metal, rain & yesterday's coffee

Here there be nothing

2011-11-23T07:32:00.000+01:00

Hello, this blog is no longer in use. I'm fed up with it. Got a new one, it's currently holding the domain for my new website until I've finished coding it.

Http://www.idathomasdotter.com/

Cheers!

NEW BLOG

2011-11-07T11:59:00.001+01:00

http://www.idathomasdotter.com/

the ddress to my new website, but since I haven't had the time to finish coding it yet, I have a simple wordpress blog there right now. I won't be using this one anymore, so if you want to keep track, change your bookmarks.

Toodle-pip!

Good, good, good day today today!

2011-09-05T22:50:00.001+02:00

Today was great!

I had a meeting with my contact person on one of the temp agencies I've been working extra through and told her about the circumstances at that particular store and explained why I can't deal with working there any longer, and she understood exactly where I was coming from and said I was such a loyal and qualified employee of theirs that they just couldn't afford to lose, so she would get in touch with her contact on one of the other stores that they have this kind of arrangement with and book a training day for me with them, and then they'd move me to that pool instead, so in the near future I'll be done with this store and its sexist employees and customers and be selling adorable design children's clothes to neurotic young parents instead!

I went from my meeting in such a hgh mood, I decided to give the other temp agency a call while I was on a roll and told them I wanted to start working for them again and they gladly accepted.

With some time to kill before the casting session with my top first choice for one of the main characters in Anna's short and one of our favourites from the open casting session we've already had, I treated myself to some sushi and decided to do a bit of brainstorming on paper for my screenplay, but ended up getting inspired to dive into my novel again, a manuscript that's been dormant since I started writing screenplays basically, so that was a huge, but obviously pleasant surprise!

The casting went great, as well. "My" guy was excellent for the part I'd insisted he be perfect for, despite what you might think at first glance, and the two of them really worked together, they complimented each and balanced each other out in an interesting way, their chemistry and dynamic is really nice, but natural and low-key, not like fireworks or sizzling UST or anything like that, which is just what the characters relationship is, it's just what it is, just of course, you know? Afterwards Anna completely agreed with me, so now it's decided, they're the ones! So now we have the two main characters! And that is such a huge load off my back somehow, I hadn't realised how stressed I've been about casting this until tonight, but now that it's settled I notice the difference immediately, it's a huge relief, because now we have the core of the cast as well as the film itself, since the story is built on these two characters and their relationship and this low-key chemistry, and now it feels entirely possible that everything else will just fall into place around them somehow.

Tomorrow it's writing and laundry all day and night, perhaps a bit of cleaning of my room simultaneously as the laundry gradually clears out, and probably a walk or something somewhere in there as well, since I'll probably go crazy if I don't leave the house at all, because that's usually what happens...

Anyway, just wanted to take this opportunity to actually update my blog with something positive for once, not use it as a venting tool or free therapy, but actually put it out there that yes, I do have good days too, and today was one! Now, good night.

Bitterness & "Boygame" casting

2011-08-19T15:09:00.001+02:00

Started planning our first casting for "Boygame" whilst working non-stop. I'm quite fed up with this, the other day was a nightmare and that was the last straw on some level for me, in the back of my mind I'm already set on quitting. I've requested a change of store from the agency, they'll get in touch with me on Monday. I'm going to tell them it's killing my back not to be able to rotate between the register and the store (which is true) but leave out the part about the customers, because customers are the same anywhere so as long as I'm temping in a customer service oriented job, I have to keep that to myself. But I'm really too empathetic and sensitive to handle that type of job. As soon as someone is the slightest bit rude or grumpy or upset, it gets to me. Even though, logically, I know it's not personal or whatever, I just want to leave everything or burst into tears or something, plus it takes me at least half an hour to shake it off. I literally don't have a single moment's spare time this week, let alone an hour or two to edit my short film. I don't when I'll be able to finish it, at this rate I won't have it done by September even, it'll be way into winter before I can even have a sound technician look at it! Diet's still on. Not really much of a change, though. Maybe I really have to start working out in order to get thinner.. Like I'll have time and energy to do that.. Wow, I'm in a bitter mood! Sorry, didn't mean to spread any negativity.

Work, work, work

2011-08-17T06:14:00.001+02:00

Today was supposed to be spent editing "Varma Mackor" but while at work (the paying one) yesterday they wheedled me into working today as well, something I deeply regret at the moment. I'm on the train, half-way there, it's six o'clock and I feel undead, and not in a romantic way. I had to get up at 4:20 this morning, about half an hour at least before the sun dragged its lazy behind over the sky line, feeling less than chipper since I got home from a late production meeting at midnight after having worked all day and thus got about four hours of sleep at the most, all in all not entirely unusual, except I'm not filming. It's a regular bread job. Not okay, really not.And I work tomorrow too. Tell you what, though.. I'm not accepting any more hours in august. I don't have the time or the energy, and I certainly don't need to, I have more than enough for september's rent and bills now..I'm really stressed out about my projects right now. Well, "Varma Mackor" mostly since all the new projects are already taking up what little time and energy spared by the stupid bread job, and I don't see how I'll be able to finish editing it and find a sound technician if this goes on.. Also my producer has been MIA since the shoot, which worries and frustrates me as well. At least I know where to start once I find the time to sit down in the editing room again, thanks to Anja's feedback.

Talk of things unreal and real.

2011-08-15T16:09:00.000+02:00

Spent the day with Anja at Filmbasen. She watched the rough cut of "Varma Mackor" and gave me feedback, we talked about everything as always, including future plans. Briefly, we touched on the the idea of starting a production company together, but she had to go to work and we didn't really have time to get into it, just threw it out there as a possibility.

I've been listening to Bonnie Tyler and Kim Carnes. Weird, I know.

