Sunday, June 14, 2020

Hello from the future

Hi there,

You don't know me, and this is going to seem freaky. But I know you. In fact, I used to be you. And I mean that literally, not in a "I used to be where you are now, I know how you feel"-kind of way. No, I literally used to be you. I am you in the future. I know, not exactly what you were expecting and hoping for... But hear me out.

You know that line, from that book? That you quote all the time, because it's such a brilliant line and because Stephen Fry paraphrased it in his auto-biography? The opening line from the novel "The Go-Between" that you then tracked down and bought, but never ended up reading?

The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there. 

Well, I am here to tell you about your future and, although I am literally living in a foreign country right now, and the body that I inhabit now would probably feel foreign to you as well, it's not all that different from what you know. In many ways, you've been here before.

I'm beginning to realise, we'll always return to this place; No matter how many times we get lost in the forest, we'll always find our way back to the path. You might think that sounds comforting. And in a way it is. You just need to figure out a way for you to remember it in those periods of your life when you're struggling through the underbrush. So far, I haven't quite managed. So far, it's Groundhog Day, constantly forgetting and re-remember this song. But maybe you'll do better.

Keep reading that autobiography by Stephen Fry and when you get that inkling in your gut and that voice in your head tells you some of the things you read feel familiar, listen. You're about to get some answers soon.

That doesn't mean things will immediately get easier, unfortunately. Things will get worse for a while, then they'll get better. Then they'll get worse again, even worse than they've ever been before. Even worse than twelve, and seventeen, and twenty-one. You'll find yourself strapped to a rollercoaster in the dark and you'll be scared; you won't be alone, but you'll feel like you are.

That feeling is valid, just like the feeling that you're an awful, evil, ugly bitch, and the feeling that life is nothing but meaningless pain and darkness, and the feeling that's how it's always going to be and things will never get better again, and the feeling that you're a horrible burden on the people still in your life... Those are all valid feelings, but try and remember that that's all they are. They are not facts.

Keep reading Stephen Fry, watch his documentary "The Secret Life of The Manic Depressive" and finish the screening process with the mental health team -- I know it doesn't seem like they know what they're doing, and they probably don't, but stick with the process anyway -- and do your own research into Bipolar Affective Disorder; get a healthy routine; get yourself to the gym; remember to sleep; read novels that you enjoy just for the sake of reading, like Harry Potter and Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy; don't beat yourself up too much for spending all your savings on that motorcycle that you don't know how to drive yet; sign up for driving lessons; when people put you down and it makes you feel worthless and that you can't do something, do the thing; don't be afraid to move on from some people when the time comes; don't be afraid to let new people close; and when things are bad, know that it's okay to pause until you're strong enough to climb back up. Know that the feeling that you're never going to be strong enough, is just a feeling. Know that you are always going to be strong enough, you are always going to get back on your feet and you are always going to find your way back to the path and, finally, know that the time you spend lost is never wasted. It's part of the journey.

If you want a sneak peak into the future, this is where you can find me:


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Here there be nothing

Hello, this blog is no longer in use. I'm fed up with it. Got a new one, it's currently holding the domain for my new website until I've finished coding it.



Monday, November 07, 2011


the address to my new website, but since I haven't had the time to finish coding it yet, I have a simple wordpress blog there right now. I won't be using this one anymore, so if you want to keep track, change your bookmarks.


Monday, September 05, 2011

Good, good, good day today today!

Today was great!

I had a meeting with my contact person on one of the temp agencies I've been working extra through and told her about the circumstances at that particular store and explained why I can't deal with working there any longer, and she understood exactly where I was coming from and said I was such a loyal and qualified employee of theirs that they just couldn't afford to lose, so she would get in touch with her contact on one of the other stores that they have this kind of arrangement with and book a training day for me with them, and then they'd move me to that pool instead, so in the near future I'll be done with this store and its sexist employees and customers and be selling adorable design children's clothes to neurotic young parents instead!

I went from my meeting in such a hgh mood, I decided to give the other temp agency a call while I was on a roll and told them I wanted to start working for them again and they gladly accepted.

With some time to kill before the casting session with my top first choice for one of the main characters in Anna's short and one of our favourites from the open casting session we've already had, I treated myself to some sushi and decided to do a bit of brainstorming on paper for my screenplay, but ended up getting inspired to dive into my novel again, a manuscript that's been dormant since I started writing screenplays basically, so that was a huge, but obviously pleasant surprise!

The casting went great, as well. "My" guy was excellent for the part I'd insisted he be perfect for, despite what you might think at first glance, and the two of them really worked together, they complimented each and balanced each other out in an interesting way, their chemistry and dynamic is really nice, but natural and low-key, not like fireworks or sizzling UST or anything like that, which is just what the characters relationship is, it's just what it is, just of course, you know? Afterwards Anna completely agreed with me, so now it's decided, they're the ones! So now we have the two main characters! And that is such a huge load off my back somehow, I hadn't realised how stressed I've been about casting this until tonight, but now that it's settled I notice the difference immediately, it's a huge relief, because now we have the core of the cast as well as the film itself, since the story is built on these two characters and their relationship and this low-key chemistry, and now it feels entirely possible that everything else will just fall into place around them somehow.

Tomorrow it's writing and laundry all day and night, perhaps a bit of cleaning of my room simultaneously as the laundry gradually clears out, and probably a walk or something somewhere in there as well, since I'll probably go crazy if I don't leave the house at all, because that's usually what happens...

Anyway, just wanted to take this opportunity to actually update my blog with something positive for once, not use it as a venting tool or free therapy, but actually put it out there that yes, I do have good days too, and today was one! Now, good night.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Bitterness & "Boygame" casting

Started planning our first casting for "Boygame" whilst working non-stop. I'm quite fed up with this, the other day was a nightmare and that was the last straw on some level for me, in the back of my mind I'm already set on quitting. I've requested a change of store from the agency, they'll get in touch with me on Monday. I'm going to tell them it's killing my back not to be able to rotate between the register and the store (which is true) but leave out the part about the customers, because customers are the same anywhere so as long as I'm temping in a customer service oriented job, I have to keep that to myself. But I'm really too empathetic and sensitive to handle that type of job. As soon as someone is the slightest bit rude or grumpy or upset, it gets to me. Even though, logically, I know it's not personal or whatever, I just want to leave everything or burst into tears or something, plus it takes me at least half an hour to shake it off. I literally don't have a single moment's spare time this week, let alone an hour or two to edit my short film. I don't when I'll be able to finish it, at this rate I won't have it done by September even, it'll be way into winter before I can even have a sound technician look at it! Diet's still on. Not really much of a change, though. Maybe I really have to start working out in order to get thinner.. Like I'll have time and energy to do that.. Wow, I'm in a bitter mood! Sorry, didn't mean to spread any negativity.