Work, work, work

Today was supposed to be spent editing "Varma Mackor" but while at work (the paying one) yesterday they wheedled me into working today as well, something I deeply regret at the moment. I'm on the train, half-way there, it's six o'clock and I feel undead, and not in a romantic way. I had to get up at 4:20 this morning, about half an hour at least before the sun dragged its lazy behind over the sky line, feeling less than chipper since I got home from a late production meeting at midnight after having worked all day and thus got about four hours of sleep at the most, all in all not entirely unusual, except I'm not filming. It's a regular bread job. Not okay, really not. And I work tomorrow too. Tell you what, though.. I'm not accepting any more hours in august. I don't have the time or the energy, and I certainly don't need to, I have more than enough for september's rent and bills now.. I'm really stressed out about my projects right now. Well, "Varma Mackor" mostly since all the new projects are already taking up what little time and energy spared by the stupid bread job, and I don't see how I'll be able to finish editing it and find a sound technician if this goes on.. Also my producer has been MIA since the shoot, which worries and frustrates me as well. At least I know where to start once I find the time to sit down in the editing room again, thanks to Anja's feedback.

Talk of things unreal and real.

Spent the day with Anja at Filmbasen. She watched the rough cut of "Varma Mackor" and gave me feedback, we talked about everything as always, including future plans. Briefly, we touched on the the idea of starting a production company together, but she had to go to work and we didn't really have time to get into it, just threw it out there as a possibility. 

I've been listening to Bonnie Tyler and Kim Carnes. Weird, I know. 

Today was also the official first day of my idiotic diet, that I've decided on, for losing a whole bunch of weight, that I probably can't spare, for the role in Tove's film. Anja got pretty upset with me when I told her, but eventually backed down (probably for strategic reasons since she, herself, dropped a diet bomb on me when she told me she's going to start eating fish again, and realised that she couldn't expect me not to get upset with that if she was upset with mine) 

Other than that I feel (generally anxious and) like time's slipping out of reach. I don't know when I'll be able to finish "Varma Mackor". The paying type of work is getting in the way and is not only time-consuming but steals my energy and inspiration as well. I started working on the second draft of the screenplay for my next film this morning before it was time for me to go meet up with Anja, but I can't really focus, and I have all this other shit muddling my mind right now, all my own fault of course, since it's all, entirely, one big figment of my imagination. Told Anja about that, too. Knew I could, because I knew she'd get it, and she did. What's so frustrating, though, is that no matter how unreal the situation is, and no matter how perfectly aware of that I am, the feelings generated from it are completely real, because there's no such thing as imagined feelings, feelings aren't either real or unreal, they are what they are, they're as real as they can ever be while you have them and when they go away they're not there anymore, it's basic, crude, nerve reactions or whatever, like electrical sparks in the brain or something, no more, no less, but has more of an impact on you than any other thing, it's fascinating really, when you think about it. Terms like "real" becomes insufficient when you're talking about feelings, and I think that's why I like paying attention to them more than logic and reason most of the time, because I've always felt "real", as a concept to relate to, was rather muddled and confusing, so I get feelings, because they're not this rigid thing, they're just exactly what they happen to be at any given moment, and that I can relate to. 

Anyway. That's a tangent.

I'm going to give writing another go now. Back to earning money tomorrow, so I should make the most of tonight on the creativity front.  

Well, then... I was expecting "Narcissistic", but this...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

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Jag tänker på de gröna skyltarna

creative hiatus and mild insanity

I have plenty of things to do that are put on hold right now because I'm stuck working my "day job" all weekend. Which, as i'm sure you can imagine, is extremely frustrating. Also, I do not feel up to being politely cheery right now, especially when 90% of the customers don't have the decency to return the favour and I'm congested and feverish and my head hurts.. And on the personal front, I've created a situation that will not lead to anything good. So far it's only in "my own little world" and a distraction at worst, but these things have a tendency to leak into reality and I can't afford to let this do.. I can't go into detail, obviously, so I know this makes no sense whatsoever to anyone (except maybe Ana or Cesar, if you're reading this) but it doesn't matter. I'm just as fogged as usual, that's all anyone needs to know.