Here there be nothing

Hello, this blog is no longer in use. I'm fed up with it. Got a new one, it's currently holding the domain for my new website until I've finished coding it.

Http://www.idathomasdotter.com/

Cheers!

NEW BLOG

http://www.idathomasdotter.com/

the address to my new website, but since I haven't had the time to finish coding it yet, I have a simple wordpress blog there right now. I won't be using this one anymore, so if you want to keep track, change your bookmarks.

Toodle-pip!

Good, good, good day today today!

Today was great!

I had a meeting with my contact person on one of the temp agencies I've been working extra through and told her about the circumstances at that particular store and explained why I can't deal with working there any longer, and she understood exactly where I was coming from and said I was such a loyal and qualified employee of theirs that they just couldn't afford to lose, so she would get in touch with her contact on one of the other stores that they have this kind of arrangement with and book a training day for me with them, and then they'd move me to that pool instead, so in the near future I'll be done with this store and its sexist employees and customers and be selling adorable design children's clothes to neurotic young parents instead!

I went from my meeting in such a hgh mood, I decided to give the other temp agency a call while I was on a roll and told them I wanted to start working for them again and they gladly accepted.

With some time to kill before the casting session with my top first choice for one of the main characters in Anna's short and one of our favourites from the open casting session we've already had, I treated myself to some sushi and decided to do a bit of brainstorming on paper for my screenplay, but ended up getting inspired to dive into my novel again, a manuscript that's been dormant since I started writing screenplays basically, so that was a huge, but obviously pleasant surprise!

The casting went great, as well. "My" guy was excellent for the part I'd insisted he be perfect for, despite what you might think at first glance, and the two of them really worked together, they complimented each and balanced each other out in an interesting way, their chemistry and dynamic is really nice, but natural and low-key, not like fireworks or sizzling UST or anything like that, which is just what the characters relationship is, it's just what it is, just of course, you know? Afterwards Anna completely agreed with me, so now it's decided, they're the ones! So now we have the two main characters! And that is such a huge load off my back somehow, I hadn't realised how stressed I've been about casting this until tonight, but now that it's settled I notice the difference immediately, it's a huge relief, because now we have the core of the cast as well as the film itself, since the story is built on these two characters and their relationship and this low-key chemistry, and now it feels entirely possible that everything else will just fall into place around them somehow.

Tomorrow it's writing and laundry all day and night, perhaps a bit of cleaning of my room simultaneously as the laundry gradually clears out, and probably a walk or something somewhere in there as well, since I'll probably go crazy if I don't leave the house at all, because that's usually what happens...

Anyway, just wanted to take this opportunity to actually update my blog with something positive for once, not use it as a venting tool or free therapy, but actually put it out there that yes, I do have good days too, and today was one! Now, good night.

Bitterness & "Boygame" casting

Started planning our first casting for "Boygame" whilst working non-stop. I'm quite fed up with this, the other day was a nightmare and that was the last straw on some level for me, in the back of my mind I'm already set on quitting. I've requested a change of store from the agency, they'll get in touch with me on Monday. I'm going to tell them it's killing my back not to be able to rotate between the register and the store (which is true) but leave out the part about the customers, because customers are the same anywhere so as long as I'm temping in a customer service oriented job, I have to keep that to myself. But I'm really too empathetic and sensitive to handle that type of job. As soon as someone is the slightest bit rude or grumpy or upset, it gets to me. Even though, logically, I know it's not personal or whatever, I just want to leave everything or burst into tears or something, plus it takes me at least half an hour to shake it off. I literally don't have a single moment's spare time this week, let alone an hour or two to edit my short film. I don't when I'll be able to finish it, at this rate I won't have it done by September even, it'll be way into winter before I can even have a sound technician look at it! Diet's still on. Not really much of a change, though. Maybe I really have to start working out in order to get thinner.. Like I'll have time and energy to do that.. Wow, I'm in a bitter mood! Sorry, didn't mean to spread any negativity.

Work, work, work

Today was supposed to be spent editing "Varma Mackor" but while at work (the paying one) yesterday they wheedled me into working today as well, something I deeply regret at the moment. I'm on the train, half-way there, it's six o'clock and I feel undead, and not in a romantic way. I had to get up at 4:20 this morning, about half an hour at least before the sun dragged its lazy behind over the sky line, feeling less than chipper since I got home from a late production meeting at midnight after having worked all day and thus got about four hours of sleep at the most, all in all not entirely unusual, except I'm not filming. It's a regular bread job. Not okay, really not. And I work tomorrow too. Tell you what, though.. I'm not accepting any more hours in august. I don't have the time or the energy, and I certainly don't need to, I have more than enough for september's rent and bills now.. I'm really stressed out about my projects right now. Well, "Varma Mackor" mostly since all the new projects are already taking up what little time and energy spared by the stupid bread job, and I don't see how I'll be able to finish editing it and find a sound technician if this goes on.. Also my producer has been MIA since the shoot, which worries and frustrates me as well. At least I know where to start once I find the time to sit down in the editing room again, thanks to Anja's feedback.

Talk of things unreal and real.

Spent the day with Anja at Filmbasen. She watched the rough cut of "Varma Mackor" and gave me feedback, we talked about everything as always, including future plans. Briefly, we touched on the the idea of starting a production company together, but she had to go to work and we didn't really have time to get into it, just threw it out there as a possibility. 

I've been listening to Bonnie Tyler and Kim Carnes. Weird, I know. 

Today was also the official first day of my idiotic diet, that I've decided on, for losing a whole bunch of weight, that I probably can't spare, for the role in Tove's film. Anja got pretty upset with me when I told her, but eventually backed down (probably for strategic reasons since she, herself, dropped a diet bomb on me when she told me she's going to start eating fish again, and realised that she couldn't expect me not to get upset with that if she was upset with mine) 

Other than that I feel (generally anxious and) like time's slipping out of reach. I don't know when I'll be able to finish "Varma Mackor". The paying type of work is getting in the way and is not only time-consuming but steals my energy and inspiration as well. I started working on the second draft of the screenplay for my next film this morning before it was time for me to go meet up with Anja, but I can't really focus, and I have all this other shit muddling my mind right now, all my own fault of course, since it's all, entirely, one big figment of my imagination. Told Anja about that, too. Knew I could, because I knew she'd get it, and she did. What's so frustrating, though, is that no matter how unreal the situation is, and no matter how perfectly aware of that I am, the feelings generated from it are completely real, because there's no such thing as imagined feelings, feelings aren't either real or unreal, they are what they are, they're as real as they can ever be while you have them and when they go away they're not there anymore, it's basic, crude, nerve reactions or whatever, like electrical sparks in the brain or something, no more, no less, but has more of an impact on you than any other thing, it's fascinating really, when you think about it. Terms like "real" becomes insufficient when you're talking about feelings, and I think that's why I like paying attention to them more than logic and reason most of the time, because I've always felt "real", as a concept to relate to, was rather muddled and confusing, so I get feelings, because they're not this rigid thing, they're just exactly what they happen to be at any given moment, and that I can relate to. 

Anyway. That's a tangent.

I'm going to give writing another go now. Back to earning money tomorrow, so I should make the most of tonight on the creativity front.  

Well, then... I was expecting "Narcissistic", but this...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

ångest

Jag tänker på de gröna skyltarna

creative hiatus and mild insanity

I have plenty of things to do that are put on hold right now because I'm stuck working my "day job" all weekend. Which, as i'm sure you can imagine, is extremely frustrating. Also, I do not feel up to being politely cheery right now, especially when 90% of the customers don't have the decency to return the favour and I'm congested and feverish and my head hurts.. And on the personal front, I've created a situation that will not lead to anything good. So far it's only in "my own little world" and a distraction at worst, but these things have a tendency to leak into reality and I can't afford to let this do.. I can't go into detail, obviously, so I know this makes no sense whatsoever to anyone (except maybe Ana or Cesar, if you're reading this) but it doesn't matter. I'm just as fogged as usual, that's all anyone needs to know.

2 per cent anxious.

