creative hours

Started on a new painting last evening, so I've been up all night working on that, and then I resumed the task this afternoon. I'm working with oil paint, even though I dislike it, and the thing with that is that it takes forever to dry, which also affects the painting process because you have to make these really long pauses every now and then to let it dry a bit before you can apply more layers of paint. Not really to my taste, as you can understand, seeing as I'm really impatient and like to be at it for hours/days at a time when inspiration strikes me. Which is quite impossible with this one. I'd really prefer to keep working with acrylic, but I've run out of all the best colours (especially black and white) and I can't afford to stock up on paint at the moment. Guess I'll just have to make due with what I've got for the time being.

This is what it looks like so far:

I also started a new book. It's Lisbet Holst's swedish translation of Alice Sebold's "The Lovely Bones". I've only read three chapters so far, but it's really good as far as I can tell. And I tend to be very fussy when it comes to starting a new book - if it hasn't caught my attention so to speak after the first few pages, I'm likely to put it aside. But this one seems really good, so I'm pretty sure I'll finish it quite quickly. Other than that, I'm still reading Lestat's story, the new translation of Lord of the rings, Anne Brontë's novel, The amulet of Samarkand, and a self-healing guidance-thing.

I watched "The machinist" again last night. With my family this time. They all liked it a lot as well. Especially mum, to my great surprise, not that I didn't think she'd like it, but I was stone certain it was a movie more to dad's taste if you know what I mean. Mum didn't like Fight Club for instance. But I think she enjoyed the movie even more than dad did. Well, I guess it's good, considering it was she who bought it...

I took some really nice photos this morning as well, at dawn, before I went to bed and tried to fall asleep. Here's some of them:

2005-07-24 Midnight

The softening black of the summernight sky stretches out like an endless vault above the little neighbourhood, arching over the tiny houses with their mildly organized flowerbeds and haphazardly mowed lawns, like a dark blanket of false comfort. Tiny stars flicker into view occasionally in the gaps between burly grey clouds. The hidden, yellowy glowing orb shines partly through, above an artificial imitation, known as a streetlamp, around which several moths have gathered in quiet worship.

She inhales another puff of smoke slowly, her lips hugging the cigarette butt in regret and she savours the bitter taste even though she's come to hate it lately. Its rough disgusting tint curls down her throat and settles like a tumor-shaped lump in her ribcage, whilst its soul curls out into the night to join the clouds together with her breaths. She rarely finishes a whole cigarette nowadays, which is an improvement from her usual chain-smoking to be sure, and yet she can't seem to bring herself to quit entirely. As if she is desperate to hold onto anything that will ensure any sort of comfort by the secure feeling of familiarity. But she isn't really. She's just too stubborn to give it up.

There is a flutter of wings above her, but she doesn't look up to see whether it was caused by a newly awoken bat soaring past, or a sneaking angel. Instead she puts the cigarette out and cast a final glance up at the sky, which have extended its arms in welcome, awaiting the fast approaching twiligt. Her gaze flicker across it breifly, and she thinks;

"Not tonight..."

Finished reading Harry Potter & the Halfblood Prince (Possible spoilers...)

[long silence]



[blank stare]



yeah...



[pause]



So I'v... I've read it now...





[another pause]




My mother got it for me and I read all night. At half past six in morning I decided I would be able to concentrate on what I was reading a bit better if I got some sleep, and I resumed immediatly when I woke up a few hours later. Then due to my mothers motherly qualities I had to pause in favour of consuming what is known as food. And then there was a lot of noise everywhere and I got really testy and snarled rather loudly for everyone to keep bloody QUIET because we were finally getting somewhere excitement- and plotwise. Then the mean people told me to go down to my own room if I wanted to read in peace and quiet. So I did. And then....



[makes another dramatic pause]




