Forget Me Not

How's that for a new title for the film? "Forget me not" as in the flower... too cheesy? Fuck, I'm so cheesy lately... Well, I guess it's only fitting, since I was whiney already, haahaahaa... no.

Brooding on a Monday afternoon.

Okay, so I'm making living much more complicated than it has to be. I wish I could be in the moment, but I'm not. I'm never in the moment. I'm in the past and the five different futures I can imagine at a time depending on every choice I make or don't make, but I'm never in the present. And I'm never completely present. I'm not really here. And half the time I'm not really there, wherever, either, I'm not really anywhere, if not lost. But not in terms of not knowing where I am, more so why I'm here and where I should be. The whys are always trickier than the whats... Anyway, I was sitting in this coffee shop, it's called the organic coffee house and it's on the edge of Granville Island just before the bridge and I was killing time waiting for my call time on this student film I was doing this weekend at Emily Carr (which was a disaster by the way.) and since my call time kept getting post-poned I had a lot of time to kill... and I was sitting there by one of the tables overlooking the pond outside, listening to the bagpipe music being played on the stereo and observing the ducks as they waddled around and waggled their tail feathers and nuzzled their chests and nibbled on each other's wings... and I was thinking, if you're a duck, there is just no possible way to fuck up your life is there? I mean, what could you possibly do wrong? And then I thought, have you ever seen a brooding duck? No. And then I wallowed in self-pity for a bit and wished I was a duck and then I went and shot the stupid short film. But really though, when you think about it, what is the point? I mean, is there one? Is there supposed to be one? Did I miss the boat or something, because this seems kind of... I don't, not enough, but then maybe I'm over-demanding. Maybe the moon landing did take place and I'm cynical. Maybe Jesus was actually born in December as opposed to in June. And maybe Pluto isn't a planet... it doesn't change many things, does it?

I can relate to Frank, Viggo's character in "The Indian Runner", because if this is all there is... well, that's sort of terrifying, isn't it. And liberating too, I guess.

Had enough.

I'm defeated by my own words, and I'm struggling with imagery, but it's overlapping and then I get mixed up. I need to move out. I can't stand my living situation anymore. It's just not healthy for me. But I'm trying to focus on what little brightness there is to be found on the side of things, which is that in about a month I'll be leaving this place and I get to go home to my country and family and friends and the beautiful T and forget all about failed audition, chaotic characters, gross gnomes, time wasted and leather bags! I can't wait!

intersection

Last night in Death by Chocolate we were serving the few desserts we had on styrofoam plates. Yeah. The dish washer is now completely broken. It's not just leaking water all over the floor and posing as a grave safety hazard for the poor employees scurrying all over the place, but it's actually broken. Which meant we couldn't use any glasses, plates, cutlery or anything that required washing, but all disposable stuff. Cheap, I know.

I really don't want to go back there tonight.

On the upside I'm getting stuff done, well kind of, I'm writing anyway. I'm on the third draft of my screenplay. We're discussing possible ways of promoting the thing and so on. This is the creative stage of our project though and I'm trying to make the most of it because eventually we're all going to be frustrated, uncreative and hating each other most likely... I'm with Cesar right now in Big News coffee shop, or "the clock tower" as I like to call it, and we've been discussing web layouts and promotional pictures, it's all very exciting..

My back really hurts since yesterday, although I don't know why. Probably all the typing...

Also a shadow of a feeling has risen from the past, the unrequited love of my life has come back to haunt me, but that's okay, I'm coming home for christmas and new years and I'll get to hang out with all my darlings back home and it'll be just like the old days... hey, a girl can dream for a moment right, before she has to get back to reality! :)

Not Sorrow.

I had my second audition at Emily Carr the other day. It was a really awesome short, I didn't get the script until just before I had to go down there, but I read through it a couple of times and it was really imaginative and the writing was incredible, so I was pretty excited about the whole thing.

