I just spoke to Ana on the phone!

I sneakily neglected to tell her about the post card I wrote to her this morning, so it won't be "old news" when it finally finds its way to her, unlike last time... not that it contained much news to begin with... not much has happened. I'm about halfway through the novel I'm editing. Tomorrow I have the kids' theatre group thing again. And I'm finishing up the application for the film course at the end of this week. Still unemployed, still living in my parents' basement, still had it up to here with the Swedish negativity. But things are looking up, I think. Possibly.

I have some loose ends that I need to tie up, like canceling my mobile phone plan and terminating my Canadian bank account, telling Claire I won't be going to Emily Carr after all, telling Emily Carr I won't be going there after all, what else... I'm sure there's more...

I was up all night and designed a website - the stupid codes were not very cooperative, hence the "whole night" part of that sentence - the actual layout took no time at all, I'm quite Photoshop-skilled, it's the html and css and whatnot that makes the whole thing tricky... I also discovered that the codes work differently depending on your whether you use Explorer or Firefox, why do they do that, I don't get it, I hate technology, it's fickle and spiteful and just won't do what I tell it!

Trying something different (this is for Cesar!)

What do you know... two can play this game!
Okay, I'm not good at it... but I can play it! :)
/ from Hell with love,
Ida

Girl in desperate need of some advice

Okay, here's the deal...

I got into Emily Carr University, the course starts in September, I already have a ticket booked for late August, I have somewhere to stay when I get there, the program allows you to apply for a work permit on top of your study permit (apparantly) and finding a job is much easier over there than it is here, i.e. it's not completely fucking impossible... I'd be in a creative enviroment, I'd be close to my best friends, I'd be able to work on my own projects with my friends, maybe get the production company started, plus I already have an agent who really wants me to come back... Basically, what I'm saying, is that I have a life, for sure, in Vancouver just waiting for me to come back to it...

So, why am I doubting, why am I even considering other options? I was so certain that this was the right thing for me, that it was in my path, my destiny thingy, or whatever... but now I'm not so sure anymore... It could be due to some subtle brainwashing I've suffered from my mother and that I've been soaking up the overall negativity that is polluting this town... but it just doesn't feel right anymore...

I missed all the deadlines for applying to swedish acting schools... but there is one course. It's the Dramatic Institute in Stockholm. It's a year long Basic Film scourse where you get to try everything, directiing, script writing, photography, producing and all of it... It's free. No tuition. Plus you get a grant from the gouvernment to cover your living expenses. Plus student accommodation is available. And this is what I really feel like doing.

Except I wouldn't be in Vancouver. I would be on my own and by myself and I'd be risking everything. That's what it feels like. I'd be risking everything I kind of almost have.

Mike just told me via MSN that since I have a life already established in Vancouver I can always come back to it and take my time... but Emily Carr is for this september, and who knows how long my agent is willing to wait for me, and all my friends (all one of them, okay that's an exaggeration maybe...) will all have moved on by the time I get my arse over there probably, I mean not literally whereby they've forgotten about me or anything, but they'll have started their projects and careers and everything, so I'd be on the side, I'd be that swedish friend that can come and visit their lives and go for coffee or a drink with them and it'd be good to see me again and everything, but it wouldn't be the same, because I wouldn't have walked the miles with them, I wouldn't have done the time... that's what relationships are, and love, essentially, it's not fireworks and highlights, it's suffering through the seasons together, taking a stand side by side as life throws you one obstacle after another and being there for each other through all of it and then looking back at the whole spectable and say "Huh... well, look at that. We survived that. Together." and that's the thing. You have that. And that'll forever link you together. You did the time, your relationship passed the test, you didn't fall apart.

I kind of stole half of that theory from Alan Rickman's character in "Dark harbour"...

That's a great movie, you should see it. I've seen it 17 times. I maintain that it's a thriller, but Ana and Cesar (who both agreed to watch it with me since it was my last night in Vancouver!) say it's a very slow drama. Whatever. It's good. You need to watch it at least twice.

Any advice anyone have to give me, would be nice. Mike, I got yours already but if you have something to add, feel free...

It's a new day.

This week I might have lost a friend and gained two new friends. That's fair trade, I suppose. We'll see what happens.

I'm on a breaking point right now. Whereever I look there's something unravelling or dissolving around me. It's like seeing your own destruction and resurrection in the world around you and not quite knowing how you feel about it and what side of it to look at and whether the glass you're holding, whilst looking at that person who's sitting awfully close to you but not nearly close enough because you have to keep a distance to them, is half full or half empty or if you should order a refill. Yes. I think that's what I'm trying to say. That's my amateur been reading a lot of Voltaire and Nietzsche lately attempt at philosophical reflection of the day. Life's a barsmaid. Yeah, that's deep as a puddle, isn't it.

Anyway, speaking of Nietzsche... might be having wine with afore-mentioned two new friends tonight since Hedy offered to take my shift, and paint and have deep existentialistic conversations and listen to old blues classics and all that other pretentiousness trademark of the misplaced half of the tele-generation.

I wish I played an instrument.

what am I doing here?

Following yesterday's cryptic little anecdote-thingy, I've suffered through yet another whirlwind of mind and come out on the other side somewhat refreshed and quite determined.

