Feeling proud and accomplished for the first time in MONTHS

I finally sat down and finished the fifth draft of my screenplay! :)

And here they are...

Short films and such

Finally got around to ripping the Vancouver Film School DVD and selecting the few acceptable clips from the short "Tequila Rose" (that I -- I'm ashamed to admit -- wrote the script for, in addition to playing the title role) and I've edited those together into a trailer-like show reel. Because there's not way I'm ever show the whole thing to anyone, since the good moments are severely over-shadowed by the horror that is the rest of the film. And the director, photographer and editor managed to put something together that is nowhere near what I'd intended with the script, so I don't want people to think I actually wrote that. The script wasn't that good to begin with, but it sure wasn't a sketch from SNL and that's what the end result resembles.

Had a meeting with Tove, the photographer who's going to shoot my short film that I'm preparing now, and talked about the cinematography. And yesterday I met up with Anja and we talked a little about the short as well, amongst everything else between the sky and the earth, as we are wont to do when we see each other. I'm trying to coax her into helping me with the casting in addition to being Assistant Director during the shoot. She really wants to, but she's got a lot on her plate right now with school and her own projects, so it's a matter of having the time. But I'm sure we'll make it work somehow.

And how are you..

I've just realized that since my last neurotic hair-cutting, I now have almost exact same hairstyle and colour as I did when I cut off my hair halfway through sixth grade; can we say "full circle"?

Today, I'm writing a new synopsis to my screenplay, to sort through the chaos in my own mind, but also in order to send to my mentor-person-thingy and have her read it, to see if we're on the same page at all, because after her last feedback, I'm beginning to think we're talking about different stories and different characters. Also, I'm going to translate it into english so that Ana Maria can read it and give me some tips on how to pitch the story, since my attempt at the Gothenburg festival went South very quickly and she's actually great at pitching stories, I remember her telling me once.

But first, I'm writing it in Swedish. And later today, well tonight, really, I'm meeting up with Tove who's agreed to film my short, and we're going to sit down and discuss the cinematography and such. Fun, fun.

Because the night

I'm flying high on mania and Valerian root pills, listening to "Because the night" with Patti Smith, trying to sit still and write, can't though, I got feedback from my mentor thing person on the revised acts one and two just now, well a bit ago, and really, I'm pretty sure I'm not being sensitive here but it's up the walls, completely off the mark, or maybe I am reading it wrong I don't know, but from what I can tell we're not on the same page at all, and I really thought we were and now I'm really reluctant to the whole thing; plus I haven't even met this person and that doesn't feel very good at all; I've just been going through the screenplay (the one written down as well as the one in my head, as crazy as that sounds, I know) and jotted down little notes on each scene etc, to get an overview on the whole story, just to make sure that I'm at least on the same page as myself -- I am -- and she's missing a couple of really essential points, and a couple of other things she said makes sense but that's details, not important right now, and hey Patti Smith is definitely joining Tori Amos in the inspiration soundtrack, and System of a down as well.

I feel feverish, I need some fresh air or something, think I should open a window for aminute. The meeting with the producer and her director friend went great, well fine, it was relaxed and nice, and they seem genuinely interested, they're in the middle of that director's short though, shooting this weekend, so they told me to gather some inspiration pictures and music and stuff, and then we'll get in touch again next week. Spotify is really great, but I hate the commercial breaks -- and they're put on pause when you hit the mute button on your computer did you know that? That's ridiculous!

Life sucks, then you die.

I thought today was friday. It's not. It's saturday, which means I have to go downtown and clean my sister-in-law's office. It's thrown my entire plan for today. I'm such a Rainman. Really.

Dad transferred some money into my account yesterday so that I could buy coffee, and something to eat. Made my weekend. Well, until now.

And I'm stressing about future now, just because I'm stressed about today, I don't know how that works but that's what I always do, I get stressed about one little thing, and all the stress about everything else that's not even topical or even real. Well, having to move again at the end of May is real, all too real, in fact that's so real I can't even deal with it, so I'm not actually stressed about that.

