I'm alive.

Back in one piece from Stockholm, just a bit exhausted after being on social overdrive for two whole days. I told my brother on Thursday night that after this I'm entitled to at least a week's hibernation.. to which he laughed and said, nonsense, now you have to keep going like this. I take it he approves of this new and active me that gets stuff done and moves out of the confines of her living space and has pro-active interactions with other human beings.. which is fine, I can see the benefits of this, but it's just so tiring.



A recap of the weekend follows, if you're not interested you need not venture further...


I obviously didn't sleep the night before. I tried, mind you, but no such luck. I was too nervous. And those of you who know me and have seen me fret and panic over having to take one bus and meet with one person can only imagine because this weekend I lost count of the number of transportations I had to take and I had first the director guy to meet, then the four members of the jury at the dramatic institute, and then the woman who is renting out a room in her house and her spouse, and then the cute guy who is editing the director guy's previous film. So basically one encounter after another and barely a single moment to regroup in-between because the director went with me to the dramatic institute and waited for me while I was being interviewed so that we could keep talking on the way back afterwards, then I went to my brother's place and there were little human beings all around me, well there's two of them but kids have this ability to seem everywhere at once which makes it feel like they're more than they are... and then off to view the room and then back to my brother's place to crash and then barely time for breakfast (coffee) before meeting with the director guy again early next morning...

Okay I'm done venting. I'm sure none of that made sense to anyone...

This is what I wrote in the train to Stockholm:

What is my obsession with disappearing? I never felt like I really belonged anywhere, to any particular place, even these past couple of years when I found people I felt I belonged with and a lifestyle that made somewhat sense and felt like home, and made me want to stick around for a while even, still the place itself did nothing but repel me… and still, wherever I go, I feel like I’m stepping on sticky floors. It’s always an effort to keep moving forward, even though it’s the only alternative.

First things first. Meeting this director guy who could be a serial killer for all I knew... I met him. He bought me coffee. Odd bloke, but most probably not psychotic, merely bohemian... so that was all good. Then he gave me the script (what I and every film-interested person I know would have called an outline, obviously written by someone with no grasp of the swedish language and full of errors of the spelling and grammatical variety... but then again he was from Egypt so I let that slide...) to read while he went across the street to do something.. I read the monstrosity. And then spent five minutes thinking of ways to get out of this whole thing. Then five minutes telling myself I need both the work and the experience. Then five minutes asking myself if I was actually prepared to commit artistic prostitution so early on in my career? and then five minutes answering, yes, but... and then I started making changes in the script.

I know.

I couldn't help myself!

Anyways, when the guy came back I chose my words carefully (having learnt from the best, but mentioning no names... Ana.) and started suggesting away. At first he seemed less than pleased and started squirming. Then, once he put his ego and pride aside and actually started listening to me, he realized that I was actually suggesting ways to improve the story, not my own role in it, and then he became very interested...

And then I was made co-writer of the blasted thing.

Now this is good news, I realize that. But I find it hard enough to co-write with someone who is on the same page as I, but this guy is on the completely opposite end of the scale, we're talkign culture differences, gender differences, political differences, the whole spectrum. His objective with making this (sexistic, stereotype packed, soft core porno) film is to show how the culture in Europe, especially liberal countires like Sweden, have killed men's masculinity and maniless (his words, not my interpretention of them, I swear! -- my interpretation would be, things are to equal between the sexes in Europe, women don't know they place and men don't know how to control them and treat them the way they need to be treated... although he's actually used those words too, the only thing he didn't say was the word "equal", I'm thinking it's not part of his vocabulary...) I didn't say anything until he mentioned homosexuality and adoption, I swiftly let him no that I was of another opinion but there was no need for us to dicuss these things, we just needed to focus on the story and the film. He swiftly agreed. That was the end of that.

The interview at the Dramatic institute went alright... I think... Honestly, I don't know. They seemed kind of stunned all four of them. Like I was this disturbing puzzle they couldn't wrap their minds around. They hadn't got that the characters in my film were dead and woke up in the afterlife. When I told him the story in Tequila Rose their eyes grew two sizes and finally one guy asked, Exactly how many people die in your story? and a woman asked, Are we, the audience, supposed to sympatize with these characters or what is your intention? and then It's not a realistic, Swedish film is it?

Anyways, forty people were called to the interview, twelve will get into the program and I'll know if I'm one of them within a week.

