what am I doing here?

Following yesterday's cryptic little anecdote-thingy, I've suffered through yet another whirlwind of mind and come out on the other side somewhat refreshed and quite determined.

I am reshaping my future prospects. I lost sight for a while, but now I'm back on track. The upcoming week I'm going to devote all of my energy and focus to getting my headshots printed and paid for, new packages compiled and dropped in agencies with the objective of securing representation so that I can get out there and start auditioning for real. I need to book some gigs and flesh out my resume. I need to decide whether I want to extend my work permit for another year come spring time and be tied to one "proper" full-time employment and unable to act for a year, or whether I should move on to the UK (because I'm not going back to Sweden yet for a while)

Any thoughts from the outside that would like to filter in are much welcomed since I tend to get snowed in with my own thoughts in my head otherwise. I already talked to my best friend Ana about it briefly on the phone this morning, but we need to sit down face to face with tea and coffee respectively and discuss it in depth I think (she's one of the main components in favour of a life continued here in Vancouver as opposed to going back to Europe, after all... her and my other best friend, but he's not in town to be talked to about it at the moment, so...)

The third party that will have to be consulted is my room mate Tony, of course. But he's already proposed to me, so I already know he's thoughts on the matter.

I think I just need to get some perspective. Plus room to breathe for a while so that's I don't succumb to another depressively cynical and hopeless vicious circle; I need to open my windows, so to speak.

cross road.

This week's weather has somewhat mirrored my state of mind. Normally I love the rain and the dark and I didn't work one single night yet this week, but for some reason I burrowed myself down into a depressive blanket and struggled to breathe all week.

I can feel the future at my fingertips.

It's all up to me now.

just a thought

It's twenty to one in the morning and I just got home from work with a large bailey with coffee in my hand and twenty-five dollar in tip money in my bra, I mean pocket, and now I'm here. It's quiet. Still. I was just thinking... what am I doing here, really. I know I'm trying to work my way, baby-stepping along the path to my dreams and so on, but this fear gripped me tonight and I guess I just don't want to come to one of these days and realize that I've been wasting away whilst waiting for my life to begin...

A day for ducks.

I went for a walk in the pouring rain. Went by Rob Daly's photo studio to drop of the check for yesterday's session, which went extremely well, by the way. He had a slight fascination with how my eyes "popped out" (don't worry, he was referring to the eye colour, not literally the eyes themselves.) in the light from the sky and therefore subjected me to the gruesome torture of nearly facing the sun for half of the shoot and I happen to be quite light sensitive and it was killing me. But it was worth it. I had a wicked time with him, he's quite something, such a difference from my first headshots session and I truly hope that'll show in the pictures as well... I get the prints on Friday. I can't wait.

I'm back in the flat now, killing some time before I have to go to work, I was going to do some writing or possibly paint something, but right now I'm enjoying my third cup of coffee for the day. It's the good stuff. The expensive, organic, fair trade, grown in the shade, peruvian coffee beans that I treated myself to last time Tony and I went grocery shopping. Such a difference from the cheap crap we always buy in the large tin jars.

There's a sort of melancholy in the air today. I couldn't be happier, considering I'll be getting new, hopefully beautiful headshots by the end of the week, and it's raining which is always beautiful, and the light filtered from the blanket of clouds is making people glow even though they've turned into themselves and their thoughts. Just walking down the street felt magical. But I feel kind of mellow at the same time. Not quite disconnected but rather pensive, aloof perhaps, tasting the calm before the storm maybe, hoping for a hurricane but not brave enough to ask for one, that kind of thing. If anyone knows what I mean by that...

Well, I should get to it.

headshots

I just talked to Rob Daly on the phone. He said he had an opening tomorrow afternoon! I'd expected him to say sometime next week or the week after that at best, but he can take my headshots tomorrow!

tedious everyday life.

I stayed up to about five o'clock this morning. And was woken up by my boss calling me on my mobile. He said he called the new girl that I'm supposed to train as a barista and told her that she didn't have to come in tonight. And that I could be both server and barista. And then come in and train her on my nights off. I really need to find another job.

I also called around to the agencies where I dropped packages two weeks ago and tried to weasel some feedback out of them. One didn't answer. One had no idea about anything. One said he'd call me back in half an hour.

I need to get new headshots done. I'm going to give Rob Daly a call and set up an appointment for a session as soon as he has an opening.

On a more personal note, I've fallen in love... I'm head over heels in love with this cynical, chain-smoking, wine-drinking, irish comedian... yes. It's Dylan Moran.

Okay. Seriously. Serious matter. Here goes...

I can never fall in love with a real person. It's always someone I can observe from afar. Someone who doesn't get to close to me. But I'd like to change that some day. I'd like to be able to connect. Closely. Be absorbed by another living, breathing, pulsating, smiling, being. Someone who is not a chain-smoking, cynical, wine-drinking Irish comedian whom I've never met in real life, or the triple agent of a teve show, or the feline villain in a comic book, or even a beautiful person of flesh and blood whom I've only encountered on the internet. The closest thing i have right now is an unattainable attraction toward a real life acquaintance. Off limits. Well, go figure the hormons a.k.a. feelings are flowing then... whenever the person get too close i run away, emotionally, and shut myself in my little rib-caged cupboard and yell at them from the other side of the door, go away, i made a mistake, i do apologize, but kindly fuck off now. You know?

I want to be one with another human being without all of that. I want to touch that person and allow them, want them, need them to touch me, and it doesn't have to be sexual, it doesn't have to be all that, just purely, simply, affecting one another. Okay. I want to build a bridge. How's that?

I love you SO MUCH, I want to rip the spine out of your back so that I can move in...

I'm still beating my way through the jungle of Vancouver acting agencies seeking representation, well, I've dropped five packages and I'm still waiting by the phone that doesn't ever ring, basically. I'm intending to get new headshots taken soon and then I will proceed my hunt in the very heart of darkness that is show biz and hopefully, if I'm lucky, I'll land an audition for a one-liner in a commercial, but then I shouldn't set my goals too high, I wouldn't want to be disappointed.

Okay. So that was the cynicism indulgence of my day. Now I'm off to smile for seven hours straight at the generous compensation that is minimum wage. Yes, that's correct. I'm still serving what little on our menues we actually have to the posh population of Kits who have come to complain about dreadful standards of Death by Chocolate. But I'm not yet dead. I think that's a bright-ish side of things.

I had three days off in the beginning of this week, however, and I was in heaven. Or at least a very comfy place. I lit a candle, opened a bottle of red and wrote the second draft of my swedish novel which has been lying useless on my USB drive for almost a year and a half now. I was very pleased with myself.

I have also discovered Dylan Moran's comedic genius. (The title of this entry is actually one of his many, many brilliant quotes.) And life is good.