Just realised I've been anxious for the past couple of hours, and since I haven't really got a valid, concrete reason for anxiety, I've been creating fleeting ones continuously since last night... like obsessing over a stupid thing I said two days ago, worrying about the way someone looked at me yesterday, things like that. For once, I've actually had a good time and felt good about things, including myself, for longer than a week even, and now what, I'm fabricating anxiety when there's none around to haunt me? Is that how it's going to be from now on? I hate my mind sometimes.

Hang-man

The wedding was awesome.

I'll post some pictures later, because words cannot describe how amazing Tove and Anna looked in their costumes. I even had a great time, which had a lot to do, I think, with the consideration they'd put into where to seat me, considering I was the one person at the wedding who didn't know anyone else. They seated me with the crazy group of friends in the middle (The group which produced two awesome girls who, when it became time to walk up front and give a speech or read a poem or something, sang karaoke to "A whole new world" instead. The group that, when everyone else sat horrified and in shock as said girls proceeded to sing, very off-key, instead sat laughing and clapping and then demanded "One more time!")

I got an email from Josefine, producer on "Århundradets brott", half-way through the evening saying that I was needed the next day after all. So any crazy notion I might have entertained about staying up all night dancing quickly became moot and I really had to catch the last bus into town. Even then it was about one o'clock when I finally got home. I had to get up again at five.

The next day was spent in a kind of blur. I felt feverish and dizzy for most of it. But I did get to ride on the moped, though. Fanny, the actress who plays the main character, gave me a ride to the train tracks where we were shooting the first scene of the day. It was scary as hell at first, but once I realised I wouldn't actually fall off, it was awesome.

Yesterday it seemed I had a lot to make up for, because my energy was all over the place, and of course I couldn't be there for the last half of the day, because there wasn't room in the little electrical car thingy for me, so I had to stay behind at HQ with a couple of the others who were made redundant for those particular scenes. I quickly became spastic with pent-up energy. Even with the FAD's little dog to play with.

So I made Filip (C-foto) play hang-man with me (I won), and when Charlie (actor who plays the male lead) wrapped his portion of the scenes, he joined in as well (he cheated), but it didn't last long before the game was put aside and we started geeking out about movies and actors instead, which we continued to do all the way to the station and the entire train ride until the two of them got off, much to the dismay of Lina, who tagged along to the train, and who normally works for the Stockholm Film Festival and is therefore generally fed up with movie talk..

Got to sleep in this morning. My head feels sort of cloudy, I think I might have slept too long. But I need to get ready now. Second to last day of shooting this short film. Then it's back to juggling reality with my own projects. Yay.

swedish wedding

Shooting has been great, although the sleep deprivation was starting to get to everyone I think. Today (which we all have off) was much needed. I slept in, then enjoyed my coffee for a looong time before I started getting ready for the wedding. I don't know how successful I've been in my attempt to look like a dame from the 20s, but considering what I've got to work with (both in terms of funds and myself with my too short, red-dyed hair and various visible tattoos) I did the best I could, really! (although, when I was finished, it struck me how little -- no -- difference there was from the way I usually dress up for special occasions and parties..) This poor guy spotted me in the way to the tube and proceeded to strike up a conversation with me, and I was polite and nice, but also ruthlessly honest when answering his repeated questions about my sexual orientation, marital status and future plans of changing said status (and orientation) but somehow, the nice thing threw him off and gave him mixed signals anyway, because he seemed convinced that he'd be able to get me to reconsider my answers, life philosophy and my decision not to accept his number, given enough time. Poor guy didn't of course. I think, amongst all of us in that compartment, he was the only one surprised by this. He even attempted to hug me goodbye when I went to get off the tube. I shook his hand. I felt bad for the guy, though. He seemed really nice. Can't be easy to live with such a strong urge to get married to good woman and have kids and stuff. Me, I fortunately don't have to deal with that kind of pressure, so really I can't possibly understand what it's like. I learnt a bit about Tunisian culture when it comes to marriage. Apparently the wedding goes on for seven days, they swim during daytime then there are these huge parties all night, every night. Not for the bride, though. She gets to stay at home. At least for four days, then on the fifth she moves from her patents place to her new home (the husbands place) and for the remaining three nights, she still gets to stay in, but she'll have her husband with her, so it's okay.. The guy agreed that this was unfair, though. So hopefully with future generations, this tradition might get updated? Let's hope so, for the sake of tunisian women, since nit getting married isn't an option.

Just stuff

So, I don't think this blog has ever looked so hideous. I guess that's what I get from being lazy and thinking "what the hell, I'll give this new template thingy a go this time around instead of tinkering with the codes..." -- Obviously not a permanent solution. Someday soon, my blog will be stunning. As will the website that I'll also own by then. But for now, you'll just have to suffer the site (haha)

Production meeting today. Thought I'd get some reading in before I have to leave. Tove finished the new draft of her screenplay yesterday, so I thought I'd give that a read-through. Also I should read the screenplay for the film of today's meeting, which I still haven't, just the production description with synopsis and director's vision. Sounds really cool, though, so I'm sure the screenplay will be as well.

Summer days drifting away

Editing "Varma Mackor" has been a joy. I have a rough cut of the film finished now, after a couple of insane all-nighters that pretty much went like this: I'd get to the editing room at Filmbasen at around six or seven in the evening, get startled by the alarm on my mobile at five to eleven (that's when the alarm is automatically turned on, and you have to go outside, wait for it to turn on, then disable it again before you can go back inside), get back to it and suddenly realise the sun is up and it's five in the morning, at which point it would cross my mind that "I should get home and get some sleep...", a healthy thought, no doubt, that was unfortunately quickly followed by "I'll just finish doing this first..." and in the blink of an eye, it'd be noon, and only then would I stumble home like zombie, squinting in the bright daylight, wondering if the fact that my brain feels like a wet cake is a sign of permanent damage or not, but also feeling decidedly pleased with my night's work and quite in love with all my actors.

Now I'm letting it rest for a while. I'm waiting for Anja to get back into town so that I can show it to her and recieve her brilliant and unforgiving feedback. Meanwhile, I've been planning three other productions for the coming year with Tove and Anna. I'm helping them both cast their respective films, and I'll also be both of their assistant director, as well as play the main character in Tove's film. And the third film we're doing is my own, of course. I've just finished the first draft of the screenplay (it's called "Begrav mig på bakgården", which means Bury me in the backyard) and I'll be working on that alongside the casting process, as well as reading and giving Tove and Anna feedback on their screenplays. And also, whatever Anja needs from me as well, but we haven't talked about that yet, but she's making her film "Agnes" this year, as well as a documentary.

In the beginning of August I'll also be working on another production as a scripta (just went to look up the english work for that function and bristled when I saw that it was "script girl" or "continuity girl" according to tyda.se, definitely not condoning that, so you'll just have to make due with swedish on this one...) with Tove's and Anna's wedding crammed in the middle of the shoot.

Then at the end of August, Tove, Anna and myself are renting a car to go on a weekend trip down south to look at some locations and possibly hold a casting workshop at a school.

And, believe it or not, I'm also going to try and get some hours in with the temp agency so that I'll be able to pay my rent and bills. One thing's for sure though, I'm not making it back home for another visit before the summer is over.

holiday "hi"

I'm sitting outside my family's cottage on our little island outside the east coast of Sweden. I've been into the sea three times already since I got here last night, it's the best feeling in the world, my favourite place of all time; under the surface, in the cool and the dark, watching the rays of light break through all around me. It's the closest I've come to meditation so far. Even the seagull cries are comforting. Somehow nostalgic and strangely soothing despite the hysterical quality, either because I've been associating them with this place for as long as I can remember, or something about the noise itself maybe. It's sort of like whale song on speed, if you think about it.. But it's definitely not as poetic and romantic in real life as when you read about it in Tolkien's book, how the elves hear the cry of the gulls as they're called by the sea to travel to the grey havens.. I'd like to think the seagulls of Middle Earth are less hysterical. Anyway. Filmbasen contacted me via email and wanted to write about me in their spotlight section on their webpage. Other than that, no news. Now I think I'll go for another dip before I get started on lunch! Take care everyone!

Morning, people!

