Good, good, good day today today!

Today was great!

I had a meeting with my contact person on one of the temp agencies I've been working extra through and told her about the circumstances at that particular store and explained why I can't deal with working there any longer, and she understood exactly where I was coming from and said I was such a loyal and qualified employee of theirs that they just couldn't afford to lose, so she would get in touch with her contact on one of the other stores that they have this kind of arrangement with and book a training day for me with them, and then they'd move me to that pool instead, so in the near future I'll be done with this store and its sexist employees and customers and be selling adorable design children's clothes to neurotic young parents instead!

I went from my meeting in such a hgh mood, I decided to give the other temp agency a call while I was on a roll and told them I wanted to start working for them again and they gladly accepted.

With some time to kill before the casting session with my top first choice for one of the main characters in Anna's short and one of our favourites from the open casting session we've already had, I treated myself to some sushi and decided to do a bit of brainstorming on paper for my screenplay, but ended up getting inspired to dive into my novel again, a manuscript that's been dormant since I started writing screenplays basically, so that was a huge, but obviously pleasant surprise!

The casting went great, as well. "My" guy was excellent for the part I'd insisted he be perfect for, despite what you might think at first glance, and the two of them really worked together, they complimented each and balanced each other out in an interesting way, their chemistry and dynamic is really nice, but natural and low-key, not like fireworks or sizzling UST or anything like that, which is just what the characters relationship is, it's just what it is, just of course, you know? Afterwards Anna completely agreed with me, so now it's decided, they're the ones! So now we have the two main characters! And that is such a huge load off my back somehow, I hadn't realised how stressed I've been about casting this until tonight, but now that it's settled I notice the difference immediately, it's a huge relief, because now we have the core of the cast as well as the film itself, since the story is built on these two characters and their relationship and this low-key chemistry, and now it feels entirely possible that everything else will just fall into place around them somehow.

Tomorrow it's writing and laundry all day and night, perhaps a bit of cleaning of my room simultaneously as the laundry gradually clears out, and probably a walk or something somewhere in there as well, since I'll probably go crazy if I don't leave the house at all, because that's usually what happens...

Anyway, just wanted to take this opportunity to actually update my blog with something positive for once, not use it as a venting tool or free therapy, but actually put it out there that yes, I do have good days too, and today was one! Now, good night.

Talk of things unreal and real.

Spent the day with Anja at Filmbasen. She watched the rough cut of "Varma Mackor" and gave me feedback, we talked about everything as always, including future plans. Briefly, we touched on the the idea of starting a production company together, but she had to go to work and we didn't really have time to get into it, just threw it out there as a possibility. 

I've been listening to Bonnie Tyler and Kim Carnes. Weird, I know. 

Today was also the official first day of my idiotic diet, that I've decided on, for losing a whole bunch of weight, that I probably can't spare, for the role in Tove's film. Anja got pretty upset with me when I told her, but eventually backed down (probably for strategic reasons since she, herself, dropped a diet bomb on me when she told me she's going to start eating fish again, and realised that she couldn't expect me not to get upset with that if she was upset with mine) 

Other than that I feel (generally anxious and) like time's slipping out of reach. I don't know when I'll be able to finish "Varma Mackor". The paying type of work is getting in the way and is not only time-consuming but steals my energy and inspiration as well. I started working on the second draft of the screenplay for my next film this morning before it was time for me to go meet up with Anja, but I can't really focus, and I have all this other shit muddling my mind right now, all my own fault of course, since it's all, entirely, one big figment of my imagination. Told Anja about that, too. Knew I could, because I knew she'd get it, and she did. What's so frustrating, though, is that no matter how unreal the situation is, and no matter how perfectly aware of that I am, the feelings generated from it are completely real, because there's no such thing as imagined feelings, feelings aren't either real or unreal, they are what they are, they're as real as they can ever be while you have them and when they go away they're not there anymore, it's basic, crude, nerve reactions or whatever, like electrical sparks in the brain or something, no more, no less, but has more of an impact on you than any other thing, it's fascinating really, when you think about it. Terms like "real" becomes insufficient when you're talking about feelings, and I think that's why I like paying attention to them more than logic and reason most of the time, because I've always felt "real", as a concept to relate to, was rather muddled and confusing, so I get feelings, because they're not this rigid thing, they're just exactly what they happen to be at any given moment, and that I can relate to. 