The room was really cozy. The house was old and nice. The woman was not so old but nice as well. I said I liked it and I want to move in. She said feel free. So I'm moving on the first of July. She said not to worry about the rent before that, we'll take care of it once I'm settled in.

I'm just knackered right now. I don't know what to think about all of this. I'll get back to you in a week and let you know what my future looks like.

On the brink of something extreme, don't know what yet

So, tomorrow is the day. I just spoke to the film guy again on the phone and to be honest I don't have a very good feeling about this, but I'm in a desperate situation and it calls for a leap.. and then there's the interview at the dramatic institute, so that's a good thing (I'm awfully nervous!)

And today my Vancouver pals are shooting their short! I'm ever so excited about that as well, I just wish I could be there with them, but ah well. Another time! Trust me, though, I think it's going to be brilliant, because the script is great and they're a talented and creative lot, so I'm sure it's going to be something really special (unless they kill each other in the process!)

Heading into town for a coffee right now. Well, in a bit.

paintings

PS

Mike made an acid clockwerk piece out of two of my self-portraits I took the other day! Check it out.

I'm back!

I went into the job office and got them to order my train tickets (and pay for them) for when I go to Stockholm. Meeting with that film guy does count as a job interview after all... I didn't tell them about the interview at the school though, or the looking at a room for rent, but it's not like I out-right lied to them, technically...

I was up all night painting as well, so perhaps (hopefully) I'm coming out of my energy and creativity hibernation. About time. Spring came and went and I've hardly done a damn thing. Well, apart from taking some pictures and making a couple of crappy quality shorts. It's just not the same. Because I know what it feels like when I give something my all as opposed to merely functioning on auto-pilot and that's what I've been doing ever since I got back to Sweden to be honest...

Early this morning before I went to bed I came together with my inspiration again and accessed that higher level of whatever, energy, I suppose, you know the state I mean when you're not thinking, and you're 100% there and alive and your skin tingles and you feel slightly feverish, your cheeks are kind of hot and you're kind of dizzy and it's like an out-of-body experience at the same time as you feel more in your skin than you usually are and it's like falling and soaring all at once? yeah, you know what I mean... anyways, I had that last night/this morning, and it only lasted for about a quarter of an hour, but it was a wake-up call (yet again) and that's how I want to live my life, (almost) every moment of it. Not quarter of an hour every six months, all the time! Most of the time I'm not even here. You can see me and touch me and talk to me but I'm not really here at all. I'm somewhere else. Hiding somewhere. Dreaming. Drifting. You know.. well, I've had enough of it, I want to be here, where my feet are, and I want to do stuff, stuff that matter, you know?

filming with a mobile phone

I engaged my brother Simon and to some extent my dad in the making of that three minute mobile phone film for the dramatic institute, I made some blood and we made a mess of the kitchen and it was awesome, but in the end the film was terrible and I decided not to go with it and tried a different approach... and I had another, simpler idea, that I persuaded my brother to go along with (on the condition that I don't put it up on youtube or facebook... -- it involves makeup...) and we shot it while the parents were out and it turned out great! I shot the whole thing against the light from various windows, and in the end, as he's in the bathroom putting on makeup, I filmed his reflection and ours is a bathroom mirror that's also a cupboard so there's an edge in the middle of it, and I positioned myself so that it ran straight down the middle of Simon's face (for the most part) -- I hope the people at the film school will get the symbolism in those things, because I put a lot of thought into it and quite felt like I was following in the footsteps of Bergman or something! well... maybe not... but I thought it was rather clever at least, plus I timed it perfectly, so Simon walks out of the house and the door closes behind him, right in fornt of me, at the end and that 2 minutes and 54 seconds! Cool, right?

AAAAAHHHHH!

I got a letter from the Dramatic Institute in Stockholm. I've been called to an interview (step 2 in the admissions process)! And, spooky enough, my interview has been scheduled to coincide with the meeting with the film guy and the viewing of the room I want to rent, like all three are meant to be, you know? Well, keep your fingers crossed for me, guys!

Theo 1 Year

Tjockis (my cat) and I are sitting here, getting caught up with the email-checking. I just got back from Stockholm, went with my parents to my brother's place just for a few hours to celebrate Theo's first birthday.