Okay, so I completely meant to go to sleep last night... I even went to bed and everything, early even, but somehow I got to reading slash fic and I just wasn't tired so I kept reading, and eight o'clock turned to eleven then one then three and considering I had my alarm set on four, because I actually got some (regular) work this weekend and today my shift starts at (ridiculous) six-forty-five on the complete opposite side of town, which means I have to leave at five to make it there on time, I figured it'd be both pointless and idiotic of me to actually go to sleep since not only would an hour do more damage than good, but I'd most likely oversleep as well once I finally dozed off... which is why it's not four-thirty and I haven't slept, and I'm already starting to feel all fuzzy around the edges and giggly and silly and all over the place, and I'm supposed to sit at a cash register until five this evening... good times!

& I cut my hair again. Not much left of it now. But I still I have at least one more go left this summer before I get too skinhead-y for comfort...

Coffeecoffeecoffee now yesss goodcoffee. Have a good day, people! Since I won't, you know, have one on me or whatever!

"I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit.

"No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way."

Besides making a production-related phone call and scheduling that casting gig, I spent most of the day reading slash fic and getting absolutely nothing done. It felt kind of nice, for once. Usually that will send me guilt-tripping into a full on anxiety attack, but today for some reason I felt completely Zen, like Winnie the Pooh with a tummy full of honey, content with just being.

Then in the afternoon I dragged myself to the tube and went a few stations to Skärholmen to do some light grocery shopping, not because I had to do my shopping there and couldn't do it closer to home, but because I needed the trip. I even walked to the tube instead of taking the bus, just to get some movement in. On the way home too, even with the grocery bags, I walked. Good thing too, because a few ideas dropped by for a visit and I rewrote two scenes on my next short film screenplay. Thought I'd make it official now and actually rewrite them in the actual screenplay as well, as opposed to the changes just being in my head.

Rain, rain, rain

So I gave my blog a layout make-over, I felt it only fair since I've had about a hundred since the last time I changed it. Also, I felt it was time for a new title of blog since "coffee, cigarettes & conversation" hardly applies anymore since I quit smoking, and this blogging thing isn't really conversing either, is it? It's more of a monologue, and barely that. And also, I felt the title wasn't pretentious and obscure enough, hence the new title being "Metal, rain & yesterday's coffee"... much more in line with my current life situation.

Got another film gig today, stepping in for Caroline as casting assistant next week. Approximately two hours work, hopefully in the same day, greeting and reading with three different six-year-olds. I even get paid, which is awesome, since I've been stressing out about money lately. Being busy with my own short film, I haven't work anything this month, which means I'll be completely broke come next month. But maybe, hopefully, I'll manage. If I can just get the student loan people off my back during the summer, I'm good. The odds of that happening, though, are slim at best, since they've been hounding me since 2008... I could apply for a course again, but apparently they're not too hung up on details like that anymore, since they wanted me to start paying back my loan in May, when I was still studying up until mid-June, so basically, I got my last payment only to hand it right back. Ridiculous.

Meeeh, I hate talking about money, and thinking about money, and worrying about money. It'll work somehow, it always does. Worst case scenario, I'll be hungry this summer too. No biggie.

Oh, yeah, and it's raining.

Varma Mackor

I need to get better at updating my blog, so that I don't have a million things to tell you when I finally do... I don't even know where to start. The beginning, maybe. Okay, yeah. Well, I'll keep this short because I just woke up, I have my coffee here next to me, but I'm not sure it'll be enough jump start my brain this morning since yesterday was the last day of shooting my short film Varma Mackor, and like with any other shoot, the day after you feel sort of hungover from all the adrenalin and energy and coffee, plus reality takes a moment to get used to as well. Also, another reason I have to keep this short, is that I have to leave soon, I'm meeting up with Tove at Östermalmstorg to get the harddrives from her, the harddrives with all the material, I'm kind of freaked out actually... but first things first:

Pre-production. One big rollercoaster ride. But every bump in the road was dealt with quickly and smoothly, and things pretty much fell into place, over and over again, which in of itself is unheard of I think, so I was harbouring some "too good to be true" pessimism already. But the first day of shooting, we were in a school in Salem, we had a ridiculously short time to get the stuff we wanted to get from the two scenes we were shooting, a lot less time than what was needed to get them, actually. We also had, around us, fifteen kids that "belonged" to us and were extras in the scenes, as well as eighty kids that belonged to the school and were curious about what we were doing. But for some reason, things fell into place again and we actually finished ahead of time. My "too good to be true" suspicions increased.

The next two days of the shoot we were in the producer's dad's house and shoot the kitchen scenes and the scenes in the doorway to the brother's room. And long story short, I can't even begin to tell you how extremely happy I am about the stuff I have. The crew was great, Tove did an amazing job with the photography, and Edvin the scenographer was literally amazing, both with the scenography and as a person to work with. He was calm, concentrated, humble, had an eye for details, was patient with me when I got all excited and wanted to help decorate the brother's room, any other scenographer might have got annoyed because I stepped on their toes, but he was just amused and let me bounce around and then concentrated on his thing. In the end, all the material we got, both in the kitchen and the room, looked amazing, I got some seriously excellent stuff out of the actors, who were all amazing as well. Wilma who played the lead girl is a wonder, I have never seen anything like it, and everyone else have reacted the same. She is so focused, so nuanced and natural, she has this aura about her, she is so intelligent, and no matter what directon I gave her, she took it and used it, nothing blocked her, not even the ridiculously long and difficult lines of dialogue that she had. I mean, the stuff that she got to do this weekend, emotionally, mentally, and even physically when we did her POV shots and she had to sit on the floor between Tove and and the table and try and reach her hands up and repeat her actions from the scene, it was extremely tough stuff to do, for a grown-up experienced actor, and for a child actor, it's basically impossoble. I mean, to get natural from a child actor is tough enough. I have to stop praising her now... but you'll see when the film is done, she's just incredible. They all are.

Anyway. Since I'm so happy with everything, you can understand that the "this is too good to be true" feeling has increased to epic proportions and why I'm freaked out about getting the harddrives with all the material on them now, I'm thinking I'll either be robbed on my way home or get hit by a bus...

Today I had sunshine in the palms of my hands.

So I went into town to meet up with Anja before our appointment with this actor. She was just as nervous as I was, possibly even more so. But the meeting went swimmingly. The guy turned out to be, not only great, interesting and sensible, but a truly genuine person as well (which is the most important quality in my book, since I seem to be surrounded largely by people who are anything but...) Mine and Anja's intuition about this actor is looking more and more spot on, just sitting there talking to the guy, just drinking in his energy and general way, I'd almost say I had the actual character from my script in front of me. And knowing that he's a really talented and charismatic yet subtle actor as well, from seeing his performance in the wonderful mini-series "De halvt dolda", it's just perfect casting and I am so happy right now!

Oh, and he seemed really pleased with the information he recieved from us as well and had some really interesting thoughts and ideas about the script, which he really liked on top of everything, and when we got to discussing work method I found out that we're completely on the same page when it comes to acting and process work, being more interested in exploring the character and the scene and the character's relationship with other characters and just be present in the now and open to impulses (and basically everything I learned from the amazing Stephen Park and keep learning again and again through my own experiences since VFS) rather than focusing on Stanislavskis earlier methods (that he later revised because he himself realised that it wasn't the best method) which is what most acting schools and courses seem to teach, where you basically reach back in your memory and use experiences from your own life to re-create a certain emotion, instead of just being present in the moment, with your co-actor, reacting to the given circumstances and exploring the scene. And this actor, Henrik, was all on board with that, and the way he talked about it, when I asked him how he preferred to work usually, he basically voiced all of my own opinions and preferences, both as an actor and as a director. So I'm really looking forward to working with him now! Hopefully he and the girl who'll probably play the main characters (his little sister in the film) will connect and have some real, interesting chemistry between them... if they do, then I have half my work done already, and the result will most likely be amazing too...

Anja and I walked around for a bit after we'd said goodbye to Henrik, all giddy from how well the meeting went, and ended up (as we always seem to) having some firey discussions about everything, but mostly about film, especially the films we want to make, how women are portrayed in film that get made and the kind of scripts we write and our (quite similar) writing style that not many people seem to get. It's really funny, because I just mentioned one example of a detail from my screenplay, a thing that my main character does, and I didn't even have time to explain why I thought it was important -- she got it instantly! -- and that's why I love her. And that's why I'm re-writing my screenplay again, I'm still getting rid of the pretentious choice of phrases that I sometimes use, but I'm keeping my details. And that's that.