Anyway. That's a tangent.

I'm going to give writing another go now. Back to earning money tomorrow, so I should make the most of tonight on the creativity front.  

2 per cent anxious.

Just realised I've been anxious for the past couple of hours, and since I haven't really got a valid, concrete reason for anxiety, I've been creating fleeting ones continuously since last night... like obsessing over a stupid thing I said two days ago, worrying about the way someone looked at me yesterday, things like that. For once, I've actually had a good time and felt good about things, including myself, for longer than a week even, and now what, I'm fabricating anxiety when there's none around to haunt me? Is that how it's going to be from now on? I hate my mind sometimes.

Hang-man

The wedding was awesome.

I'll post some pictures later, because words cannot describe how amazing Tove and Anna looked in their costumes. I even had a great time, which had a lot to do, I think, with the consideration they'd put into where to seat me, considering I was the one person at the wedding who didn't know anyone else. They seated me with the crazy group of friends in the middle (The group which produced two awesome girls who, when it became time to walk up front and give a speech or read a poem or something, sang karaoke to "A whole new world" instead. The group that, when everyone else sat horrified and in shock as said girls proceeded to sing, very off-key, instead sat laughing and clapping and then demanded "One more time!")

I got an email from Josefine, producer on "Århundradets brott", half-way through the evening saying that I was needed the next day after all. So any crazy notion I might have entertained about staying up all night dancing quickly became moot and I really had to catch the last bus into town. Even then it was about one o'clock when I finally got home. I had to get up again at five.

The next day was spent in a kind of blur. I felt feverish and dizzy for most of it. But I did get to ride on the moped, though. Fanny, the actress who plays the main character, gave me a ride to the train tracks where we were shooting the first scene of the day. It was scary as hell at first, but once I realised I wouldn't actually fall off, it was awesome.

Yesterday it seemed I had a lot to make up for, because my energy was all over the place, and of course I couldn't be there for the last half of the day, because there wasn't room in the little electrical car thingy for me, so I had to stay behind at HQ with a couple of the others who were made redundant for those particular scenes. I quickly became spastic with pent-up energy. Even with the FAD's little dog to play with.

So I made Filip (C-foto) play hang-man with me (I won), and when Charlie (actor who plays the male lead) wrapped his portion of the scenes, he joined in as well (he cheated), but it didn't last long before the game was put aside and we started geeking out about movies and actors instead, which we continued to do all the way to the station and the entire train ride until the two of them got off, much to the dismay of Lina, who tagged along to the train, and who normally works for the Stockholm Film Festival and is therefore generally fed up with movie talk..

Got to sleep in this morning. My head feels sort of cloudy, I think I might have slept too long. But I need to get ready now. Second to last day of shooting this short film. Then it's back to juggling reality with my own projects. Yay.

Summer days drifting away

Editing "Varma Mackor" has been a joy. I have a rough cut of the film finished now, after a couple of insane all-nighters that pretty much went like this: I'd get to the editing room at Filmbasen at around six or seven in the evening, get startled by the alarm on my mobile at five to eleven (that's when the alarm is automatically turned on, and you have to go outside, wait for it to turn on, then disable it again before you can go back inside), get back to it and suddenly realise the sun is up and it's five in the morning, at which point it would cross my mind that "I should get home and get some sleep...", a healthy thought, no doubt, that was unfortunately quickly followed by "I'll just finish doing this first..." and in the blink of an eye, it'd be noon, and only then would I stumble home like zombie, squinting in the bright daylight, wondering if the fact that my brain feels like a wet cake is a sign of permanent damage or not, but also feeling decidedly pleased with my night's work and quite in love with all my actors.

