Auditioning

So the audition was fun. It was for a Nickelback music video, it turned out. I was paired up with a guy and we were sitting side by side on a couple of chairs that were playing the part of a car, and we sang "Living on a prayer" at the top of our voices and flirted and I fed him a cookie, etc.. then we were parked and he started making advances, I pushed him away and he gets aggressive.. anyway, we had instant chemistry, so it was great fun.

The callbacks are tomorrow, but I didn't get one. According to my agent I was too young.. but that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, cause the character was a 16-year-old, and I thought I'd be too old. I'm really confused about the whole thing.. anyways, would have been fun to get the gig, but I've got another audition already, a taped one, so that's a first. Don't know where or when I'm supposed to be taping this, but..

Ana approved of the script changes. So now we have our structure, time to dig deeper.

Monday and more to come

Had the worst night's sleep ever. But I'm feeling better today, thank you. My agent called me at midnight... let me emphasize: Midnight... and told me that I have an audition today in the afternoon. It's for some music video, band yet to be revealed. And they didn't give me any sides before-hand, so I'll have to memorize and prepare it on the spot, which should be fine, I think, cause it's a music video right, so how much talking could there possibly be? Right? Well, anyway. My audition is an four o'clock and I work between twelve and six-thirty, which also posed as a bit of a problem, but I just got off the phone with the lovely Mira, my manager, and she's letting me go, so now I just have to nail it.

Oh, and I'm going for the role of Girl, 16, and naturally beautiful... tssk. Well, let's put the puppy eyes to the test, right? I figured this would be a good chance to see if I'll pass for a 16-year-old, since that's also the age of the character I'll be portraying in mine and Ana's film whenever we get it made.

Speaking of which, after much fretting and brooding and trying to breathe, I finished the draft. I found the 2nd act, I hope, and simplified it and narrowed down the locations, and I'll be discussing it with Ana tonight... so I'll make sure to keep you posted on that. She probably won't like it at all, and I probably didn't find a 2nd act either, but hey... all part of the process, right. Just wish I wasn't running out of time!

Off to work now. Hey, maybe I should quiz the customers about my age?

GAH

I am not having a very good day off, at all. I'm really anxious right now, and I don't really know why, I mean nothing in particular has happened or gone wrong, but I'm having trouble breathing and it's messing up my ability to focus and that's very annoying. I'm supposed to be finishing the script right now, and it's almost done, just have the very last bit left to type up, not even come up with but type up, and I can't, because I can't sit still or see straight or fucking collect myself and it's driving me insane. At first I thought, well, I haven't been out of the war zone, I mean, apartment, all day so I just need some fresh air, and move my legs and get the circulation going, blood flowing, all that stuff so I went out for a walk and I got chest pains and dizzy almost immediately, like I'd been running a marathon, and I know I'm out of shape, but come on, that's just ridiculous. And I don't know what to do. I bought cigarettes, but even though smoking calms me down, it does nothing for my chest and then that makes me even more anxious since I'm a hypochondriac, and the whole vicious circle starts all over again. I hate 2009 so far, I really do. Not that 2008 was that great or any other year, except maybe 1994 and backwards, and I don't want to go back for the life of me, but come on, cut me some slack here, I just want to breathe properly, I mean is that realy too much to ask, really?

limbo 2009

My family's perfected the Art of Awkward Hugs. I just said goodbye to my dad and little brother. They're heading back to the hotel and my mum's driving me to the airport in the morning before they get back, which means I have no idea when I'll see them next... probably some time in the next year.

I'm in limbo right now. I wish I'd just be gone so it'd be done with. I wish I was back in Van having coffee and arguing about script changes with Ana and making up excuses for being late for work. I wish I had my everyday back.

One more night.

Letter for Cesar #1

Hi my love.

If you're thinking I'm going to be this awful at keeping in touch with you the entire time we're a part, then worry no more! It will all change as soon as my hostages release me into the real world and I can go back to my life in Van, which I still have by the way, a co-worker of mine emailed me and told me I'm on the schedule for next week, so at least I won't be unemployed and homeless when I get back so that's a good thing.

I had quite the new year's eve with a good Cabernet Sauvignon and kisses from the beautiful girl of my obsessions, but unfortunately it had a very disappointing turn of events right about the time of "Happy new yeeeeaaar"s and came to a quite anti-climatic ending when said nymph took off to a neighbouring in-the-middle-of-nowhere-town to go to a party together with her personalized prince charming who is currently studying to become a pilot in Germany but was also home for the holidays, and I was left to resort to the good-old pub where I stood in the corner with my best friend, sipped on a pint of swedish beer and watched in mild disgust as girls all dolled-up in gothic attire who looked to be all of thirteen years of age rock out to such heavy tunes as "Womanizer" by your darling Ms Spears and "I kissed a girl" by whatshername...

Cesar, the sunshine of my existence, so far, I regret to announce, 2009 sucks...

I've been a wreck these past few nights, if you thought I was bad the night before I left Vancouver, you should see me now. I've been anxious about the future and obsessive and manic and depressed all at ONCE and finding my precious precious copy of "Recent Forgeries" (and before you make the outrageous mistake of asking "What's that" I suggest you do some research because I will not tolerate that sort of blasphemy right now) and re-reading it over and over didn't even help to calm me down and for your information that's very bad because ever since my mum gave it to me for my whatever birthday (20th I think) it's always done the trick, always! It's calmed me and inspired me and made me positive for so many years of sleepless nights. But this time it's like my surroundings are working against me. There are so many things around me, especially in the bookcase and closet in my old room, that remind me of past moments. And it's like i'm stuck in a museum dedicated to a former life that is supposed to be familiar to me and it is but I just don't fit in it anymore and that scares me but more than anything it makes me dangerously nostalgic, and you know me, when I start to reminisce... It's like a black hole. Anyway, I've got my coffee and my laptop and my family's not bothering me for once and now I am going to write! because one thing that's been positive is that I had some major new ideas for the film!

Also I have discovered the joys and conveiniences of drinking coffee from a cup with a saucer!

love you miss you
ida