So I got tumblr.

After much brain washing from DeathShrike (not really, he mentioned it a couple of times) I got around to getting myself a tumblr account, but I'm still going to keep this blog since I've had it for so long, and it's got all my old journal entries. But I might not update it for a while (or at all, who knows) So if you want to keep reading about my boring existence, you might want to update your bookmarks... http://idathomasdotter.tumblr.com/ would be the new address, then. Hope to see you there. (Don't you just love that word: tumblr... well, tumbler, would be the word, but isn't that cutely (?) spelled as well... Okay, I was sarcastic on the last one but not on the first one, I actually do like that word.)

Feverish thoughts

I've had another long chat tonight, and we dug a little deeper still I felt, and I'm quite overwhelmed right now, mentally and energetically, I feel feverish, like I do sometimes when my energy is on overdrive or whatever it is. I''ve also had plenty of food for thought on an intelllectual and spiritual level. Perhaps I'm not an atheist, after all, but still an agnostic. The desire to believe is so strong in me that I can physically feel it in my skin and pulse. (It Mulder and I...)

New chapter: writing in Sunne

I got on a train and ventured into the great unknown of Sunne in the middle of nowhere Värmland in Sweden to meet up with my new class on Thursday. As usual when starting something new and meeting a new group of people, I hated it immediately, started to doubt the whole idea and just wanted out. There was one person that I had a positive inkling about at first "sight" but other than that I was overwhelmed by the oh-so-familiar sense of not belonging, and spent most of my energy on staying afloat. And so I met up with my class on the second morning, way too early, feeling low, anti and decaffeinated, but when we reached the destination of the day, everything changed. We spent the day even further away from civilisation (close to what I'm used to, woods and fields and water and a couple of barns) in the most inspiring and beautiful place imaginable; the place is called Alma Löv museum, it was started by our course leader Sara Broos' parents in the 70's, and her dad told us the whole story as a very entertaining and inspiring fairy tale almost, and that, combined with her mother's amazing paintings and the coffee, were worth the trip, not just to the museum, but to Sunne (which was hell, by the way, with all the shit I packed, as usual) and then we got to wander around and look at the pavilions that were spread out across the plot, that each of them were a work of art by a different artist, some had installations, some were filled with drawings, or sculptures, and they were all unique and genuine and inspiring. Then we had an intense workshop with actors Amanda Ooms and Peter Eriksson, who performed our texts, and that was amazing too.

It got a little easier throughout the day and evening to spend time with certain people in the group and talk to them, which made the experience of being in a group a lot easier to handle for me, even though I'm feeling strong rejection and negative energy coming off a few people, it balanced out a little more and now I don't feel quite as isolated and alien as I did yesterday. The inkling I had about that one person proved right as well, today I felt we connected on a deeper level, not just energy-wise, but intellectually, we had a long chat that revealed we have a lot of things in common and are very alike--who knows what, or if, it'll lead to anything beyond that, but it's still nice when something like that happens, it's like being lost in a foreign country and all of the sudden you hear a voice somewhere in the crowd that's speaking your language--and I've warmed up to a couple of other people in the group as well, in a more light-hearted way.

Tomorrow we get to pitch an idea to a producer, just for fun, and fun is not the word I would have used, but I'm going to wing it and see what happens--I'm so out of my league in this place, and this group, everyone else are like working professionals in the business already, it seems, and I'm the only one with no real experience or anything, but--I'm hoping for some good feedback and inspiration from listening to the others, before we do the real thing at the Gothenburg film festival .