Now I'm letting it rest for a while. I'm waiting for Anja to get back into town so that I can show it to her and recieve her brilliant and unforgiving feedback. Meanwhile, I've been planning three other productions for the coming year with Tove and Anna. I'm helping them both cast their respective films, and I'll also be both of their assistant director, as well as play the main character in Tove's film. And the third film we're doing is my own, of course. I've just finished the first draft of the screenplay (it's called "Begrav mig på bakgården", which means Bury me in the backyard) and I'll be working on that alongside the casting process, as well as reading and giving Tove and Anna feedback on their screenplays. And also, whatever Anja needs from me as well, but we haven't talked about that yet, but she's making her film "Agnes" this year, as well as a documentary.

In the beginning of August I'll also be working on another production as a scripta (just went to look up the english work for that function and bristled when I saw that it was "script girl" or "continuity girl" according to tyda.se, definitely not condoning that, so you'll just have to make due with swedish on this one...) with Tove's and Anna's wedding crammed in the middle of the shoot.

Then at the end of August, Tove, Anna and myself are renting a car to go on a weekend trip down south to look at some locations and possibly hold a casting workshop at a school.

And, believe it or not, I'm also going to try and get some hours in with the temp agency so that I'll be able to pay my rent and bills. One thing's for sure though, I'm not making it back home for another visit before the summer is over.

Morning, people!

Okay, so I completely meant to go to sleep last night... I even went to bed and everything, early even, but somehow I got to reading slash fic and I just wasn't tired so I kept reading, and eight o'clock turned to eleven then one then three and considering I had my alarm set on four, because I actually got some (regular) work this weekend and today my shift starts at (ridiculous) six-forty-five on the complete opposite side of town, which means I have to leave at five to make it there on time, I figured it'd be both pointless and idiotic of me to actually go to sleep since not only would an hour do more damage than good, but I'd most likely oversleep as well once I finally dozed off... which is why it's not four-thirty and I haven't slept, and I'm already starting to feel all fuzzy around the edges and giggly and silly and all over the place, and I'm supposed to sit at a cash register until five this evening... good times!

& I cut my hair again. Not much left of it now. But I still I have at least one more go left this summer before I get too skinhead-y for comfort...

Coffeecoffeecoffee now yesss goodcoffee. Have a good day, people! Since I won't, you know, have one on me or whatever!

"I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit.

"No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way."

Besides making a production-related phone call and scheduling that casting gig, I spent most of the day reading slash fic and getting absolutely nothing done. It felt kind of nice, for once. Usually that will send me guilt-tripping into a full on anxiety attack, but today for some reason I felt completely Zen, like Winnie the Pooh with a tummy full of honey, content with just being.

Then in the afternoon I dragged myself to the tube and went a few stations to Skärholmen to do some light grocery shopping, not because I had to do my shopping there and couldn't do it closer to home, but because I needed the trip. I even walked to the tube instead of taking the bus, just to get some movement in. On the way home too, even with the grocery bags, I walked. Good thing too, because a few ideas dropped by for a visit and I rewrote two scenes on my next short film screenplay. Thought I'd make it official now and actually rewrite them in the actual screenplay as well, as opposed to the changes just being in my head.

Rain, rain, rain

So I gave my blog a layout make-over, I felt it only fair since I've had about a hundred since the last time I changed it. Also, I felt it was time for a new title of blog since "coffee, cigarettes & conversation" hardly applies anymore since I quit smoking, and this blogging thing isn't really conversing either, is it? It's more of a monologue, and barely that. And also, I felt the title wasn't pretentious and obscure enough, hence the new title being "Metal, rain & yesterday's coffee"... much more in line with my current life situation.

Got another film gig today, stepping in for Caroline as casting assistant next week. Approximately two hours work, hopefully in the same day, greeting and reading with three different six-year-olds. I even get paid, which is awesome, since I've been stressing out about money lately. Being busy with my own short film, I haven't work anything this month, which means I'll be completely broke come next month. But maybe, hopefully, I'll manage. If I can just get the student loan people off my back during the summer, I'm good. The odds of that happening, though, are slim at best, since they've been hounding me since 2008... I could apply for a course again, but apparently they're not too hung up on details like that anymore, since they wanted me to start paying back my loan in May, when I was still studying up until mid-June, so basically, I got my last payment only to hand it right back. Ridiculous.

Meeeh, I hate talking about money, and thinking about money, and worrying about money. It'll work somehow, it always does. Worst case scenario, I'll be hungry this summer too. No biggie.

