Off to a bad start.

This photographer/agent that my aunt knows and dragged me to see a few months ago got in touch with me again. He just got back from Italy, he says. And he wanted to see me (without my aunt being there and making him stressed ...) so I told him I only have weekends available because of school, and we decided on next weekend. So I've booked my train tickets, and dad was going to call my aunt and see if I could stay at hers... I don't know how I get myself into these things, I really don't. I'm not a model! I don't want to be a model! Ah, whatever. Maybe I'll get some extra cash or at least a couple of nice photos that I can put on my website, that is in serious need of updating by the way, and I've promised Ana to make layout pictures for her web site as well, and I haven't even as much as thought about Photoshop since school started (it's threatening to file for divorce ...)

This past week seems to have taken its toll on me finally. I woke up dead. And then I realized I was running very late. And then somehow managed to drag myself out of bed, out of the house and onto the bus, and I was doing okay until I reached the metro ... then I got hit with this weight of nausea and broke out into a cold sweat and could barely see ... so I took off my sunglasses. But I was still bleary-eyed and shaky. And I decided that the amount of strenght and energy that would be required to get my arse all the way out to Alby for school would kill me a second time and I'd still be inexcusably late, so I folded under pressure and went home again. Coffee and Hammerfall and a big blanket later, I'm feeling less pitiful and less dead. Now I'm more of a zombie beating itself up for missing a day of school.

strange meetings

So I was meeting my agent Lawra Linda in a Starbucks shop downtown tonight. She was over an hour late because the meeting she had before ran over time, and as I was sitting there, looking out the window for possible agents (I've never met her in person before, so I didn't know what she looked like!) and fidgeting (since I'd already finished my venti darkroast) this guy came into the place. He seemed like he was in a rush and like he was looking for someone, so I thought nothing of it, since Lawra Linda happens to be female... and then caught sight of me and our eyes locked briefly and he came striding up to me and crouched down next to where I was sitting and started talking to me. Turned out he was a scout for a model agency. It also turned out he thought I was 16 years old, 5'9" in height and into modelling. When I told him I was in fact 22, 5'7" without my boots on and and actress, he gracefully told me that I had a great look and good luck with my acting. And then he left the Starbucks again. Without even buying any coffee!

Anyway. Lawra Linda showed up almost immediately after that. And made a great first impression on me. Instincts weere flying all over the place. We just clicked instantly. Unless I am very mistaken, and my instincts are wrong (which they haven't been to date) I am meant to accomplish great things with this person. I see a common future for us. She's a Capricorn, just like my best friend Cesar. She seemed to fall in love with me too (not literally, she's got a husband and kids) and we talked for quite a while, then we went for a walk and kept talking, and apparently she thought I was sixteen too by the way! What the hell... I mean, hey, not that I'm complaining, I pay half price on the bus because of this baby face of mine, but still... Odd.

I've got another audition, this one also a taped one to be sent off to Toronto. It's a TV Pilot called "Copper" and I'm playing someone who, judging by the audition sides, is a fake bitch out for herself... so this shall be fun! I'm going to read the full script right now and then get started on the audition first thing in the morning.

Good night.

Cheer up!

Just another quick note so as not to be overly negative in this thing... my agent left a message on my voice mail while I was at working, passive-aggressively folding t-shirts and avoiding the eyes of customers so I wouldn't have to pretend I was in a sunny state of mind and how can I help you, to let me know she watched my audition before she sent it off and she thought I did great. She sounded quite excited about it too, so I'm thinking she meant it.

I'm at home now. Funny how you become utterly calm at a point when you have carried the world upon your shoulders for a while, but hey jude, suck it up and get to work. Things won't change for you. You have to change things. There we go. The moral of the day. I'm done now...

Things are looking up

So I had a chat with Tony about our living arrangement and he more or less surprised me by being in full agreement with me when I said I'd had enough and needed to move out. It's definitely a load off my mind to know that we're both on the same page in this and that we're both going to look for new places and go our seperate ways. It's for the best and it will possibly save our friendship, one which is barely existent anymore due to us living together and since we bring out the worst in one another have become resentful toward each other as a result.

Wait, it gets better. The other night I came home from work (this was actually after mine and Tony's chat and I was already in a much better mood than I've been in ages, it feels like.) and noticed that I had a voice mail message (I'd forgotten my mobile at home before going to work that afternoon.) and it was from an agent by the name of Danielle who works for Top Talent and she'd seen the pictures and info I'd uploaded to Casting Workbook that very morning and wanted to meet with me. She also said she'd seen some of my work at VFS, which boggled my mind since none of my work from school has been broadcasted in public or on the web, but as it turned out when I returned her call the next day, she is actually not only an agent but the girlfriend of one of my teachers at VFS.

I met up with her over a cup of coffee in English Bay this morning. She's definitely a sweetheart and according to her she's had her eye on me for a while, asking VFS staff about me and any possible representation I might have because she's been wanting to sign me to her roster for a while. And so today, she did. And I finally have representation. Just like that. I cannot tell you how relieved and excited I am.

The industry is still very slow and I don't expect a lot of auditioning opportunities immediately, but at least I'm moving forward again, and it feels wonderful. Now all I need is Cesar to return to Vancouver so that we can move in together and my life will be almost perfect.

web site

Did I mention that I've updated my website and it looks gorgeous, well, at least compared to what it used to look like, it's got a whole new pretty layout as well as content for the first time ever, so that's worth a look for anyone who's interested? Oh, I did. Alright then.

Well that's all I have time for, I'm afraid. I have to make this brief, because I got a voice mail message from an agent yesterday and I'm just about to go to the bank to deposit my pay check and then I'm going to call her back. I will keep you posted.

tedious everyday life.

I stayed up to about five o'clock this morning. And was woken up by my boss calling me on my mobile. He said he called the new girl that I'm supposed to train as a barista and told her that she didn't have to come in tonight. And that I could be both server and barista. And then come in and train her on my nights off. I really need to find another job.

I also called around to the agencies where I dropped packages two weeks ago and tried to weasel some feedback out of them. One didn't answer. One had no idea about anything. One said he'd call me back in half an hour.

I need to get new headshots done. I'm going to give Rob Daly a call and set up an appointment for a session as soon as he has an opening.

On a more personal note, I've fallen in love... I'm head over heels in love with this cynical, chain-smoking, wine-drinking, irish comedian... yes. It's Dylan Moran.

Okay. Seriously. Serious matter. Here goes...

I can never fall in love with a real person. It's always someone I can observe from afar. Someone who doesn't get to close to me. But I'd like to change that some day. I'd like to be able to connect. Closely. Be absorbed by another living, breathing, pulsating, smiling, being. Someone who is not a chain-smoking, cynical, wine-drinking Irish comedian whom I've never met in real life, or the triple agent of a teve show, or the feline villain in a comic book, or even a beautiful person of flesh and blood whom I've only encountered on the internet. The closest thing i have right now is an unattainable attraction toward a real life acquaintance. Off limits. Well, go figure the hormons a.k.a. feelings are flowing then... whenever the person get too close i run away, emotionally, and shut myself in my little rib-caged cupboard and yell at them from the other side of the door, go away, i made a mistake, i do apologize, but kindly fuck off now. You know?

I want to be one with another human being without all of that. I want to touch that person and allow them, want them, need them to touch me, and it doesn't have to be sexual, it doesn't have to be all that, just purely, simply, affecting one another. Okay. I want to build a bridge. How's that?