Today was also the official first day of my idiotic diet, that I've decided on, for losing a whole bunch of weight, that I probably can't spare, for the role in Tove's film. Anja got pretty upset with me when I told her, but eventually backed down (probably for strategic reasons since she, herself, dropped a diet bomb on me when she told me she's going to start eating fish again, and realised that she couldn't expect me not to get upset with that if she was upset with mine)

Other than that I feel (generally anxious and) like time's slipping out of reach. I don't know when I'll be able to finish "Varma Mackor". The paying type of work is getting in the way and is not only time-consuming but steals my energy and inspiration as well. I started working on the second draft of the screenplay for my next film this morning before it was time for me to go meet up with Anja, but I can't really focus, and I have all this other shit muddling my mind right now, all my own fault of course, since it's all, entirely, one big figment of my imagination. Told Anja about that, too. Knew I could, because I knew she'd get it, and she did. What's so frustrating, though, is that no matter how unreal the situation is, and no matter how perfectly aware of that I am, the feelings generated from it are completely real, because there's no such thing as imagined feelings, feelings aren't either real or unreal, they are what they are, they're as real as they can ever be while you have them and when they go away they're not there anymore, it's basic, crude, nerve reactions or whatever, like electrical sparks in the brain or something, no more, no less, but has more of an impact on you than any other thing, it's fascinating really, when you think about it. Terms like "real" becomes insufficient when you're talking about feelings, and I think that's why I like paying attention to them more than logic and reason most of the time, because I've always felt "real", as a concept to relate to, was rather muddled and confusing, so I get feelings, because they're not this rigid thing, they're just exactly what they happen to be at any given moment, and that I can relate to.

Anyway. That's a tangent.

I'm going to give writing another go now. Back to earning money tomorrow, so I should make the most of tonight on the creativity front.

Well, then... I was expecting "Narcissistic", but this...

2011-08-14T19:24:00.000+02:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

ångest

2011-08-14T09:31:00.001+02:00

Jag tänker på de gröna skyltarna

creative hiatus and mild insanity

2011-08-13T12:37:00.001+02:00

I have plenty of things to do that are put on hold right now because I'm stuck working my "day job" all weekend. Which, as i'm sure you can imagine, is extremely frustrating. Also, I do not feel up to being politely cheery right now, especially when 90% of the customers don't have the decency to return the favour and I'm congested and feverish and my head hurts.. And on the personal front, I've created a situation that will not lead to anything good. So far it's only in "my own little world" and a distraction at worst, but these things have a tendency to leak into reality and I can't afford to let this do.. I can't go into detail, obviously, so I know this makes no sense whatsoever to anyone (except maybe Ana or Cesar, if you're reading this) but it doesn't matter. I'm just as fogged as usual, that's all anyone needs to know.

2 per cent anxious.

2011-08-11T19:58:00.000+02:00

Just realised I've been anxious for the past couple of hours, and since I haven't really got a valid, concrete reason for anxiety, I've been creating fleeting ones continuously since last night... like obsessing over a stupid thing I said two days ago, worrying about the way someone looked at me yesterday, things like that. For once, I've actually had a good time and felt good about things, including myself, for longer than a week even, and now what, I'm fabricating anxiety when there's none around to haunt me? Is that how it's going to be from now on? I hate my mind sometimes.

Hang-man

2011-08-09T11:34:00.000+02:00

The wedding was awesome.

I'll post some pictures later, because words cannot describe how amazing Tove and Anna looked in their costumes. I even had a great time, which had a lot to do, I think, with the consideration they'd put into where to seat me, considering I was the one person at the wedding who didn't know anyone else. They seated me with the crazy group of friends in the middle (The group which produced two awesome girls who, when it became time to walk up front and give a speech or read a poem or something, sang karaoke to "A whole new world" instead. The group that, when everyone else sat horrified and in shock as said girls proceeded to sing, very off-key, instead sat laughing and clapping and then demanded "One more time!")

I got an email from Josefine, producer on "Århundradets brott", half-way through the evening saying that I was needed the next day after all. So any crazy notion I might have entertained about staying up all night dancing quickly became moot and I really had to catch the last bus into town. Even then it was about one o'clock when I finally got home. I had to get up again at five.

The next day was spent in a kind of blur. I felt feverish and dizzy for most of it. But I did get to ride on the moped, though. Fanny, the actress who plays the main character, gave me a ride to the train tracks where we were shooting the first scene of the day. It was scary as hell at first, but once I realised I wouldn't actually fall off, it was awesome.

Yesterday it seemed I had a lot to make up for, because my energy was all over the place, and of course I couldn't be there for the last half of the day, because there wasn't room in the little electrical car thingy for me, so I had to stay behind at HQ with a couple of the others who were made redundant for those particular scenes. I quickly became spastic with pent-up energy. Even with the FAD's little dog to play with.

So I made Filip (C-foto) play hang-man with me (I won), and when Charlie (actor who plays the male lead) wrapped his portion of the scenes, he joined in as well (he cheated), but it didn't last long before the game was put aside and we started geeking out about movies and actors instead, which we continued to do all the way to the station and the entire train ride until the two of them got off, much to the dismay of Lina, who tagged along to the train, and who normally works for the Stockholm Film Festival and is therefore generally fed up with movie talk..

Got to sleep in this morning. My head feels sort of cloudy, I think I might have slept too long. But I need to get ready now. Second to last day of shooting this short film. Then it's back to juggling reality with my own projects. Yay.

swedish wedding

2011-08-06T14:48:00.001+02:00

Shooting has been great, although the sleep deprivation was starting to get to everyone I think. Today (which we all have off) was much needed. I slept in, then enjoyed my coffee for a looong time before I started getting ready for the wedding.I don't know how successful I've been in my attempt to look like a dame from the 20s, but considering what I've got to work with (both in terms of funds and myself with my too short, red-dyed hair and various visible tattoos) I did the best I could, really! (although, when I was finished, it struck me how little -- no -- difference there was from the way I usually dress up for special occasions and parties..)This poor guy spotted me in the way to the tube and proceeded to strike up a conversation with me, and I was polite and nice, but also ruthlessly honest when answering his repeated questions about my sexual orientation, marital status and future plans of changing said status (and orientation) but somehow, the nice thing threw him off and gave him mixed signals anyway, because he seemed convinced that he'd be able to get me to reconsider my answers, life philosophy and my decision not to accept his number, given enough time. Poor guy didn't of course. I think, amongst all of us in that compartment, he was the only one surprised by this. He even attempted to hug me goodbye when I went to get off the tube. I shook his hand. I felt bad for the guy, though. He seemed really nice. Can't be easy to live with such a strong urge to get married to good woman and have kids and stuff. Me, I fortunately don't have to deal with that kind of pressure, so really I can't possibly understand what it's like. I learnt a bit about Tunisian culture when it comes to marriage. Apparently the wedding goes on for seven days, they swim during daytime then there are these huge parties all night, every night. Not for the bride, though. She gets to stay at home. At least for four days, then on the fifth she moves from her patents place to her new home (the husbands place) and for the remaining three nights, she still gets to stay in, but she'll have her husband with her, so it's okay.. The guy agreed that this was unfair, though. So hopefully with future generations, this tradition might get updated? Let's hope so, for the sake of tunisian women, since nit getting married isn't an option.