Met up with Anja yesterday for coffee and conversation. She also brought me up to speed with her end of the casting. This actor that we really want for the part of the Big brother, she actually got a hold of him and pitched him the project and he seemed genuinely intrested. So she emailed him the script. Now we just have to wait and see. Other than that, I guess things are coming together.

I spent a while cruising a second-hand store and found some clothing items for a couple of the characters, as well yesterday. The store wouldn't actually lend them to me, so I ended up buying them. But I only chose things that I can see myself wearing, that way it's not a big deal if I don't get re-imbursed for them, I'll just keep them after the shoot. The two blouses/dress shirts that I found for the Mother, in particular, will more than make up for it, they're just my type, all 70s style and kind of hideous, but in a cool way. I just love my hideous shirts.

Still avoiding reality. But it's a red day, so I can if I want to.

Yesterday I revised the current draft of my screenplay and got rid of all my Virginia Woolf-esque scene directions and details so that I'd have a more stripped down version of the script to show to potential producers and I'm now down to 115 pages (including the title page)! It was 137 (excluding title page) before!

Today my mind is in Brighton, UK.

Also, I'm watching a genius comedy/dramacomedi called "I love you too" that you must watch. Another amazing performance by Peter Dinklage, a new favourite actor. I started watching another one of his films last night in which he had a tiny role (but he made the most of it and was awesome) but I couldn't keep watching it. I think I might have hated it. But I was too stunned by the weirdness of the whole thing that I'm not exactly sure what I felt toward the monstrosity of a film. It's called "Just a kiss". It felt more like a 90s MTV special (or a re-enacted letter from the Swedish teen program "Bullen" from the same decade) than an actual movie. Especially with the random and weird as hell cartoony effects that suddenly pop up over the actual film, like the orcs in the old animated version of "Lord of the rings", but worse.

Nothing particular

It's insanely warm, and it's only going to get worse. Taking advantage of the long weekend, I've been holed up in my room for the past 72 or so hours, watching films and rearranging my piles of notes and ideas for stories, putting my two vinyl records (Iron Maiden and Blue Oyster Cult) on the window sill to block out the sun light where the blinds aren't covering. I've been on an Adrien Brody kick (Some awesomeness: , and before that it was a lot of Ben Stiller for some reason, and before that I discovered two new favourite actors, Peter Dinklage (Must see: The Station Agent from 2003) and Rinko Kikuchi whom I'd seen in Map of the sounds of Tokyo but since I hated the film with all of my being, she didn't stick with me at the time, even though I thought she was doing a good job in that as well, it wasn't until I saw her in The brothers Bloom from 2008 that I fell in love with her. The character she plays in that is awesome as well, so that might have something to do with it. I'm sure I won't be as thrilled with her/her character in Norwegian Wood (if I even watch it) since I couldn't even finish that book (Sorry Ana, if you happen to read this) because I hated it so much.

It always breaks my heart to go through all of my notes, because I have all these stories that are basically finished and just waiting for me to write them down, and I'm thinking maybe I'll never get around to it, and they'll never be told.

Production updates

So I finally got Internet on my computer! No more blogging via ridiculously tiny iphone keyboard (unless in a pinch), which is such a relief, I can't even tell you. Unfortunately I'll have to make this short, since I'm heading out.

My producer Alexandra is picking me up in half an hour, then we're going to go check out a location for the short film (Varma mackor) and we're picking up Tove (DOP) and Anja (AD and darling) on the way as well. It's all coming together, actually. I was at a barbecue at Frida's place last night, with Alexandra and a bunch of other people they both know, and we actually had a toast for it. Alexandra's got the whole crew assembled, we've pretty much decided on three out of five actors, all the locations are more or less found. I've made a storyboard. Yep, things are looking up. 

On the economical front, not so much, though. But I'll worry about that tomorrow. Today, it's all about Varma mackor.

So I've turned 25

I'm sitting at the kitchen table in the flat I'm now sharing with three other people, all lefties and veggies. One of the two guys is having breakfast at the coffee table behind me, whilst listening to a radio documentary on the EU top meeting in Gothenburg 2001. I'm supposed to be drawing a storyboard for my short film "Varma mackor" right now, but I'm procrastinating and have been since Friday (when I turned a quarter of a century, incidentally.) Outside of the stalled storyboard-making, casting and location hunt is well on the way. I found the "perfect" girl to play my main character Alva, but her idiot of a dad surprised the entire family with tickets to Greece the same week we're shooting, so she's now off the table. I'm pretty sure I've found both Mum, Dad and the School teacher, though. So three down, two to go, which is good progress all things considered. The short film I got cast in has wrapped, except for a Voice Over recording, I had my last night of shooting on Saturday. We were supposed to wrap at two o'clock at the latest, but I think she was about half past three when I said goodbye and headed for the tube. By the time I collapsed in bed she was about five. I got to see the sunrise on my way home though, which was nice. But I was exhausted, especially considering I was feeling under the weather as well, coming down from a nasty cold. The best thing about this shoot was meeting and working with Johanna, who played my best friend. She's a sweetheart, and a really great actor. Coincidentally, when I attended the Sem;colon short film screening at the Grand theatre, that Alexandra (the producer of my short film) organises with Frida and Hannes twice a year, they showed Benjam Orre's (the photographer of the zombie film Återfödelsen) novella film Sakae, and I realised that Johanna played the female lead! And she spoke Japanese and kicked arse with a samurai sword, I was seriously in awe! :^) Another new development since my last entry, is that my mum was in town and we hung out for a whole day, then dad joined us a day early before my nephew's birthday party so that he could help me move, and my big brother helped as well, and that night I went with my parents to have dinner with one of my mum's biological sisters, her husband and their son, i.e my cousin, none of whom I'd met before. My parents had met them once, when I lived in Canada. I also met their daughter, another cousin obviously, but she didn't join us for dinner, merely served it since she worked as a waitress in that particular pub. I'd expected it to be really weird and awkward, but it wasn't, mainly due to their open and friendly attitudes, they're clearly social people (and huggers...) the husband especially, he made sure the conversation was constantly flowing, just as glad to listen to either one of us as he was to do the talking. He also gave me his business card as we said our goodbyes, stating he had connections with actors, agents and publishers (he owns and runs a company producing audio books) The cousins are both my age, only a few years younger, and I know I have at least photography in common with him, so who knows, might keep in touch... I mean, we live in the same city, and Stockholm might be bigger than Vancouver, and definitely the largest city I've ever lived in, but it's still small when it comes to these things. Anyway, I could use some normal family, the one on my dad's side is a horrible appendage, what's left of it...

stressed

Went and checked out a classroom that we might be able to shoot in, afterwards I had brief meeting with just Tove and discussed photography/cinematography, then Caroline called me and wanted my help on a film shooting in May and June, which would mean a whole lot of puzzling for me to make it work, but it would be awesome. Now I have to write an outline for school, deadline tonight. And I've half the work left on translating the subtitles for that documentary as well. And the short film that I was cast in starts shooting next week I think, as well.. I don't have time to work a proper job! I'll starve this summer too!

auditioning

I'm sitting on the bus home, waiting for Ana to call me back. Besides the callback audition I've just been to, I haven't done anything useful today. Just watched Big Fish and the X-files episode Bad Blood. I was going to go get the second birth control thingy out of my arm this morning but I cancelled my appointment since the pharmacies had closed by the time I got back to Stockholm yesterday and wouldn't have opened in time for my appointment, especially since the ointment that numbs your skin is supposed to be applied at least two hours before you start slicing-and-dicing if it's going to have any effect. Also, I was really tired. I had another audition last night and got back and into bed quite late. Blogging just isn't the same when you're typing on a phone... I have mixed feelings about tonight's audition. I did a lot better than last time, I was still schmacting, but not as much and I think they might genuinely like me, which means there's a slight possibility that I'll get the part... Half-nude scene and all... O.O

back to it

I hate leaving places, especially my family's, I prefer arriving. Any place, though. I hate leaving my own place in order to arrive in my family's place. Just the idea of it, I think: leaving vs arriving, there's something about that, on a deeper level. Going away. I hate it. Which is ironic, since I'm a really restless person and I'm always longing to get away, compulsively relocating, need to keep moving, any forward motion counts, even if it's within a circle on a larger scale.. I've spent a week in my parents house. And worked from home on my short film and the TV assignments for school, although I've had some technical difficulties and haven't been nearly as productive as I'd planned to be.. But I've bought my first two LP records ever! Iron Maiden's "Fame" and an Blue Oyster Cult. I've also fallen in love with the whole vinyl thing and the superior sound of them compared to CD's and mp3 and spent all of yesterday sampling my parents old collection. I discovered Jefferson Airplane, Creedence and Velvet Underground, rediscovered T Rex and Deep purple, as well as Meatloaf although I never really fell out of love with him to begin with.. I also discovered, doing some geeksearch on Wiki that my favourite Sabbath album is made after Ozzy wad kicked out, so he's not the singer in those songs! Got an audition tonight that I'm regretting ever applying for.. Not that I'd ever get the part since their looking for a fit and androgynous person, but still..