AND THEN IT HAPPENED!! Oh My Goddess, I can't believe it!! I am SPEECHLES, quite at a loss for words, i.e. SHOCKED! I was in a state of shock for most part of the next night.. and morning... and then I cried forever, didn't I.... then re-read the chapter in particular to try and find a loophole, and when I didn't I cried some more...I just can't believe it! How could he do that? Poor Draco... I mean, it's not like I'm going to pretend that I ever loved the old goat very most now that he's dead, I thought he could be very annoying at times when he favoured the Gryffindors, especially Harry Potter, and but he'd started to grow on me actually, and at times I can admit I even thought him funny... but these things hardly matter, because no matter how much I disliked the man, I never wanted to see him bloody DEAD. And least of all under the circumstances of it all!! 1st, how is Harry bloody Potter going to manage the task which lies ahead without his help? (Oh yes, I know, him and the rest of the Golden Trio will manage it, I'm sure... but still), the fate of the entire wizarding world depends on him! 2ond, he was obviously Draco's only chance at escaping the claws of the Death Eaters and coming over to the good side, which I think we've seen quite clearly now, is what he actually really wanted (well, he didn't want to be a murderer, and he didn't want to be a Death Eater... so basically he wanted to be on the good side) and 3rd, well I've got one word for you.... SEVERUS-BLOODY-SNAPE! MY Severus! My hero, my favorite teacher, the object of my admiration and MY HOPE! I always believed in him! I thought he was the one who would help Potter the final step of the way and-- I can't believe that he's evil! I won't! There's got to be more to it, Sev can't be evil, he can't!!

I mean, it's the first time I've ever met anyone like him!
He's witty, sarcastic, mildly evil--just enough--and dark, clad in black robes, have black greasy hair... he's like your stereotypcal Bad Guy -- and he turned out to be one of the Good Guys! That's what makes me love the character so much! Because he (along with Umbridge to some extent, death eater-wise, although I don't like her anyway for obvious reasons) shows that you don't have to be goody-goody and lovable to be on the right side! Don't judge a book by its cover and all that! But NOW!

Well that old motto's right out of the window by now isn't it!?

Now... there's got to be more to it...
Him and Dumbledore. They'd decided this together beforehand. Or they were communicating silently at the time and decided it then. Or he acted without Dumbledore's consent because he was desperate to save Draco. He didn't really kill Dumbledore. But I think Dumbeldore is actually really dead, so then he must have.... but... ARGH! I don't know! WHERE THE BLOODY HELL IS BOOK SEVEN! I WANT IT NOW! GIVE IT TO ME!!!!!!!



[passing out of lack of oxygen]

READING HARRY POTTER AND THE HALFBLOOD PRINCE

Bad day

I fell asleep sometime this morning and woke up at two in the afternoon. Didn't feel altogether that good, in fact I felt awful. As the first hour of my state of wakenness progressed in ache in front of the computor, my mood took a further down turn. Then Kattiz, my best friend, phoned and it turned out she felt quite the same as me, although her awfulness had an anger streak in it... Funny how it gets. We're both extremely restless to the point where we're too exhausted to do a thing, and we both get testily and moody around other people (especially our families and long-distance boyfriends) She too has had trouble sleeping, and been stressed out all summer. But it's not really wierd at all, because we've been best friends since playschool, so it'd be wierd if we weren't alike... Anyway. We decided to go for a walk together and get rid of some of that pent up energy and aggression. You'll see... with the combined power of our negative energy, we will conquere the world!! Mwahahaha! or something like that....

This was too days ago:


A man phoned
he'd purchased a book from my father
on the internet, but didn't know where
to send the money
I put my dad on and continued
to pack my life into boxes again
A quarter of an hour later
when I passed the kitchen on my way downstairs
dad was still on the phone, chatting merrily
about "The pianist" and a book about
world war two

Useless exsistence

I got a ride with my dad to the hospital in town for my appointment with the medical gymnast. It went alright. No big surprises. I'm bendy and have no muscles to support my bendiness, to make a long story short. He gave me some simple exercises for my neck and shoulders to begin with and a new appointment for august 22. After that, we met up with mum who's working this week, and we all had lunch together.

After we got home, my little brother and I went down to the village library so that he could borrow some books on soccer (to his immense pleasure) and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (probably to please me rather than himself...) I am very proud to announce that I resisted temptation with flying colours and refrained from borrowing a single book!

When we got back home, I stationed myself in the kitchen and thought I might do some writing, but for some reason (despite my five whole hours of sleep last night and big amounts of coffee) my eyelids were drooping dangerously and my arms felt strangely heavy, as if I would've done a hundred push-ups! (of course I could never do a hundred push-ups, I can't even manage to do one, but I imagine this is what your arms would feel like if you did do a hundred push-ups...) and writing was obviously out of the question.

