Dying by Chocolate

I beg your pardon for my recent abscence.. I've been rather under the weather for a while. I think it's stress related, but then all the girls at work are in pretty similar situations, so who knows? Perhaps there is some truth to the "Death" in "Death by Chocolate" after all...

I had my first audition a few days ago. It went horribly. But it was an unpaid gig, so the stakes aren't that high. I think the callbacks were this weekend though, so I think it's safe to say they didn't like me. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed for a teve show after christmas, because that would be a loop hole in the whole being unable to work as an actor on a regular work permit thing. But I shouldn't think about the future. The future doesn't exist yet anyway. But then again neither does the past or the present when you think about it. Well, perhaps the past exists. Or existed. But not anymore, so yeah, it doesn't exist.

Anyway. Spent the entire morning and afternoon with my darling Cesar who finally returned to me from Edmonton. We wasted away in a coffee shop together. Then we walked across the bridge to Davie and I showed him a book store I discovered the other day after my meeting with Danielle, Little Sister's Book Shop, and he was very impressed. We browsed in there for hours. Then on our way back we ran into his family and we all had lunch together in a Greek restaurant, the same Greek restaurant Mark took a group of us to back in the beginning of school. Cesar's family had a blast conversing in Spanish with the waiter who turned out to be Mexican. After lunch Cesar went back to Kits with me so that he could say Hi to Ana and Mike before leaving us again to go to Seattle (today) and then I worked. And work was actually fun for once because I was very hyper until around eleven when I morphed into a zombie. The thing is I never went to bed that morning so by the time I crawled home last night I'd been up for thirty-eight hours. Which is nothing to me when I've insomnia, but usually I'm just at home pottering around, doodling, scribbling, watching movies... not slaving in Death by Chocolate. Everyone is telling me to find another job, but I don't know. Finding a new apartment is time- and energy-wasting enough considering I have next to no time left before I have to toss my world upside-down again..

I'll probably do what feels right, I always do.

Things are looking up

So I had a chat with Tony about our living arrangement and he more or less surprised me by being in full agreement with me when I said I'd had enough and needed to move out. It's definitely a load off my mind to know that we're both on the same page in this and that we're both going to look for new places and go our seperate ways. It's for the best and it will possibly save our friendship, one which is barely existent anymore due to us living together and since we bring out the worst in one another have become resentful toward each other as a result.

Wait, it gets better. The other night I came home from work (this was actually after mine and Tony's chat and I was already in a much better mood than I've been in ages, it feels like.) and noticed that I had a voice mail message (I'd forgotten my mobile at home before going to work that afternoon.) and it was from an agent by the name of Danielle who works for Top Talent and she'd seen the pictures and info I'd uploaded to Casting Workbook that very morning and wanted to meet with me. She also said she'd seen some of my work at VFS, which boggled my mind since none of my work from school has been broadcasted in public or on the web, but as it turned out when I returned her call the next day, she is actually not only an agent but the girlfriend of one of my teachers at VFS.

I met up with her over a cup of coffee in English Bay this morning. She's definitely a sweetheart and according to her she's had her eye on me for a while, asking VFS staff about me and any possible representation I might have because she's been wanting to sign me to her roster for a while. And so today, she did. And I finally have representation. Just like that. I cannot tell you how relieved and excited I am.

The industry is still very slow and I don't expect a lot of auditioning opportunities immediately, but at least I'm moving forward again, and it feels wonderful. Now all I need is Cesar to return to Vancouver so that we can move in together and my life will be almost perfect.

web site

Did I mention that I've updated my website and it looks gorgeous, well, at least compared to what it used to look like, it's got a whole new pretty layout as well as content for the first time ever, so that's worth a look for anyone who's interested? Oh, I did. Alright then.

Well that's all I have time for, I'm afraid. I have to make this brief, because I got a voice mail message from an agent yesterday and I'm just about to go to the bank to deposit my pay check and then I'm going to call her back. I will keep you posted.

The lone ranger

I've tinkered with my website and it looks completely different and actually has content for the first time ever. Real life has been quite insane lately. Or perhaps I'm the insane one, I'm not quite sure. What I am sure of though, is that if things keep going at this rate I might as well chuck my future autobiography and just sit down and write a soap opera pilot instead.

I just talked to my younger brother over msn for the first time in almost a year. He was getting ready for bed. He's almost a decimeter taller than me now, which is rather frightening, because to me he's still a little twit and unable to look down on me... But he's growing up, which is to be expected I suppose. I guess for everyone back home to be frozen in time whilst I'm here is simply too much to ask...

I'm experiencing a lot of chest pains recently, a bullet proof sign that I need to stop fretting and stressing out over things I have no control over and change those I have control over. But it's easier to procrastinate and sulk, as always. The right way isn't the easy way, my friend and co-worker told me and she's right. Well, those two friends I gained in exchange for the one I lost, well it's three lost now and none gained. I'm beginning to think I should just stay away from people.

scraps

I had coffee with my FRIEND Mike two days in a row this week, one of them was actually his coffee with Ana but I barged in on them and made myself comfortable. Furthermore, Ana is worried about me because I am apparently (she´s right) getting depressed and I can´t afford to be at this point in time. So, today after having dropped one package to one agency, instead of the seven I as supposed to originally, I went and got a chamomile tea and a coffee at work and showed up on her doorstep and we discussed her play that she wants my help to write.

I sat with Adam on a park bench and talked for hours about life and death and certain things in between. We´ve also mentioned putting up an art exhibit together in the spring. I mentioned this to Ana and Mike and they seemed eager to participate, so hopefully something like that might happen. I actually painted a bit last night when I couldn´t sleep. Subconscious thought splatters really, but at least I´m being somewhat creative...

On another note, the adventures of Hedy continues, but that´s a different story for a different day when I´m not pressed for time.

yeah.

It's not an easy thing to unravel, or I should say it's not as simple as the word suggests because it's not an explosive endeavour that suddenly grabs a hold of you, but a gradual process of sporadic development.

It's a new day.

This week I might have lost a friend and gained two new friends. That's fair trade, I suppose. We'll see what happens.

I'm on a breaking point right now. Whereever I look there's something unravelling or dissolving around me. It's like seeing your own destruction and resurrection in the world around you and not quite knowing how you feel about it and what side of it to look at and whether the glass you're holding, whilst looking at that person who's sitting awfully close to you but not nearly close enough because you have to keep a distance to them, is half full or half empty or if you should order a refill. Yes. I think that's what I'm trying to say. That's my amateur been reading a lot of Voltaire and Nietzsche lately attempt at philosophical reflection of the day. Life's a barsmaid. Yeah, that's deep as a puddle, isn't it.

Anyway, speaking of Nietzsche... might be having wine with afore-mentioned two new friends tonight since Hedy offered to take my shift, and paint and have deep existentialistic conversations and listen to old blues classics and all that other pretentiousness trademark of the misplaced half of the tele-generation.

I wish I played an instrument.

ship wreck

Ship wrecked she waded where the waves pushed her to
the storm still poking her in the back, the salt water
still clinging to her eye lashes, solidifying into grains of sand
caking her cheeks like a second layer of skin
Any port will do, she told me
But when I went to leave she held on to my wrist
and smiled with uncertainty