Just stuff

2011-07-30T11:44:00.000+02:00

So, I don't think this blog has ever looked so hideous. I guess that's what I get from being lazy and thinking "what the hell, I'll give this new template thingy a go this time around instead of tinkering with the codes..." -- Obviously not a permanent solution. Someday soon, my blog will be stunning. As will the website that I'll also own by then. But for now, you'll just have to suffer the site (haha)

Production meeting today. Thought I'd get some reading in before I have to leave. Tove finished the new draft of her screenplay yesterday, so I thought I'd give that a read-through. Also I should read the screenplay for the film of today's meeting, which I still haven't, just the production description with synopsis and director's vision. Sounds really cool, though, so I'm sure the screenplay will be as well.

Summer days drifting away

2011-07-28T22:22:00.000+02:00

Editing "Varma Mackor" has been a joy. I have a rough cut of the film finished now, after a couple of insane all-nighters that pretty much went like this: I'd get to the editing room at Filmbasen at around six or seven in the evening, get startled by the alarm on my mobile at five to eleven (that's when the alarm is automatically turned on, and you have to go outside, wait for it to turn on, then disable it again before you can go back inside), get back to it and suddenly realise the sun is up and it's five in the morning, at which point it would cross my mind that "I should get home and get some sleep...", a healthy thought, no doubt, that was unfortunately quickly followed by "I'll just finish doing this first..." and in the blink of an eye, it'd be noon, and only then would I stumble home like zombie, squinting in the bright daylight, wondering if the fact that my brain feels like a wet cake is a sign of permanent damage or not, but also feeling decidedly pleased with my night's work and quite in love with all my actors.

Now I'm letting it rest for a while. I'm waiting for Anja to get back into town so that I can show it to her and recieve her brilliant and unforgiving feedback. Meanwhile, I've been planning three other productions for the coming year with Tove and Anna. I'm helping them both cast their respective films, and I'll also be both of their assistant director, as well as play the main character in Tove's film. And the third film we're doing is my own, of course. I've just finished the first draft of the screenplay (it's called "Begrav mig på bakgården", which means Bury me in the backyard) and I'll be working on that alongside the casting process, as well as reading and giving Tove and Anna feedback on their screenplays. And also, whatever Anja needs from me as well, but we haven't talked about that yet, but she's making her film "Agnes" this year, as well as a documentary.

In the beginning of August I'll also be working on another production as a scripta (just went to look up the english work for that function and bristled when I saw that it was "script girl" or "continuity girl" according to tyda.se, definitely not condoning that, so you'll just have to make due with swedish on this one...) with Tove's and Anna's wedding crammed in the middle of the shoot.

Then at the end of August, Tove, Anna and myself are renting a car to go on a weekend trip down south to look at some locations and possibly hold a casting workshop at a school.

And, believe it or not, I'm also going to try and get some hours in with the temp agency so that I'll be able to pay my rent and bills. One thing's for sure though, I'm not making it back home for another visit before the summer is over.

holiday "hi"

2011-07-07T14:37:00.001+02:00

I'm sitting outside my family's cottage on our little island outside the east coast of Sweden. I've been into the sea three times already since I got here last night, it's the best feeling in the world, my favourite place of all time; under the surface, in the cool and the dark, watching the rays of light break through all around me. It's the closest I've come to meditation so far. Even the seagull cries are comforting. Somehow nostalgic and strangely soothing despite the hysterical quality, either because I've been associating them with this place for as long as I can remember, or something about the noise itself maybe. It's sort of like whale song on speed, if you think about it.. But it's definitely not as poetic and romantic in real life as when you read about it in Tolkien's book, how the elves hear the cry of the gulls as they're called by the sea to travel to the grey havens.. I'd like to think the seagulls of Middle Earth are less hysterical. Anyway. Filmbasen contacted me via email and wanted to write about me in their spotlight section on their webpage. Other than that, no news.Now I think I'll go for another dip before I get started on lunch! Take care everyone!

Morning, people!

2011-07-01T04:37:00.000+02:00

Okay, so I completely meant to go to sleep last night... I even went to bed and everything, early even, but somehow I got to reading slash fic and I just wasn't tired so I kept reading, and eight o'clock turned to eleven then one then three and considering I had my alarm set on four, because I actually got some (regular) work this weekend and today my shift starts at (ridiculous) six-forty-five on the complete opposite side of town, which means I have to leave at five to make it there on time, I figured it'd be both pointless and idiotic of me to actually go to sleep since not only would an hour do more damage than good, but I'd most likely oversleep as well once I finally dozed off... which is why it's not four-thirty and I haven't slept, and I'm already starting to feel all fuzzy around the edges and giggly and silly and all over the place, and I'm supposed to sit at a cash register until five this evening... good times!

& I cut my hair again. Not much left of it now. But I still I have at least one more go left this summer before I get too skinhead-y for comfort...

Coffeecoffeecoffee now yesss goodcoffee. Have a good day, people! Since I won't, you know, have one on me or whatever!

"I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit.

2011-06-27T17:56:00.000+02:00

"No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way."

Besides making a production-related phone call and scheduling that casting gig, I spent most of the day reading slash fic and getting absolutely nothing done. It felt kind of nice, for once. Usually that will send me guilt-tripping into a full on anxiety attack, but today for some reason I felt completely Zen, like Winnie the Pooh with a tummy full of honey, content with just being.

Then in the afternoon I dragged myself to the tube and went a few stations to Skärholmen to do some light grocery shopping, not because I had to do my shopping there and couldn't do it closer to home, but because I needed the trip. I even walked to the tube instead of taking the bus, just to get some movement in. On the way home too, even with the grocery bags, I walked. Good thing too, because a few ideas dropped by for a visit and I rewrote two scenes on my next short film screenplay. Thought I'd make it official now and actually rewrite them in the actual screenplay as well, as opposed to the changes just being in my head.

