Sleepless in Sweden,

I just got hit by a fucking tidal wave of anxiety, researching my options on the internet, too many of them it's overwhelming, just like Ana said last time we spoke on the phone... well there's just the two really, not even, more like one and a half, and they're both good options, but I keep thinking about these outrageous Sliding doors side effects of this one decision and my mind spins out of control and I'm trapped in this surreal nightmare of possibilities that I can't wake up from. I guess I'm in for another sleepless night...

You the expression when something "makes your skin crawl"?

We wrote five scenes. And I might have something resembling a story for my thriller. Even though the whole protagonist antagonist different POVs still confuse me and I don't see why I can't play God with my character and just do whatever I want but okay, fine. Anyway, I had two guys hit on me whilst waiting for the bus and then a wasted girl on the way home, she owns the tattoo parlour down the road and needed my help unlocking her car... I did ask her if she should be driving, she said, "Sweetie, we Canadians... we do crazy things, this is the least of my worries right now" and then she offered me a lift and I politely declined and walked the rest of the way home. And then I got here and now I'm depressed. That was quick...

Another day, another coffee shop

I have now applied to Emily Carr, hopefully the transcript issue won't hold me back, or anything else either. I feel like not only am I raising against time, but I have this whole "You and me against the world" thing going, minus the "You and"... okay, that's unfair, I know. I have a lot of people supporting me right now, some unexpected, some not, but it's still surprising and I'm really thankful. It sounds weird, I know, but it still boggles my mind that there are people out there in the real world who actually give a shit about me. It's heart-warming, to be honest.

I have also contacted various schools in Sweden, some who were probably hoping to forget I ever attended their institutions, and asked them to send my transcripts to Emily Carr. So far two have risen to the challenge, which is great.

I went and spoke to a person in the Immigrations office today, as well. That was a waste of time, unfortunately. But I don't give up that easily, you know.

Also I'm waiting to hear back from 2nd ave in regards to filming my next audition tomorrow morning before work, hopefully they'll have a spot open for me before I have to go and fold shirts.. I'm looking forward to this one, this girl is a whole heap of fun. Did I tell you aboout her already? Well, I'll tell you again, she's a complete bitch. Manipulative, fake, cunning, cold, competetive, out for herself, the whole nine yards... plus she's a cop, since it's a cop show, and she's a lesbian, and I'm thinking she's probably misunderstood and has a whole bunch of insecurity issues as well, hence the afore-mentioned not so good qualities.. great qualities for an actor to portray though! Like I said, I'm looking forward to it. Her name is Gail Peck. Isn't that perfect?

I'm also waiting to hear back from Lawra Linda to see what she has to say about my being back to square one after having (tried to) talk to the not-so-enthusiastic-about-helping-me blonde at the Immigrations Office... that will fun. The last thing I need right now is her coming to the slow realization that it's impossible to keep me...

Oh, shit. That was 2nd ave, they have no openings tomorrow and they wanted to know if I could come in today at 5:30... I haven't even memorized the script yet! I have to go...

And what have you done?

It's almost two in the morning. I was falling asleep in front of the TV a few hours ago and decided to go to bed but of course as soon as I lay down in the dark of my former bedroom I was wide awake again. So this is Christmas - I dread to face the inevitable question that follows that statement - I think I'm experiencing an assault of post-holiday gloom to my various senses, just wait until you see me around this time on New Year's Eve, must be all the fattening food and sugary sweets that have been force-fed to me by means of brainwashing and possibly red-suited telekinesis. It's so weird, I was having a staring contest with myself whilst brushing my teeth just now, yeah I'm weird too, but I barely recognize myself sometimes. Another year has gone by, still completely narcissistic. Well, almost completely. There are still some stray thoughts of interest directed at certain someones that are not part of the population of my own mind and on that note I think I am most definitely destined for a life of devoted celebacy. I'm here. The other day I was literally a wall away, when I was visiting Fredde who got an apartment in the same building, I was in the same building, and my being in said building was made known through text messages and telepathy, but nothing. I left the christmas gift with Fredde, figured you know, they're more likely to see each other first anyway...but anyway, I should get some sleep, or rest at least, or brooding even, done and yeah... wow, odd thought processes, i just thought of Lucy in the sky with diamonds and then on auto-pilot thought of an acronym for myself and came up with Ida in the desert with acorns, acorns of all things, I ask you,

yeah, the holidays are evil - but at least I got some nice pretty things, my family is still in one piece and I have not morphed into blue whale just yet...

'tis the season to be anxious

So on Saturday I was feeling somewhat down, not exactly suicidal, but very Eeyore-eque, like everything is hopeless and there's no point to your existens and all that stuff. Not an alltogether nice feeling, as you can imagine.

