Just your normal Saturday night.

I've been sitting here, editing my novel for the past eleven hours without a break, now my brain feels like mush and I doubt even a zombie would want at it at this point.

Also, I was thinking.. I'm losing my ideals lately, and my silver lining hope from my childhood, you know, I used to believe that it was possible to change the world, that there could be world peace, and I still want to believe all that so much, I want to believe anything is possible, I want to believe in the good in people, I want to believe there is a point and purpose to there horrors that occur all around the world every second of every day, and I want to believe that people actually give a shit, and that they try and make a difference, and they're not sheep nor evil, and I want to believe that I can still save the world, like I used to when I was little.. and it makes me despair a bit, and I get sort of depressed, and frustrated, and I just want to hide under a blanket until wither away from starvation and dehydration when I start to realize that maybe I don't believe any of that any more..

I'm Frank in the bar scene (The Indian Runner) and just like Frank, I don't have it in me to get up off my arse and exit that bar, and face the real world, and like Frank I feel like I'm about to explode sometimes. Except I wouldn't beat a bartender to death with bar stool. I don't think.

Well. On a more positive note. There's this company called Wallmans in Scandinavia (?) and they do shows and dinner theatre and stuff like that, and I remember one time when I was a kid and visiting my brother here in Stockholm, it was when he'd first moved down here, and they still did the Water Festival every summer, and it was summer and we went to the festival, and there were a couple of girls and a couple of guys from the Wallmans ensemble performing there, and I remember being in awe of these charismatic, fun, dazzling people, and I remember wanting to do that, and be like that (I was a shy little thing with stage fright at the time) and anyways, even though I rather do film or plays than dinner theatre, it would still be fun to try it, I think it's something similar to what you did before, Cesar, where you serve the customers as well as entertain them on stage and stuff like that.. well, I'd forgotten all about them, but then my brother sent me a text message this morning, telling me they're auditioning this wednesday, and that I should go check out their website, so I did, and it said they didn't want any CVs or anything, but they wanted exceptional people who can waggle their ears (!) or juggle or something, I can do neither of course, but I still sent them an emailing introducing myself, so we'll see if they give me a chance to audition.. I don't know what reply I'm hoping for, to be honest.. I'm a nervous wreck when it comes to regular auditions with sides and serious dialogue and whatnot, but I have no idea what to do for this kind of audition, they're probably expecting some Singing In The Rain bullshit, and I'll just freeze up, make a lame joke, and fall down dead. Most likely.

Well, it's not like I'm really going to have time for this kind of thing right now anyways, what with school and stuff. I start Monday. I can't wait. I'm really nervous, though, because I don't honestly know what to expect or what they expect form me.. and the teacher did say at the barbecue yesterday that we shouldn't worry, because they'd chosen us ten (one was missing and one dropped out at the last minute, they're going to try and get a hold of one of the other ones that they had put as reserves..) out of all the ones who first applied, and then those who got called for interviews, and she said we were all exceptionally talented and it's up to her and the other teachers to help show us how to best utilize our talent.. and.. stuff. But what if you just got really lucky and then you're not as good as they thought you would be and then on top of that you don't improve at all? Huh, what then?

One of the girls from my new class, Min, invited everyone to come to this party she's throwing with her friends. It's tomorrow. I know I should go, because I need to be social from the get-go, but I also wanted to finish editing this stupid novel before the weekend's over, plus it's called an ABC party... Anything But Clothes... and I am not going to a party wrapped in my yoga mat.

I should get some sleep. Or eat something, maybe, that would be a good idea.. no, actually, they have a friend visiting, so I'm not venturing outside the limits of my room. I'll sneak out in the morning and grab some coffee and a sandwich..

Well, good night.