Oh, yeah, and it's raining.

Today I had sunshine in the palms of my hands.

So I went into town to meet up with Anja before our appointment with this actor. She was just as nervous as I was, possibly even more so. But the meeting went swimmingly. The guy turned out to be, not only great, interesting and sensible, but a truly genuine person as well (which is the most important quality in my book, since I seem to be surrounded largely by people who are anything but...) Mine and Anja's intuition about this actor is looking more and more spot on, just sitting there talking to the guy, just drinking in his energy and general way, I'd almost say I had the actual character from my script in front of me. And knowing that he's a really talented and charismatic yet subtle actor as well, from seeing his performance in the wonderful mini-series "De halvt dolda", it's just perfect casting and I am so happy right now!

Oh, and he seemed really pleased with the information he recieved from us as well and had some really interesting thoughts and ideas about the script, which he really liked on top of everything, and when we got to discussing work method I found out that we're completely on the same page when it comes to acting and process work, being more interested in exploring the character and the scene and the character's relationship with other characters and just be present in the now and open to impulses (and basically everything I learned from the amazing Stephen Park and keep learning again and again through my own experiences since VFS) rather than focusing on Stanislavskis earlier methods (that he later revised because he himself realised that it wasn't the best method) which is what most acting schools and courses seem to teach, where you basically reach back in your memory and use experiences from your own life to re-create a certain emotion, instead of just being present in the moment, with your co-actor, reacting to the given circumstances and exploring the scene. And this actor, Henrik, was all on board with that, and the way he talked about it, when I asked him how he preferred to work usually, he basically voiced all of my own opinions and preferences, both as an actor and as a director. So I'm really looking forward to working with him now! Hopefully he and the girl who'll probably play the main characters (his little sister in the film) will connect and have some real, interesting chemistry between them... if they do, then I have half my work done already, and the result will most likely be amazing too...

Anja and I walked around for a bit after we'd said goodbye to Henrik, all giddy from how well the meeting went, and ended up (as we always seem to) having some firey discussions about everything, but mostly about film, especially the films we want to make, how women are portrayed in film that get made and the kind of scripts we write and our (quite similar) writing style that not many people seem to get. It's really funny, because I just mentioned one example of a detail from my screenplay, a thing that my main character does, and I didn't even have time to explain why I thought it was important -- she got it instantly! -- and that's why I love her. And that's why I'm re-writing my screenplay again, I'm still getting rid of the pretentious choice of phrases that I sometimes use, but I'm keeping my details. And that's that.

Still avoiding reality. But it's a red day, so I can if I want to.

Yesterday I revised the current draft of my screenplay and got rid of all my Virginia Woolf-esque scene directions and details so that I'd have a more stripped down version of the script to show to potential producers and I'm now down to 115 pages (including the title page)! It was 137 (excluding title page) before!

Today my mind is in Brighton, UK.

Also, I'm watching a genius comedy/dramacomedi called "I love you too" that you must watch. Another amazing performance by Peter Dinklage, a new favourite actor. I started watching another one of his films last night in which he had a tiny role (but he made the most of it and was awesome) but I couldn't keep watching it. I think I might have hated it. But I was too stunned by the weirdness of the whole thing that I'm not exactly sure what I felt toward the monstrosity of a film. It's called "Just a kiss". It felt more like a 90s MTV special (or a re-enacted letter from the Swedish teen program "Bullen" from the same decade) than an actual movie. Especially with the random and weird as hell cartoony effects that suddenly pop up over the actual film, like the orcs in the old animated version of "Lord of the rings", but worse.