Rain, rain, rain

2011-06-23T20:43:00.000+02:00

So I gave my blog a layout make-over, I felt it only fair since I've had about a hundred since the last time I changed it. Also, I felt it was time for a new title of blog since "coffee, cigarettes & conversation" hardly applies anymore since I quit smoking, and this blogging thing isn't really conversing either, is it? It's more of a monologue, and barely that. And also, I felt the title wasn't pretentious and obscure enough, hence the new title being "Metal, rain & yesterday's coffee"... much more in line with my current life situation.

Got another film gig today, stepping in for Caroline as casting assistant next week. Approximately two hours work, hopefully in the same day, greeting and reading with three different six-year-olds. I even get paid, which is awesome, since I've been stressing out about money lately. Being busy with my own short film, I haven't work anything this month, which means I'll be completely broke come next month. But maybe, hopefully, I'll manage. If I can just get the student loan people off my back during the summer, I'm good. The odds of that happening, though, are slim at best, since they've been hounding me since 2008... I could apply for a course again, but apparently they're not too hung up on details like that anymore, since they wanted me to start paying back my loan in May, when I was still studying up until mid-June, so basically, I got my last payment only to hand it right back. Ridiculous.

Meeeh, I hate talking about money, and thinking about money, and worrying about money. It'll work somehow, it always does. Worst case scenario, I'll be hungry this summer too. No biggie.

Oh, yeah, and it's raining.

Varma Mackor

2011-06-20T09:38:00.000+02:00

I need to get better at updating my blog, so that I don't have a million things to tell you when I finally do... I don't even know where to start. The beginning, maybe. Okay, yeah. Well, I'll keep this short because I just woke up, I have my coffee here next to me, but I'm not sure it'll be enough jump start my brain this morning since yesterday was the last day of shooting my short film Varma Mackor, and like with any other shoot, the day after you feel sort of hungover from all the adrenalin and energy and coffee, plus reality takes a moment to get used to as well. Also, another reason I have to keep this short, is that I have to leave soon, I'm meeting up with Tove at Östermalmstorg to get the harddrives from her, the harddrives with all the material, I'm kind of freaked out actually... but first things first:

Pre-production. One big rollercoaster ride. But every bump in the road was dealt with quickly and smoothly, and things pretty much fell into place, over and over again, which in of itself is unheard of I think, so I was harbouring some "too good to be true" pessimism already. But the first day of shooting, we were in a school in Salem, we had a ridiculously short time to get the stuff we wanted to get from the two scenes we were shooting, a lot less time than what was needed to get them, actually. We also had, around us, fifteen kids that "belonged" to us and were extras in the scenes, as well as eighty kids that belonged to the school and were curious about what we were doing. But for some reason, things fell into place again and we actually finished ahead of time. My "too good to be true" suspicions increased.

The next two days of the shoot we were in the producer's dad's house and shoot the kitchen scenes and the scenes in the doorway to the brother's room. And long story short, I can't even begin to tell you how extremely happy I am about the stuff I have. The crew was great, Tove did an amazing job with the photography, and Edvin the scenographer was literally amazing, both with the scenography and as a person to work with. He was calm, concentrated, humble, had an eye for details, was patient with me when I got all excited and wanted to help decorate the brother's room, any other scenographer might have got annoyed because I stepped on their toes, but he was just amused and let me bounce around and then concentrated on his thing. In the end, all the material we got, both in the kitchen and the room, looked amazing, I got some seriously excellent stuff out of the actors, who were all amazing as well. Wilma who played the lead girl is a wonder, I have never seen anything like it, and everyone else have reacted the same. She is so focused, so nuanced and natural, she has this aura about her, she is so intelligent, and no matter what directon I gave her, she took it and used it, nothing blocked her, not even the ridiculously long and difficult lines of dialogue that she had. I mean, the stuff that she got to do this weekend, emotionally, mentally, and even physically when we did her POV shots and she had to sit on the floor between Tove and and the table and try and reach her hands up and repeat her actions from the scene, it was extremely tough stuff to do, for a grown-up experienced actor, and for a child actor, it's basically impossoble. I mean, to get natural from a child actor is tough enough. I have to stop praising her now... but you'll see when the film is done, she's just incredible. They all are.

Anyway. Since I'm so happy with everything, you can understand that the "this is too good to be true" feeling has increased to epic proportions and why I'm freaked out about getting the harddrives with all the material on them now, I'm thinking I'll either be robbed on my way home or get hit by a bus...

Today I had sunshine in the palms of my hands.

2011-06-09T23:50:00.000+02:00

So I went into town to meet up with Anja before our appointment with this actor. She was just as nervous as I was, possibly even more so. But the meeting went swimmingly. The guy turned out to be, not only great, interesting and sensible, but a truly genuine person as well (which is the most important quality in my book, since I seem to be surrounded largely by people who are anything but...) Mine and Anja's intuition about this actor is looking more and more spot on, just sitting there talking to the guy, just drinking in his energy and general way, I'd almost say I had the actual character from my script in front of me. And knowing that he's a really talented and charismatic yet subtle actor as well, from seeing his performance in the wonderful mini-series "De halvt dolda", it's just perfect casting and I am so happy right now!

Oh, and he seemed really pleased with the information he recieved from us as well and had some really interesting thoughts and ideas about the script, which he really liked on top of everything, and when we got to discussing work method I found out that we're completely on the same page when it comes to acting and process work, being more interested in exploring the character and the scene and the character's relationship with other characters and just be present in the now and open to impulses (and basically everything I learned from the amazing Stephen Park and keep learning again and again through my own experiences since VFS) rather than focusing on Stanislavskis earlier methods (that he later revised because he himself realised that it wasn't the best method) which is what most acting schools and courses seem to teach, where you basically reach back in your memory and use experiences from your own life to re-create a certain emotion, instead of just being present in the moment, with your co-actor, reacting to the given circumstances and exploring the scene. And this actor, Henrik, was all on board with that, and the way he talked about it, when I asked him how he preferred to work usually, he basically voiced all of my own opinions and preferences, both as an actor and as a director. So I'm really looking forward to working with him now! Hopefully he and the girl who'll probably play the main characters (his little sister in the film) will connect and have some real, interesting chemistry between them... if they do, then I have half my work done already, and the result will most likely be amazing too...

Anja and I walked around for a bit after we'd said goodbye to Henrik, all giddy from how well the meeting went, and ended up (as we always seem to) having some firey discussions about everything, but mostly about film, especially the films we want to make, how women are portrayed in film that get made and the kind of scripts we write and our (quite similar) writing style that not many people seem to get. It's really funny, because I just mentioned one example of a detail from my screenplay, a thing that my main character does, and I didn't even have time to explain why I thought it was important -- she got it instantly! -- and that's why I love her. And that's why I'm re-writing my screenplay again, I'm still getting rid of the pretentious choice of phrases that I sometimes use, but I'm keeping my details. And that's that.

