Bitterness & "Boygame" casting

Started planning our first casting for "Boygame" whilst working non-stop. I'm quite fed up with this, the other day was a nightmare and that was the last straw on some level for me, in the back of my mind I'm already set on quitting. I've requested a change of store from the agency, they'll get in touch with me on Monday. I'm going to tell them it's killing my back not to be able to rotate between the register and the store (which is true) but leave out the part about the customers, because customers are the same anywhere so as long as I'm temping in a customer service oriented job, I have to keep that to myself. But I'm really too empathetic and sensitive to handle that type of job. As soon as someone is the slightest bit rude or grumpy or upset, it gets to me. Even though, logically, I know it's not personal or whatever, I just want to leave everything or burst into tears or something, plus it takes me at least half an hour to shake it off. I literally don't have a single moment's spare time this week, let alone an hour or two to edit my short film. I don't when I'll be able to finish it, at this rate I won't have it done by September even, it'll be way into winter before I can even have a sound technician look at it! Diet's still on. Not really much of a change, though. Maybe I really have to start working out in order to get thinner.. Like I'll have time and energy to do that.. Wow, I'm in a bitter mood! Sorry, didn't mean to spread any negativity.

Work, work, work

Today was supposed to be spent editing "Varma Mackor" but while at work (the paying one) yesterday they wheedled me into working today as well, something I deeply regret at the moment. I'm on the train, half-way there, it's six o'clock and I feel undead, and not in a romantic way. I had to get up at 4:20 this morning, about half an hour at least before the sun dragged its lazy behind over the sky line, feeling less than chipper since I got home from a late production meeting at midnight after having worked all day and thus got about four hours of sleep at the most, all in all not entirely unusual, except I'm not filming. It's a regular bread job. Not okay, really not. And I work tomorrow too. Tell you what, though.. I'm not accepting any more hours in august. I don't have the time or the energy, and I certainly don't need to, I have more than enough for september's rent and bills now.. I'm really stressed out about my projects right now. Well, "Varma Mackor" mostly since all the new projects are already taking up what little time and energy spared by the stupid bread job, and I don't see how I'll be able to finish editing it and find a sound technician if this goes on.. Also my producer has been MIA since the shoot, which worries and frustrates me as well. At least I know where to start once I find the time to sit down in the editing room again, thanks to Anja's feedback.

Talk of things unreal and real.

Spent the day with Anja at Filmbasen. She watched the rough cut of "Varma Mackor" and gave me feedback, we talked about everything as always, including future plans. Briefly, we touched on the the idea of starting a production company together, but she had to go to work and we didn't really have time to get into it, just threw it out there as a possibility. 

I've been listening to Bonnie Tyler and Kim Carnes. Weird, I know. 

Today was also the official first day of my idiotic diet, that I've decided on, for losing a whole bunch of weight, that I probably can't spare, for the role in Tove's film. Anja got pretty upset with me when I told her, but eventually backed down (probably for strategic reasons since she, herself, dropped a diet bomb on me when she told me she's going to start eating fish again, and realised that she couldn't expect me not to get upset with that if she was upset with mine) 

Other than that I feel (generally anxious and) like time's slipping out of reach. I don't know when I'll be able to finish "Varma Mackor". The paying type of work is getting in the way and is not only time-consuming but steals my energy and inspiration as well. I started working on the second draft of the screenplay for my next film this morning before it was time for me to go meet up with Anja, but I can't really focus, and I have all this other shit muddling my mind right now, all my own fault of course, since it's all, entirely, one big figment of my imagination. Told Anja about that, too. Knew I could, because I knew she'd get it, and she did. What's so frustrating, though, is that no matter how unreal the situation is, and no matter how perfectly aware of that I am, the feelings generated from it are completely real, because there's no such thing as imagined feelings, feelings aren't either real or unreal, they are what they are, they're as real as they can ever be while you have them and when they go away they're not there anymore, it's basic, crude, nerve reactions or whatever, like electrical sparks in the brain or something, no more, no less, but has more of an impact on you than any other thing, it's fascinating really, when you think about it. Terms like "real" becomes insufficient when you're talking about feelings, and I think that's why I like paying attention to them more than logic and reason most of the time, because I've always felt "real", as a concept to relate to, was rather muddled and confusing, so I get feelings, because they're not this rigid thing, they're just exactly what they happen to be at any given moment, and that I can relate to. 

Anyway. That's a tangent.

I'm going to give writing another go now. Back to earning money tomorrow, so I should make the most of tonight on the creativity front.  