Nothing particular

It's insanely warm, and it's only going to get worse. Taking advantage of the long weekend, I've been holed up in my room for the past 72 or so hours, watching films and rearranging my piles of notes and ideas for stories, putting my two vinyl records (Iron Maiden and Blue Oyster Cult) on the window sill to block out the sun light where the blinds aren't covering. I've been on an Adrien Brody kick (Some awesomeness: , and before that it was a lot of Ben Stiller for some reason, and before that I discovered two new favourite actors, Peter Dinklage (Must see: The Station Agent from 2003) and Rinko Kikuchi whom I'd seen in Map of the sounds of Tokyo but since I hated the film with all of my being, she didn't stick with me at the time, even though I thought she was doing a good job in that as well, it wasn't until I saw her in The brothers Bloom from 2008 that I fell in love with her. The character she plays in that is awesome as well, so that might have something to do with it. I'm sure I won't be as thrilled with her/her character in Norwegian Wood (if I even watch it) since I couldn't even finish that book (Sorry Ana, if you happen to read this) because I hated it so much.

It always breaks my heart to go through all of my notes, because I have all these stories that are basically finished and just waiting for me to write them down, and I'm thinking maybe I'll never get around to it, and they'll never be told.

Busy bee, busy bee, busy beeezzZZ

I'm back home visiting my parents now. So far, so good. Although my diet is already suffering.. Other new developments, that would be of some kind of interest to you (even though I'm sure that my diet will now be the topic of your conversations for days to come...)

On my way here, as I was waiting for the train actually, I got an email from the producer I did my internship with last term, asking me if I'd be willing to translate the dialogue of one of her films into English for the subtitles for when she sends it to festivals, and I'll get paid for it and everything! Yay for paid work!

I finished the synopsis and Director's vision and my film CV, for the pre-production package for the short film, now all I have left to do is the mood board (saving the most difficult to last) and then we're all set to apply for funding and whatnot, so film people, ideas and moral support for the mood board-making, please...

What else... went with my mum to this theme day at CFL yesterday, it was quite interesting. Lectures/discussions about Vision work and Sustainable development, within the municipality of Söderhamn (my home town). I got some great creative inspiration and a film idea out of it, too.

Oh, and I got the room in the commune! So I'm no longer homeless-to-be! Which is a load off my mind and shoulders, now I can focus on my mood board and my assignment for school tomorrow -- I'm supposed to write for television in a group this and next week, my group just had their first brainstorming meeting, via crappy chat program on First Class, although we didn't do nearly enough brainstorming for my taste, it was more focus on agreeing on semantics about what the assignment actually was, and having not read the schedule or the assignment at all, I got rather restless, once we'd decided which idea we were going with, I wanted to start brainstorming for real, come up with ideas for sub-plotlines, key scenes, underlying themes, character developments and archs and relationships and all that stuff... but we decided that we're supposed to brainstorm on our own respectively (...) and chat again tomorrow morning -- I don't know when I'll have time to go to the neighbouring town Bollnäs and apply for a new passport at this rate, but I'll have to think of something...

Now, before I start brainstorming with myself... I'm going to give Anja a call and talk casting.

Slow

So I thought I'd be able to write a longer, more detailed blog entry while I was away, but of course the wireless connection at the inn was completely uncooperative, and now I'm back in Stockholm again. Actually, I'm at the library in Solna, just so I can get access to an internet connection.

The three days in Sunne were intense. It started on a dramatic note the night before, actually. Kajsa and I were driving down, or up, or sideways, whereever it is in relationship to Stockholm, my geography knowledge is just as bad as my sense of direction... because halfway there, the car went and died on us. Then it started up again, and after about ten minutes, it died again... and so it went, all the way to Sunne, which meant that instead of arriving at about ten o'clock at night, we got there at about midnight, or one o'clock in the morning, I'm not sure... needless to say we're exhausted and shaken up (it's quite scary when you're driving in a single lane on the highway in the middle of the night and your car breaks down and the only other traffic besides yourself are these huge trucks and lorries...) but we got to where we were going in one piece and that's all that matters.

The feedback discussions in my group were awesome, so inspiring. My script was up last, on the second day, and just like all the previous feedback and open discussions, I was overwhelmed by the extensive and rewarding feedback, also I was surprisingly struck by a revelation of my own, halfway through, that one of the characters in my screenplay is actually based on a real person from my past, and that was mind-boggling I can tell you... and that, as well as the revelation that I had just before writing this sixth draft about my main characters intimacy disorder, is the reason I'm experiencing the most amount of resistence to continuing this writing process that I have since I started. In fact, I haven't even so much as opened the document on my computer since then. Instead I started writing a play for this contest, deadline 15th of September.

