Nothing particular

It's insanely warm, and it's only going to get worse. Taking advantage of the long weekend, I've been holed up in my room for the past 72 or so hours, watching films and rearranging my piles of notes and ideas for stories, putting my two vinyl records (Iron Maiden and Blue Oyster Cult) on the window sill to block out the sun light where the blinds aren't covering. I've been on an Adrien Brody kick (Some awesomeness: , and before that it was a lot of Ben Stiller for some reason, and before that I discovered two new favourite actors, Peter Dinklage (Must see: The Station Agent from 2003) and Rinko Kikuchi whom I'd seen in Map of the sounds of Tokyo but since I hated the film with all of my being, she didn't stick with me at the time, even though I thought she was doing a good job in that as well, it wasn't until I saw her in The brothers Bloom from 2008 that I fell in love with her. The character she plays in that is awesome as well, so that might have something to do with it. I'm sure I won't be as thrilled with her/her character in Norwegian Wood (if I even watch it) since I couldn't even finish that book (Sorry Ana, if you happen to read this) because I hated it so much.

It always breaks my heart to go through all of my notes, because I have all these stories that are basically finished and just waiting for me to write them down, and I'm thinking maybe I'll never get around to it, and they'll never be told.

Hell yeah.

So the key to not go crazy and depress the hell out of myself, apparently, is... get out of the house and/or talk to a close friend, i.e. get out of my own head.

And today I've been really good, because I've done both. First, I talked to my sunshine, Cesar, via Skype -- twice! -- and when he had to leave for work, I left the house and went into town to have coffee with my closest (if not only) friend in Stockholm, Anja, at this queer-friendly, cozy coffee shop called Copacabana by the water at Hornstull that is my new favourite place in all of Stockholm (Cesar you would love it there!)

And sitting there chatting away with Anja, and before that when I was catching up with Cesar, it's like the weights in my chest and on my back are lifted and a curtain is drawn aside and I can see clearly, and everything feels possible, as opposed to when I'm pacing and brooding in my room or tossing and turning in me bed and nothing seems possible.

So I'm going finish my current work-in-progress scripts, I'm going to seriously start planning pre-production on one of the shorter ones, and I'm going to look into moving to London next. I'm thinking of doing my next internship period for this course at some production company or with some film-maker there and start making some connections, then I'm thinking of looking into some bartender courses over there and as soon as I've made some shorts, I'll relocate and somehow, I don't know exactly how yet, but somehow I'm going to convince Cesar to move there too (Anja's already on board; anyone else want to join in.. do it!) and we're going to have an awesome film collective for a while and really build up a good resume (after that, the states or Canada or film school in Edinburgh or something completely different, we'll see!) so that's the plan. I'm excited. Tell me what you think !

Between purposes.

So after the second and final screening I went into hiding, or hibernating, for about a week. I skived off the graduation spectacle, and the class brunch, and shut myself in my room and watched movies and wrote a feature length screenplay. I've become something resembling a human being again since then, actually hung out with Tobbe and Min from class two days in a row, and now I'm relishing the fact that I seem to have internet at home again, for however long it'll last.

And I'm also itching to set up a web hosting account and rebuild my website more professionally or at least seriously but that is a very bad idea since I haven't got a job for the summer yet and won't be able to pay next month's rent, not to mention the mandatory get-together with the new class at the new school for the first few days which means I have to get myself from Stockholm to way off somewhere else in the country, pay for housing and feed myself whilst there. I had this half-baked naïve notion that I wouldn't have to get another grant for this year since it's mainly study-from-home and I'd be able to have a job and make some money at the same time, haah, yeah right! Well, to be honest, what with all the buzz at the end of (previous) school and then going MIA for a week, I haven't really had the time to put my back into looking for a job, but I'll get started on that for real first thing monday. But I think I'll apply for a grant for the first term anyway, just in case, and if I do happen to find enough work during that time, I won't apply for a grant for the second term. Not that it matters either way. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt already and there's no way I'll be able to pay it off, so what's another year going to do...

Possible good news on the film front, though. I might have a job on a novella film being shot this summer. Caroline, whom I did the internship on the zombie film with, has asked me to help her out with the casting, and maybe I'll get to tag along for the shoot as well, probably as an extras co-ordinator since that's what I mainly did on the zombie film. And unless they're shooting when I need to be in my new school. I really hope not because I'd really like to come, they'll be shooting at least one scene in London (at Gordon Ramsey's restaurant!) and that's just cool.

Keeping busy!

I'm having a blast at my internship. I'm working as the 2nd assistent director on one of the final films of the 3rd years at Dramatiska Institutet, his name is Hugo Lilja, and he wrote the script and is going to direct it as well. Mostly I've been working with Caroline Holgersson who has been brought in by the school to work as AD. She's really cool. They all are. And the film will probably be awesome to shoot as well, because it's a zombieflick set in 2032. We shoot in February.

And then in January I'll be combining my duties on this project on another internship that I got yesterday working as an editor's assistent on one of the other final films, that is going to be shot in Argentina in January. Hopefully I'll manage to juggle both responsibilities without going crazy!

Today I got "time off" though, since Caroline was busy elsewhere and we didn't have any castings scheduled, so I could stay at home and if something turned up do that from here. But Caroline hasn't called, so I've been working on the treatmeant for my feature-length screenplay all day. I feel energized since I started working again. I think that might have been the root of my down this time, going from the high of shooting. So my solution: keep busy!

