I should probably go and be social. And maybe help prepare lunch (the whole routine things is apparantly huge when you're dealing with kids!)