Brooding on a Monday afternoon.

Okay, so I'm making living much more complicated than it has to be. I wish I could be in the moment, but I'm not. I'm never in the moment. I'm in the past and the five different futures I can imagine at a time depending on every choice I make or don't make, but I'm never in the present. And I'm never completely present. I'm not really here. And half the time I'm not really there, wherever, either, I'm not really anywhere, if not lost. But not in terms of not knowing where I am, more so why I'm here and where I should be. The whys are always trickier than the whats... Anyway, I was sitting in this coffee shop, it's called the organic coffee house and it's on the edge of Granville Island just before the bridge and I was killing time waiting for my call time on this student film I was doing this weekend at Emily Carr (which was a disaster by the way.) and since my call time kept getting post-poned I had a lot of time to kill... and I was sitting there by one of the tables overlooking the pond outside, listening to the bagpipe music being played on the stereo and observing the ducks as they waddled around and waggled their tail feathers and nuzzled their chests and nibbled on each other's wings... and I was thinking, if you're a duck, there is just no possible way to fuck up your life is there? I mean, what could you possibly do wrong? And then I thought, have you ever seen a brooding duck? No. And then I wallowed in self-pity for a bit and wished I was a duck and then I went and shot the stupid short film. But really though, when you think about it, what is the point? I mean, is there one? Is there supposed to be one? Did I miss the boat or something, because this seems kind of... I don't, not enough, but then maybe I'm over-demanding. Maybe the moon landing did take place and I'm cynical. Maybe Jesus was actually born in December as opposed to in June. And maybe Pluto isn't a planet... it doesn't change many things, does it?

I can relate to Frank, Viggo's character in "The Indian Runner", because if this is all there is... well, that's sort of terrifying, isn't it. And liberating too, I guess.