I'm stressed about the plan. About bartender training and moving to the UK and all that stuff. Because Mum rained on that parade, as was to be expected. My big brother Fredrik sort of did as well, but then I think he felt bad about it, especially after Mum phoned, and he kind of ambiguously took my side when I was venting about what she'd said, but then my sister-in-law Annelie, who is the voice of reason always, poked a whole in the plan as well, saying that bartendering is even harder on the back than waitressing, so that excuse didn't fly. And if I wanted to work as a bartender, I should find a place where they're willing to teach me, that way I actually get paid for learning, as opposed to saving up for an expensive course. Which makes sense and sounds so simple when she says it, but... yeah, I'm not even going to go into it. The point is, I hear all of their voices now saying, "You want to make a career as bartender now? Bartendering, that's your dream job, is it? Waitressing is nothing compared to bartendering. How expensive is the course anyway? You don't even drink coctails!" etc, etc...

But they're missing the point completely, obviously I could care less about bartendering and coctails, I want to make films, you'd think they would have grasped that about now. That's my dream job, that's what I'm passionate about, acting, writing and directing, that's it.

Now, I'm just trying to come up with a "day job" that I can stand, that pays my rent, that leaves my days open, that has a flexible schedule and that I'm qualified for, and I can't stand waitressing anymore. So, that's all I can come up with. Anyone else has got a better idea, please, I'm all ears...

"Come on, come on..."

Okay. Breathe. Just take it one day at a time (thinking immediately of Sandra Bullock in "28 days" saying: "Like two or three days at a time is an option!") and focus, get stuff done, keep moving, forward, any forward motion counts. I need to finish this screenplay. I need to get this short film made. I need to work as much as humaly possible. And I need to find a way to afford to travel, to see my love, my best friend, and to move to the UK and start over again. How many times can a person start over anyway? I'm really like a cat. I've got nine lives.

Re-watching "Rescue me", translating my short film script into English so that Ana Maria can read it and give me her input. Anyone else wants to volunteer, give me a shout. But I warn you, the dialogue isn't very good, becuase I'm just translating it directly from Swedish, just to get the point across, I don't have time to translate the script properly right now.

New plan for the future

1. make at least two short films in Stockholm (whilst auditioning for whatever I can get)
2. go to Norway and work and save up money (whilst re-writing my novel/writing a bunch of scripts)
3. take a one-month bartender course on Kos island (Greece)
4. go to London and find a bartender job, collective living, acting as well as literary agent
5. make connections in the film industry and get more of my own films made, as well as audition like crazy

How does that sound?

It never ends

The theology student who owns this flat just phoned and woke me up to say that he won't be renewing my contract at the end of May after all, because he's decided to move back on the first of June instead of at the end of summer like he first told me. So now I have to find a new place to live as well.

If I had money, I'd pack my big backpack and head to the UK. But I'm broke on top of everything else. I'm going to see about that other temp agency for schools today, and then I'm going to swing by my brother's place and see if I can score some coffee (mine is running out at home)

Good news is that I'm only one sleepless night away from finishing the fifth draft of the script, I have the third act written out in notes (got that done when I worked for four hours yesterday) now I just have to sit down and type it up.

After work yesterday I met up with another freelance film-maker who is making a music video for this metal band and I'm going to be his FAD, it doesn't pay anything, but it's another cred at least.

Oh and I wrote this poem in Gothenburg after the pitch.

A. O. 2011-01-29

"Your Morse coded gazes and fidgeting fingers trap me
your arms shooting out, your lips flapping
it holds me transfixed, the noise of your voice
as it cuts through the air between us
it reminds me of waves lapping,
I imagine them stroking
over my life-less body
incomprehensible and eroding
I stare at your lips and the glaze of your eyes
like watered down blood
hugging the edges of the pavement where I stomp
on a half-smoked cigarette butt, twist my foot
and grind the ashes into the cracks between the stones
I imagine that too
and you dancing, unnoticed
in the middle of the street
under a rickety umbrella that is snatched
by the wind as the rain turns to hail."

