Today I had sunshine in the palms of my hands.

So I went into town to meet up with Anja before our appointment with this actor. She was just as nervous as I was, possibly even more so. But the meeting went swimmingly. The guy turned out to be, not only great, interesting and sensible, but a truly genuine person as well (which is the most important quality in my book, since I seem to be surrounded largely by people who are anything but...) Mine and Anja's intuition about this actor is looking more and more spot on, just sitting there talking to the guy, just drinking in his energy and general way, I'd almost say I had the actual character from my script in front of me. And knowing that he's a really talented and charismatic yet subtle actor as well, from seeing his performance in the wonderful mini-series "De halvt dolda", it's just perfect casting and I am so happy right now!

Oh, and he seemed really pleased with the information he recieved from us as well and had some really interesting thoughts and ideas about the script, which he really liked on top of everything, and when we got to discussing work method I found out that we're completely on the same page when it comes to acting and process work, being more interested in exploring the character and the scene and the character's relationship with other characters and just be present in the now and open to impulses (and basically everything I learned from the amazing Stephen Park and keep learning again and again through my own experiences since VFS) rather than focusing on Stanislavskis earlier methods (that he later revised because he himself realised that it wasn't the best method) which is what most acting schools and courses seem to teach, where you basically reach back in your memory and use experiences from your own life to re-create a certain emotion, instead of just being present in the moment, with your co-actor, reacting to the given circumstances and exploring the scene. And this actor, Henrik, was all on board with that, and the way he talked about it, when I asked him how he preferred to work usually, he basically voiced all of my own opinions and preferences, both as an actor and as a director. So I'm really looking forward to working with him now! Hopefully he and the girl who'll probably play the main characters (his little sister in the film) will connect and have some real, interesting chemistry between them... if they do, then I have half my work done already, and the result will most likely be amazing too...

Anja and I walked around for a bit after we'd said goodbye to Henrik, all giddy from how well the meeting went, and ended up (as we always seem to) having some firey discussions about everything, but mostly about film, especially the films we want to make, how women are portrayed in film that get made and the kind of scripts we write and our (quite similar) writing style that not many people seem to get. It's really funny, because I just mentioned one example of a detail from my screenplay, a thing that my main character does, and I didn't even have time to explain why I thought it was important -- she got it instantly! -- and that's why I love her. And that's why I'm re-writing my screenplay again, I'm still getting rid of the pretentious choice of phrases that I sometimes use, but I'm keeping my details. And that's that.

Audition and full night's sleep.

Movie-watching day in school; two great documentaries, one is called "Videocracy" and the other "Bananas" and they were both great. Unfortunately the guys who made them didn't make it (that sounds as though they died in the making of the movie... they were supposed to show up at our school for a discussion and Q&A afterwards, but they had to cancel.)

Brief production meeting afterwards. We were missing our third member, though.

After school, I had my audition for that folk high school short film. I pretty much prepared it on the bus. The scene was basic enough, but I was still nervous because it's the first time I've auditioned in Sweden and kind of the first time I've really actually in Swedish since theatre school in 2004... and the guys threw me for a loop as well - I'm used to the whole enter, say me name, jump into it with a reader next to the camera... well, they wanted to do an italian read of the scene first. The director is also playing the other character in the scene. We did four italian reads, each time they wanted me to speed it up. Then they wanted to start working on the scene together and try different things, and then they wanted to improvize around the script, and then they wanted to see the version that had been my initial reaction, three times...

I had a headache by the time I got out of there. But it didn't go too badly, I don't think. Good first try at a Swedish audition I'd say, good warm-up round for the theatre school audition. But the tension from being nervous, plus smoking and not eating, left me feeling a little less than fantastic when it was all over, plus you guys (who are actors) will now what a strain it is on your energy to do an audition, or act a scene! But it feels so right, though. This is definitely what I'm meant to be doing (Mum.)

Here's something crazy: when I got home I crawled into bed immediately because of my headache, and I was feeling nauseous as well, and lights were hurting my eyes... and I actually fell asleep around eight o'clock and I slept all through the night until my alarm went off just now!

I'm alive.

