Wake-up Call.

Gone to Stockholm with my family over the weekend. Simon and I just went with Milou (my neice) on a walk so she'd fall asleep in her pram. I just got my laptop out to watch Cesar's latest video blog and got a small but very attentive audience, my nephew Theo, who stood as transfixed next to my chair and stared at the screen, then demanded with gestures and gurgling (but without tearing his gaze from the screen) to be placed in my lap so he could see it better (and curl his little fingers around my hair, or earlobe, or bra strap...)

My friends kidnapped me and I hung out with them for a few hours. We sat on Tess' balcony (although she wasn't there, she's on Gran Canaria with her new boyfriend.) and drank beer, chain-smoked and talked shit and made stupid jokes. It was fun, I mean it wasn't not fun, I had a good time, which I usually do when I take it for what it is, and in small doses, because I can adapt easily in social situations, it's just depending on the people or the circumstances I can keep it up for longer or shorter periods of time or more or less frequently. But it's becoming more and more apparant that I don't belong in my old circles, I've branched out and lost my grip. I'm an alien here now. My friends and I barely have any common interests left. I have a good enough time when I hang out with them, but I want different things out of life and I also think I've changed a bit while I've been living in Canada, and there's a gap between us now. If they've changed they've changed in a different direction than I have, because we're not on the same page anymore. It's confirmed.

Oh, and I got into an argument about legalizing prostitution again. Seems like that is a universal subject, and I've yet to find people who actually side with me on this, except for my mum, so I'm beginning to think maybe there's something wrong with me, maybe I'm the crazy one, I don't know... I just can't wrap my mind around that way of thinking, but whatever. I don't have the energy to get involved in any issues right now. A teacher from my old elementary/secondary school (who I didn't even had, I had his wife, in Art) told my dad once that I was unique girl, or in his own word "not the kind to come by the dozen", sometimes I wonder if that's actually a positive thing...

I'm going to write a few articles for "Kustnytt" (a local magazine), unfortunately I won't get paid for them, but at least, I don't even know, practise, motivation, see my name in print, whatever, there must be something positive to gain from it.

My brother's girlfriend, sorry, wife, Annelie, is great to talk to. She's not negative like everyone back home, and she's great to brain storm with and always helps me find perspective and things just feels a bit easier when I'm around her. We just talked about my situation, and she suggested biting the bullet and try and get a job in that tele support company where all my friends work just through the summer to save up money, and she said I'm too restless and have too much of a drive to get stuck, but if I should, her and Fredrik will drag me out. I think she's right though, I've been so many places and done so many things, I wouldn't get stuck, like Annelie said, the people who get stuck are the people who never left in the first place.

I should take a mind-numbing job, temporarily, and write on the side, and then set my goal to go back to school in the autumn, hopefully I'll get into that course at the Dramatic Institute, if not, I'll get that stupid high school diploma and get it over with (although I still maintain that I shouldn't have to and that the Gods of Bureaucracy are against me!)

I'm going to do my part as aunt now. Until next time.

Maybe I'm too focused on all the things that I don't want to do and feel I should and/or am forced to do. Come to think of it, I haven't really given much thought, at all, to what I actually want to do. Right now, I mean. In the long run I know what I want out of life on that big full monty scale. But right now, right this minute, I'm sitting here thinking, "I don't want to go into town. I don't want to see my friends. I don't want to be social and sit around doing nothing but talk about pointless boring shit for hours on end drinking coffee and chain-smoking, what's the point, etc etc etc..."

But, what do I want to do then? No idea. Nothing. Except, I don't want to be wanting to do nothing. I want to do something. But nothing in particular comes to mind. And then that makes me anxious and on it goes and this is so stupid, it's so stupid- and now my friends called and they're tired of waiting for me to get my arse to their place so they're picking me up. Jaha.

yay, easter. pah.

I logged onto Facebook to watch my friend Cesar's latest video blog, it's the 3rd one he's done and I think he'll be posting them daily, it's just really nice to hear his voice and see him and everything, because I miss him a lot, those of you who know him will appreciate that, and just imagine, I used to live with him. So I think it's understandable that it's leave a void.

And as I was logged into Facebook I saw that I had a new mail or message or whatever as well, so I went to check it... and imagine my surprise when it was a reply from my little brother to a message I ever sent!

You're the best!

Between Simon Johansson and You

Ida Nieninque Thomasdotter

09 April at 22:40

Simon, i don't know how you do it, but you are SO cool and good.
Everything i, or some other amateur does, you do it SO much better.
It looks so easy when you do it. You are SO cool and awesome, and I would be SO happy if you would answer.
Maybe i could get your autograph? See, that would be so great.
I like Backstreet Boys you know, AND WESTLIFE, they are so cute, aren't they?
I and LOVE to watch friends!

Ok, have a good time!

Ida!

Simon Johansson

09 April at 22:42

Okej?? Ida, haru tråkigt eller?? Jag vet att du ser upp till mig, o att du tkr jag är bäst men jag trodde aldrig du skulle det på facebook??

Simon


...My brother, the Facebook Hacker.

I've been looking into student housing in Stockholm. Not as easy as I thought it would be. But then again, nothing ever is, so why am I surprised... You have to wait in line for these shitty student bachelors that cost a fortune for YEARS... that is insane. Ridiculous. Really.

So I think my mother has decided to be a closet easter celebrator this year as well. She's given my brother an easter egg, under the table, figuratively. And she's cooking. Easter type food. I am not impressed. This is not a holiday we celebrate, on her initiative. Why is it that when normal people have a midlife crisis they get a tattoo and porche, my mum becomes a closet christian? I guess she already has two tattooes, and I don't have the money for a porche, but if she's going to be secretly religious, then what's wrong with buddism, she was saying only yesterday how much buddism makes sense and how out of all the religions she sympathizes with that the most... well, buddists don't chickens to commemorate the crucifixion of jesus christ. Oh no. They eat parsley and meditate and, and... well, I don't know exactly what they do, but they, yeah... I'm a witch. That's as close as I'll get to religious sympathy, it was either that or atheism, and that thought is kind of a downer.