2011-06-08T10:49:00.000+02:00

Met up with Anja yesterday for coffee and conversation. She also brought me up to speed with her end of the casting. This actor that we really want for the part of the Big brother, she actually got a hold of him and pitched him the project and he seemed genuinely intrested. So she emailed him the script. Now we just have to wait and see. Other than that, I guess things are coming together.

I spent a while cruising a second-hand store and found some clothing items for a couple of the characters, as well yesterday. The store wouldn't actually lend them to me, so I ended up buying them. But I only chose things that I can see myself wearing, that way it's not a big deal if I don't get re-imbursed for them, I'll just keep them after the shoot. The two blouses/dress shirts that I found for the Mother, in particular, will more than make up for it, they're just my type, all 70s style and kind of hideous, but in a cool way. I just love my hideous shirts.

Still avoiding reality. But it's a red day, so I can if I want to.

2011-06-06T15:21:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I revised the current draft of my screenplay and got rid of all my Virginia Woolf-esque scene directions and details so that I'd have a more stripped down version of the script to show to potential producers and I'm now down to 115 pages (including the title page)! It was 137 (excluding title page) before!

Today my mind is in Brighton, UK.

Also, I'm watching a genius comedy/dramacomedi called "I love you too" that you must watch. Another amazing performance by Peter Dinklage, a new favourite actor. I started watching another one of his films last night in which he had a tiny role (but he made the most of it and was awesome) but I couldn't keep watching it. I think I might have hated it. But I was too stunned by the weirdness of the whole thing that I'm not exactly sure what I felt toward the monstrosity of a film. It's called "Just a kiss". It felt more like a 90s MTV special (or a re-enacted letter from the Swedish teen program "Bullen" from the same decade) than an actual movie. Especially with the random and weird as hell cartoony effects that suddenly pop up over the actual film, like the orcs in the old animated version of "Lord of the rings", but worse.

Nothing particular

2011-06-04T14:05:00.000+02:00

It's insanely warm, and it's only going to get worse. Taking advantage of the long weekend, I've been holed up in my room for the past 72 or so hours, watching films and rearranging my piles of notes and ideas for stories, putting my two vinyl records (Iron Maiden and Blue Oyster Cult) on the window sill to block out the sun light where the blinds aren't covering. I've been on an Adrien Brody kick (Some awesomeness: , and before that it was a lot of Ben Stiller for some reason, and before that I discovered two new favourite actors, Peter Dinklage (Must see: The Station Agent from 2003) and Rinko Kikuchi whom I'd seen in Map of the sounds of Tokyo but since I hated the film with all of my being, she didn't stick with me at the time, even though I thought she was doing a good job in that as well, it wasn't until I saw her in The brothers Bloom from 2008 that I fell in love with her. The character she plays in that is awesome as well, so that might have something to do with it. I'm sure I won't be as thrilled with her/her character in Norwegian Wood (if I even watch it) since I couldn't even finish that book (Sorry Ana, if you happen to read this) because I hated it so much.

It always breaks my heart to go through all of my notes, because I have all these stories that are basically finished and just waiting for me to write them down, and I'm thinking maybe I'll never get around to it, and they'll never be told.

Production updates

2011-05-28T13:08:00.000+02:00

So I finally got Internet on my computer! No more blogging via ridiculously tiny iphone keyboard (unless in a pinch), which is such a relief, I can't even tell you. Unfortunately I'll have to make this short, since I'm heading out.

My producer Alexandra is picking me up in half an hour, then we're going to go check out a location for the short film (Varma mackor) and we're picking up Tove (DOP) and Anja (AD and darling) on the way as well. It's all coming together, actually. I was at a barbecue at Frida's place last night, with Alexandra and a bunch of other people they both know, and we actually had a toast for it. Alexandra's got the whole crew assembled, we've pretty much decided on three out of five actors, all the locations are more or less found. I've made a storyboard. Yep, things are looking up.

On the economical front, not so much, though. But I'll worry about that tomorrow. Today, it's all about Varma mackor.

So I've turned 25

2011-05-23T12:46:00.001+02:00

I'm sitting at the kitchen table in the flat I'm now sharing with three other people, all lefties and veggies. One of the two guys is having breakfast at the coffee table behind me, whilst listening to a radio documentary on the EU top meeting in Gothenburg 2001. I'm supposed to be drawing a storyboard for my short film "Varma mackor" right now, but I'm procrastinating and have been since Friday (when I turned a quarter of a century, incidentally.)Outside of the stalled storyboard-making, casting and location hunt is well on the way. I found the "perfect" girl to play my main character Alva, but her idiot of a dad surprised the entire family with tickets to Greece the same week we're shooting, so she's now off the table. I'm pretty sure I've found both Mum, Dad and the School teacher, though. So three down, two to go, which is good progress all things considered. The short film I got cast in has wrapped, except for a Voice Over recording, I had my last night of shooting on Saturday. We were supposed to wrap at two o'clock at the latest, but I think she was about half past three when I said goodbye and headed for the tube. By the time I collapsed in bed she was about five. I got to see the sunrise on my way home though, which was nice. But I was exhausted, especially considering I was feeling under the weather as well, coming down from a nasty cold.The best thing about this shoot was meeting and working with Johanna, who played my best friend. She's a sweetheart, and a really great actor. Coincidentally, when I attended the Sem;colon short film screening at the Grand theatre, that Alexandra (the producer of my short film) organises with Frida and Hannes twice a year, they showed Benjam Orre's (the photographer of the zombie film Återfödelsen) novella film Sakae, and I realised that Johanna played the female lead! And she spoke Japanese and kicked arse with a samurai sword, I was seriously in awe! :^)Another new development since my last entry, is that my mum was in town and we hung out for a whole day, then dad joined us a day early before my nephew's birthday party so that he could help me move, and my big brother helped as well, and that night I went with my parents to have dinner with one of my mum's biological sisters, her husband and their son, i.e my cousin, none of whom I'd met before. My parents had met them once, when I lived in Canada. I also met their daughter, another cousin obviously, but she didn't join us for dinner, merely served it since she worked as a waitress in that particular pub. I'd expected it to be really weird and awkward, but it wasn't, mainly due to their open and friendly attitudes, they're clearly social people (and huggers...) the husband especially, he made sure the conversation was constantly flowing, just as glad to listen to either one of us as he was to do the talking. He also gave me his business card as we said our goodbyes, stating he had connections with actors, agents and publishers (he owns and runs a company producing audio books)The cousins are both my age, only a few years younger, and I know I have at least photography in common with him, so who knows, might keep in touch... I mean, we live in the same city, and Stockholm might be bigger than Vancouver, and definitely the largest city I've ever lived in, but it's still small when it comes to these things. Anyway, I could use some normal family, the one on my dad's side is a horrible appendage, what's left of it...