I went to the gym last night. I was supposed to go to my Wednesday night yoga session. But spontaneously ended up trying something new instead; it's called easy line, and it was the most fun, and exhausting thing I've ever endured. I ache everywhere today, but in a good way. And I can't wait to go back! I've planned a weekly work-out schedule for myself so that I can combine the harder workouts for condition and muscles of easy line and core with yoga and rest. So on a good week I'll be working out five days out of seven. But in reality I don't see that happening, because I'm supposed to go to yoga tonight, but I got a text from Kalle saying that he was available to edit tonight, so that has to come first. It's okay though, there's another yoga session tomorrow that I could do instead of easy line, and on Sunday as well.

I've been listening to Finntroll all day. That helps keep your mood light too. 

edit.

So last weekend I dressed up as Thelma from "Thelma & Louise" and went to a queer feminist film festival / party with Anja from my class (who dressed as Louise), we had our pictures taken with prop guns and had a few beers, saw a hilarious short film called "Revolutionärerna" and that was about as fun as it got, but it was still nice. The evening ended at a bit of an anti-climax but we still had a good time, all things considering...

I published a post before going out, telling you about this, but I deleted it because some jackass left a whole bunch terrible "poetry" in a comment and I couldn't figure out how to delete the comment and it really annoyed me, so I deleted the whole post...

In my reply to your comment, Cesar, I said that I miss you a lot today, and let's see if you'll notice that I'm thinking about you.

Future Brain Storms

I just sent the director an email telling him off. It felt good.

On another positive note, the other day I was trying to convince my dad to read this book that used to be my favourite for the longest time as a kid, "Tordyveln flyger i skymningen" by Maria Gripe (I don't think it's been translated to english, but I'm not sure. I know my second favourite of hers has, it's called "Agnes Cecilia" and can be found in the kids' section at the Vancouver Public Library for those of you in Van...) and as we were talking my mum jumped in and started reminiscing with me about the story (we read it together the first time) and then she said, "I wonder why no-one's made a movie about that one" (they did about "Agnes Cecilia"...) and so when we got home I went online and did some research, maybe there had been a movie but we just hadn't come across (not very likely, and as it turned out, not the case...), maybe the person who owned the rights to Maria Gripe's books wouldn't let anyone make it, maybe no-one understood what a great story this was and what a great movie it would be...

And in my research I discovered that the book was in fact based on a radio play that Maria Gripe had written a couple of years previous to the book and her co-writer was Kay Pollak! So then of course the question naturally evolved from "Why hasn't anyone..." to "Why hasn't Kay Pollak..." and I couldn't for the life of my figure out a the answer, and then I realized, that's not so surprising, seeing as I'm not Kay Pollak...

So I emailed him.

Today he replies, very polite, thanking me for my email and saying how happy it made him to hear I enjoyed the book so, informing me that the radio play will be released on CD after the summer if I wanted to listen to it and then he said, lots of people have wanted to adapt this book into a movie but no-one actually made it that far...

That's all he said. Now, I'm sitting here, thinking... is this a sign? Because I could make a hell of a movie if I got the rights to that story and the resources I would need for the production... maybe an idea for a future projects when I have a couple of independent films on my CV and ca apply for funding from the Swedish Film Institute?

Don't expect any favours in life.

So I just finished the script for this director guy I've been in contact with. And just as I was about to send him an email and let him know the script was done and to request to have his mailing address so that I could send it to him (since he didn't want it emailed because he was so paranoid as to think someone would hack into his inbox and steal the idea) only to discover that he beat me to it and emailed me. I thought it was a funny coincidence, he's probably just emailing to check up on me and the progress of the writing process, I thought. Well, the fun doesn't end there...

His email said that it was great brainstorming about the script with me, and he wanted to let me know about the recent developments in the production plans with dates and so on, and if I still wanted my name on the credit as someone who helped work on the script, I needed to send it to him, if I was still interested. Also, he'd found two nice girls for the roles, in other words he's replaced me, even though he offered me the role from day one and we had an agreement, which is why I agreed to help him work the script in the first place. He said that I could be his AD if I wanted, if not good luck in the future and with school.

So, let's recap... he quote un-quote fell in love with me and said I was perfect for the role because I was beautiful and had gorgeous eyes and blah blah blah, and then I started critiquing the script and he turned into a lemon for about a minute and then when I started making suggestions for changes he realized that I actually knew what I was talking about and jumped at the opportunity to have a co-writer on board, gushing about credits and future collaborations and even went as far as to offer me a job in his production company... then, after I've put all of my own projects on hold for a couple of weeks to soley work on his script and rewrite it for him as soon as possible so that he could apply for funding and whatnot, he's been busy breaking our agreement and replacing me behind my back with not so much as an apology for the fact, let along an explanation!

You know I am sick and tired of being used, and even though I never trusted this whole thing for a minute because I know from experience that things never get handed to you and unless you work your butt for something you should not expect to get a thing, I just hoped for a while that maybe, just maybe I would be so lucky as to have something going for me... that I could actually get somewhere on my own over here, but you know, the only way to get anywhere in life is trustworthy friends you can depend on and hard work and persistance. I have persistance, when I really want something I can work hard even though I don't do it as much as I should, and the friends I trust and depend on I've left behind in Vancouver, which means from now on I am completely on my on and a lot of very hard work lies ahead... I know now that this program that I've been accepted to was meant to be in my path, that I am supposed to soak up as much experience and learning as I can in a year and make as many connections as possible, because I am not going to get discovered, because life is not a stupid fairy tale and I am going to have to make my own destiny and fortune.

And that's what I am going to do.

Fucker. He can stick this (much better, less stereotypical and sexist) second draft of his (before I started working on it) ridiculously awful script where the sun doesn't shine. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

That's all for me.