I am reshaping my future prospects. I lost sight for a while, but now I'm back on track. The upcoming week I'm going to devote all of my energy and focus to getting my headshots printed and paid for, new packages compiled and dropped in agencies with the objective of securing representation so that I can get out there and start auditioning for real. I need to book some gigs and flesh out my resume. I need to decide whether I want to extend my work permit for another year come spring time and be tied to one "proper" full-time employment and unable to act for a year, or whether I should move on to the UK (because I'm not going back to Sweden yet for a while)

Any thoughts from the outside that would like to filter in are much welcomed since I tend to get snowed in with my own thoughts in my head otherwise. I already talked to my best friend Ana about it briefly on the phone this morning, but we need to sit down face to face with tea and coffee respectively and discuss it in depth I think (she's one of the main components in favour of a life continued here in Vancouver as opposed to going back to Europe, after all... her and my other best friend, but he's not in town to be talked to about it at the moment, so...)

The third party that will have to be consulted is my room mate Tony, of course. But he's already proposed to me, so I already know he's thoughts on the matter.

I think I just need to get some perspective. Plus room to breathe for a while so that's I don't succumb to another depressively cynical and hopeless vicious circle; I need to open my windows, so to speak.

blue flowers.

I have been landed with a (probably psycho-somatic) head cold, this previous weekend I was running an on-and-off fever, which is always a lot of fun...

On Friday we had the screening of our Larry Kent scenes. I was quite nervous about that to say the least, but of course, in the end, it didn't match to anywhere near my worst-case-scenario mental images, so even though I wasn't entirely pleased with it, also to say the least, I was pleasantly surprised by how brief and harmless the sex scene was and how ridiculous the slashing of wrists were and how little you could actually see of my face due to a large amount of black-dyed hair was in it. So overall not too bad an experience.

Earlier in the week Gill gave me and Tony the number of her new landlord and we called her in between scenes (we were filming Gill's film last week, our second and last location shoot) and had a meeting/viewing scheduled for the end of the end of the day, and after the viewing we paid the security deposit and the place is ours; finding and securing a place has been nowhere near as painless a process as this for either of us in the past and we were rather shocked by the time we walked away from the place and the realization of how much we grew up in the span of that day came crashing down on us. I'm really excited about our new place, although I'll severely miss living with Cesar. To be honest I'd expected Cesar and I to drive each other up the walls within the first week of living together, especially in such a limited amount of space, but I can't even picture living without him now. It's us. We belong together, not apart. We compliment each other, bicker though we may, and him and Josh better get a place fairly close to ours if they end up living together after school.

Also, I'm -- well, we're -- getting a kitten, hopefully! We haven't really looked for one yet cause we don't move in until the first of April and even after that we must prioritize furnishing the place, getting head shots taken, filming our second scenes for the promo reels, working on the musical and graduating and all that stuff before we can start worrying about pets... yeah, I almost had myself convinced with that one, but no... as soon as we're in, I'm getting a kitten!

Oh, and in regards to the title of this entry, I bought some really cool blue and green flowers the other day, I was going to give them to Gill in case me and Tony ended up going over to her place for a visit, cause we've been talking about going over to meet her kitten and just hang out and stuff, but we didn't end up going that day, and also my fever got worse so I went home... but the flowers are now in mine and Cesar's apartment, two in a bottle of Cabernet Savignon and one alone in a bottle of Shiraz...

tequila rose and other unfortunates

my first meeting with nathaniel geary, the director, went fantastic. we met up in this cozy coffee shop and had an immediate connection. when we were discussing my script i could tell we were on the same page. i am so looking forward to working with him now. we start filming in a month and i have a lot of work to do on my script. plus i'm auditioning for tequila rose.

last night was a surreal nightmare. i went for dinner at earl's after school with cesar and sarah and when we got up to pay the bill and leave, my backpack had completely disappeared from its spot on the floor next to my chair. we hadn't seen anyone even walking by that side of the table and we never left it, we sat there the entire time and we didn't see anything. that backpack contained my laptop, my wallet with my visa card, all my homework and papers from school, basically my entire life. the waitresses were really nice and said it was probably some misunderstanding, they took down my information and said they'd give me a call if it showed up at the end of the night.

me and cesar went home. i logged onto my bank's website to cancel my credit card, just in case. and as i checked my account i discovered that huge amounts money were being withdrawn from it at that very minute. within an hour of losing my bag, i'd lost next to $3000 from my savings account. i phoned the police and reported it stolen, they were very unhelpful, then me and cesar tried to call the bank in sweden to cancel my card, but his phone wouldn't allow international calls, so we ran down lonsdale from gas station to gas station trying to find a international calling card. we finally did and i called the bank from a pay phone and cancelled my card.

i emailed nathaniel and asked him to email me back my script, which he just did, so that i can work on the script which needs to be rewritten by monday. tony said he'd help me contact dell on monday, because according to him they have tracking devices on their computers... i'm trying to stay positive despite my glass being as always half empty...

i am a snowflake.

it was snowing today, real snow, real big snowflakes, the world was a whirlwind of white noise, and it was just like home. so that was a good thing. the singing, not so much... and we're going up tomorrow... i'm doomed.

so i'm on the verge on a nervous breakdown and my social life etc are starting to suffer from it, but i'm just going to try and ride this one out for as long as i can and either it'll pass before christmas or if it doesn't i'll be going back home to sweden over christmas hols and if that doesn't give my fucked up head and chest the space i think they need, then i don't know what it'll take...

i'm at a couple of friends' place right now, crashed here last night after the party and early morning coffee with another friend, we were going to go swimming in the pool but then realized that it was three o'clock and the pool closes at midnight, so we postponed it til this afternoon.

a happy new life

so i'm back again.

i'm living in vancouver now and have done so since new year's eve 2006/2007. i am an acting student at vancouver film school and loving every moment of it. it's as though i've come home, at last.

i worry about the future though. i really want to stay here after graduation.