Suck a lonely day, and it's mine.

So yesterday my agent got me an audition for a horror film that I was supposed to go and tape at 2nd avenue and email to wherever. The project is called "Echoes" and it's your basic horror film setup. A group of 20-something-year-olds decide to break into an old and abandoned mental institution with a dark past and have a halloween party and things get ugly. I went for the part of Calie who was the Britney Spears-listening, gorgeous blonde of this crew and I obviously get killed off first along with my handsome but not too quick on the uptake jock of a boyfriend. Well, I don't have my hopes up for this one, but it would be fun to do if I actually got the role against the odds.

Anyway. I couldn't sleep, nothing new there, but did eventually doze off sometime early this morning. Overslept. Bus took forever. By the time I was downtown it was already ten o'clock when I was supposed to be at 2nd ave, and I had two more buses to catch. So, quite panicked, I thought I'd hail a cab, but then I remembered that my paycheck might not have gone through yet, so I wouldn't have enough money on my debot to pay the cab and 2nd ave, so I figured I'd use the money my dear mother put onto my swedish Visa card.. however, I wasn't sure I remembered the PIN correctly not having used it in about a year, so I went looking for an ATM to see if I could take out money... and the fucking thing ate my card! It was past it expiry date, I had my old card in my wallet and my new one still in the envelope at home!

So, completely desperate and hopeless at this point, I just started walking in the general direction of where I was going, which was east, and discovered there was a bus that would take me across the water closer to where the studio is located so I wouldn't have to take the 9 on the other side, so I hopped onto that and called 2nd ave to let them know I was running late, found the place, ran inside about 15 mins late, went in and rushed through my death scene, smacting all the way, and then I was out.

Hey, at least I made it there.

I'm in a coffee shop, in MY coffee shop rather, big new cafe on broadway and granville, and I am feeling very dejected, not because of the audition, but because I don't see a way for my to stay in the country after March, and I'm not talking just for those five months between the end of my work visa and the start of the art program I want to apply to in September, but at all, ever. I don't think I'm qualified to apply to Emily Carr. I was supposed to contact some translators to translate my academic transcripts right now, but I left the paper at home with the name of the company that does those, so I went to Emily Carr's website to see if they had the link there, and I realized that besides the translations they also need the original transcripts, sent from the various institutions that have issued each and every one of them, by Feb 1st. I can't just give them my copies, the schools have to send them! I am so, sooo fucked.

I don't know what to do. I had so many options, and I couldn't decide what do to, and now I have none. I'm telling you, 2009 hates me. I thought things were looking up and that my angel was watching over me, but really.. I see no light in this fucking tunnel and I am sick of this. I just want to catch a break. I want to sit down and take a deep breath and not have the entire fucking world weighing down on my shoulders like some gullible Atlas.

Auditioning

So the audition was fun. It was for a Nickelback music video, it turned out. I was paired up with a guy and we were sitting side by side on a couple of chairs that were playing the part of a car, and we sang "Living on a prayer" at the top of our voices and flirted and I fed him a cookie, etc.. then we were parked and he started making advances, I pushed him away and he gets aggressive.. anyway, we had instant chemistry, so it was great fun.

The callbacks are tomorrow, but I didn't get one. According to my agent I was too young.. but that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, cause the character was a 16-year-old, and I thought I'd be too old. I'm really confused about the whole thing.. anyways, would have been fun to get the gig, but I've got another audition already, a taped one, so that's a first. Don't know where or when I'm supposed to be taping this, but..

Ana approved of the script changes. So now we have our structure, time to dig deeper.

Monday and more to come

Had the worst night's sleep ever. But I'm feeling better today, thank you. My agent called me at midnight... let me emphasize: Midnight... and told me that I have an audition today in the afternoon. It's for some music video, band yet to be revealed. And they didn't give me any sides before-hand, so I'll have to memorize and prepare it on the spot, which should be fine, I think, cause it's a music video right, so how much talking could there possibly be? Right? Well, anyway. My audition is an four o'clock and I work between twelve and six-thirty, which also posed as a bit of a problem, but I just got off the phone with the lovely Mira, my manager, and she's letting me go, so now I just have to nail it.

Oh, and I'm going for the role of Girl, 16, and naturally beautiful... tssk. Well, let's put the puppy eyes to the test, right? I figured this would be a good chance to see if I'll pass for a 16-year-old, since that's also the age of the character I'll be portraying in mine and Ana's film whenever we get it made.

Speaking of which, after much fretting and brooding and trying to breathe, I finished the draft. I found the 2nd act, I hope, and simplified it and narrowed down the locations, and I'll be discussing it with Ana tonight... so I'll make sure to keep you posted on that. She probably won't like it at all, and I probably didn't find a 2nd act either, but hey... all part of the process, right. Just wish I wasn't running out of time!

Off to work now. Hey, maybe I should quiz the customers about my age?

GAH

I am not having a very good day off, at all. I'm really anxious right now, and I don't really know why, I mean nothing in particular has happened or gone wrong, but I'm having trouble breathing and it's messing up my ability to focus and that's very annoying. I'm supposed to be finishing the script right now, and it's almost done, just have the very last bit left to type up, not even come up with but type up, and I can't, because I can't sit still or see straight or fucking collect myself and it's driving me insane. At first I thought, well, I haven't been out of the war zone, I mean, apartment, all day so I just need some fresh air, and move my legs and get the circulation going, blood flowing, all that stuff so I went out for a walk and I got chest pains and dizzy almost immediately, like I'd been running a marathon, and I know I'm out of shape, but come on, that's just ridiculous. And I don't know what to do. I bought cigarettes, but even though smoking calms me down, it does nothing for my chest and then that makes me even more anxious since I'm a hypochondriac, and the whole vicious circle starts all over again. I hate 2009 so far, I really do. Not that 2008 was that great or any other year, except maybe 1994 and backwards, and I don't want to go back for the life of me, but come on, cut me some slack here, I just want to breathe properly, I mean is that realy too much to ask, really?

limbo 2009

My family's perfected the Art of Awkward Hugs. I just said goodbye to my dad and little brother. They're heading back to the hotel and my mum's driving me to the airport in the morning before they get back, which means I have no idea when I'll see them next... probably some time in the next year.

I'm in limbo right now. I wish I'd just be gone so it'd be done with. I wish I was back in Van having coffee and arguing about script changes with Ana and making up excuses for being late for work. I wish I had my everyday back.

One more night.