Back in one piece from Stockholm, just a bit exhausted after being on social overdrive for two whole days. I told my brother on Thursday night that after this I'm entitled to at least a week's hibernation.. to which he laughed and said, nonsense, now you have to keep going like this. I take it he approves of this new and active me that gets stuff done and moves out of the confines of her living space and has pro-active interactions with other human beings.. which is fine, I can see the benefits of this, but it's just so tiring.



A recap of the weekend follows, if you're not interested you need not venture further...


I obviously didn't sleep the night before. I tried, mind you, but no such luck. I was too nervous. And those of you who know me and have seen me fret and panic over having to take one bus and meet with one person can only imagine because this weekend I lost count of the number of transportations I had to take and I had first the director guy to meet, then the four members of the jury at the dramatic institute, and then the woman who is renting out a room in her house and her spouse, and then the cute guy who is editing the director guy's previous film. So basically one encounter after another and barely a single moment to regroup in-between because the director went with me to the dramatic institute and waited for me while I was being interviewed so that we could keep talking on the way back afterwards, then I went to my brother's place and there were little human beings all around me, well there's two of them but kids have this ability to seem everywhere at once which makes it feel like they're more than they are... and then off to view the room and then back to my brother's place to crash and then barely time for breakfast (coffee) before meeting with the director guy again early next morning...

Okay I'm done venting. I'm sure none of that made sense to anyone...

This is what I wrote in the train to Stockholm:

What is my obsession with disappearing? I never felt like I really belonged anywhere, to any particular place, even these past couple of years when I found people I felt I belonged with and a lifestyle that made somewhat sense and felt like home, and made me want to stick around for a while even, still the place itself did nothing but repel me… and still, wherever I go, I feel like I’m stepping on sticky floors. It’s always an effort to keep moving forward, even though it’s the only alternative.

First things first. Meeting this director guy who could be a serial killer for all I knew... I met him. He bought me coffee. Odd bloke, but most probably not psychotic, merely bohemian... so that was all good. Then he gave me the script (what I and every film-interested person I know would have called an outline, obviously written by someone with no grasp of the swedish language and full of errors of the spelling and grammatical variety... but then again he was from Egypt so I let that slide...) to read while he went across the street to do something.. I read the monstrosity. And then spent five minutes thinking of ways to get out of this whole thing. Then five minutes telling myself I need both the work and the experience. Then five minutes asking myself if I was actually prepared to commit artistic prostitution so early on in my career? and then five minutes answering, yes, but... and then I started making changes in the script.

I know.

I couldn't help myself!

Anyways, when the guy came back I chose my words carefully (having learnt from the best, but mentioning no names... Ana.) and started suggesting away. At first he seemed less than pleased and started squirming. Then, once he put his ego and pride aside and actually started listening to me, he realized that I was actually suggesting ways to improve the story, not my own role in it, and then he became very interested...

And then I was made co-writer of the blasted thing.

Now this is good news, I realize that. But I find it hard enough to co-write with someone who is on the same page as I, but this guy is on the completely opposite end of the scale, we're talkign culture differences, gender differences, political differences, the whole spectrum. His objective with making this (sexistic, stereotype packed, soft core porno) film is to show how the culture in Europe, especially liberal countires like Sweden, have killed men's masculinity and maniless (his words, not my interpretention of them, I swear! -- my interpretation would be, things are to equal between the sexes in Europe, women don't know they place and men don't know how to control them and treat them the way they need to be treated... although he's actually used those words too, the only thing he didn't say was the word "equal", I'm thinking it's not part of his vocabulary...) I didn't say anything until he mentioned homosexuality and adoption, I swiftly let him no that I was of another opinion but there was no need for us to dicuss these things, we just needed to focus on the story and the film. He swiftly agreed. That was the end of that.

The interview at the Dramatic institute went alright... I think... Honestly, I don't know. They seemed kind of stunned all four of them. Like I was this disturbing puzzle they couldn't wrap their minds around. They hadn't got that the characters in my film were dead and woke up in the afterlife. When I told him the story in Tequila Rose their eyes grew two sizes and finally one guy asked, Exactly how many people die in your story? and a woman asked, Are we, the audience, supposed to sympatize with these characters or what is your intention? and then It's not a realistic, Swedish film is it?

