Is a dream a lie if it won't come true, or is it something worse?

Back in the real world for a breather and some email-checking. My mum and I have had the island all to ourselves in the past couple of days, well Tjockis was there too, but no males, so it was quite relaxing, although I got a bit restless and I couldn't concentrate on much, and to top it all my foot is killing me for no legitimate reason what so ever. But I will not bore you with my hypochondriac nonsense--I have figured out the story of my novel, which is about time seeing as I finished the first draft of it about five years ago, but it keeps changing and I think now it's done (I just have to type it up) and now title even makes sense for the first time! Isn't it wicked how that works, it's like my old Creative Writing teacher once said, "The poetry always knows better than the Poet..." and I know the fact that I'm willing to admit I don't know absolutely everything, in itself, might come as a bit of a shock to most people bothering with this blog, but there you have it--I'm feeling a bit stronger, or should I say, I'm back to square one, and hopefully it'll keep getting better from here... time will tell, dear friends.

I actually ventures out into the "real" world the other day and night, and went out out for the first time since I moved back to Sweden, was social to the t and had a jolly enough time drinking a couple of wines at Tess's place, we even brought out a board game and I teamed up with Jenz who knows the boring categories so we obviously won, and then my darling friend Fredde got a bit too obnoxious and drunk and Tess got a bit fed up and there was a mutual agreement to end the game. After that I tagged along to the pub. We only lost three people on the way. It was kareoke night. Fun. I didn't go up and sing, much to the pleasure of most, but Fredde and the special guest appearance Mattias Frunck did, together, it was magical. I danced a bit, entered into a discussion on S&M and smoked too many cigarettes. Then I spent the night at Fredde's couch and didn't talk him out of calling in sick the next morning, so I was even a bad influence. See, I can play the game from time to time...

I can't wait for school to start. I miss having kindred spirits around me. Despite the drama, I wither away when I'm alone with my madness, I need someone to share it with. If that makes any sense. You know, I feel like an alien most of the time. What gives people the right? I mustn't think dark thoughts though, cause then there's a snowball-effect of despair and before I know it I stop believing in world peace and good and the possibility of change. I have to believe in those things. I think everyone does. Or you become depressed and irrational and rotten inside. I don't want to be rotten. I want to change things. I want to believe, to quote Fox Mulder.

And I want to see my loves, more than anything else, just for a moment, a minute, coffee and gossip and just anything to recharge my batteries!

Patience... Patience... Breathe in, breathe out.

I just finished watching a documentary on Marlon Brando. I really want to see that weird French movie he did, Last tango in Paris. And I want A streetcar named desire on DVD, for some reason. That title reminds me of Death by Chcocolate. I wonder how Hedy is... I never said Good Bye to her.

B12 & The Halfblood Prince

So far these B12 pills are quite counter-productive, I've never felt so drained and exhausted and weak and useless in my life. I'm too tired to sleep and I'm too tired to be awake. And today I have to find the energy to get my self-pitying behind into town and visit the job office so that I can get a stupid piece of paper.

Treated my family to the premiere of The Halfblood Prince. I was not disappointed by it. In fact, I'd go as far as to say it's been my favourite out of the films (perhaps because it's my least favourite out of the books that has so far been made into films... in that case, I know I'll love the 7th film...) Lots of nice Draco moments, as well as a couple of Snape and McGonnagal moments. But as I said heading into town, they have no choice but to pay attention to Draco and Snape in this film, and they can't cut out their scenes, because they're scenes are the actual plot. Well, the plot that isn't about snogging, anyways. The interesting plot.

Today, I'm there.

summer stuff.

Went on a family excursion to a zoo/amusement park that used to hold some sort of value when I was just tall enough to ride the roller coaster, a roller coaster which incidentally had been removed and replaced by a bouncy castle. However, taking the little niece on a few stomach-tickling-for-those-under-four rides was well worth it. You know, second hand fun.

Also, petting the weird-looking-as-always camels made up for the traumatic experience of seeing the two orangutans locked in, sitting slumped against their respective windows, gazing out and looking clinically depressed.

And entering into the little house with all the snakes and stuff, and this one section where the snakes and the turtles were not in cages, and my little brother walking ahead of me, jumping when I acted as though I saw something above or ahead of him (he's phobic of snakes! it's awesome!)

And my carefully planned-out and constructed pasta salad was of course a hit, as always, and we dragged more than half of it with us home again, most of which I ate for supper thank you very much, because I, unlike everyone else I know, actually like healthy food.