I sent a text to the producer about meeting to talk about my short film, still haven't heard back from her. I guess it is Sunday, and she just finished shooting another short film and I only just sent the text this morning, but still. Things are happening too slowly, I feel like I need to explode all over the place, like everything around me is happening in slow motion and I have to try and reel myself in and force myself to go more slowly, and it's really frustrating. It's like being a kid again. Constantly being told to settle down, slow down, repeat myself more slowly, be still. I hate that.

"Things are looking up"

I finally got myself a new mobile. I've yet to get it running, because I needed to download a newer version of itunes before I could sync it and whatnot, and in order to download anything, you need an internet connection and so I had to get myself to the nearest library where I could access an internet connection, but as of this afternoon I am back in business, and it's such a relief it's ridiculous. All those times I claimed to be anti-social and expressed naïve wishes to be phoneless, I take it all back. Obviously, there's a difference between turning the sound off your mobile or screening your calls when you wish to be left alone for a while, and being stripped of your only link to the rest of the world, against your will...

I also went and got myself spontaneously tattooed yesterday. Hugin & Munin, like I'd already decided on. The sketch I made myself about six months ago, only twice as big -- the tattooer's suggestion, and it seemed like a good idea -- and not on my shoulder blade like I'd originally planned, either -- no-one's suggestion, just an impulsive change of plan, completely on me. I'll take a picture of it later and post it, see what you guys think.

Tjockis substitute & a dying mobile phone

I've been having difficulties accessing an internet connection in the past week. Extremely frustrating. Especially when my mobile decides it's about time it broke, as well. I've not been able to answer any incoming calls all week.

But yesterday, I got mail. And it made my month. It was a parcel from my parents and contained the usual news paper clippings and mail that'd been sent to their address and some accessory that I'd forgot the last time I was home for a visit... but also, a Tjockis substitute! (Tjockis is the name of my cat, who's staying with my parents since I moved to Vancouver in 2007, and whom I miss severely now that they won't give her back, and now a friend of my mum's has made a stuffed cat with her exact colouring, including her eye colour which is really special, she has one yellow and one blue eye, so it's no mistaking who the plushie is supposed to be!) 

I have pictures... (yes, I am that much of a child)

Short films and such

Finally got around to ripping the Vancouver Film School DVD and selecting the few acceptable clips from the short "Tequila Rose" (that I -- I'm ashamed to admit -- wrote the script for, in addition to playing the title role) and I've edited those together into a trailer-like show reel. Because there's not way I'm ever show the whole thing to anyone, since the good moments are severely over-shadowed by the horror that is the rest of the film. And the director, photographer and editor managed to put something together that is nowhere near what I'd intended with the script, so I don't want people to think I actually wrote that. The script wasn't that good to begin with, but it sure wasn't a sketch from SNL and that's what the end result resembles.

Had a meeting with Tove, the photographer who's going to shoot my short film that I'm preparing now, and talked about the cinematography. And yesterday I met up with Anja and we talked a little about the short as well, amongst everything else between the sky and the earth, as we are wont to do when we see each other. I'm trying to coax her into helping me with the casting in addition to being Assistant Director during the shoot. She really wants to, but she's got a lot on her plate right now with school and her own projects, so it's a matter of having the time. But I'm sure we'll make it work somehow.

And how are you..

I've just realized that since my last neurotic hair-cutting, I now have almost exact same hairstyle and colour as I did when I cut off my hair halfway through sixth grade; can we say "full circle"?

Today, I'm writing a new synopsis to my screenplay, to sort through the chaos in my own mind, but also in order to send to my mentor-person-thingy and have her read it, to see if we're on the same page at all, because after her last feedback, I'm beginning to think we're talking about different stories and different characters. Also, I'm going to translate it into english so that Ana Maria can read it and give me some tips on how to pitch the story, since my attempt at the Gothenburg festival went South very quickly and she's actually great at pitching stories, I remember her telling me once.

But first, I'm writing it in Swedish. And later today, well tonight, really, I'm meeting up with Tove who's agreed to film my short, and we're going to sit down and discuss the cinematography and such. Fun, fun.