Snow day

Okay, so Snow is back, with a vengeance. It started yesterday while I was at work, sitting in my little outside cubicle all by myself, dealing with the occasional "drive-through" customer, that got more and more scarce as the weather got steadily worse. Getting home was a nightmare, but I got here. This morning I wake up to Narnia... and realize getting to work will be a nightmare on the scale of Hellraiser (just watched Hellraiser part 6: Hellseeker for the first time - because: Dean Winters - and it's the only Hellraiser film I've seen, but it was hilarious)

I go onto the SL website to check the traffic, and yes... the commuter trains (I completely made that translation up) are all cancelled, the buses are all unreliable as well as unbelievably late and/or cancelled and the rest of the public transport system, with Tvärbanan (Crossway line) and the tube, is probably up the walls as well, I didn't check those because I take two buses and a train to get to work at this particular place, so I was already screwed.

But it's understandable, I mean, it's not like we ever get snow in Sweden, so of course the the public transit company are going to be unprepared for it... so, I had to call the temp agency and let them know I couldn't make it into work. Part of me is a little relieved, because I feel a cold or something coming on and I wasn't particularly looking forward to heading out in this storm, but at the same time I hate to give up my hours when I really need them and I'm really fit to work, it's just so annoying.

And now I have literally no excuse not to work in my fifth draft, do I...

breaking up

I'm meeting up with me former room-mate and friend today to have the Talk, and I've been dreading it for months because I'm not very good at giving people closure, when I tried it with my ex boyfriend, he got it in his head that there was still a chance for us, so no.. not very good at Talks, at all. I seem to pend between "impossible to take in"-ruthless and "easy to misinterpreted"-sugar-coat, neither of which is very helpful. Why can't we just emotionally detach, then cut off all contact, and avoid each other forever? it really works fine, really!

Just got myself a job interview for a temp agency for personnel working in comprehensive schools and preschools. I talked to a girl from the retail pool I work for who works for this temp agency as well, and she said she always gets work through them and that I'm definitely qualified to apply even though I'm not studying to become a teacher. So my interview is scheduled for Valentine's day, cross your fingers. I'd really rather work in a kindergarten or a school, than in retail. Plus, I think that'll be better for my back as well as my mind.

Peter Pan and a Manic-Depressive Mermaid

One of the cafés that I went to in Gothenburg had this book case with a bunch of books that you could take for free, with labels for this website called bookcrossing.com and basically, you sign up a book there and then you give it away, and then every person who takes it to read will make a note of it at the website before passing it along and that way you can follow your books travels. I thought it was a lovely idea. I took a paper back of "Peter Pan" and read it yesterday at work, now I'm going to check out the website and see if there's a listing of places that hosts the books and if there's one in Stockholm where I can exchange the book for a different one. Maybe add my own.


Had another idea for a film on the train home last night. A romantic/family drama about a single mum who falls in love with a much younger woman who turns out to be bipolar (unmedicated) and it brings her and her daughter closer together in the end, told with a magical shimmer from being viewed through a child's perspective. I was thinking that the first time they see the young woman, they're at the beach, and the little girl gets it into her head that she's a mermaid (kind of like the kid in "The reflecting skin" who thinks the lonely widow is a vampire) and later when they get to know each other and bond, the young woman plays along with the idea, making up stories about her home in the sea, and in the end when she drowns herself, the little girl is convinced that she's just gone back home, and her mother lets her think that, but it's clear to the audience what's really happened. (Although there's definitely an element of questioning, who's right, the child's imagination or the adult's fear-riddled narrow view of the world) And that's the kind of thing that happens all throughout the story, and that's what I'd think make the young woman's ummedicated condition (bipolar disorder) interesting too, if it were perceived through a child's eyes, her extremes explained with child logic. So, what do you guys think of that idea?