Well, then... I was expecting "Narcissistic", but this...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

ångest

Jag tänker på de gröna skyltarna

creative hiatus and mild insanity

I have plenty of things to do that are put on hold right now because I'm stuck working my "day job" all weekend. Which, as i'm sure you can imagine, is extremely frustrating. Also, I do not feel up to being politely cheery right now, especially when 90% of the customers don't have the decency to return the favour and I'm congested and feverish and my head hurts.. And on the personal front, I've created a situation that will not lead to anything good. So far it's only in "my own little world" and a distraction at worst, but these things have a tendency to leak into reality and I can't afford to let this do.. I can't go into detail, obviously, so I know this makes no sense whatsoever to anyone (except maybe Ana or Cesar, if you're reading this) but it doesn't matter. I'm just as fogged as usual, that's all anyone needs to know.

2 per cent anxious.

Just realised I've been anxious for the past couple of hours, and since I haven't really got a valid, concrete reason for anxiety, I've been creating fleeting ones continuously since last night... like obsessing over a stupid thing I said two days ago, worrying about the way someone looked at me yesterday, things like that. For once, I've actually had a good time and felt good about things, including myself, for longer than a week even, and now what, I'm fabricating anxiety when there's none around to haunt me? Is that how it's going to be from now on? I hate my mind sometimes.

Hang-man

The wedding was awesome.

I'll post some pictures later, because words cannot describe how amazing Tove and Anna looked in their costumes. I even had a great time, which had a lot to do, I think, with the consideration they'd put into where to seat me, considering I was the one person at the wedding who didn't know anyone else. They seated me with the crazy group of friends in the middle (The group which produced two awesome girls who, when it became time to walk up front and give a speech or read a poem or something, sang karaoke to "A whole new world" instead. The group that, when everyone else sat horrified and in shock as said girls proceeded to sing, very off-key, instead sat laughing and clapping and then demanded "One more time!")

I got an email from Josefine, producer on "Århundradets brott", half-way through the evening saying that I was needed the next day after all. So any crazy notion I might have entertained about staying up all night dancing quickly became moot and I really had to catch the last bus into town. Even then it was about one o'clock when I finally got home. I had to get up again at five.

The next day was spent in a kind of blur. I felt feverish and dizzy for most of it. But I did get to ride on the moped, though. Fanny, the actress who plays the main character, gave me a ride to the train tracks where we were shooting the first scene of the day. It was scary as hell at first, but once I realised I wouldn't actually fall off, it was awesome.

Yesterday it seemed I had a lot to make up for, because my energy was all over the place, and of course I couldn't be there for the last half of the day, because there wasn't room in the little electrical car thingy for me, so I had to stay behind at HQ with a couple of the others who were made redundant for those particular scenes. I quickly became spastic with pent-up energy. Even with the FAD's little dog to play with.

So I made Filip (C-foto) play hang-man with me (I won), and when Charlie (actor who plays the male lead) wrapped his portion of the scenes, he joined in as well (he cheated), but it didn't last long before the game was put aside and we started geeking out about movies and actors instead, which we continued to do all the way to the station and the entire train ride until the two of them got off, much to the dismay of Lina, who tagged along to the train, and who normally works for the Stockholm Film Festival and is therefore generally fed up with movie talk..

Got to sleep in this morning. My head feels sort of cloudy, I think I might have slept too long. But I need to get ready now. Second to last day of shooting this short film. Then it's back to juggling reality with my own projects. Yay.

swedish wedding

Shooting has been great, although the sleep deprivation was starting to get to everyone I think. Today (which we all have off) was much needed. I slept in, then enjoyed my coffee for a looong time before I started getting ready for the wedding. I don't know how successful I've been in my attempt to look like a dame from the 20s, but considering what I've got to work with (both in terms of funds and myself with my too short, red-dyed hair and various visible tattoos) I did the best I could, really! (although, when I was finished, it struck me how little -- no -- difference there was from the way I usually dress up for special occasions and parties..) This poor guy spotted me in the way to the tube and proceeded to strike up a conversation with me, and I was polite and nice, but also ruthlessly honest when answering his repeated questions about my sexual orientation, marital status and future plans of changing said status (and orientation) but somehow, the nice thing threw him off and gave him mixed signals anyway, because he seemed convinced that he'd be able to get me to reconsider my answers, life philosophy and my decision not to accept his number, given enough time. Poor guy didn't of course. I think, amongst all of us in that compartment, he was the only one surprised by this. He even attempted to hug me goodbye when I went to get off the tube. I shook his hand. I felt bad for the guy, though. He seemed really nice. Can't be easy to live with such a strong urge to get married to good woman and have kids and stuff. Me, I fortunately don't have to deal with that kind of pressure, so really I can't possibly understand what it's like. I learnt a bit about Tunisian culture when it comes to marriage. Apparently the wedding goes on for seven days, they swim during daytime then there are these huge parties all night, every night. Not for the bride, though. She gets to stay at home. At least for four days, then on the fifth she moves from her patents place to her new home (the husbands place) and for the remaining three nights, she still gets to stay in, but she'll have her husband with her, so it's okay.. The guy agreed that this was unfair, though. So hopefully with future generations, this tradition might get updated? Let's hope so, for the sake of tunisian women, since nit getting married isn't an option.