Busy bee, busy bee, busy beeezzZZ

I'm back home visiting my parents now. So far, so good. Although my diet is already suffering.. Other new developments, that would be of some kind of interest to you (even though I'm sure that my diet will now be the topic of your conversations for days to come...)

On my way here, as I was waiting for the train actually, I got an email from the producer I did my internship with last term, asking me if I'd be willing to translate the dialogue of one of her films into English for the subtitles for when she sends it to festivals, and I'll get paid for it and everything! Yay for paid work!

I finished the synopsis and Director's vision and my film CV, for the pre-production package for the short film, now all I have left to do is the mood board (saving the most difficult to last) and then we're all set to apply for funding and whatnot, so film people, ideas and moral support for the mood board-making, please...

What else... went with my mum to this theme day at CFL yesterday, it was quite interesting. Lectures/discussions about Vision work and Sustainable development, within the municipality of Söderhamn (my home town). I got some great creative inspiration and a film idea out of it, too.

Oh, and I got the room in the commune! So I'm no longer homeless-to-be! Which is a load off my mind and shoulders, now I can focus on my mood board and my assignment for school tomorrow -- I'm supposed to write for television in a group this and next week, my group just had their first brainstorming meeting, via crappy chat program on First Class, although we didn't do nearly enough brainstorming for my taste, it was more focus on agreeing on semantics about what the assignment actually was, and having not read the schedule or the assignment at all, I got rather restless, once we'd decided which idea we were going with, I wanted to start brainstorming for real, come up with ideas for sub-plotlines, key scenes, underlying themes, character developments and archs and relationships and all that stuff... but we decided that we're supposed to brainstorm on our own respectively (...) and chat again tomorrow morning -- I don't know when I'll have time to go to the neighbouring town Bollnäs and apply for a new passport at this rate, but I'll have to think of something...

Now, before I start brainstorming with myself... I'm going to give Anja a call and talk casting.

On the go

Waiting for train.. "and feeling nearly as faded as my jeans"

wind in the willows

It's a storm outside. But I defy the weather, I have things to do. I've been running errands all day, all over Stockholm. I just came from a women's clinic downtown where I was getting the birth control thingy out of my arm, and she got the first one out (there's two of them, they look like little rubber sticks, placed like a V under the skin) but the second one was stuck, so she got a colleague to come assist her and they were cutting and pulling but the thing just wouldn't come out -- so it's still in there. I'm going back in a week to give it another go.. Now I'm at the police station in Solna to apply for a new passport and ID. I'm exhausted just from running around, and my arm is quite sore, making my laptop even more of a hassle to lob around.. I just want to go home and relax with some miso, but I have to go to the library next. Things to do, things to do, you can rest when you're dead, away with you!

deadlines

I've come to the realisation that procrastinators and adrenaline junkies are related. I don't procrastinate because I'm lazy, I do it because subconsciously I crave the rush of having a deadline hanging over me like some sword of Damocles. So I'm not lazy. I'm not.

I bought a flower!

hey you

I'm metro surfing as I'm writing this, heading into town to see Kajsa and go for a walk, hopefully get a boost or some inspiration since I've convinced myself as of yesterday that my screenplay is awful and is getting worse with each draft and I'm a horrible writer. Also, she's bringing me my medallion that I've bought from her. Hopefully that will help a little as well.

I've got platina

I meant for the title to say "I've gone platinum"

This is what happens when the world is grey and your main character insists on being a sex addict with crush on her best friend

"Perhaps that's too much to ask of someone who spends the greater part of her creative intellect on her hair..." -- Professor Goodwin, "Gossip"

Hugin & Munin part II

This is what my 4th tattoo looks like now that it's healed

"Sometimes we like to state an opinion about the topics we discuss, but perhaps that's too much to ask of someone who spends all of her creative intellect on her hair..." -- Professor Goodwin, "Gossip"

Slow

So I thought I'd be able to write a longer, more detailed blog entry while I was away, but of course the wireless connection at the inn was completely uncooperative, and now I'm back in Stockholm again. Actually, I'm at the library in Solna, just so I can get access to an internet connection.

The three days in Sunne were intense. It started on a dramatic note the night before, actually. Kajsa and I were driving down, or up, or sideways, whereever it is in relationship to Stockholm, my geography knowledge is just as bad as my sense of direction... because halfway there, the car went and died on us. Then it started up again, and after about ten minutes, it died again... and so it went, all the way to Sunne, which meant that instead of arriving at about ten o'clock at night, we got there at about midnight, or one o'clock in the morning, I'm not sure... needless to say we're exhausted and shaken up (it's quite scary when you're driving in a single lane on the highway in the middle of the night and your car breaks down and the only other traffic besides yourself are these huge trucks and lorries...) but we got to where we were going in one piece and that's all that matters.

The feedback discussions in my group were awesome, so inspiring. My script was up last, on the second day, and just like all the previous feedback and open discussions, I was overwhelmed by the extensive and rewarding feedback, also I was surprisingly struck by a revelation of my own, halfway through, that one of the characters in my screenplay is actually based on a real person from my past, and that was mind-boggling I can tell you... and that, as well as the revelation that I had just before writing this sixth draft about my main characters intimacy disorder, is the reason I'm experiencing the most amount of resistence to continuing this writing process that I have since I started. In fact, I haven't even so much as opened the document on my computer since then. Instead I started writing a play for this contest, deadline 15th of September.

I sent a text to the producer about meeting to talk about my short film, still haven't heard back from her. I guess it is Sunday, and she just finished shooting another short film and I only just sent the text this morning, but still. Things are happening too slowly, I feel like I need to explode all over the place, like everything around me is happening in slow motion and I have to try and reel myself in and force myself to go more slowly, and it's really frustrating. It's like being a kid again. Constantly being told to settle down, slow down, repeat myself more slowly, be still. I hate that.

Food

Because you're dying to know what I'm eating today

I haven't had Internet on my computer for a while, but I have a new mobile now with Internet access at least, but it's a real pain writing anything at length on this tiny touch screen keyboard.. But a quick update for now;

The past week I've been embarassingly unproductive and not worked one bit, but I did finish the sixth draft of my screenplay in time for the deadline for the feedback meet in Sunne; I'm leaving town this Monday, travelling by car with Kajsa again, and won't be back in Stockholm until the 25th. Tonight I'm meeting Tove to discuss the photography in the short film I'm just starting pre-production on, and tomorrow I'm meeting the producer.

I'll be busy all weekend, working pro bono as a FAD on a shoot of a music video for this garage metal band that are releasing their first CD. I'm not too excited about it, but it'll get me another credit at least..

I'll probably be able to write a proper entry next week, I know the place I'm staying at has wireless so.. I'll check back with you then!

Here it is...

My 4th tattoo of Hugin & Munin.

EDIT: I'm still figuring out my new phone, but now you can see it ! (although this picture was taken once the tattoo had started scabbing over slightly, so it looks more solid black than it actually is, it's more "sketched")

"Things are looking up"

I finally got myself a new mobile. I've yet to get it running, because I needed to download a newer version of itunes before I could sync it and whatnot, and in order to download anything, you need an internet connection and so I had to get myself to the nearest library where I could access an internet connection, but as of this afternoon I am back in business, and it's such a relief it's ridiculous. All those times I claimed to be anti-social and expressed naïve wishes to be phoneless, I take it all back. Obviously, there's a difference between turning the sound off your mobile or screening your calls when you wish to be left alone for a while, and being stripped of your only link to the rest of the world, against your will...

