Just your normal Saturday night.

I've been sitting here, editing my novel for the past eleven hours without a break, now my brain feels like mush and I doubt even a zombie would want at it at this point.

Also, I was thinking.. I'm losing my ideals lately, and my silver lining hope from my childhood, you know, I used to believe that it was possible to change the world, that there could be world peace, and I still want to believe all that so much, I want to believe anything is possible, I want to believe in the good in people, I want to believe there is a point and purpose to there horrors that occur all around the world every second of every day, and I want to believe that people actually give a shit, and that they try and make a difference, and they're not sheep nor evil, and I want to believe that I can still save the world, like I used to when I was little.. and it makes me despair a bit, and I get sort of depressed, and frustrated, and I just want to hide under a blanket until wither away from starvation and dehydration when I start to realize that maybe I don't believe any of that any more..

I'm Frank in the bar scene (The Indian Runner) and just like Frank, I don't have it in me to get up off my arse and exit that bar, and face the real world, and like Frank I feel like I'm about to explode sometimes. Except I wouldn't beat a bartender to death with bar stool. I don't think.

Well. On a more positive note. There's this company called Wallmans in Scandinavia (?) and they do shows and dinner theatre and stuff like that, and I remember one time when I was a kid and visiting my brother here in Stockholm, it was when he'd first moved down here, and they still did the Water Festival every summer, and it was summer and we went to the festival, and there were a couple of girls and a couple of guys from the Wallmans ensemble performing there, and I remember being in awe of these charismatic, fun, dazzling people, and I remember wanting to do that, and be like that (I was a shy little thing with stage fright at the time) and anyways, even though I rather do film or plays than dinner theatre, it would still be fun to try it, I think it's something similar to what you did before, Cesar, where you serve the customers as well as entertain them on stage and stuff like that.. well, I'd forgotten all about them, but then my brother sent me a text message this morning, telling me they're auditioning this wednesday, and that I should go check out their website, so I did, and it said they didn't want any CVs or anything, but they wanted exceptional people who can waggle their ears (!) or juggle or something, I can do neither of course, but I still sent them an emailing introducing myself, so we'll see if they give me a chance to audition.. I don't know what reply I'm hoping for, to be honest.. I'm a nervous wreck when it comes to regular auditions with sides and serious dialogue and whatnot, but I have no idea what to do for this kind of audition, they're probably expecting some Singing In The Rain bullshit, and I'll just freeze up, make a lame joke, and fall down dead. Most likely.

Well, it's not like I'm really going to have time for this kind of thing right now anyways, what with school and stuff. I start Monday. I can't wait. I'm really nervous, though, because I don't honestly know what to expect or what they expect form me.. and the teacher did say at the barbecue yesterday that we shouldn't worry, because they'd chosen us ten (one was missing and one dropped out at the last minute, they're going to try and get a hold of one of the other ones that they had put as reserves..) out of all the ones who first applied, and then those who got called for interviews, and she said we were all exceptionally talented and it's up to her and the other teachers to help show us how to best utilize our talent.. and.. stuff. But what if you just got really lucky and then you're not as good as they thought you would be and then on top of that you don't improve at all? Huh, what then?

One of the girls from my new class, Min, invited everyone to come to this party she's throwing with her friends. It's tomorrow. I know I should go, because I need to be social from the get-go, but I also wanted to finish editing this stupid novel before the weekend's over, plus it's called an ABC party... Anything But Clothes... and I am not going to a party wrapped in my yoga mat.

I should get some sleep. Or eat something, maybe, that would be a good idea.. no, actually, they have a friend visiting, so I'm not venturing outside the limits of my room. I'll sneak out in the morning and grab some coffee and a sandwich..

Well, good night.

Is a dream a lie if it won't come true, or is it something worse?

Back in the real world for a breather and some email-checking. My mum and I have had the island all to ourselves in the past couple of days, well Tjockis was there too, but no males, so it was quite relaxing, although I got a bit restless and I couldn't concentrate on much, and to top it all my foot is killing me for no legitimate reason what so ever. But I will not bore you with my hypochondriac nonsense--I have figured out the story of my novel, which is about time seeing as I finished the first draft of it about five years ago, but it keeps changing and I think now it's done (I just have to type it up) and now title even makes sense for the first time! Isn't it wicked how that works, it's like my old Creative Writing teacher once said, "The poetry always knows better than the Poet..." and I know the fact that I'm willing to admit I don't know absolutely everything, in itself, might come as a bit of a shock to most people bothering with this blog, but there you have it--I'm feeling a bit stronger, or should I say, I'm back to square one, and hopefully it'll keep getting better from here... time will tell, dear friends.

I actually ventures out into the "real" world the other day and night, and went out out for the first time since I moved back to Sweden, was social to the t and had a jolly enough time drinking a couple of wines at Tess's place, we even brought out a board game and I teamed up with Jenz who knows the boring categories so we obviously won, and then my darling friend Fredde got a bit too obnoxious and drunk and Tess got a bit fed up and there was a mutual agreement to end the game. After that I tagged along to the pub. We only lost three people on the way. It was kareoke night. Fun. I didn't go up and sing, much to the pleasure of most, but Fredde and the special guest appearance Mattias Frunck did, together, it was magical. I danced a bit, entered into a discussion on S&M and smoked too many cigarettes. Then I spent the night at Fredde's couch and didn't talk him out of calling in sick the next morning, so I was even a bad influence. See, I can play the game from time to time...

I can't wait for school to start. I miss having kindred spirits around me. Despite the drama, I wither away when I'm alone with my madness, I need someone to share it with. If that makes any sense. You know, I feel like an alien most of the time. What gives people the right? I mustn't think dark thoughts though, cause then there's a snowball-effect of despair and before I know it I stop believing in world peace and good and the possibility of change. I have to believe in those things. I think everyone does. Or you become depressed and irrational and rotten inside. I don't want to be rotten. I want to change things. I want to believe, to quote Fox Mulder.

And I want to see my loves, more than anything else, just for a moment, a minute, coffee and gossip and just anything to recharge my batteries!

Patience... Patience... Breathe in, breathe out.

I just finished watching a documentary on Marlon Brando. I really want to see that weird French movie he did, Last tango in Paris. And I want A streetcar named desire on DVD, for some reason. That title reminds me of Death by Chcocolate. I wonder how Hedy is... I never said Good Bye to her.