written hints of the future

First day of school today. I'm still keeping an open mind. (Also my horoscope told me I'm not allowed to pout and sulk just because things turn out differently than I've expected, or they won't develope as quickly as I'd like them to...) But it actually seems promising, although I dare not say anything in advance, we'll see how it feels tomorrow and then how it feels in two weeks. These things can't be emotionally rushed into anyway - don't judge a book by its cover and all of that - but I'm rather proud of myself for being so outgoing and nice today. I went for the myseriously thoughtful but openminded and kind personality. Not blatantly inviting people to crash the haven of my mind, but also not sending them on their way without hearing. Does any of that make any sense to anyone but me, I wonder?

My shoulders hate me very much today. I hate them too. I dozed off on the sofa when I got home because it hurt too much to be standing or sitting. So I fell asleep and woke up later in the evening and now I won't be able to sleep tonight either. Go me.

Katapult Publishing's newfounded literature/poetry magasine has accepted a few of my poems to publish in their first (or among their first) editions. At first I was over the moon. Now I'm drenched in cold sweat. I can't even remember what poems I sent them. But they are by no doubt awful and I will be deeply ashamed if they're published! I should have used a pseudonym....

I want to be able to create as beautiful photographs as Viggo. But I won't even bother to read my camera's manual. Bloody Hell I'm pathetic aren't I. (Note: See how there isn't any question mark? That means it wasn't really a question, or if it was it was rhetorical. Which means; Don't answer!)

a useless day.

Well today's been an utter waste of time. I missed my first bus, which turned out to be a good thing really, because then I had time to have my morning coffee, and I phoned the bloke on AME instead and going over the situation briefly went just as well over the phone anyway, and then we scheduled a new appointment for Thursday. I drank my coffee in peace and quiet, and then I caught the next bus into town.

I got to the dentist's office. I waited. I was called in. They asked me how things were going with my biteband, I said fine. They said alrighty then, and I was free to leave.

I phoned my mother's mobile, but there was no answer, so I decided to go to the library against my better judgement, where I - of course - ended up picking up a bagful of books (literally) which was rather heavy and not very good on my shoulders at all. I tried to phone my mother again, and this time she answered, and I went to meet up with her at her job. I waited. I read. She finished up and we went for a coffee.

She had a bus to catch. I went to the Worker's Theatre Association Club, I was an hour early, so I waited and I read. The meeting turned out to be completely useless, because hardly no-one bothered to show up. So they set up a new time. I got a lift home.

And that was my day.

...

Well. At least I borrowed some really good books at the library. A book on Andrew Lloyd Webber's musicals amongst others, with music notes for Jesus Christ Superstar and Evita, which I'll need for my audition. Also got McBeth and Hamlet for that. And the one I've started reading, which is really good even though it unfortunately has been translated into swedish, and that's A home at the end of the world, by Michael Cunningham.

After I'd settled down for a bit when I got home, had some to eat, and coffee obviously, I went out for a walk. And I visited the cemetery. And I hugged a tree. And then I walked back home again. My mother asked me Had I been smoking?, my dad said Didn't she know I've quit? and finally I said, No I was at the cemetery hugging a tree. They frowned, but didn't comment.

And tomorrow school starts, I'm really excited, I just hope I won't get lost on my way there... but it shouldn't be a problem, because mum's given me a description on how to go to get there from the station. Anyway, I got to the Worker's Theatre Association Club House today just fine. It'll be a piece of cake.

Also my new web site - my writing archive written in ink - is finally up. It's being hosted at drunken-lullabies.net (yay!)
Here, have a look.

Your Birthdate: May 20

Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading. The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly. Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group. You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection. You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil. It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in. When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

bloody summer in a nutshell

too... feckin'... hot!´...

I'm all but melting away, although it certainly feels like I am just that, so now I'm squished between two forces of heat - the fever from within and the summer heat from without - and here I was foolishly celebrating the arrival of autumn.

I went with my mother on a little expedition yesterday. We drove off to a neighbouring village, where they've opened a country life-looking coffee shop, in an old barn or whatnot, and it was quite cosy actually. On the way there, we also had the great fortune of passing a carwreckage by the side of the road. Of course I told mum to turn around and go back to it, and she did. We got out and took turns wielding the camera, and I got some really nice photos. That was happy happenstance number 1.

Number 2 came when we were sitting at the coffee shop, drinking said coffee. A little bird came soaring past our table and flew right into a window in the wall next to it and fell to the floor right behind me. Of course my immediate concern was for the bird's wellfare, obviously, but the impact hadn't been too hard and the bird was alright save for the shock. It lay panting for a moment, but other than that its wings and legs seemed to be just fine, so I hurried to take a picture of that as well, before the manager came and scooped it up carefully to dispose of it outside. Very happy indeed. I'd gotten some really good photos.

After that we went into town. I'd scheduled to meet up with Sara, and after we'd met up she came with me and my mother to my mother's friend Anita. We had coffee at her place, which was really nice by the way, I hadn't been there yet, she moved in about a year ago, and we talked a bit about this and that. Anita is a memebr of the Worker's Theatre Association in Söderhamn. I've e-mailed the head of the board requesting to join them, but I hadn't heard from them yet. But Anita told me I could, that the woman had seemed really thrilled about it, but hadn't been able to reply to my message because Internet is a cruel force of evil - or something like that - and they're meeting on the 29th to start off the autumn/winter term. Anite said I should come as well. That's the day before I start school. Time's running out - I can't wait to get started (with my life).