I considered taking a nap, but by that time my mother had come home from work and she strictly advised against it in her normal motherly-hypocritic way before going for a nap herself. I pointed this out to her of course, just to underline the unfairness of it all, but she fired back with a simple "I can sleep at night, you can't" -- I still felt strongly that I was being treated awfully unfair, but nevertheless I skipped the nap, because the bottom-line of every story is Mum knows best, isn't it? -- Well, my motto has always been that I'm always right, so I'm a bit torn at the moment... But I think I'll be able to turn this whole decision and the reason behind it into my own clever making, so then it's alright!

Re-read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix last night because, guess what? I haven't gotten my hand on the sixth book yet! By now, every devoted Harry Potter fan around the world has probably read it several times over, and I haven't even touched the cover! They sold out immediatly of course, and they ordered a new stock that should be in at the end of the week, but I mean -- the end of the week! Sure, I've waited a year to read it and a few more days won't really finish me off will it, but when you're dead set on something and it doesn't turn out that way, your whole world crumbles doesn't it! I'm going mad... Harry Potter-abstinence, the heat, the unexplainable exhaution and the general fact that everything seems to go generally wrong in general just to spite me! -- well, it's enough to drive anyone up the walls, isn't it... Anyway. I'm going to read Viggo Mortensen's Recent Forgeries for a while now and calm down... My shoulders have begun to ache anyway.

This is me trying to write

And this is my sweetie Tjockis, not trying to do much at all

Ordinary Life

Went with mum to see one of her old friends today while dad and simon watched a soccer game on telly. It was really nice to get out. And mum's friend is really great, and inspiring. She let us borrow some books and the movie "Finding Neverland" which I hadn't seen yet! I have now, and it was even better than I thought it would be!

Now I just want to write all night!

But my shoulders ache and I'm tired... and besides, I have an early call tomorrow... have to get up and start dealing with my childhood and my life. By sorting through all my stuff. I need to get a grip of things. It will be really awful I imagine, but it will feel great afterwards I'm sure.
Besides, I have something to look forward to.

Harry Potter and the Halfbloof Prince!!

speaking of which... I've boarded a new slash ship! The remus/sirius which I'm currently riding towards the horizon until the crack of dawn, then I'll probably go back to Monaboyd for a while... have to write the next chapter of "Complicated Feelings" (I'm having second thoughts about that title b.t.w...) and post it on lj... just haven't had the time... or I haven't taken the time, I guess... I will tomorrow though!

Oh and this is what I looked like the evening before last:

and this is what my bite band's case looked like last night after I'd had my sleepy way with it:

hee hee!

dawn-memories and glitter powder

I've been stressed out as per usual the last couple of days. Not that I've managed to get much done, but I've been stressed all the same (or probably because of it to be honest) had a few new ideas but I haven't been doing any serious writing. I've hung out with Kattiz and Sara, we went for a coffe yesterday and then we went to garage sales-shop (or whatever it's called) and in the evening we went to this event at the hill which turned out to be completely boring, but all the same. We also met fredde there briefly. Later I spoke to Axl on the phone for a while, then again around 3 AM. He phoned just as I was creating my own writing book - I'm very handy it turned out! - and then I went to bed.
I woke up, much too late, around noon. My family was getting ready to go out to the island. I decided to stay home, at least for a couple of hours. Told them I'll give them a call when I want to come out as well. So far today, I've created a new blog on my account where I'll be posting photos of my friends and family. I've already posted some, and now I'm going to put a link to it on my site before getting dressed and walking into the village. I forgot to eat yesterday so I'm going to buy something eatable. and a pregnancy test. Oh, did I tell you... the sky was perfect the night before yesterday. You know when it's too perfect to be real... I think I wrote something about it.. oh yes, here it is.

2005-07-14 3:25 AM

I just got back inside. The sky is magnificent. The husky deep blue of twilight is bright with the first specks of dawn and full of clouds that appear to be illuminated by pink neon lights. I had to photograph it before going to bed. Just standing there in the middle of our lawn, looking off to the right of our house, the view was beyond even the faerytold perfection of childhood. It was beauty driven to the brink of surrealism and absolutely breathtaking.
And there I was; wearing my dad's shorts and my mum's sleeveless t-shirt, both of them much too bif for me (and my bite band) and my arms were glistening with the lavender oil I'd made and smeared across my ugly scars to make them bleach, holding the camera shakily to my face.
I'm quite certain that I wasn't as beautiful a sight as the morning sky itself, but I was there to see it. I was the only one to see it, and the only one in position to eternalize it with my camera. It was just me and the sky. Everyone else were sound asleep in their beds all around me. Dead to the world... it made me feel like a ghost.