He was cool as a cucumber and charming as always, but the older kids got a bit wired.. I don't think he got to hang on to a single present, the others were too busy fighting over them and running around and screaming and stuff.. but he was happy to just play with a couple of balloons that were hanging on the railing to the staircase. He didn't pay much attention to us when we sang to him and his sister blew out the candle on the cake, but once the stuff was in his bowl and he got to taste it, I think his eyes grew two sizes and his smile three! :)

My little brother and the parents are downstairs watching a football game right now, which I find to be the most boring thing one could possibly do, so Tjockis and I are hiding away upstairs, and in a minute I'm going to start on dinner.. just thought I'd share one thing before I end this, and that is, I got this phone call the other day.. This guy, Yassir Mustafa, is making a movie and apparantly he found my name and number on the job office's website, and he requested to see a picture of me, so I emailed him a couple and then he phoned back and said "You've got the role" (apparantly I have a romantic-looking face...) so I don't know what will come of that, but I agreed to meet him and read the script.. I'm going down to Stockholm anyway to look at a room, so I thought I might bludgeon two pigeons to death with the same blunt object and meet up with him. I'll keep you posted (that is, if he doesn't kidnap and/or murder me before I have a chance to...)

Language and spring weather

It just doesn't seem right, having a cold when it's such a lovely spring weather outside, it's just not right, damn it all to hell. Not that sunlight, empty skies, squeaking birdsies and fluttering cherry blossoms in my book add up to the definition of "lovely weather", but in a broader, more statistical way of viewing the topic, I would say that "lovely weather" within the norm, would be what is currently displayed outside at this moment. And the point I was, not quite making, despite great effort, was that I have a cold.

A mind-numbing, chill-throwing, age-reducing, puppy-whining, pitiful-whimpering, good-for-nothing-making cold... so go on, feel sorry for me.

On another note. I went to Bollnäs Folk High School with my mum yesterday for an all-day seminar on genus perspective and equality. The lecturers focused mainly on equality between the sexes, but I think mostly to narrow it down, it was fairly understood that the opinions expressed also covered that of ethnicity, sexual orientation, age and wealth. In other words, the equality part was directed at ALL human beings (and for some, ALL LIVING BEINGS) but the discussions were with focus on genus and gender. It was alright. I thought they were all being a bit timid, and mum didn't get her say because the woman arranging the whole thing has some grudge with her or something, and my head was killing me. But I guess it was good to get out of the house and that these seminars are being held. One woman said something that made sense (to me and most people in the room) but that made me think of my friends overseas and how it most probably wouldn't make sense to them at all and I realized it's no wonder you guys thought I was crazy when we were discussing wether or not it's okay to spank children when you're disciplining them, because I'm from a whole other world than you are.. this woman said as long as you use a dominant way of talking to your children and using threats such as "If you don't do this right now you won't get to do this later..." etc, children will learn to undermine themselves and as they grow up, girls will likely hold onto that and boys will take over the domineering, thus creating the gender roles in society (she said it better and it makes more sense in context) and I thought, I'm used to discussing wether it's okay to "physically discipline" children and here that's not even an option, it's not even imaginable, it's illegal and not even worth mentioning, here we're talking about how we address our children and what words we choose when we talk to them.. I just thought it was interesting.

aunt ida

I'm in my brother's place right now, in Gröndal, Stockholm. I baby-sat for my nephew Theo yesterday, the youngest one, because Annelie had an important meeting so Fredrik had to be with Milou (they're moving her to another daycare that's closer, so she's being integrated or whatever it's called, right now, which means a parent is with her the first week until she gets used to the new surroundings and the kids and the teachers) it was fine, I guess, seeing as we both lived to see today and we both have all our limbs left.. but I'm quite out of practise. But then again, he'd been running a fever all night before and he's getting a new tooth, so it wasn't one of his best days, so he was tired and cranky on and off all morning and didn't want to eat and stuff like that.. but we played with lego and watched TV and went for two walks and all in all I think we did pretty good.. I made a few embarassing blunders though, two at once in fact. When he was napping, which he does in his pram out on the balcony, I sat out there too and had a cup of coffee and worked a bit.. and then when he woke up he did so bawling so I just dropped everything and took him inside.. well, about an hour later, I realized I left my papers outside, and by this time it'd got windy out, so of course my papers were all over the balcony and the ground below.. and of course I could just put him down, plus he was crying again, so I tried to balance him on my hip as I gathered up the papers from the balcony floor and as I was doing so, a breeze shut the door. Which is fine cause it doesn't close all the way - only the latch dropped down, so I still couldn't open the door again, and the gap was too small to reach in with a finger and manage to get to the latch... so basically, we were locked out of the apartment. And at least four pages of my novel with notes and such on were fluttering around on the courtyard below.