Well, the sun seems to have no intention to call a retreat. Thankfully, my ever so resourceful mother, who pretends to understand these things, is yet again one step ahead. Meaning she has purchased a new bottle of sunblock. Now there's the Nectar of my Paradise. Doesn't seem to prevent a tan from forming though. I am a definite shade darker than I was a couple of weeks ago, and I don't like it one bit. And my hair. I remember a time when it used to be dark. Alas, such fleeting a trickster is the Past!... yeah, it's all faded red-ish brown, with hints of blond streaks...

Anyways, I'm home for a brief checking of emails while my dad fetches something for whatever it is that needs fixing on the island and my baby brother is driving around on his moped or doing cartwheels or something...

I told him I was going to try and do some writing today, at least for an hour, and the effect was immediate, as you wouldn't believe! Frown in place, knees bobbing frantically up and down, hands wringing, and I literally hear the wheels turning inside that busy head of his, he got that anxious at the idea of being left to his own devices for as long as an hour. He's that dependent and restless. I remember being out on that island as a kid, and they had to literally drag me from my fantacy worlds and games in the water or the woods to get me to eat some lunch or go to bed. I would drag myself out of bed in the morning, force down some breakfast, go straight for a swim, and then I wouldn't be seen or heard from for hours -- my mother used to call out my name once in a while to make sure I was still alive, but other than that, I was off somewhere in my "own little world", my brother though, he is completely helpless, can't do anything by himself, has no imaginatiuon, doesn't like toys (well, he's 14, now, but when he was younger he didn't) someone always has to entertain him and keep him busy, or he'll go beserk or something! It's amazing... now, I don't mind playing badminton and darts and board games (except he's a terrible loser as well as winner), swimming and diving and whatever it is we get up to, because I get bored and restless as well, nowadays, but I really need to finish this book, and I'll never get around to it if I have to babysit 24-7.

Tjockis (my cat) is more or less living on the island now. Living in the wild. She's so like me, though. I had another cat, Harry, I got him when I turned five, and he died a couple of years ago at the age of 13, and he was the coolest, calmest, kindest cat you'd ever have met. He couldn't even be bothered to hunt mice or birds or bugs or anything. All he cared about was eating, napping, and cuddling. That's it. He never even liked to play with toys or string or anything as a kitten, he was so lazy, but affectionate. I remember when we went to see the kittens the first time, it was friend of mum who had them, her cat had given birth to three kittens, one black female called Doris, one red male called Sickan and Harry, who was also a red male. (Those are names of three characters from a series of swedish movies, by the way.. so Harry's full name would have been Dynamite Harry. Which was pretty cool, but I still wanted to name him Batman. Overruled.) And the other two were playing around and stuff, not Harry. Someone lifted him up and handed him to me, and he put his claws in the fabric of my shirt and clung to the middle of my chest like he was hugging me, and that was it. Love at first cuddle. Anyways, when were on the island in the summer, he would disappear during the day, and all you had to do to figure out where he was, was to look at the sun... see, what he did, was follow the sun all around the island, and just lie and bask in the warmth, and nap, and then when the sun would set, he'd be by the dock and he'd just take the footpath up to the cottage and go and lie down inside instead. Well, Tjockis, on the other hand... guess what, she lies in the shade. And she stays up late at night with me, and then sometimes she gets these bursts of energy some time after midnight where she runs around, she'll run straight across the room and glide over the floor and crash into the wall, or she'll run across the room and up onto the back of a couch and then jump down, or something.. she's adorable. I can't belive I'm going to move away form her again!

A day for camels.

My dad and I drove down to Stockholm with most of my things today. It was tedious four-hour-round trip stuck in the car, but on the way home there was signage eluding to free coffee, so we took a detour and took the sign people up on in, and that gave us the extra boost to make it home.

Now I'm severely exhausted, mainly cause I haven't slept in about a month and I'm also withering away on the inside for three reasons, one of them being that I'm in "pending mode" (or purgatory as I also like to call it) yet again and whenever I am I seem to go into mental and emotional hibernation for some reason.. I need to find the energy to finish my novel this month, if I can only get it done, I know I'm going to feel a weight lift from my shoulders or chest or wherever it's located, possibly my head..

I also had an idea for a drama. It involves an unwanted pregnancy, a dysfunctional family, lots of guilt and the bending of gender roles, as well as some testimonies of Fate's twisted sense of humor. Sounds like it's been done before, doesn't it.. well, we'll see..