Suicidal cookie

Lots of things to do today, so I have to make this brief. Not that I really know what this is, not much has happened since my last entry, so I don't really have anything to write about. I'm still figuring things out, and procrastinating, and working, I haven't heard anything from my agent since the last audition I did (which I blew) and right now I'm focusing on the future.

Ana has this amazing idea for a documentary that she wants to do, and I'm allowed to help out on the project providing I'm actually around, so I have kept myself kind of detached to the whole thing I think just because I don't know for sure if I'll be around to do it with her and I don't want to get all excited and then disappointed... and also with a documentary I feel that my assets or contribution would be limited in comparison to a film, because I can do fiction no problem, I'm creative, I have a wild imagination, I'm artsy, all of which actually works against you in reality and documentary-making, I think. But I'm good at research and being stubbornly inquisitive though, so I'm sure I'll manage to find a straw to add to the nest... if I get to stick around at all, that is.

I had this fix idea about a year ago to name a production/publishing company "Bloody cookie whatever" (it derives from when I first started working in "Death by chocolate" and I was bitching to Brett about not being able to learn the names of the stupid cakes...), I mentioned this to Ana but she didn't like it. She said that just "Fucking cookie" was preferable. That it was the word "bloody" she didn't like because it sounded too british. We then agreed on "Suicidal cookie", hence the title of this entry, so I just thought I'd share with the class... "Suicidal cookie" is the working title of the production company. What do you think?

More on said production company, I've had several ideas for films in the past couple of days, well, it was dead slow at work and the t-shirts were already folded, so I had time to think and day dream... and scribble on pieces of paper... and I have plenty of stuff to play around with now. I mustn't get too tunnel-visioned on this one though, not right now, I can't afford to, I have to be practical and I have to devote my creativity and energy on making my portfolio for Emily Carr... so, I'm off to do some practical stuff now, I'll talk you later!

Another day, another coffee shop

I have now applied to Emily Carr, hopefully the transcript issue won't hold me back, or anything else either. I feel like not only am I raising against time, but I have this whole "You and me against the world" thing going, minus the "You and"... okay, that's unfair, I know. I have a lot of people supporting me right now, some unexpected, some not, but it's still surprising and I'm really thankful. It sounds weird, I know, but it still boggles my mind that there are people out there in the real world who actually give a shit about me. It's heart-warming, to be honest.

I have also contacted various schools in Sweden, some who were probably hoping to forget I ever attended their institutions, and asked them to send my transcripts to Emily Carr. So far two have risen to the challenge, which is great.

I went and spoke to a person in the Immigrations office today, as well. That was a waste of time, unfortunately. But I don't give up that easily, you know.

Also I'm waiting to hear back from 2nd ave in regards to filming my next audition tomorrow morning before work, hopefully they'll have a spot open for me before I have to go and fold shirts.. I'm looking forward to this one, this girl is a whole heap of fun. Did I tell you aboout her already? Well, I'll tell you again, she's a complete bitch. Manipulative, fake, cunning, cold, competetive, out for herself, the whole nine yards... plus she's a cop, since it's a cop show, and she's a lesbian, and I'm thinking she's probably misunderstood and has a whole bunch of insecurity issues as well, hence the afore-mentioned not so good qualities.. great qualities for an actor to portray though! Like I said, I'm looking forward to it. Her name is Gail Peck. Isn't that perfect?

I'm also waiting to hear back from Lawra Linda to see what she has to say about my being back to square one after having (tried to) talk to the not-so-enthusiastic-about-helping-me blonde at the Immigrations Office... that will fun. The last thing I need right now is her coming to the slow realization that it's impossible to keep me...

Oh, shit. That was 2nd ave, they have no openings tomorrow and they wanted to know if I could come in today at 5:30... I haven't even memorized the script yet! I have to go...

strange meetings

So I was meeting my agent Lawra Linda in a Starbucks shop downtown tonight. She was over an hour late because the meeting she had before ran over time, and as I was sitting there, looking out the window for possible agents (I've never met her in person before, so I didn't know what she looked like!) and fidgeting (since I'd already finished my venti darkroast) this guy came into the place. He seemed like he was in a rush and like he was looking for someone, so I thought nothing of it, since Lawra Linda happens to be female... and then caught sight of me and our eyes locked briefly and he came striding up to me and crouched down next to where I was sitting and started talking to me. Turned out he was a scout for a model agency. It also turned out he thought I was 16 years old, 5'9" in height and into modelling. When I told him I was in fact 22, 5'7" without my boots on and and actress, he gracefully told me that I had a great look and good luck with my acting. And then he left the Starbucks again. Without even buying any coffee!

Anyway. Lawra Linda showed up almost immediately after that. And made a great first impression on me. Instincts weere flying all over the place. We just clicked instantly. Unless I am very mistaken, and my instincts are wrong (which they haven't been to date) I am meant to accomplish great things with this person. I see a common future for us. She's a Capricorn, just like my best friend Cesar. She seemed to fall in love with me too (not literally, she's got a husband and kids) and we talked for quite a while, then we went for a walk and kept talking, and apparently she thought I was sixteen too by the way! What the hell... I mean, hey, not that I'm complaining, I pay half price on the bus because of this baby face of mine, but still... Odd.