On Sunday the world flipped over and I was upside-down for most of the night and bouncing between the walls, not literally, but almost. Not necessarily in a manic fashion, just very very uncalm, I suppose. I also started fretting about the fact that I wasn't feeling tired at all and that I wouldn't be getting any sleep and I had work in the morning, so long story short, when I found a little packet with six Tylenol cold pills I figured they would knock me out. Did they? No, no. They made me whoosy, and made me throw up in the middle of the night, and then toss and turn in cold sweat for the rest of the morning. I got up in time for work but couldn't shower properly because I got lightheaded and shaky, and the cold sweat and dizziness washed over me again, and... well, Ana and Cesar gave me hell for it later in the evening when I told them, making it sound like I'd tried to overdose or something which is preposterous because they were bloody Tylenols, but anyway... I realize it was stupid all the same and I mustn't have been thinking completely straight at the time, so I'm just writing it off as one of my antiques whilst being crazy.

Today is Monday and I've spent the entire morning writing lists which tells me that I am very anxious, but that's alright because I have to go to work now and who has time for anxiety when there are t-shirts to be folded? Later.

tequila rose and other unfortunates

my first meeting with nathaniel geary, the director, went fantastic. we met up in this cozy coffee shop and had an immediate connection. when we were discussing my script i could tell we were on the same page. i am so looking forward to working with him now. we start filming in a month and i have a lot of work to do on my script. plus i'm auditioning for tequila rose.

last night was a surreal nightmare. i went for dinner at earl's after school with cesar and sarah and when we got up to pay the bill and leave, my backpack had completely disappeared from its spot on the floor next to my chair. we hadn't seen anyone even walking by that side of the table and we never left it, we sat there the entire time and we didn't see anything. that backpack contained my laptop, my wallet with my visa card, all my homework and papers from school, basically my entire life. the waitresses were really nice and said it was probably some misunderstanding, they took down my information and said they'd give me a call if it showed up at the end of the night.

me and cesar went home. i logged onto my bank's website to cancel my credit card, just in case. and as i checked my account i discovered that huge amounts money were being withdrawn from it at that very minute. within an hour of losing my bag, i'd lost next to $3000 from my savings account. i phoned the police and reported it stolen, they were very unhelpful, then me and cesar tried to call the bank in sweden to cancel my card, but his phone wouldn't allow international calls, so we ran down lonsdale from gas station to gas station trying to find a international calling card. we finally did and i called the bank from a pay phone and cancelled my card.

i emailed nathaniel and asked him to email me back my script, which he just did, so that i can work on the script which needs to be rewritten by monday. tony said he'd help me contact dell on monday, because according to him they have tracking devices on their computers... i'm trying to stay positive despite my glass being as always half empty...

so, it's all over. we finished all our presentations with our movement pieces yesterday afternoon. it was fine. of course, no-one really takes movement and the pieces seriously, so it wasn't that big a deal, unlike the day before, tuesday... that's when we performed our monologues. the scariest and most exciting thing ever. we all sat on the floor upstage against the wall, behind the actor performing, facing the audience while we waited for our turn to and after we'd done our monologue...

the scary thing was your name was drawn from a bowl so you had no idea when it was going to be your turn! and to make things even harder you had to draw two other pieces of paper for yourself once you were up there and quickly do whatever was on them, in my case it was teenage mutant ninja turtles (on the one note) in gibberish (on the other), and for example, rodrigo who went first, got arnold swatzieneigger (i have no idea how to spell his name) on ice. that was meant to get you out of your head before doing your piece, and made things a bit more light for everyone, cause most of the monologues were really intense and dark... i performed gill's and that was about her boating accident when she was eleven and it was very graphic...

anyway. i survived. we all did. and last night we went out for drinks!

i went for a coffee with cathrine before joining the guys at the pub and brett, darryl, mark and josh walked by, high as kites, they'd taken e and were heading toward granville street to get drunk and check out girls or something... i know it's none of my business now, since i broke up with him, but i couldn't help but to worry about brett for the rest of the night. i care about him so much. i hope he's fine.

so i'm on the verge on a nervous breakdown and my social life etc are starting to suffer from it, but i'm just going to try and ride this one out for as long as i can and either it'll pass before christmas or if it doesn't i'll be going back home to sweden over christmas hols and if that doesn't give my fucked up head and chest the space i think they need, then i don't know what it'll take...

i'm at a couple of friends' place right now, crashed here last night after the party and early morning coffee with another friend, we were going to go swimming in the pool but then realized that it was three o'clock and the pool closes at midnight, so we postponed it til this afternoon.