stressed

2011-04-26T13:41:00.001+02:00

Went and checked out a classroom that we might be able to shoot in, afterwards I had brief meeting with just Tove and discussed photography/cinematography, then Caroline called me and wanted my help on a film shooting in May and June, which would mean a whole lot of puzzling for me to make it work, but it would be awesome. Now I have to write an outline for school, deadline tonight. And I've half the work left on translating the subtitles for that documentary as well. And the short film that I was cast in starts shooting next week I think, as well.. I don't have time to work a proper job! I'll starve this summer too!

auditioning

2011-04-18T21:49:00.001+02:00

I'm sitting on the bus home, waiting for Ana to call me back. Besides the callback audition I've just been to, I haven't done anything useful today. Just watched Big Fish and the X-files episode Bad Blood. I was going to go get the second birth control thingy out of my arm this morning but I cancelled my appointment since the pharmacies had closed by the time I got back to Stockholm yesterday and wouldn't have opened in time for my appointment, especially since the ointment that numbs your skin is supposed to be applied at least two hours before you start slicing-and-dicing if it's going to have any effect. Also, I was really tired. I had another audition last night and got back and into bed quite late. Blogging just isn't the same when you're typing on a phone...I have mixed feelings about tonight's audition. I did a lot better than last time, I was still schmacting, but not as much and I think they might genuinely like me, which means there's a slight possibility that I'll get the part... Half-nude scene and all... O.O

back to it

2011-04-17T14:36:00.001+02:00

I hate leaving places, especially my family's, I prefer arriving. Any place, though. I hate leaving my own place in order to arrive in my family's place. Just the idea of it, I think: leaving vs arriving, there's something about that, on a deeper level. Going away. I hate it. Which is ironic, since I'm a really restless person and I'm always longing to get away, compulsively relocating, need to keep moving, any forward motion counts, even if it's within a circle on a larger scale..I've spent a week in my parents house. And worked from home on my short film and the TV assignments for school, although I've had some technical difficulties and haven't been nearly as productive as I'd planned to be.. But I've bought my first two LP records ever! Iron Maiden's "Fame" and an Blue Oyster Cult. I've also fallen in love with the whole vinyl thing and the superior sound of them compared to CD's and mp3 and spent all of yesterday sampling my parents old collection. I discovered Jefferson Airplane, Creedence and Velvet Underground, rediscovered T Rex and Deep purple, as well as Meatloaf although I never really fell out of love with him to begin with.. I also discovered, doing some geeksearch on Wiki that my favourite Sabbath album is made after Ozzy wad kicked out, so he's not the singer in those songs! Got an audition tonight that I'm regretting ever applying for.. Not that I'd ever get the part since their looking for a fit and androgynous person, but still..

Busy bee, busy bee, busy beeezzZZ

2011-04-13T11:11:00.000+02:00

I'm back home visiting my parents now. So far, so good. Although my diet is already suffering.. Other new developments, that would be of some kind of interest to you (even though I'm sure that my diet will now be the topic of your conversations for days to come...)

On my way here, as I was waiting for the train actually, I got an email from the producer I did my internship with last term, asking me if I'd be willing to translate the dialogue of one of her films into English for the subtitles for when she sends it to festivals, and I'll get paid for it and everything! Yay for paid work!

I finished the synopsis and Director's vision and my film CV, for the pre-production package for the short film, now all I have left to do is the mood board (saving the most difficult to last) and then we're all set to apply for funding and whatnot, so film people, ideas and moral support for the mood board-making, please...

What else... went with my mum to this theme day at CFL yesterday, it was quite interesting. Lectures/discussions about Vision work and Sustainable development, within the municipality of Söderhamn (my home town). I got some great creative inspiration and a film idea out of it, too.

Oh, and I got the room in the commune! So I'm no longer homeless-to-be! Which is a load off my mind and shoulders, now I can focus on my mood board and my assignment for school tomorrow -- I'm supposed to write for television in a group this and next week, my group just had their first brainstorming meeting, via crappy chat program on First Class, although we didn't do nearly enough brainstorming for my taste, it was more focus on agreeing on semantics about what the assignment actually was, and having not read the schedule or the assignment at all, I got rather restless, once we'd decided which idea we were going with, I wanted to start brainstorming for real, come up with ideas for sub-plotlines, key scenes, underlying themes, character developments and archs and relationships and all that stuff... but we decided that we're supposed to brainstorm on our own respectively (...) and chat again tomorrow morning -- I don't know when I'll have time to go to the neighbouring town Bollnäs and apply for a new passport at this rate, but I'll have to think of something...

Now, before I start brainstorming with myself... I'm going to give Anja a call and talk casting.

On the go

2011-04-11T14:17:00.001+02:00

Waiting for train.. "and feeling nearly as faded as my jeans"

wind in the willows

2011-04-07T16:42:00.001+02:00

It's a storm outside. But I defy the weather, I have things to do. I've been running errands all day, all over Stockholm. I just came from a women's clinic downtown where I was getting the birth control thingy out of my arm, and she got the first one out (there's two of them, they look like little rubber sticks, placed like a V under the skin) but the second one was stuck, so she got a colleague to come assist her and they were cutting and pulling but the thing just wouldn't come out -- so it's still in there. I'm going back in a week to give it another go.. Now I'm at the police station in Solna to apply for a new passport and ID. I'm exhausted just from running around, and my arm is quite sore, making my laptop even more of a hassle to lob around.. I just want to go home and relax with some miso, but I have to go to the library next. Things to do, things to do, you can rest when you're dead, away with you!

deadlines

2011-04-06T15:39:00.001+02:00

I've come to the realisation that procrastinators and adrenaline junkies are related. I don't procrastinate because I'm lazy, I do it because subconsciously I crave the rush of having a deadline hanging over me like some sword of Damocles. So I'm not lazy. I'm not.

