Saturday night flu

An old childhood friend contacted me and told me she's in town and invited me to go out with her and a number of her friends tonight for "a" pint. I have agreed and am now dolled up accordingly and ready to depart. I'm not meeting them for another two hours, but I figured I would put my mother's camera to good use before she returns to claim it and so am making an impromptu photo shoot on the way into town. Expect autumn leaves and fading daylight a mass.

Lesson One In How To Make Your Job As A Sales Associate Fun.

So I went and got another bottle of wine, declared my love for this Swedish girl who broke my heart all over her Facebook wall, drunk dialed some people, blacked out, then passed out, and the good news is that I'm not hungover, I'm still tipsy. And I have to get ready for work in oooh about an hour, so this will be a fun day!

Cheer up!

Just another quick note so as not to be overly negative in this thing... my agent left a message on my voice mail while I was at working, passive-aggressively folding t-shirts and avoiding the eyes of customers so I wouldn't have to pretend I was in a sunny state of mind and how can I help you, to let me know she watched my audition before she sent it off and she thought I did great. She sounded quite excited about it too, so I'm thinking she meant it.

I'm at home now. Funny how you become utterly calm at a point when you have carried the world upon your shoulders for a while, but hey jude, suck it up and get to work. Things won't change for you. You have to change things. There we go. The moral of the day. I'm done now...

GAH

I am not having a very good day off, at all. I'm really anxious right now, and I don't really know why, I mean nothing in particular has happened or gone wrong, but I'm having trouble breathing and it's messing up my ability to focus and that's very annoying. I'm supposed to be finishing the script right now, and it's almost done, just have the very last bit left to type up, not even come up with but type up, and I can't, because I can't sit still or see straight or fucking collect myself and it's driving me insane. At first I thought, well, I haven't been out of the war zone, I mean, apartment, all day so I just need some fresh air, and move my legs and get the circulation going, blood flowing, all that stuff so I went out for a walk and I got chest pains and dizzy almost immediately, like I'd been running a marathon, and I know I'm out of shape, but come on, that's just ridiculous. And I don't know what to do. I bought cigarettes, but even though smoking calms me down, it does nothing for my chest and then that makes me even more anxious since I'm a hypochondriac, and the whole vicious circle starts all over again. I hate 2009 so far, I really do. Not that 2008 was that great or any other year, except maybe 1994 and backwards, and I don't want to go back for the life of me, but come on, cut me some slack here, I just want to breathe properly, I mean is that realy too much to ask, really?

first meeting

Through the moving darkness of drunken sleep a shrill ring tone broke through, insistant, almost desperate, panicked. Finally I tore myself from unconsciousness and stumbled into the hallway, as though familiar with this apartment, answered the door and it was her and it could have been a dream but it wasn't and I went back to bed and she was lying next to me, she was talking to me, touching me, kissing me, on my cheek and the corner of my mouth, and then I sunk into sleep again and the next thing I knew it was morning, I felt sick and she was gone.

'tis the season to be anxious

So on Saturday I was feeling somewhat down, not exactly suicidal, but very Eeyore-eque, like everything is hopeless and there's no point to your existens and all that stuff. Not an alltogether nice feeling, as you can imagine.

On Sunday the world flipped over and I was upside-down for most of the night and bouncing between the walls, not literally, but almost. Not necessarily in a manic fashion, just very very uncalm, I suppose. I also started fretting about the fact that I wasn't feeling tired at all and that I wouldn't be getting any sleep and I had work in the morning, so long story short, when I found a little packet with six Tylenol cold pills I figured they would knock me out. Did they? No, no. They made me whoosy, and made me throw up in the middle of the night, and then toss and turn in cold sweat for the rest of the morning. I got up in time for work but couldn't shower properly because I got lightheaded and shaky, and the cold sweat and dizziness washed over me again, and... well, Ana and Cesar gave me hell for it later in the evening when I told them, making it sound like I'd tried to overdose or something which is preposterous because they were bloody Tylenols, but anyway... I realize it was stupid all the same and I mustn't have been thinking completely straight at the time, so I'm just writing it off as one of my antiques whilst being crazy.

Today is Monday and I've spent the entire morning writing lists which tells me that I am very anxious, but that's alright because I have to go to work now and who has time for anxiety when there are t-shirts to be folded? Later.

I love you SO MUCH, I want to rip the spine out of your back so that I can move in...

I'm still beating my way through the jungle of Vancouver acting agencies seeking representation, well, I've dropped five packages and I'm still waiting by the phone that doesn't ever ring, basically. I'm intending to get new headshots taken soon and then I will proceed my hunt in the very heart of darkness that is show biz and hopefully, if I'm lucky, I'll land an audition for a one-liner in a commercial, but then I shouldn't set my goals too high, I wouldn't want to be disappointed.

Okay. So that was the cynicism indulgence of my day. Now I'm off to smile for seven hours straight at the generous compensation that is minimum wage. Yes, that's correct. I'm still serving what little on our menues we actually have to the posh population of Kits who have come to complain about dreadful standards of Death by Chocolate. But I'm not yet dead. I think that's a bright-ish side of things.

