Okay, here's the deal...
I got into Emily Carr University, the course starts in September, I already have a ticket booked for late August, I have somewhere to stay when I get there, the program allows you to apply for a work permit on top of your study permit (apparantly) and finding a job is much easier over there than it is here, i.e. it's not completely fucking impossible... I'd be in a creative enviroment, I'd be close to my best friends, I'd be able to work on my own projects with my friends, maybe get the production company started, plus I already have an agent who really wants me to come back... Basically, what I'm saying, is that I have a life, for sure, in Vancouver just waiting for me to come back to it...
So, why am I doubting, why am I even considering other options? I was so certain that this was the right thing for me, that it was in my path, my destiny thingy, or whatever... but now I'm not so sure anymore... It could be due to some subtle brainwashing I've suffered from my mother and that I've been soaking up the overall negativity that is polluting this town... but it just doesn't feel right anymore...
I missed all the deadlines for applying to swedish acting schools... but there is one course. It's the Dramatic Institute in Stockholm. It's a year long Basic Film scourse where you get to try everything, directiing, script writing, photography, producing and all of it... It's free. No tuition. Plus you get a grant from the gouvernment to cover your living expenses. Plus student accommodation is available. And this is what I really feel like doing.
Except I wouldn't be in Vancouver. I would be on my own and by myself and I'd be risking everything. That's what it feels like. I'd be risking everything I kind of almost have.
Mike just told me via MSN that since I have a life already established in Vancouver I can always come back to it and take my time... but Emily Carr is for this september, and who knows how long my agent is willing to wait for me, and all my friends (all one of them, okay that's an exaggeration maybe...) will all have moved on by the time I get my arse over there probably, I mean not literally whereby they've forgotten about me or anything, but they'll have started their projects and careers and everything, so I'd be on the side, I'd be that swedish friend that can come and visit their lives and go for coffee or a drink with them and it'd be good to see me again and everything, but it wouldn't be the same, because I wouldn't have walked the miles with them, I wouldn't have done the time... that's what relationships are, and love, essentially, it's not fireworks and highlights, it's suffering through the seasons together, taking a stand side by side as life throws you one obstacle after another and being there for each other through all of it and then looking back at the whole spectable and say "Huh... well, look at that. We survived that. Together." and that's the thing. You have that. And that'll forever link you together. You did the time, your relationship passed the test, you didn't fall apart.
I kind of stole half of that theory from Alan Rickman's character in "Dark harbour"...
That's a great movie, you should see it. I've seen it 17 times. I maintain that it's a thriller, but Ana and Cesar (who both agreed to watch it with me since it was my last night in Vancouver!) say it's a very slow drama. Whatever. It's good. You need to watch it at least twice.
Any advice anyone have to give me, would be nice. Mike, I got yours already but if you have something to add, feel free...
3 comments:
hmm it sounds like your subconcious has already made up its mind about where you need to be, but because youre so used to debating with yourself about the options you have, the decision seems harder than it needs to be, and the "brainwashing" is making you doubt the plans you had for yourself. Or maybe i have no idea what I'm talking about :P I think it would be wise to go for a walk, away from all the negativity- to a place that makes you happy, and really ask yourself if you wanna stay in that enviroment or come back to a place where you have so many things going on, and can really take you to the places you want to go with your career. Personally my opinion is to come back to Vancouver, if for nothing else, just to get away from all the negativity and come back to a place where you can thrive.
Theres my 2 cents :)
well since emily carr is in september, that's what I would mean by take your time. That's a ways away, so you shouldn't decide immediately... unless you absolutely have to :S
Thanks guys. I'm not going to Emily Carr though. I've decided. So typical of me, don't you think? Always go for the wild card... well, that's why you love me. Right? RIGHT!? Anyways, I won't be a stranger. I'll just be swedish, which might seem like the same thing at first.... ahaha, but it's not! ;)
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