I bought a flower!

2011-04-01T20:06:00.001+02:00

hey you

2011-03-30T09:50:00.001+02:00

I'm metro surfing as I'm writing this, heading into town to see Kajsa and go for a walk, hopefully get a boost or some inspiration since I've convinced myself as of yesterday that my screenplay is awful and is getting worse with each draft and I'm a horrible writer. Also, she's bringing me my medallion that I've bought from her. Hopefully that will help a little as well.

I've got platina

2011-03-30T09:27:00.001+02:00

I meant for the title to say "I've gone platinum"

This is what happens when the world is grey and your main character insists on being a sex addict with crush on her best friend

2011-03-29T15:42:00.001+02:00

"Perhaps that's too much to ask of someone who spends the greater part of her creative intellect on her hair..." -- Professor Goodwin, "Gossip"

Hugin & Munin part II

This is what my 4th tattoo looks like now that it's healed

2011-03-29T15:35:00.001+02:00

"Sometimes we like to state an opinion about the topics we discuss, but perhaps that's too much to ask of someone who spends all of her creative intellect on her hair..." -- Professor Goodwin, "Gossip"

Slow

2011-03-27T15:04:00.000+02:00

So I thought I'd be able to write a longer, more detailed blog entry while I was away, but of course the wireless connection at the inn was completely uncooperative, and now I'm back in Stockholm again. Actually, I'm at the library in Solna, just so I can get access to an internet connection.

The three days in Sunne were intense. It started on a dramatic note the night before, actually. Kajsa and I were driving down, or up, or sideways, whereever it is in relationship to Stockholm, my geography knowledge is just as bad as my sense of direction... because halfway there, the car went and died on us. Then it started up again, and after about ten minutes, it died again... and so it went, all the way to Sunne, which meant that instead of arriving at about ten o'clock at night, we got there at about midnight, or one o'clock in the morning, I'm not sure... needless to say we're exhausted and shaken up (it's quite scary when you're driving in a single lane on the highway in the middle of the night and your car breaks down and the only other traffic besides yourself are these huge trucks and lorries...) but we got to where we were going in one piece and that's all that matters.

The feedback discussions in my group were awesome, so inspiring. My script was up last, on the second day, and just like all the previous feedback and open discussions, I was overwhelmed by the extensive and rewarding feedback, also I was surprisingly struck by a revelation of my own, halfway through, that one of the characters in my screenplay is actually based on a real person from my past, and that was mind-boggling I can tell you... and that, as well as the revelation that I had just before writing this sixth draft about my main characters intimacy disorder, is the reason I'm experiencing the most amount of resistence to continuing this writing process that I have since I started. In fact, I haven't even so much as opened the document on my computer since then. Instead I started writing a play for this contest, deadline 15th of September.

I sent a text to the producer about meeting to talk about my short film, still haven't heard back from her. I guess it is Sunday, and she just finished shooting another short film and I only just sent the text this morning, but still. Things are happening too slowly, I feel like I need to explode all over the place, like everything around me is happening in slow motion and I have to try and reel myself in and force myself to go more slowly, and it's really frustrating. It's like being a kid again. Constantly being told to settle down, slow down, repeat myself more slowly, be still. I hate that.

Food

2011-03-26T17:02:00.001+01:00

Because you're dying to know what I'm eating today

2011-03-17T14:14:00.000+01:00

I haven't had Internet on my computer for a while, but I have a new mobile now with Internet access at least, but it's a real pain writing anything at length on this tiny touch screen keyboard.. But a quick update for now;

The past week I've been embarassingly unproductive and not worked one bit, but I did finish the sixth draft of my screenplay in time for the deadline for the feedback meet in Sunne; I'm leaving town this Monday, travelling by car with Kajsa again, and won't be back in Stockholm until the 25th. Tonight I'm meeting Tove to discuss the photography in the short film I'm just starting pre-production on, and tomorrow I'm meeting the producer.

I'll be busy all weekend, working pro bono as a FAD on a shoot of a music video for this garage metal band that are releasing their first CD. I'm not too excited about it, but it'll get me another credit at least..

I'll probably be able to write a proper entry next week, I know the place I'm staying at has wireless so.. I'll check back with you then!

Here it is...

2011-03-10T14:27:00.002+01:00

My 4th tattoo of Hugin & Munin.

EDIT: I'm still figuring out my new phone, but now you can see it ! (although this picture was taken once the tattoo had started scabbing over slightly, so it looks more solid black than it actually is, it's more "sketched")

"Things are looking up"

2011-03-09T11:21:00.000+01:00

I finally got myself a new mobile. I've yet to get it running, because I needed to download a newer version of itunes before I could sync it and whatnot, and in order to download anything, you need an internet connection and so I had to get myself to the nearest library where I could access an internet connection, but as of this afternoon I am back in business, and it's such a relief it's ridiculous. All those times I claimed to be anti-social and expressed naïve wishes to be phoneless, I take it all back. Obviously, there's a difference between turning the sound off your mobile or screening your calls when you wish to be left alone for a while, and being stripped of your only link to the rest of the world, against your will...

I also went and got myself spontaneously tattooed yesterday. Hugin & Munin, like I'd already decided on. The sketch I made myself about six months ago, only twice as big -- the tattooer's suggestion, and it seemed like a good idea -- and not on my shoulder blade like I'd originally planned, either -- no-one's suggestion, just an impulsive change of plan, completely on me. I'll take a picture of it later and post it, see what you guys think.

Tjockis substitute & a dying mobile phone

2011-03-02T18:36:00.001+01:00

I've been having difficulties accessing an internet connection in the past week. Extremely frustrating. Especially when my mobile decides it's about time it broke, as well. I've not been able to answer any incoming calls all week.

But yesterday, I got mail. And it made my month. It was a parcel from my parents and contained the usual news paper clippings and mail that'd been sent to their address and some accessory that I'd forgot the last time I was home for a visit... but also, a Tjockis substitute! (Tjockis is the name of my cat, who's staying with my parents since I moved to Vancouver in 2007, and whom I miss severely now that they won't give her back, and now a friend of my mum's has made a stuffed cat with her exact colouring, including her eye colour which is really special, she has one yellow and one blue eye, so it's no mistaking who the plushie is supposed to be!)