I've got another audition, this one also a taped one to be sent off to Toronto. It's a TV Pilot called "Copper" and I'm playing someone who, judging by the audition sides, is a fake bitch out for herself... so this shall be fun! I'm going to read the full script right now and then get started on the audition first thing in the morning.

Good night.

Cheer up!

Just another quick note so as not to be overly negative in this thing... my agent left a message on my voice mail while I was at working, passive-aggressively folding t-shirts and avoiding the eyes of customers so I wouldn't have to pretend I was in a sunny state of mind and how can I help you, to let me know she watched my audition before she sent it off and she thought I did great. She sounded quite excited about it too, so I'm thinking she meant it.

I'm at home now. Funny how you become utterly calm at a point when you have carried the world upon your shoulders for a while, but hey jude, suck it up and get to work. Things won't change for you. You have to change things. There we go. The moral of the day. I'm done now...

Suck a lonely day, and it's mine.

So yesterday my agent got me an audition for a horror film that I was supposed to go and tape at 2nd avenue and email to wherever. The project is called "Echoes" and it's your basic horror film setup. A group of 20-something-year-olds decide to break into an old and abandoned mental institution with a dark past and have a halloween party and things get ugly. I went for the part of Calie who was the Britney Spears-listening, gorgeous blonde of this crew and I obviously get killed off first along with my handsome but not too quick on the uptake jock of a boyfriend. Well, I don't have my hopes up for this one, but it would be fun to do if I actually got the role against the odds.

Anyway. I couldn't sleep, nothing new there, but did eventually doze off sometime early this morning. Overslept. Bus took forever. By the time I was downtown it was already ten o'clock when I was supposed to be at 2nd ave, and I had two more buses to catch. So, quite panicked, I thought I'd hail a cab, but then I remembered that my paycheck might not have gone through yet, so I wouldn't have enough money on my debot to pay the cab and 2nd ave, so I figured I'd use the money my dear mother put onto my swedish Visa card.. however, I wasn't sure I remembered the PIN correctly not having used it in about a year, so I went looking for an ATM to see if I could take out money... and the fucking thing ate my card! It was past it expiry date, I had my old card in my wallet and my new one still in the envelope at home!

So, completely desperate and hopeless at this point, I just started walking in the general direction of where I was going, which was east, and discovered there was a bus that would take me across the water closer to where the studio is located so I wouldn't have to take the 9 on the other side, so I hopped onto that and called 2nd ave to let them know I was running late, found the place, ran inside about 15 mins late, went in and rushed through my death scene, smacting all the way, and then I was out.

Hey, at least I made it there.

I'm in a coffee shop, in MY coffee shop rather, big new cafe on broadway and granville, and I am feeling very dejected, not because of the audition, but because I don't see a way for my to stay in the country after March, and I'm not talking just for those five months between the end of my work visa and the start of the art program I want to apply to in September, but at all, ever. I don't think I'm qualified to apply to Emily Carr. I was supposed to contact some translators to translate my academic transcripts right now, but I left the paper at home with the name of the company that does those, so I went to Emily Carr's website to see if they had the link there, and I realized that besides the translations they also need the original transcripts, sent from the various institutions that have issued each and every one of them, by Feb 1st. I can't just give them my copies, the schools have to send them! I am so, sooo fucked.

I don't know what to do. I had so many options, and I couldn't decide what do to, and now I have none. I'm telling you, 2009 hates me. I thought things were looking up and that my angel was watching over me, but really.. I see no light in this fucking tunnel and I am sick of this. I just want to catch a break. I want to sit down and take a deep breath and not have the entire fucking world weighing down on my shoulders like some gullible Atlas.

Auditioning

So the audition was fun. It was for a Nickelback music video, it turned out. I was paired up with a guy and we were sitting side by side on a couple of chairs that were playing the part of a car, and we sang "Living on a prayer" at the top of our voices and flirted and I fed him a cookie, etc.. then we were parked and he started making advances, I pushed him away and he gets aggressive.. anyway, we had instant chemistry, so it was great fun.

The callbacks are tomorrow, but I didn't get one. According to my agent I was too young.. but that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, cause the character was a 16-year-old, and I thought I'd be too old. I'm really confused about the whole thing.. anyways, would have been fun to get the gig, but I've got another audition already, a taped one, so that's a first. Don't know where or when I'm supposed to be taping this, but..

Ana approved of the script changes. So now we have our structure, time to dig deeper.

Monday and more to come

Had the worst night's sleep ever. But I'm feeling better today, thank you. My agent called me at midnight... let me emphasize: Midnight... and told me that I have an audition today in the afternoon. It's for some music video, band yet to be revealed. And they didn't give me any sides before-hand, so I'll have to memorize and prepare it on the spot, which should be fine, I think, cause it's a music video right, so how much talking could there possibly be? Right? Well, anyway. My audition is an four o'clock and I work between twelve and six-thirty, which also posed as a bit of a problem, but I just got off the phone with the lovely Mira, my manager, and she's letting me go, so now I just have to nail it.