I also went and got myself spontaneously tattooed yesterday. Hugin & Munin, like I'd already decided on. The sketch I made myself about six months ago, only twice as big -- the tattooer's suggestion, and it seemed like a good idea -- and not on my shoulder blade like I'd originally planned, either -- no-one's suggestion, just an impulsive change of plan, completely on me. I'll take a picture of it later and post it, see what you guys think.

Tjockis substitute & a dying mobile phone

I've been having difficulties accessing an internet connection in the past week. Extremely frustrating. Especially when my mobile decides it's about time it broke, as well. I've not been able to answer any incoming calls all week.

But yesterday, I got mail. And it made my month. It was a parcel from my parents and contained the usual news paper clippings and mail that'd been sent to their address and some accessory that I'd forgot the last time I was home for a visit... but also, a Tjockis substitute! (Tjockis is the name of my cat, who's staying with my parents since I moved to Vancouver in 2007, and whom I miss severely now that they won't give her back, and now a friend of my mum's has made a stuffed cat with her exact colouring, including her eye colour which is really special, she has one yellow and one blue eye, so it's no mistaking who the plushie is supposed to be!) 

I have pictures... (yes, I am that much of a child)

Feeling proud and accomplished for the first time in MONTHS

I finally sat down and finished the fifth draft of my screenplay! :)

And here they are...

Short films and such

Finally got around to ripping the Vancouver Film School DVD and selecting the few acceptable clips from the short "Tequila Rose" (that I -- I'm ashamed to admit -- wrote the script for, in addition to playing the title role) and I've edited those together into a trailer-like show reel. Because there's not way I'm ever show the whole thing to anyone, since the good moments are severely over-shadowed by the horror that is the rest of the film. And the director, photographer and editor managed to put something together that is nowhere near what I'd intended with the script, so I don't want people to think I actually wrote that. The script wasn't that good to begin with, but it sure wasn't a sketch from SNL and that's what the end result resembles.

Had a meeting with Tove, the photographer who's going to shoot my short film that I'm preparing now, and talked about the cinematography. And yesterday I met up with Anja and we talked a little about the short as well, amongst everything else between the sky and the earth, as we are wont to do when we see each other. I'm trying to coax her into helping me with the casting in addition to being Assistant Director during the shoot. She really wants to, but she's got a lot on her plate right now with school and her own projects, so it's a matter of having the time. But I'm sure we'll make it work somehow.

And how are you..

I've just realized that since my last neurotic hair-cutting, I now have almost exact same hairstyle and colour as I did when I cut off my hair halfway through sixth grade; can we say "full circle"?

Today, I'm writing a new synopsis to my screenplay, to sort through the chaos in my own mind, but also in order to send to my mentor-person-thingy and have her read it, to see if we're on the same page at all, because after her last feedback, I'm beginning to think we're talking about different stories and different characters. Also, I'm going to translate it into english so that Ana Maria can read it and give me some tips on how to pitch the story, since my attempt at the Gothenburg festival went South very quickly and she's actually great at pitching stories, I remember her telling me once.

But first, I'm writing it in Swedish. And later today, well tonight, really, I'm meeting up with Tove who's agreed to film my short, and we're going to sit down and discuss the cinematography and such. Fun, fun.

Because the night

I'm flying high on mania and Valerian root pills, listening to "Because the night" with Patti Smith, trying to sit still and write, can't though, I got feedback from my mentor thing person on the revised acts one and two just now, well a bit ago, and really, I'm pretty sure I'm not being sensitive here but it's up the walls, completely off the mark, or maybe I am reading it wrong I don't know, but from what I can tell we're not on the same page at all, and I really thought we were and now I'm really reluctant to the whole thing; plus I haven't even met this person and that doesn't feel very good at all; I've just been going through the screenplay (the one written down as well as the one in my head, as crazy as that sounds, I know) and jotted down little notes on each scene etc, to get an overview on the whole story, just to make sure that I'm at least on the same page as myself -- I am -- and she's missing a couple of really essential points, and a couple of other things she said makes sense but that's details, not important right now, and hey Patti Smith is definitely joining Tori Amos in the inspiration soundtrack, and System of a down as well.

I feel feverish, I need some fresh air or something, think I should open a window for aminute. The meeting with the producer and her director friend went great, well fine, it was relaxed and nice, and they seem genuinely interested, they're in the middle of that director's short though, shooting this weekend, so they told me to gather some inspiration pictures and music and stuff, and then we'll get in touch again next week. Spotify is really great, but I hate the commercial breaks -- and they're put on pause when you hit the mute button on your computer did you know that? That's ridiculous!

Life sucks, then you die.

I thought today was friday. It's not. It's saturday, which means I have to go downtown and clean my sister-in-law's office. It's thrown my entire plan for today. I'm such a Rainman. Really.

Dad transferred some money into my account yesterday so that I could buy coffee, and something to eat. Made my weekend. Well, until now.

And I'm stressing about future now, just because I'm stressed about today, I don't know how that works but that's what I always do, I get stressed about one little thing, and all the stress about everything else that's not even topical or even real. Well, having to move again at the end of May is real, all too real, in fact that's so real I can't even deal with it, so I'm not actually stressed about that.

I'm stressed about the plan. About bartender training and moving to the UK and all that stuff. Because Mum rained on that parade, as was to be expected. My big brother Fredrik sort of did as well, but then I think he felt bad about it, especially after Mum phoned, and he kind of ambiguously took my side when I was venting about what she'd said, but then my sister-in-law Annelie, who is the voice of reason always, poked a whole in the plan as well, saying that bartendering is even harder on the back than waitressing, so that excuse didn't fly. And if I wanted to work as a bartender, I should find a place where they're willing to teach me, that way I actually get paid for learning, as opposed to saving up for an expensive course. Which makes sense and sounds so simple when she says it, but... yeah, I'm not even going to go into it. The point is, I hear all of their voices now saying, "You want to make a career as bartender now? Bartendering, that's your dream job, is it? Waitressing is nothing compared to bartendering. How expensive is the course anyway? You don't even drink coctails!" etc, etc...

But they're missing the point completely, obviously I could care less about bartendering and coctails, I want to make films, you'd think they would have grasped that about now. That's my dream job, that's what I'm passionate about, acting, writing and directing, that's it.

Now, I'm just trying to come up with a "day job" that I can stand, that pays my rent, that leaves my days open, that has a flexible schedule and that I'm qualified for, and I can't stand waitressing anymore. So, that's all I can come up with. Anyone else has got a better idea, please, I'm all ears...

"Come on, come on..."

Okay. Breathe. Just take it one day at a time (thinking immediately of Sandra Bullock in "28 days" saying: "Like two or three days at a time is an option!") and focus, get stuff done, keep moving, forward, any forward motion counts. I need to finish this screenplay. I need to get this short film made. I need to work as much as humaly possible. And I need to find a way to afford to travel, to see my love, my best friend, and to move to the UK and start over again. How many times can a person start over anyway? I'm really like a cat. I've got nine lives.

Re-watching "Rescue me", translating my short film script into English so that Ana Maria can read it and give me her input. Anyone else wants to volunteer, give me a shout. But I warn you, the dialogue isn't very good, becuase I'm just translating it directly from Swedish, just to get the point across, I don't have time to translate the script properly right now.

New plan for the future

1. make at least two short films in Stockholm (whilst auditioning for whatever I can get)
2. go to Norway and work and save up money (whilst re-writing my novel/writing a bunch of scripts)
3. take a one-month bartender course on Kos island (Greece)
4. go to London and find a bartender job, collective living, acting as well as literary agent
5. make connections in the film industry and get more of my own films made, as well as audition like crazy

How does that sound?

It never ends

The theology student who owns this flat just phoned and woke me up to say that he won't be renewing my contract at the end of May after all, because he's decided to move back on the first of June instead of at the end of summer like he first told me. So now I have to find a new place to live as well.