And as I was sitting outside the auditon room this guy comes walking up with a coffee cup to give to the person inside, and he says hello to me and the other girl waiting, and then I feel him looking at me, so I look back and smile, you know one of those awkward smiles between strangers who are literally stranded with one another. And he asks me if I'm on Casting Workbook and, short but drawn-out, awkward dialogue in summary: he was casting for the two characters in his own short in the building across the street and thought I would be perfect for the female one, only I hadn't come up as an option from Casting Workbook. And then he asked me if I'd have an extra 15 mins after I was done with this audition to come and read for him, and of course I said yes.

I did my audition, it was really weird, because it was a no dialogue scene, and the guy basically read the scene aloud and I just had to react to what he was saying and use that as direction. I hated it, I felt so lost and stupid, and I had to do it about four times, and by the end of it he and the girl were going on about how I was really in the moment (which I wasn't, but I didn't tell them that for obvious reasons) and the guy said he loved my eyes (that's constructive feedback right there!) but they seemed pleased, so I had my hopes up and then I ran to the other building and did a coldread with the coffee guy and he seemed even more pleased, so I don't know. I do know that I do much better with words than actions, so I'm sure I wasn't nearly as awkward in the second audition as I was in the first...

My agent called me today and said she'd heard back from the first guy and that it had been really close between me and another girl, and though he loved my audition and thought I was a great person and all, he decided to go with the other girl, but was it alright if he recommended me for other students at Emily Carr who were also doing final projects right now. So that's good feedback, I guess. It would have been great to do that short though, because it was a wicked story and very challenging character (the embodiment of Sorrow!) and whatnot, but ah well...

Still haven't heard from the second guy, so am still keeping my fingers crossed for that one.

Also I have a new audition for a commercial tomorrow and I won't get the sides until I get there, so it's either one of those stupid action-type of auditions, or a cold read. I hope it's a cold read (I'm good at those, at least.)

Now I have to finish the 2nd draft of my screenplay before going back to Roots for an employee meeting at 6:30 and then rush over to Ana's for a writing/production meeting at 7:30 -- I'm definitely keeping myself busy!

Oh, and it's raining.

I like for you to be still

I fell in love yesterday. It was my brief coffee break and I ran next door to the Starbucks almost hidden away in the pouch of Chapters like a baby kangaroo and got my fix of dark roast. Then I strolled around in Chapters looking at all the books I would like to buy but mustn't. And then I fell in love with the words of Pablo Neruba. (And bought "Twenty love poems & a song of despair")

Later that afternoon I got off work and went home and fretted about my non-existant Halloween costume whilst waiting for Cesar to join me and get ready and then we were heading to Davie to go clubbing because it's been almost a year since we have and I know Cesar misses it a lot and I kind of wanted to just be out somewhere and let go as well.. while I was waiting I also talked to my agent on the phone concerning two auditions, one student film I'll go for on Monday and one small role in a regular film that we both decided wasn't worth it right now...

Cesar and I were supposed to go to Celebrities but when we found out that the cover was $40 we decided to seek our adventure elsewhere and ended up in Numbers where neither of us has ever been before and it was sort of fun. We danced a bit, had a couple of beers (and I should not have, because we had a bottle of wine before going and I do not mix well - but surprisingly it was fine this morning, so I guess I'm one step closer to alcoholism! Three cheers and a tiger...) and stuff. Just before we left I went off by my own and ended up on the dance floor again and I saw the same blonde who had smiled at me in the staircase earlier and I decided to linger nearby and dance for a bit. She was busy dancing with another lady though, but then she saw me and started eyeing me and before I knew it she was no longer dancing with the lady in black cat costume but with me. And when I say dancing, I mean softcore foreplay of course. It was fun. I gave her my number and said I had to go (Well, Cesar was still waiting after all.) and she said she was going back to Seattle in the morning, but if she called this number would I come and see her before she left? I said yes and it was nice meeting you, and left.

Of course she didn't call me in the morning, but then I wouldn't have notice if she did. I woke up at three this afternoon and had two missed calls from Sweden and one text message. The message was from her (her name is Sandra) and she said she passed out and will I be coming down to Seattle some time (and "What's your name again, I can't read your writing" hehe..)

I look worse for wear today, but I feel fairly fine. I made some soup and took it with me to work. The sky is gloomy but life is good. Let's see if Chocolate can Kill it for me, shall we...