Oh, and I'm going for the role of Girl, 16, and naturally beautiful... tssk. Well, let's put the puppy eyes to the test, right? I figured this would be a good chance to see if I'll pass for a 16-year-old, since that's also the age of the character I'll be portraying in mine and Ana's film whenever we get it made.

Speaking of which, after much fretting and brooding and trying to breathe, I finished the draft. I found the 2nd act, I hope, and simplified it and narrowed down the locations, and I'll be discussing it with Ana tonight... so I'll make sure to keep you posted on that. She probably won't like it at all, and I probably didn't find a 2nd act either, but hey... all part of the process, right. Just wish I wasn't running out of time!

Off to work now. Hey, maybe I should quiz the customers about my age?

GAH

I am not having a very good day off, at all. I'm really anxious right now, and I don't really know why, I mean nothing in particular has happened or gone wrong, but I'm having trouble breathing and it's messing up my ability to focus and that's very annoying. I'm supposed to be finishing the script right now, and it's almost done, just have the very last bit left to type up, not even come up with but type up, and I can't, because I can't sit still or see straight or fucking collect myself and it's driving me insane. At first I thought, well, I haven't been out of the war zone, I mean, apartment, all day so I just need some fresh air, and move my legs and get the circulation going, blood flowing, all that stuff so I went out for a walk and I got chest pains and dizzy almost immediately, like I'd been running a marathon, and I know I'm out of shape, but come on, that's just ridiculous. And I don't know what to do. I bought cigarettes, but even though smoking calms me down, it does nothing for my chest and then that makes me even more anxious since I'm a hypochondriac, and the whole vicious circle starts all over again. I hate 2009 so far, I really do. Not that 2008 was that great or any other year, except maybe 1994 and backwards, and I don't want to go back for the life of me, but come on, cut me some slack here, I just want to breathe properly, I mean is that realy too much to ask, really?

limbo 2009

My family's perfected the Art of Awkward Hugs. I just said goodbye to my dad and little brother. They're heading back to the hotel and my mum's driving me to the airport in the morning before they get back, which means I have no idea when I'll see them next... probably some time in the next year.

I'm in limbo right now. I wish I'd just be gone so it'd be done with. I wish I was back in Van having coffee and arguing about script changes with Ana and making up excuses for being late for work. I wish I had my everyday back.

One more night.

Letter for Cesar #1

Hi my love.

If you're thinking I'm going to be this awful at keeping in touch with you the entire time we're a part, then worry no more! It will all change as soon as my hostages release me into the real world and I can go back to my life in Van, which I still have by the way, a co-worker of mine emailed me and told me I'm on the schedule for next week, so at least I won't be unemployed and homeless when I get back so that's a good thing.

I had quite the new year's eve with a good Cabernet Sauvignon and kisses from the beautiful girl of my obsessions, but unfortunately it had a very disappointing turn of events right about the time of "Happy new yeeeeaaar"s and came to a quite anti-climatic ending when said nymph took off to a neighbouring in-the-middle-of-nowhere-town to go to a party together with her personalized prince charming who is currently studying to become a pilot in Germany but was also home for the holidays, and I was left to resort to the good-old pub where I stood in the corner with my best friend, sipped on a pint of swedish beer and watched in mild disgust as girls all dolled-up in gothic attire who looked to be all of thirteen years of age rock out to such heavy tunes as "Womanizer" by your darling Ms Spears and "I kissed a girl" by whatshername...

Cesar, the sunshine of my existence, so far, I regret to announce, 2009 sucks...

I've been a wreck these past few nights, if you thought I was bad the night before I left Vancouver, you should see me now. I've been anxious about the future and obsessive and manic and depressed all at ONCE and finding my precious precious copy of "Recent Forgeries" (and before you make the outrageous mistake of asking "What's that" I suggest you do some research because I will not tolerate that sort of blasphemy right now) and re-reading it over and over didn't even help to calm me down and for your information that's very bad because ever since my mum gave it to me for my whatever birthday (20th I think) it's always done the trick, always! It's calmed me and inspired me and made me positive for so many years of sleepless nights. But this time it's like my surroundings are working against me. There are so many things around me, especially in the bookcase and closet in my old room, that remind me of past moments. And it's like i'm stuck in a museum dedicated to a former life that is supposed to be familiar to me and it is but I just don't fit in it anymore and that scares me but more than anything it makes me dangerously nostalgic, and you know me, when I start to reminisce... It's like a black hole. Anyway, I've got my coffee and my laptop and my family's not bothering me for once and now I am going to write! because one thing that's been positive is that I had some major new ideas for the film!

Also I have discovered the joys and conveiniences of drinking coffee from a cup with a saucer!

love you miss you
ida