Anyways, forty people were called to the interview, twelve will get into the program and I'll know if I'm one of them within a week.

The room was really cozy. The house was old and nice. The woman was not so old but nice as well. I said I liked it and I want to move in. She said feel free. So I'm moving on the first of July. She said not to worry about the rent before that, we'll take care of it once I'm settled in.

I'm just knackered right now. I don't know what to think about all of this. I'll get back to you in a week and let you know what my future looks like.

AAAAAHHHHH!

I got a letter from the Dramatic Institute in Stockholm. I've been called to an interview (step 2 in the admissions process)! And, spooky enough, my interview has been scheduled to coincide with the meeting with the film guy and the viewing of the room I want to rent, like all three are meant to be, you know? Well, keep your fingers crossed for me, guys!

Theo 1 Year

Tjockis (my cat) and I are sitting here, getting caught up with the email-checking. I just got back from Stockholm, went with my parents to my brother's place just for a few hours to celebrate Theo's first birthday.

He was cool as a cucumber and charming as always, but the older kids got a bit wired.. I don't think he got to hang on to a single present, the others were too busy fighting over them and running around and screaming and stuff.. but he was happy to just play with a couple of balloons that were hanging on the railing to the staircase. He didn't pay much attention to us when we sang to him and his sister blew out the candle on the cake, but once the stuff was in his bowl and he got to taste it, I think his eyes grew two sizes and his smile three! :)

My little brother and the parents are downstairs watching a football game right now, which I find to be the most boring thing one could possibly do, so Tjockis and I are hiding away upstairs, and in a minute I'm going to start on dinner.. just thought I'd share one thing before I end this, and that is, I got this phone call the other day.. This guy, Yassir Mustafa, is making a movie and apparantly he found my name and number on the job office's website, and he requested to see a picture of me, so I emailed him a couple and then he phoned back and said "You've got the role" (apparantly I have a romantic-looking face...) so I don't know what will come of that, but I agreed to meet him and read the script.. I'm going down to Stockholm anyway to look at a room, so I thought I might bludgeon two pigeons to death with the same blunt object and meet up with him. I'll keep you posted (that is, if he doesn't kidnap and/or murder me before I have a chance to...)

Brooding on a Monday afternoon.

Okay, so I'm making living much more complicated than it has to be. I wish I could be in the moment, but I'm not. I'm never in the moment. I'm in the past and the five different futures I can imagine at a time depending on every choice I make or don't make, but I'm never in the present. And I'm never completely present. I'm not really here. And half the time I'm not really there, wherever, either, I'm not really anywhere, if not lost. But not in terms of not knowing where I am, more so why I'm here and where I should be. The whys are always trickier than the whats... Anyway, I was sitting in this coffee shop, it's called the organic coffee house and it's on the edge of Granville Island just before the bridge and I was killing time waiting for my call time on this student film I was doing this weekend at Emily Carr (which was a disaster by the way.) and since my call time kept getting post-poned I had a lot of time to kill... and I was sitting there by one of the tables overlooking the pond outside, listening to the bagpipe music being played on the stereo and observing the ducks as they waddled around and waggled their tail feathers and nuzzled their chests and nibbled on each other's wings... and I was thinking, if you're a duck, there is just no possible way to fuck up your life is there? I mean, what could you possibly do wrong? And then I thought, have you ever seen a brooding duck? No. And then I wallowed in self-pity for a bit and wished I was a duck and then I went and shot the stupid short film. But really though, when you think about it, what is the point? I mean, is there one? Is there supposed to be one? Did I miss the boat or something, because this seems kind of... I don't, not enough, but then maybe I'm over-demanding. Maybe the moon landing did take place and I'm cynical. Maybe Jesus was actually born in December as opposed to in June. And maybe Pluto isn't a planet... it doesn't change many things, does it?

I can relate to Frank, Viggo's character in "The Indian Runner", because if this is all there is... well, that's sort of terrifying, isn't it. And liberating too, I guess.