If I had money, I'd pack my big backpack and head to the UK. But I'm broke on top of everything else. I'm going to see about that other temp agency for schools today, and then I'm going to swing by my brother's place and see if I can score some coffee (mine is running out at home)

Good news is that I'm only one sleepless night away from finishing the fifth draft of the script, I have the third act written out in notes (got that done when I worked for four hours yesterday) now I just have to sit down and type it up.

After work yesterday I met up with another freelance film-maker who is making a music video for this metal band and I'm going to be his FAD, it doesn't pay anything, but it's another cred at least.

Oh and I wrote this poem in Gothenburg after the pitch.

A. O. 2011-01-29

"Your Morse coded gazes and fidgeting fingers trap me
your arms shooting out, your lips flapping
it holds me transfixed, the noise of your voice
as it cuts through the air between us
it reminds me of waves lapping,
I imagine them stroking
over my life-less body
incomprehensible and eroding
I stare at your lips and the glaze of your eyes
like watered down blood
hugging the edges of the pavement where I stomp
on a half-smoked cigarette butt, twist my foot
and grind the ashes into the cracks between the stones
I imagine that too
and you dancing, unnoticed
in the middle of the street
under a rickety umbrella that is snatched
by the wind as the rain turns to hail."

Snow day

Okay, so Snow is back, with a vengeance. It started yesterday while I was at work, sitting in my little outside cubicle all by myself, dealing with the occasional "drive-through" customer, that got more and more scarce as the weather got steadily worse. Getting home was a nightmare, but I got here. This morning I wake up to Narnia... and realize getting to work will be a nightmare on the scale of Hellraiser (just watched Hellraiser part 6: Hellseeker for the first time - because: Dean Winters - and it's the only Hellraiser film I've seen, but it was hilarious)

I go onto the SL website to check the traffic, and yes... the commuter trains (I completely made that translation up) are all cancelled, the buses are all unreliable as well as unbelievably late and/or cancelled and the rest of the public transport system, with Tvärbanan (Crossway line) and the tube, is probably up the walls as well, I didn't check those because I take two buses and a train to get to work at this particular place, so I was already screwed.

But it's understandable, I mean, it's not like we ever get snow in Sweden, so of course the the public transit company are going to be unprepared for it... so, I had to call the temp agency and let them know I couldn't make it into work. Part of me is a little relieved, because I feel a cold or something coming on and I wasn't particularly looking forward to heading out in this storm, but at the same time I hate to give up my hours when I really need them and I'm really fit to work, it's just so annoying.

And now I have literally no excuse not to work in my fifth draft, do I...

breaking up

I'm meeting up with me former room-mate and friend today to have the Talk, and I've been dreading it for months because I'm not very good at giving people closure, when I tried it with my ex boyfriend, he got it in his head that there was still a chance for us, so no.. not very good at Talks, at all. I seem to pend between "impossible to take in"-ruthless and "easy to misinterpreted"-sugar-coat, neither of which is very helpful. Why can't we just emotionally detach, then cut off all contact, and avoid each other forever? it really works fine, really!

Just got myself a job interview for a temp agency for personnel working in comprehensive schools and preschools. I talked to a girl from the retail pool I work for who works for this temp agency as well, and she said she always gets work through them and that I'm definitely qualified to apply even though I'm not studying to become a teacher. So my interview is scheduled for Valentine's day, cross your fingers. I'd really rather work in a kindergarten or a school, than in retail. Plus, I think that'll be better for my back as well as my mind.

Peter Pan and a Manic-Depressive Mermaid

One of the cafés that I went to in Gothenburg had this book case with a bunch of books that you could take for free, with labels for this website called bookcrossing.com and basically, you sign up a book there and then you give it away, and then every person who takes it to read will make a note of it at the website before passing it along and that way you can follow your books travels. I thought it was a lovely idea. I took a paper back of "Peter Pan" and read it yesterday at work, now I'm going to check out the website and see if there's a listing of places that hosts the books and if there's one in Stockholm where I can exchange the book for a different one. Maybe add my own.


Had another idea for a film on the train home last night. A romantic/family drama about a single mum who falls in love with a much younger woman who turns out to be bipolar (unmedicated) and it brings her and her daughter closer together in the end, told with a magical shimmer from being viewed through a child's perspective. I was thinking that the first time they see the young woman, they're at the beach, and the little girl gets it into her head that she's a mermaid (kind of like the kid in "The reflecting skin" who thinks the lonely widow is a vampire) and later when they get to know each other and bond, the young woman plays along with the idea, making up stories about her home in the sea, and in the end when she drowns herself, the little girl is convinced that she's just gone back home, and her mother lets her think that, but it's clear to the audience what's really happened. (Although there's definitely an element of questioning, who's right, the child's imagination or the adult's fear-riddled narrow view of the world) And that's the kind of thing that happens all throughout the story, and that's what I'd think make the young woman's ummedicated condition (bipolar disorder) interesting too, if it were perceived through a child's eyes, her extremes explained with child logic. So, what do you guys think of that idea?

Snow can wait, I've forgot my mittens

I've done nothing today. Barely got my morning pages out, curled up on the desk chair and read some random slash fic and let the hours spill away, made some tea, ate some rice and green lentils, realized the sun had set and lit my electric candles, answered a couple of ads on Filmcafe, sent a couple of scripts to another production company, made more tea; I should go for a walk, or shower; no, I should write. But I don't like to write because I should, I only ever want to write because I have to, and not from some outward pressure of expectations or deadlines, but from inside, from a pressure of words that need to get out. You can't force it, you can't wait for it, so what do you do.

Oh, I also checked out some youtube links that Kajsa shared with me, feeling the need to educate me in must-knows of musical genius from the 60s, 70s and 80s, and now I've discovered Patti Smith. I've also listened to Exene Cervenka and Lydia Lunch, but Exene I already knew from before through Viggo Mortensen, and Lydia I discovered today, but on my own. I think I might like her the best. But it's Tori Amos who's stuck in my head, the fragile notes of "Winter" playing on repeat, reminding me I should be writing up the fifth draft of my feature screenplay, but as always, I'm procrastinating, because I'm resistant, because I'm self-sabotage-ing, because I'm scared. I need to do yoga. But my room is too small.

In the head of Charlie Kaufman

Back from Gothenburg. The pitch was a nightmare, but I had a really great time hanging out with a few people from my class, and it went great sharing a room with Kajsa at the hostel as well, and today I went to what the festival called a "Masterclass" with Charlie Kaufman, and that was awesome. He's a really awesome guy.

Getting ready for Gothenburg

So I'm (soon) off to Gothenburg. I just talked to Kajsa, she's driving down and offered me a ride, and I'll also be rooming with her at the hostel, so we'll want to kill each other by the end of this weekend probably... no, I think it'll be fine. I love talking to Kajsa. On the first class get-together, I ended up having two separate conversations with her that were both hours-long and deep. And that doesn't happen too often, especially that soon after having met. But she's full of interesting thoughts and ideas, and she believes in a bunch of things I used to believe in, like spirits and ghosts, so it's also a bit nostalgic to be listening to her theories. I'm definitely agnostic now, since I do love to hear about different believes and discuss them with an open mind, but I'm leaning towards atheist more than spiritual now, and before it was the other way round.

Which created resistance in me as I started reading the introduction to The Artist's Way because it's all about how inspiration is a spiritual thing and to be creative is to be closer to God, and of course, my mind came to an abrupt halt, red lights blinking and everything, but then the introduction went on to say that if the reader was thinking these things or didn't believe in God or in anything, then that's fine, just don't let it stop you from doing the exercises because that's just your resistance talking, and when the reader came across the word "God" they shouldn't get hung up on semantics but replace the word with whatever rings more true, like flow, or creativeness, or inspiration, or positive energy, or whatever... and damn it, I'm both resistant and semantic, and I know it, so of course, I had to keep reading...

I don't own a copy of the book, I've only read the two different introductions and the beginning of the first chapter, since my teacher copied those pages and mailed out, but since I've already started on my morning pages, I think I should definitely get my hand on a copy. I checked out Amazon UK and found some fairly cheap used ones.

And to come full circle, I'll tell you that Kajsa just told me that see took that course about eleven years ago and it literally changed her life. So I guess we'll be talking a lot about that during the five hour drive to Gothenburg.