(also, I have a crush on a "teacher" again)

Gudrun Schyman and other beacons of light

So elections are coming up in Sweden, and things are just ridiculous right now. We used to have wide (-ish) range of different parties that you could vote for, but last election the right wing (affectionally referred to as the "bourgeois" parties, although the translation is rather iffy) along with the center party formed an alliance and won the election, this year the left wing (consisting of the Socialdemocrats who aren't all that left anymore, but is supposed to be party for the common workingclass person, anyway, and the left party, formerly communist now socialist, basically) and the enviroment party has formed an alliance as well, and so the election is really between these two extreme opposites, that are looking less extreme by the minute as the debates continue, since both "blocks" are inching towards the middle in order to gain more voters, and so instead of debating about all the crucial questions that the public needs answered, it's seems that the entire election has been stripped down to the one difference that the two "blocks" can honestly stand up for, and that's taxes: to lower or not to lower the taxes is, apparantly, the question.

Never mind the statistics of unemployment and outrageous injustices in our public sector. The right wing is addressing people's greed, of course we have to care for our young, our sick and our elders, but in politics you always have to prioritize and at the end of the month you want to be able to have enough money left in your bank account to nurture a healthy savings account as well as afford to indulge yourself some additional pleasures and enjoyments... no mention of those who don't have any money left at the end of the month, or those who don't have enough money to even last them all month, no mention of the unemployed, the poor, the sick who can't pay their medical bills because apparently health insurance has become synonymous with economic support and aid that can be doled out selectively, as opposed to a fucking right.

But you know, I'm just so sick of it. My mother's a part-time politian, she's stubbornly fighting the fight, speaking for the those who can't speak for themselves, she's marching for this and that, she's debating and rolling that heavy rock up that cliff, and I honestly admire her stubborness or gullability or whatever it is, I myself gave up on that particular game when I was about fifteen. Because the truth is, the human race is a herd animal cursed with an ego and consumed by greed, so as much as it kills me to admit this... there will always be a class system, there will always be wars and there will always be injustice in the world as long as we're around.

The whole idea behind solidarity is like a childhood fairytale that we day dream about in moments of nostalgia, but when it comes right down to it, it's every person for themselves, and we only need a couple or so other people in our herd so fuck the rest of the planet's population. I used to want to save the world too, as a kid, and I used to believe in the possibilty of peace on earth and equality, I used to believe in human rights and that all people were created equal and born with equal rights, opportunities and a fair chance, but... let's face it. That's just not the reality we live in, is it?

Well, I'm not completely giving up. I have one -ism that I still feel passionately about, that I'm still willing to fight for - feminism - and there are beacons of light that keep me going and keeps me from throwing in the towel completely. My mum being one. Gudrun Schyman being another, spokesperson for the fairly new party called feministic initiative, that I'm voting for (although, there's no F! in my hometown, so I'm still voting for my mum in the county election)

The other night she wiped the floor, as always, in a debate with a representative from the Swedish Democrats (a xenophobic party that seems to have one issue they're passionate about and that's to stop immigration) and it was pure awesomeness. She talked circles around him and wasn't fazed once, while he started blinking and spluttering and stuttering more and more as it became clear that he had nothing against her arguments. At one point she actually said that he was so ignorant about the issues he was trying to debate that it was getting embarassing, and she was right.

It reminded me of a debate she was in years ago, when she was still leader of the left party, when she was supposed to be grilled by the host and the other guest, and she just wouldn't be fazed, she had a logical, brilliant answer for everything and she delivered it in her professional, calm yet still quick-witted manner, whilst the person who was brought in to grill her kept getting redder in the face and eventually was rendered speechless. (He had a heart attack after the show and had to be taken to the emergency. He survived though, so it's okay to laugh. Kind of...)

I've been staying in my childhood home, visiting my parents for the past week, and sort of loading my emotional batteries. It was well-needed I think. I'm starting to feel alive and less depressed now. I also cut my hair again, and then I found my little brother's razor and went a little crazy. But I'm happy with the result, I feel like myself, more than I did before, which is weird because I never had this type of butch rocker haircut before. I guess it was about time I tried it.

Been generating some new ideas, but haven't been doing a lot of actual writing, but I think I'm about ready to in a bit. I just need to think a bit longer, then I can get down to it.