rooms.

I paused by the curb of the pavement, put the cigarette to my mouth and inhaled deeply, the afternoon gloom of the sky around me seemed to waver and trickle down over the City exterior, as a tinted filter over a photograph; a flutter of unease grazed the inside of my skin; I caught the abiding presence of my two friends in my peripheral and an overwhelming urge to wander off in my ribcage. It catches up to me every so often, sooner or later, this silly desire to get lost.

I took another few steps, still uncertain, crossed the street and felt my friends follow. I eyed the familiar windows of the used books' store on Richard's and Pender and did my best to ignore the absurd want to climb out of my skin that welled up inside of me; my two friends, meanwhile, lingered loyally like trusting ducklings nearby, nearly too close, but not quite.

"So what do you want to do?" one, or both, of them asked.

"I want to eat breakfast", I replied and crossed the street again and started walking towards "Smile's diner" where they do in fact serve breakfast all day.

Am I narcissistic? I don't mean to be. I never intend to be self-absorbed, no-one bores me as much as myself, but I think I might be. Ana Marie says there is a line around me that no-one can cross, not even her, she says she literally feels it and not even she knows what this line is. She says I protect myself, I never meet anyone halfway, just wait for them to come to me because that's what I'm used to, and I never put myself on the line. I like to play with fire, I like the danger of getting burnt, but I never burn, I run back behind my line before the flames have a chance to lick me. Isn't that horrible.

Like the night before when I left my friends and joined Patrick and James instead who were going to get pizza before meeting up with the others again at some other pub, and I walked with them and talked occasionally but listened to them mostly, and when we got to the pizza place I paused and smoked a cigarette (that was sub-conscious test no. one), they didn't wait for me but went inside and ordered their pizza slices. So what did I do? I wandered off down the street, not too far, but far enough so that they couldn't see me if they looked out the window. I lit another smoke and sat on the ground and waited. Neither of them came looking. Tony called me though, wondering where I was and said he'd come meet up with me when I told him. I watched Patrick and James come out of the pizza place, did nothing to make my presence known, and realized quickly that they had forgot about me as they started walking away in the opposite direction. And that's why I spent the rest of the night hanging out with Tony. Because I always wait for you to come to me, and if you don't, you're not in my life. Black or white, always. So limiting. I hate it. I want to meet you half-way, I want to burn again, I really do, I just don't know how anymore.

Nathan got me and Cesar tickets for the ballet last night. "Sleeping Beauty" performed by the Royal Winnipeg Company. Nathan turned out to be a lot less mysterious, interesting and dangerous as I had thought, and I figured him out almost instantly, which was a disappointment since I expected him to be a match for me, but nontheless, he's still a cool and kindhearted guy, when it suits him, and I still have some quite entertaining conversations with him (this all said with "love" and in good fun, of course!)

Cesar and I were appallingly out of place, which was rather funny truth be told, amongst the straight-backed, high-heeled, dolled-up ballet-goers in our worn-out jeans and sweatshirts, and I promised Cesar that the next time we go to the ballet wh shall be very much dressed to the nines and make the most glorious of entrances, very much like this middle-aged lady we saw there, a black and white gown swept around her and wearing something frilly on her head which appeared to be the love-child of a mourning veil and wedding cake.

I am quite out of my mind today. Not in a destructive or negative way at all, in fact I feel quite creative, only a bit confused, my mind is racing and I have have decided to sit back and watch it go, I have also written a list of small, important, things. Writing lists, is one of them. It's funny, I've realized today that the things that keep us sane are the things that keep us insane. Undoubtedly. Black candles, another thing on my list. I like black candles.

I've been thinking a lot about rooms lately as well.