I had three days off in the beginning of this week, however, and I was in heaven. Or at least a very comfy place. I lit a candle, opened a bottle of red and wrote the second draft of my swedish novel which has been lying useless on my USB drive for almost a year and a half now. I was very pleased with myself.

I have also discovered Dylan Moran's comedic genius. (The title of this entry is actually one of his many, many brilliant quotes.) And life is good.

blue flowers.

I have been landed with a (probably psycho-somatic) head cold, this previous weekend I was running an on-and-off fever, which is always a lot of fun...

On Friday we had the screening of our Larry Kent scenes. I was quite nervous about that to say the least, but of course, in the end, it didn't match to anywhere near my worst-case-scenario mental images, so even though I wasn't entirely pleased with it, also to say the least, I was pleasantly surprised by how brief and harmless the sex scene was and how ridiculous the slashing of wrists were and how little you could actually see of my face due to a large amount of black-dyed hair was in it. So overall not too bad an experience.

Earlier in the week Gill gave me and Tony the number of her new landlord and we called her in between scenes (we were filming Gill's film last week, our second and last location shoot) and had a meeting/viewing scheduled for the end of the end of the day, and after the viewing we paid the security deposit and the place is ours; finding and securing a place has been nowhere near as painless a process as this for either of us in the past and we were rather shocked by the time we walked away from the place and the realization of how much we grew up in the span of that day came crashing down on us. I'm really excited about our new place, although I'll severely miss living with Cesar. To be honest I'd expected Cesar and I to drive each other up the walls within the first week of living together, especially in such a limited amount of space, but I can't even picture living without him now. It's us. We belong together, not apart. We compliment each other, bicker though we may, and him and Josh better get a place fairly close to ours if they end up living together after school.

Also, I'm -- well, we're -- getting a kitten, hopefully! We haven't really looked for one yet cause we don't move in until the first of April and even after that we must prioritize furnishing the place, getting head shots taken, filming our second scenes for the promo reels, working on the musical and graduating and all that stuff before we can start worrying about pets... yeah, I almost had myself convinced with that one, but no... as soon as we're in, I'm getting a kitten!

Oh, and in regards to the title of this entry, I bought some really cool blue and green flowers the other day, I was going to give them to Gill in case me and Tony ended up going over to her place for a visit, cause we've been talking about going over to meet her kitten and just hang out and stuff, but we didn't end up going that day, and also my fever got worse so I went home... but the flowers are now in mine and Cesar's apartment, two in a bottle of Cabernet Savignon and one alone in a bottle of Shiraz...

2008, stained with red wine and anxiety and excitement, as always,

So, this is 2008. Looks rather the same to me.

We finally got some snow over here, and by some I mean the tiniest layer you could possibly imagine before it classifies as frost, just in time for the new year. I went into town and celebrated the event with a few friends of mine, and by friends i mean my one best friend and friends of his plus my darling girlfriend, and by girlfriend I unfortunately mean a friend who happens to be of the female persuasion. Every "living" soul in town, with exception for me and Fredde, felt the need to gather at the town square to listen to some wanker sing and then recite the new year speech. (I use the term "living" very loosely here, because the sight of this mass of people streaming toward the square from all directions, at a steady pace as though in a trans, hypnotized by the music, it really reminded us of a zombie movie.) They all then stare up into the sky at the fireworks financed by the very same gathering's tax money. Me and Fredde accompanied our friends to the square but decided to remain on the other side of the small river running through the town and, lounging against a streetlamp, chain smoked and mocked before-mentioned gathering like there was no tomorrow. The gathering proceeded to bombard us with fireworks by paying their taxes a year or so in advance, but our sarcasm and the fact that there was almost no tomorrow spurred us on and we prevailed.

When our, and by our I mean mostly Fredde's, friends decided to throw tradition to the wind and leave the square and go and get properly smashed in one of our local pubs, our spirits rose considerably. I stuck to red wine all night and stayed romantically tipsy and it went no further than that.

I don't know what part of me is the biggest right now and if the future year or the future in general frightens or excites me, possibly both at the same time with me being quite self-destructive in nature and a bit of a closet adrenaline junkie, but I suppose it doesn't really matter at the end of the day, because the future keeps looming over me either way and I can either try and hide from it, follow its flow, or try and create it as I go along.

i am a snowflake.

it was snowing today, real snow, real big snowflakes, the world was a whirlwind of white noise, and it was just like home. so that was a good thing. the singing, not so much... and we're going up tomorrow... i'm doomed.

so i'm on the verge on a nervous breakdown and my social life etc are starting to suffer from it, but i'm just going to try and ride this one out for as long as i can and either it'll pass before christmas or if it doesn't i'll be going back home to sweden over christmas hols and if that doesn't give my fucked up head and chest the space i think they need, then i don't know what it'll take...

i'm at a couple of friends' place right now, crashed here last night after the party and early morning coffee with another friend, we were going to go swimming in the pool but then realized that it was three o'clock and the pool closes at midnight, so we postponed it til this afternoon.

pointless; i am going insane.

We were supposed to read a book called "Mastery" for voice class with Ian and it's left me quite conflicted and i think i might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. But a huge mug of coffee has been brought to my attention and a pack of cigarettes are awaiting me on the porch, so I will have to make this a (very lame) cliffhanger and return to the subject at another juncture further ahead in time, i.e. too be continued...