Because the night

I'm flying high on mania and Valerian root pills, listening to "Because the night" with Patti Smith, trying to sit still and write, can't though, I got feedback from my mentor thing person on the revised acts one and two just now, well a bit ago, and really, I'm pretty sure I'm not being sensitive here but it's up the walls, completely off the mark, or maybe I am reading it wrong I don't know, but from what I can tell we're not on the same page at all, and I really thought we were and now I'm really reluctant to the whole thing; plus I haven't even met this person and that doesn't feel very good at all; I've just been going through the screenplay (the one written down as well as the one in my head, as crazy as that sounds, I know) and jotted down little notes on each scene etc, to get an overview on the whole story, just to make sure that I'm at least on the same page as myself -- I am -- and she's missing a couple of really essential points, and a couple of other things she said makes sense but that's details, not important right now, and hey Patti Smith is definitely joining Tori Amos in the inspiration soundtrack, and System of a down as well.

I feel feverish, I need some fresh air or something, think I should open a window for aminute. The meeting with the producer and her director friend went great, well fine, it was relaxed and nice, and they seem genuinely interested, they're in the middle of that director's short though, shooting this weekend, so they told me to gather some inspiration pictures and music and stuff, and then we'll get in touch again next week. Spotify is really great, but I hate the commercial breaks -- and they're put on pause when you hit the mute button on your computer did you know that? That's ridiculous!

Life sucks, then you die.

I thought today was friday. It's not. It's saturday, which means I have to go downtown and clean my sister-in-law's office. It's thrown my entire plan for today. I'm such a Rainman. Really.

Dad transferred some money into my account yesterday so that I could buy coffee, and something to eat. Made my weekend. Well, until now.

And I'm stressing about future now, just because I'm stressed about today, I don't know how that works but that's what I always do, I get stressed about one little thing, and all the stress about everything else that's not even topical or even real. Well, having to move again at the end of May is real, all too real, in fact that's so real I can't even deal with it, so I'm not actually stressed about that.

I'm stressed about the plan. About bartender training and moving to the UK and all that stuff. Because Mum rained on that parade, as was to be expected. My big brother Fredrik sort of did as well, but then I think he felt bad about it, especially after Mum phoned, and he kind of ambiguously took my side when I was venting about what she'd said, but then my sister-in-law Annelie, who is the voice of reason always, poked a whole in the plan as well, saying that bartendering is even harder on the back than waitressing, so that excuse didn't fly. And if I wanted to work as a bartender, I should find a place where they're willing to teach me, that way I actually get paid for learning, as opposed to saving up for an expensive course. Which makes sense and sounds so simple when she says it, but... yeah, I'm not even going to go into it. The point is, I hear all of their voices now saying, "You want to make a career as bartender now? Bartendering, that's your dream job, is it? Waitressing is nothing compared to bartendering. How expensive is the course anyway? You don't even drink coctails!" etc, etc...

But they're missing the point completely, obviously I could care less about bartendering and coctails, I want to make films, you'd think they would have grasped that about now. That's my dream job, that's what I'm passionate about, acting, writing and directing, that's it.

Now, I'm just trying to come up with a "day job" that I can stand, that pays my rent, that leaves my days open, that has a flexible schedule and that I'm qualified for, and I can't stand waitressing anymore. So, that's all I can come up with. Anyone else has got a better idea, please, I'm all ears...

"Come on, come on..."

Okay. Breathe. Just take it one day at a time (thinking immediately of Sandra Bullock in "28 days" saying: "Like two or three days at a time is an option!") and focus, get stuff done, keep moving, forward, any forward motion counts. I need to finish this screenplay. I need to get this short film made. I need to work as much as humaly possible. And I need to find a way to afford to travel, to see my love, my best friend, and to move to the UK and start over again. How many times can a person start over anyway? I'm really like a cat. I've got nine lives.

Re-watching "Rescue me", translating my short film script into English so that Ana Maria can read it and give me her input. Anyone else wants to volunteer, give me a shout. But I warn you, the dialogue isn't very good, becuase I'm just translating it directly from Swedish, just to get the point across, I don't have time to translate the script properly right now.