Commuting and plotting

Up at six o'clock for my first morning of doing morning pages (as recommended by The Artist's Way), feelings resistant the entire time, but I got through them, although I did cheat a little in that I washed up, brushed my teeth and made coffee before I started (I think you're supposed to basically roll right out of bed and start writing immediately. Also I think you're meant to write by hand, but I'm running low on note books, so I typed the pages on my laptop instead...)

I went into town to my sister-in-law's office in Old Town, to check out the rooms since I'll be cleaning there once a week starting next weekend when I'm not in Gothenburg for the film festival, for a little bit of extra cash. Then I had to rush back to the tube and travel all the way to Kungens Kurva for work at eleven -- same shift as yesterday, but I wasn't booked for it, but then when I was getting ready to leave last night, the guy came running up to me, on the phone with my contact person in the staffing company who does all my bookings, and wanted to know if I could work today as well, and I agree to do it, determined I'd make it work, and I did... only, when I got there and got to work, my contact calls me up on my mobile and tells me that she's double booked me, and that another girl is on her way, and she was technically booked before me, and would I mind going all the way through town to the other side of it and work in Järfälla today instead... and I did mind somewhat, but I agreed to do it anyway, besides, she said I'd get paid for the time I'm travelling as well, and I love commuting since I get all my ideas when I do... so I get my stuff together and leave again, and as I'm waiting for the bus, she calls me up again, and says the Järfälla people worked it out and wouldn't be needing me to come in... so then I went home.

I had a couple of great new ideas on my way home, though. So I'm not complaining at all. Also, I should be preparing for the pitch this weekend and pack for tomorrow anyway, and this way I have all day to do that... of course, knowing myself, I'll do neither, just post-pone it for tomorrow morning...

Off to a bad start

Just got an email from the director of the short film that I've been auditioning for, and I didn't get the part. I got call back twice, so I believe that they really liked me and after my last call back I actually took the train with the director and we ended up chatting and had tons in common and got on really well, so I don't doubt that we'll work together in the future in some capacity... but I'm still disappointed, of course. I thought the script she's written is really awesome, really funny and honest and original, and I think she's going to make an awesome film out of it and I really wanted to be part of it.

And now I have to go to Kungens Kurva and work all day at this store selling bits of wood and screws and other things I'm completely unfamiliar with, dealing with customers that are mostly rude and in a hurry... and I really need the money, which is something I've been telling myself since this morning when I went to bed, kept telling myself as I was trying to go to sleep and reminded myself thoroughly as the alarm went off a few hours later and told me to drag my arse to the shower. So I did. And I made myself a cup of coffee. And I had just enough time to sit down at my computer for a while before getting ready to leave, so I'm not stressed or anything, and it's not like last time I worked in that place when I had to start at a quarter to six, which meant I had to get up at three to catch the last night bus in order to get there, which meant I never went to bed... this time I'm on at eleven, and now is a perfectly reasonable to be up, and I'm not even that tired to be honest... I just really don't want to go work there, and I really have to. And that is a combination that makes me really not want to even more.

Plan updated.

Just talked to both Ana Maria and Cesar via Skype, at the same time, although Ana did most of the talking and Cesar sort of hung back, but then again, it's only fair since I've talked to him twice recently and I haven't talked to Ana in over a year.

She's got her heart set on a trip to Europe in September. So my plan now has three steps instead of two... make film(s) in Stockholm, save up for trip in September and save up for bartender course and move to London.

Still no reply from the producer. Which makes sense since it's midnight on a Saturday and she's probably not checking her email right now. I keep forgetting, just because I'm part-time insomniac and compulsively check my email every ten minutes, doesn't mean anyone else does...

Plans and dreams

So Anja is really excited about London now. Met up for coffee (although, surprisingly, I had tea for once.) and conversation again, inspiring and hopeful as always, and she'd mulled over my ideas about moving to London since the last time I saw her and it's grown on her, now she's really set on it. I love when that happens.

Sometimes, I get an idea in my head and I go overboard with my enthusiasm and it can sort of scare people off of the whole thing.

Like one night in Ana Maria's place in Kitsilano, when she still lived with Luis, and I was still together with Brett and we were both there, hanging out... Brett and I were on the balcony smoking, but we were allowed to leave the door open because it was summer and we were in the middle of a conversation. And Ana Maria and Luis, well one of them, I don't remember who thought of it first, but they started telling us about this place where you could skydive and it was fairly cheap, and they threw it out there "we should do that sometime, all four of us" -- and I've always wanted to skydive, and I was sold, sold, on the idea, I got excited and all hyper-y, and started planning it out, wanting to go that same weekend, and wanted to know if they were able to get away then or did they have work -- I didn't get why they were laughing at me at the time, but thinking back, I realize they must've thought I was acting like a big kid. I was dead serious about going, I would have gone that second if that was option. But the others were just talking. And we never ended up going, and I just hate when that happens, people get my hopes up on something when they never real have any intention of seeing it through... I guess that's some kind of collective form of daydreaming that normal people do for pastime, but I just find it really confusing and frustrating.

Anyway. London is definitely on the agenda.

Now I just have to convince Cesar to save up money to come visit us once we're actually settled down over there, and then I can bring him over to Sweden with me, and he can meet my family since they won't shut about wanting to meet him (well my dad and my little brother does, my mum's already met him.) and then I'll whisk him away to the town hall and marry him or something, so that I can keep him close to me forever and ever and ever (no Fatal Attraction vibes intended.)

In the much nearer future, I've just sent off an email with a script for a short film to an independent producer with whom I've worked twice, one the zombie film and the Roxette music video, who also happens to be a lovely, gorgeous lady, and I'm hoping she'll like the script and want to help me get it done.

Now I'm going to work in the 2nd act of my feature screenplay for a while before talking to Ana Maria and Cesar on Skype. The time difference is a real pain, but if there is a will, there's a way !

Hell yeah.

So the key to not go crazy and depress the hell out of myself, apparently, is... get out of the house and/or talk to a close friend, i.e. get out of my own head.

And today I've been really good, because I've done both. First, I talked to my sunshine, Cesar, via Skype -- twice! -- and when he had to leave for work, I left the house and went into town to have coffee with my closest (if not only) friend in Stockholm, Anja, at this queer-friendly, cozy coffee shop called Copacabana by the water at Hornstull that is my new favourite place in all of Stockholm (Cesar you would love it there!)

And sitting there chatting away with Anja, and before that when I was catching up with Cesar, it's like the weights in my chest and on my back are lifted and a curtain is drawn aside and I can see clearly, and everything feels possible, as opposed to when I'm pacing and brooding in my room or tossing and turning in me bed and nothing seems possible.

So I'm going finish my current work-in-progress scripts, I'm going to seriously start planning pre-production on one of the shorter ones, and I'm going to look into moving to London next. I'm thinking of doing my next internship period for this course at some production company or with some film-maker there and start making some connections, then I'm thinking of looking into some bartender courses over there and as soon as I've made some shorts, I'll relocate and somehow, I don't know exactly how yet, but somehow I'm going to convince Cesar to move there too (Anja's already on board; anyone else want to join in.. do it!) and we're going to have an awesome film collective for a while and really build up a good resume (after that, the states or Canada or film school in Edinburgh or something completely different, we'll see!) so that's the plan. I'm excited. Tell me what you think !

So tumblr... I'm over it.

Yeah. I have a livejournal for the geeky, fangirly, procrastinating side of things. And I know that I could just as easily use tumblr to write my usual type of blog entries, but it's just not the same. I log on there and I'm showered with .gif pictures and OMGs and it's all twittery surface, it's actually worse than twitter, because at twitter you're supposed to express yourself in less than whatever number of characters it is, 140 or something, but at tumblr, if you can skip the characters all together and just put a picture up there, preferably not even your own, but some strangers picture that's been passed on through a line of hundreds of other tumblr blogs, then that's optimal. Well, I started missing my old blog, so here I am.

I don't actually have time to write much right now, I'm heading out as I'm typing this, one arm tangled into a jacket sleeve and one eye on the clock, but I just wanted to put it out there; this blog will be up and running again, for those who care, so I'll talk to you again soon!