I sat down and put Theo in my lap and the two of us started laughing, and I figured Fredrik and Milou should be back soon enough and let us in... but then a cold breeze struck us and Theo started crying again, so I realized it was ridiculous to just sit there with the poor thing when he was fighting a fever as it was. So I put him in the pram and tried to get the latch off using my pen instead and it worked and we got inside. But I felt really stupid about the whole thing..

I was supposed to go and view a room available for rent today, but for several reasons I called and cancelled. My brother knew the area the house is located in and said it's really far from City, and it's in fact a suburb outside of Stockholm, which would be fine, if a bit inconvenient if I have to take one bus and one train to get to school, but also I started getting a weird feeling about going out there with the guy all by myself, apparantly it's a half hour commute, and Fredrik said he wasn't going to take the time to go with me, so I decided to cancel. I've been in contact with this woman as well and today I spoke to her on the phone for the first time and she seems really nice, she's got as room available from July, the rent is the same and it's fairly close to the school in case I should get into that after all, and the fact that she's female makes me feel a bit better too even though I know it's sexist of me to think that way..

1st of May

So the police called my mum and a early last night. My little brother and his friends had been caught with the alcohol and been forced to pour it out. And apparently it wasn't just beer but heavier stuff as well. I think the police catching them was the best thing that could have happened. Hopefully my brother learned some kind of lesson... his friend's dad certainly didn't. As we were driving home from town (they came and picked me up from my friends' place as my mum got the cal on her mobile) they actually saw him and the wife in a pizza joint and pulled over to go and talk to them. Mum told him that she didn't tell the police that she knew where they got the booze but if it happened again she would. He didn't like that too much. He got a bit flustered and said he only bought the six pack of beer for his son and never meant for him to share and he didn't see why my brother would get a mark in his record and stuff. It was obvious to me that he was lying about the hard liquor, but at least, hopefully he won't offer my brother any to try any time soon (or my mum will report him to the police - which would be pretty cool, I have to admit!)

My brother phoned home this morning (he spent the night at his friend's place as well) and it's clear that the guy has been talking about mum, and not in a good way, because he was muttering about her getting involved and being hysterical.. but he can mutter all he wants as far as I'm concerned. He's fourteen, so it's illegal, end of story. And if he's going to try and test limits and get drunk, 1. he can wait a couple of more years, being athletic it would be stupid of him to throw his only interest (sports) away so soon, which he will if he gets in with that gang (it's always the same, every new generation in this village, there's always a group that starts drinking and smoking and destroying property and that stuff and it never ends well. I hate to see that happen with my baby brother..) and 2. he can get creative and get his hands on his own booze and not have some poor excuse of a responsible father figure adult buy out for him and the guys. That's just low and if he wants to buy booze for his own kid as illegal and stupid as it is, that's his thing, but he has no right to go making those calls for other people's children. Especially since both my parents are teetotalers because my dad's entire family are alcoholics and he's a sober one, not a good idea to start drinking until you're old enough to understand your own limits and until your body and brain have finished developing.

So, that's a cliff-hanger of the soap opera that is small town life, which I will keep you posted on.

I was supposed to hang out with friends down by the seaside today, barbeque, play this silly outdoor game involving sticks called "kubb", drink and be merry. And, the sun is shining, the others are waiting for me to show up, and I don't feel well at all... so I don't think I'll end up going. I'm going to force down some tea and see if I feel better (doubt it) and then I might go later on, but right now I don't feel well at all. Which sucks, because I was actually looking forward to this one. Because it's something different that we don't (well they might, but not when I've been around) usually do, usually we hole up in someone's apartment and drink and smoke and listen to music, but now we're doing the whole swedish summer thing and it sounded really nice and cozy.. ah well, the summer is long, I'm sure there will be other opportunities..

No demonstration today. Not even my parents, which I think has never happened in my entire life before, it being the 1st of May and all, I guess my mum's really fed up with the old owls in town and really want to get out of politics.. Seems like everything is changing. I guess that's a good thing!