The moon was full last night as well. And it was beautiful. Full and perfectly round shaped, and glowingly orange. Even though I was having a "Lost"-marathon with my family, I had to tear my gaze from the TV screen and stare out the living room window which offered a magnificent view. I even took a few photos, despite the fact that the neighbours opposite had parked themselves on the steps up to their house as usual, and were drinking beer. I managed to take three photos, before they recognized the flashing for what it was, and I retreated before they came knocking.



I was going to organize my room today. But so far I haven't been able to do anything. I was up all night painting, and I only got up at half past three, and the heat's been slowly torturing me to death since then.

I need coffee. Let's see. Half six. Which means the sun will set soon. I think... Actually how would I know? But, 6:30 means evening doesn't it? Hate being this far up north this time of year.. bloody midnight sun-syndrome... well, not for much longer. Thank heaven....

These were taken by my mum (she seems to like having a personal model at her command.. although I do most of the commanding.. even when I'm in front of the camera...) :

coffee

Caught the noon train after having just woken up. Jenz was reading "American psycho" which he'd borrowed from Fredde about a month ago, and occasionally, when he encountered a particularly nasty paragraph he read out loud. When the train reached Ljusne, I got off and I walked the usually short distance home. This time however it felt like an eternity before I reached the house. Wasn't feeling so well, you see. Actually I started feeling ill already yesterday, but I just filed it under my usual hypocondria, but it still haven't gone away. In fact I've felt feverish all day. Also been sweating like mad, sneezed my soul back and forth between my body and the hands of Satan I think a million times by now, and except for the dull throbbing ache at the core of my brain, my head has felt completely numb. I almost wish I could say I've got a hangover, but aside from the fact that I didn't even get drunk last night, as I said, it all started yesterday, so I'm pretty sure I've got a cold. I only hope it'll pass and not get worse... I was scheduled for a photoshoot again tomorrow, and besides that, if I do get seriously ill again, I probably won't get any medication from the doctor, because it's not so long ago since I was on medication last time and if I eat them too often I'll get immune just like when I was younger...But there's a definite upside to this whole scenario as well; I've got the house all to myself until tomorrow. Which means I've lighted candles all over the living room and been watching old "Midsomer Murders"-episodes all afternoon. And after that I watched the "Lost" re-runs on telly. Basically, on the whole, it's all been quite cosy! Except for the cold-bit, but I took a painkiller for the headache at least, and the other bit wasn't that horrible, after all I'm used to being dizzy and disorientated, and during the summer I'm always bothered by the heat... Only wish I weren't so weak. I'd very much like to do some painting, or writing for that matter, but I can't seem to build up the energy at all... I sat with a writing pad earlier, thought I'd scribble some ideas or poetry while the commercial was on, but all I could think of to write down was "coffee"... I think the fever has really gone to my head... Or perhaps I'm just coming down from my caffeine-high...

{ just restless insight }

Just a person;
just rags and bones and a heavy past
upon a searching soul, clinging to
any ensurance of comfort and self-confirmation
there is to be found.

Just like me;
and suddenly the roles are reversed
somehow, when I wasn't paying attention,
those I've clung to have turned around and squeezed the breath
out of me with their needy hugs

Just like that;
and driven me away from them
in their fear of losing me in the first place,
reminding me for an umptieth time that
I am not a people's person.


I imagine my life in a bag, ready to move,
to re-locate, whenever I feel like it.

I imagine the streets of Venice on a clear autumn day,
and a mildly crowded coffee-shop in London.
A cemetary in Paris and the pale skies in Edinburgh at christmas.

Even the insufferable sun over the african desert, even though
I can't stand neither heat nor light or the texture of sand, but all the same,
just because I can go there, and I can leave again.

I imagine a new town every day, a new country every week,
just to feel myself moving, to ensure I'm alive.

And then I imagine the hundreds of postcards
fighting each other for space on my parents refridgerator,

just to remind me that I have a home to go back to,
and that I don't have to.

A mirror might as well be a window
depending on how you look at it.
But a wall is a wall and never much more,
unless you're feeling particularly violent
and use a big hammer.

Note: the text above is not meant to be poetry.

there goes gravity

And I'm back.

We arrived home last night, after a good five days' trip, where three were spent relaxing and spending quality-time together with friends and family, and two were spent travelling from A to B and back again.

For those of you who aren'ty up-to-date with this little adventure I've been out on, I can tell you that I've been down to the swedish west coast together with my family. We had been invited to stay at (my older brother Fredrik's girlfriend) Annelie's parents summer house, and also on the way down we stopped by Gothenburg and met up with my cousins, Robin and Krille and their father Anders, at the Liseberg tivoli. I also met up with my boyfriend and talked to him over a cup of coffee, somewhat difficult chat, but life's not easy all the time I guess. I hope I won't lose him over this, he's one of my best friends.

Annelie's parents (Birgitta and Eje) summer house was lovely, and the town itself was beautiful as well. Such a fantastic scenery there by the sea, and the sky was absolutely breath-taking (you know me and clouds: I was out of it for quarters of hours at a time, just staring at the cloud formations and the light and shadows interacting across the smudging blue -- and when we got to the beach... what with all of that reflected in the water... I'm as speechless now as I was then...) Took some photos while we were down there, so I can show you what it was like to some extent...

that's mum, annelie and birgitta walking ahead of me, we're on our way to the beach

this is the beach

this is a stone on the beach

this is annelie standing on the beach

this is a pidgeon sitting on a telephone pole

and this is the whole group of us standing outside Varberg's fortress