Anyway. I'm going to get going now, I'm all dressed (cut-off jeans, black top and barefoot. And wearing lots of bronze metallic-looking powder, glittering away all over me, and don't ask me why - I found my old makeup from when I lived in Hille, and just went beserk...) So that's it for now. Might update this entry later on if I have any... news... of significance. yeah.

Sunkisses all over

It's been excrutiatingly hot today, I thought I was going to pass out at one point, but I didn't so, no harm done really. Went into town with my family for lunch. First place we went to didn't have any vegetarian alternatives so we left. Second place we went to did have a vegetarian alternative, although not during the summer apparently. But we stayed there all the same, and they specialized one of their dishes for me so it didn't include any meat, so that worked out okay.

I wore a black tunic that I got with the latest Elle magazine. Didn't actually buy the magazine myself, I just have to say. It's just a friend of mine's husband gets them for free in the mail, but they never read them so she's started sending them on to my address. I quite like them to be honest, not the articles so much because it's mainly about unimportant things such as celebrity gossip and fashion.. but I do like the photo section, because the pictures are really great even though the motif tend to be anorexic top models. I usually draw some of them, just for the exercise, when I have time to sit down... And I wore my new black shades. They're big and beautiful. 've got that kinda old moviestar-look to them. I quite like that. And they hide half my face, which I really like...

When we got back home, Kattiz phoned and we decided to go for a swim. But since my family, minus my dad, were going to go out to the island and swim out there, we decided against going to the lake, and came with them instead. The water was excellent! We swam across, over to Kattiz' family's island and had a coffee with them, then we swam back and had a coffee with my family. After that we went home again. The boat ran out of gas so Fredrik, my oldest brother, had to row half of the way...

I want to watch a movie. Haven't decided which movie I want to watch, but I suppose it doesn't really matter, because if I have my mind clearly set on which movie I do want to watch, I'll just be disappointed and grumpy when I'm voted down by the rest of the family... I want to paint...

Back from Weekend trip

Spent the weekend in Orsa with my family. Very dull but I need to get out more. (That's the title of one of my favorite paintings by Viggo Mortensen by the way)

Beyond the rich verdure of disarranged leafy thickets were

misty hills enclosing

the calm waterbody

a pale blueish green against the opaque sky where

the vague shapes of cloud were overlapping perfectly

Really do need to get out more though, because it can't be healthy to stay locked away inside 24/7, thinking about the executions that took place on the place de Gréve in Paris on the nineteenth century...
It isn't as bad as it sounds though, because I'm simply trying to decide whether my character (in one of the stories I'm writing on) should be burnt on the stake or decapitated... Guillotin has a nice ring to it... but when you actually think about the process; being burnt alive is quite more dramatic...
There was this one bloke in Paris that was sentenced to death by being torn apart by horses tied to his limbs, but he just wouldn't break so finally they had to cut him up with a knife... imagine that...

Anyway. I'm not as out of it as it might sound.. it just comes off that way when I'm writing. Honest.
My big brother is visiting. We watched "The emperor's new groove" just a minute ago and now everyone's gone to bed.
I better get downstairs as well so I'm not disturbing anyone... I'll try and get some sleep too...
Otherwise I can always watch "The Office" for the umptieth time... (it's so funny...!)

Paint

Well, I never really went to sleep last night. Went to bed around six or seven am, but I couldn't sleep so I watched the second series of "The Office" on DVD. When dad came down to wake up, I'd just turned the telly off and crawled beneath the coverlet and closed my eyes. He's gone to get more paint from the shop, we'll keep painting the house when he gets back I suppose. Have written two poems about that actually, house painting, a few days ago when we started. I should have them here somewhere...
On another note I've discovered a new swedish literature magazine, called ponton, and I've e-mailed them six of my old poems, just to see. I read their ad in the swedish poetry magazine lyrikvännen which mum got in the post the other day. I also read a marvelous poem, thus discovering a new favorite poet, called Jens Jönson.

runs off for a bit to paint the house

'lo, I'm back again! Found the poems too, but one was awful so scratch that one..

+

Painted house.

When you changed the red of my childhood
to a light blue, I figured
it would mark the new beginning
I was determined to get
Now you're re-painting again, I've offered to help
And as I stare up at the wall,
with the paintbrush ready for when
you have dismantled the old drainpipe,
I can't help but to fret over
how I am supposed to live my life now
in green this dull

/ ida thomasdotter 2005-07-02