metal, rain & yesterday's coffee

I'm on the edge all the time, it's like I'm stranded in between the opposite ends of a scale, rooted to the spot, in the snowy sand of some beach at the end of the world, with this peaceful jungle on one side of me, and the stormy sea on the other. And, obviously the jungle is safe; it's homely and nice and over all safe, but the sea keeps beckoning me, it keeps calling out to me, as if I were an elf and the sound of seagulls were ringing in my ears. I don't know really what I'm talking about exactly, but one minute everything is just fine, I'm fine, I'm having a laugh and feeling quite content with everything in my life as it is, and then all of the sudden I'll just lose it and break down, and even when I am fine and happy and peaceful, I feel it at the back of my mind, or heart, or whichever place these sort of feelings are coming from. The nerve center possibly. Nervous breakdown, yeah that sounds about right. But I can feel it all the time, I literally feel as though I'm balancing on some edge, and I'm not whinging or fretting, quite the opposite, I try to ignore it, oush it out of my mind, but it's there; in the corner of my eye, I see it, all the time. And, you know, less will bring you down, if you know what I mean...

Well, here's one example; last night I went and bought a hosting package and a domain name for my new web site. And then they e-mailed me the details and the ftp server address and all of that. And nothing worked. I just totally messed it all up. And it still doesn't work, and just thinking about it brings me to this weeping state of frustration, so I'm just going to let it be for a while. Waste of bloody money, but there you go -- that's what I get for being a materialist, innit. Anyway. I was rather distraught, ridiculously enough. I went downstairs to watch a film, and I've recently purchased Finding Neverland on dvd, so I was opening that, and the plastic foil wrapping wouldn't come off, so I thought; I'll get it open with a pair of scissors, you know. Yeah... I also cut the plastic that was supposed to stay on the bloody thing. Well done, Ida. Why, thank you...

Also, I'm not sleeping again. I'm staying up most of the night, even when I've got work early in the morning and the rest of the day and evening. I stay up, and do, well I don't really know what I do... well, the other night, I was so edgy and restless that I jumped out of bed and started packing... you know. Packing all the "necessities" into a bif cardboard box, for when I'm moving... which will not happen for another six months at least... but yeah, good being prepared, sure...

Also, I'm watching The Office all the time. I've gone completely manic, again, and it's just mental because I've had a The Office Obession before so I've already seen all the episodes except for the extra xmas episodes before, but now I'm watching them over and over again every chance I get, anyway... also, I'm totally in love with Gareth... well, no... not really, I mean I love Claire... but I've definitely got the hots for him, I think he's really attractive -- in a sickly, anorectic sort of a way... yeah...

I've arranged a doctor's appointment for the 28th as well. Not as soon as I'd have hoped, but I guess it'll do. Get some pills or something, get this down over and done with, I thought... well, I'll see what the professionals say... usually they don't have anything to say, because they're incompetent tossers, but anyway... I'll give them a chance... again...