homeward bound

So, I've finally landed on the other side of the Atlantic ocean. It's quite odd being back home, although I haven't been home home, yet. I'm still at my big brother's place in Stockholm, and will be driving up with him, his girlfriend and my beautiful almost-one-year-old niece Milou whom I've had the privilege to meet at last. I baby-sat her last night when my brother had a meeting. She's a doll, for real. So social and adorable and plain (relatively) flawless by baby standards. We hit it off instantly, thanks to said social skills on her part, which counter-balanced the lack there-of on mine...

It's really nice being in Sweden again, though. Especially this time of year. And I don't been to sound snobbish or anything, although when it comes to this subject matter, I'm sure I am, but the north american take on christmas decorations... I'm sorry, but it's just too tacky for my taste. Here, you don't see any multi-coloured, over-sized, blinking (oh my goodness, the blinking!) christmas lights where-ever you turn or any creepy, flourescently lit plastic santa claus models or huge snowglobes (I swear, I saw one, on someone's front lawn, it was almost bigger than their porch!) Here, christmas lights are either golden yellow or snowy white, the bulbs in modest sizes and unblinking and delicately strewn across balcony railings and tree tops so as to resemble fallen stars which has stuck to the branches as opposed to... I don't know what! I can't think of any analogy, there's just no comparison on this whole earth!

Stockholm has yet to be covered in snow, though. So it doesn't quite feel like christmas yet. But I'm sure we'll have a white christmas, we always do in the end.

I've talked to my family and my best friend on the phone several times already and today I called my dear friend Ann-sofie who lives here in Stockholm and we decided to possibly meet for coffee tomorrow adternoon and then on friday evening she invited me over to her and her husbands flat for a big family dinner, all her children but one daughter will be there with their respective families, so that will probably be nice. (she said she considered me her fourth child!)

My brother and niece are home again, so I should probably go and be social. And maybe help prepare lunch (the whole routine things is apparantly huge when you're dealing with kids!)

Done.

It's been a tumultuous past month, what with my own personal problems in my private life as well as with the end of term school work, but we're finally done with our presentation now and after a critique session with our singing teacher tomorrow we're completely done with second term and I get to fly home to sweden and celebrate christmas with my family. I am so looking forward to it. Several reasons why; I haven't seen my family in eleven months and twelve days (my mother informed me today via e-mail), I haven't seen my soon-to-be one-year-old niece at all, I really need the break to breathe and take a step back from everything that is my life here in Vancouver and get some perspective on things, plus refuel myself with energy for third and last term at VFS.

I am sitting in our basement computer lounge at school right now, waiting for a belated voice class to start at three. And we all just remembered our teacher saying something about a test a while back and none of us have prepared for that at all. It never rains but it pours, eh! (sorry couldn't help it) And (here's a Fry & Laurie quote for you) sometimes it rains and pours at the same time!

so, it's all over. we finished all our presentations with our movement pieces yesterday afternoon. it was fine. of course, no-one really takes movement and the pieces seriously, so it wasn't that big a deal, unlike the day before, tuesday... that's when we performed our monologues. the scariest and most exciting thing ever. we all sat on the floor upstage against the wall, behind the actor performing, facing the audience while we waited for our turn to and after we'd done our monologue...

the scary thing was your name was drawn from a bowl so you had no idea when it was going to be your turn! and to make things even harder you had to draw two other pieces of paper for yourself once you were up there and quickly do whatever was on them, in my case it was teenage mutant ninja turtles (on the one note) in gibberish (on the other), and for example, rodrigo who went first, got arnold swatzieneigger (i have no idea how to spell his name) on ice. that was meant to get you out of your head before doing your piece, and made things a bit more light for everyone, cause most of the monologues were really intense and dark... i performed gill's and that was about her boating accident when she was eleven and it was very graphic...

anyway. i survived. we all did. and last night we went out for drinks!

i went for a coffee with cathrine before joining the guys at the pub and brett, darryl, mark and josh walked by, high as kites, they'd taken e and were heading toward granville street to get drunk and check out girls or something... i know it's none of my business now, since i broke up with him, but i couldn't help but to worry about brett for the rest of the night. i care about him so much. i hope he's fine.

intermission

my fingers numbing
the snow hugs the frame
flaking, whirling
i step off the edge
and just watch

i am a snowflake.

it was snowing today, real snow, real big snowflakes, the world was a whirlwind of white noise, and it was just like home. so that was a good thing. the singing, not so much... and we're going up tomorrow... i'm doomed.

snow again.

was smoking on cesar's window sill, the snow covered my body, my face. i was listening to janis, freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose, i'm free. we're getting dolled up to go out inte the snow and take photos of each other. the world is put on hold today.

fire, water, burn (hey that's a song...)

he kissed me under the water. in the pool. i know i shouldn't play his game. (or is it mine?) but once you've been burned you can't stop playing with fire... well, not if you're me, anyway...

i broke up withmy boyfriend this evening. now i'm at a friend's place. we got drunk on red wine(shiraz) and he passed out on the pull-out and i'm here. i won't be able to sleep. i feel... i don't know, i was feeling awful, like i was evil reincarnate but now i'm just numb (it's probably the wine)

so i'm on the verge on a nervous breakdown and my social life etc are starting to suffer from it, but i'm just going to try and ride this one out for as long as i can and either it'll pass before christmas or if it doesn't i'll be going back home to sweden over christmas hols and if that doesn't give my fucked up head and chest the space i think they need, then i don't know what it'll take...

i'm at a couple of friends' place right now, crashed here last night after the party and early morning coffee with another friend, we were going to go swimming in the pool but then realized that it was three o'clock and the pool closes at midnight, so we postponed it til this afternoon.

pointless; i am going insane.

We were supposed to read a book called "Mastery" for voice class with Ian and it's left me quite conflicted and i think i might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. But a huge mug of coffee has been brought to my attention and a pack of cigarettes are awaiting me on the porch, so I will have to make this a (very lame) cliffhanger and return to the subject at another juncture further ahead in time, i.e. too be continued...

a happy new life

so i'm back again.

i'm living in vancouver now and have done so since new year's eve 2006/2007. i am an acting student at vancouver film school and loving every moment of it. it's as though i've come home, at last.

i worry about the future though. i really want to stay here after graduation.