I have pictures... (yes, I am that much of a child)

Feeling proud and accomplished for the first time in MONTHS

2011-02-28T01:48:00.001+01:00

I finally sat down and finished the fifth draft of my screenplay! :)

And here they are...

2011-02-27T19:28:00.000+01:00

Short films and such

2011-02-27T15:22:00.000+01:00

Finally got around to ripping the Vancouver Film School DVD and selecting the few acceptable clips from the short "Tequila Rose" (that I -- I'm ashamed to admit -- wrote the script for, in addition to playing the title role) and I've edited those together into a trailer-like show reel. Because there's not way I'm ever show the whole thing to anyone, since the good moments are severely over-shadowed by the horror that is the rest of the film. And the director, photographer and editor managed to put something together that is nowhere near what I'd intended with the script, so I don't want people to think I actually wrote that. The script wasn't that good to begin with, but it sure wasn't a sketch from SNL and that's what the end result resembles.

Had a meeting with Tove, the photographer who's going to shoot my short film that I'm preparing now, and talked about the cinematography. And yesterday I met up with Anja and we talked a little about the short as well, amongst everything else between the sky and the earth, as we are wont to do when we see each other. I'm trying to coax her into helping me with the casting in addition to being Assistant Director during the shoot. She really wants to, but she's got a lot on her plate right now with school and her own projects, so it's a matter of having the time. But I'm sure we'll make it work somehow.

And how are you..

2011-02-25T14:51:00.000+01:00

I've just realized that since my last neurotic hair-cutting, I now have almost exact same hairstyle and colour as I did when I cut off my hair halfway through sixth grade; can we say "full circle"?

Today, I'm writing a new synopsis to my screenplay, to sort through the chaos in my own mind, but also in order to send to my mentor-person-thingy and have her read it, to see if we're on the same page at all, because after her last feedback, I'm beginning to think we're talking about different stories and different characters. Also, I'm going to translate it into english so that Ana Maria can read it and give me some tips on how to pitch the story, since my attempt at the Gothenburg festival went South very quickly and she's actually great at pitching stories, I remember her telling me once.

But first, I'm writing it in Swedish. And later today, well tonight, really, I'm meeting up with Tove who's agreed to film my short, and we're going to sit down and discuss the cinematography and such. Fun, fun.

Because the night

2011-02-21T19:50:00.000+01:00

I'm flying high on mania and Valerian root pills, listening to "Because the night" with Patti Smith, trying to sit still and write, can't though, I got feedback from my mentor thing person on the revised acts one and two just now, well a bit ago, and really, I'm pretty sure I'm not being sensitive here but it's up the walls, completely off the mark, or maybe I am reading it wrong I don't know, but from what I can tell we're not on the same page at all, and I really thought we were and now I'm really reluctant to the whole thing; plus I haven't even met this person and that doesn't feel very good at all; I've just been going through the screenplay (the one written down as well as the one in my head, as crazy as that sounds, I know) and jotted down little notes on each scene etc, to get an overview on the whole story, just to make sure that I'm at least on the same page as myself -- I am -- and she's missing a couple of really essential points, and a couple of other things she said makes sense but that's details, not important right now, and hey Patti Smith is definitely joining Tori Amos in the inspiration soundtrack, and System of a down as well.

I feel feverish, I need some fresh air or something, think I should open a window for aminute. The meeting with the producer and her director friend went great, well fine, it was relaxed and nice, and they seem genuinely interested, they're in the middle of that director's short though, shooting this weekend, so they told me to gather some inspiration pictures and music and stuff, and then we'll get in touch again next week. Spotify is really great, but I hate the commercial breaks -- and they're put on pause when you hit the mute button on your computer did you know that? That's ridiculous!

Life sucks, then you die.

2011-02-19T14:36:00.000+01:00

I thought today was friday. It's not. It's saturday, which means I have to go downtown and clean my sister-in-law's office. It's thrown my entire plan for today. I'm such a Rainman. Really.

Dad transferred some money into my account yesterday so that I could buy coffee, and something to eat. Made my weekend. Well, until now.

And I'm stressing about future now, just because I'm stressed about today, I don't know how that works but that's what I always do, I get stressed about one little thing, and all the stress about everything else that's not even topical or even real. Well, having to move again at the end of May is real, all too real, in fact that's so real I can't even deal with it, so I'm not actually stressed about that.

I'm stressed about the plan. About bartender training and moving to the UK and all that stuff. Because Mum rained on that parade, as was to be expected. My big brother Fredrik sort of did as well, but then I think he felt bad about it, especially after Mum phoned, and he kind of ambiguously took my side when I was venting about what she'd said, but then my sister-in-law Annelie, who is the voice of reason always, poked a whole in the plan as well, saying that bartendering is even harder on the back than waitressing, so that excuse didn't fly. And if I wanted to work as a bartender, I should find a place where they're willing to teach me, that way I actually get paid for learning, as opposed to saving up for an expensive course. Which makes sense and sounds so simple when she says it, but... yeah, I'm not even going to go into it. The point is, I hear all of their voices now saying, "You want to make a career as bartender now? Bartendering, that's your dream job, is it? Waitressing is nothing compared to bartendering. How expensive is the course anyway? You don't even drink coctails!" etc, etc...

But they're missing the point completely, obviously I could care less about bartendering and coctails, I want to make films, you'd think they would have grasped that about now. That's my dream job, that's what I'm passionate about, acting, writing and directing, that's it.

Now, I'm just trying to come up with a "day job" that I can stand, that pays my rent, that leaves my days open, that has a flexible schedule and that I'm qualified for, and I can't stand waitressing anymore. So, that's all I can come up with. Anyone else has got a better idea, please, I'm all ears...

"Come on, come on..."

2011-02-17T20:42:00.000+01:00

Okay. Breathe. Just take it one day at a time (thinking immediately of Sandra Bullock in "28 days" saying: "Like two or three days at a time is an option!") and focus, get stuff done, keep moving, forward, any forward motion counts. I need to finish this screenplay. I need to get this short film made. I need to work as much as humaly possible. And I need to find a way to afford to travel, to see my love, my best friend, and to move to the UK and start over again. How many times can a person start over anyway? I'm really like a cat. I've got nine lives.

Re-watching "Rescue me", translating my short film script into English so that Ana Maria can read it and give me her input. Anyone else wants to volunteer, give me a shout. But I warn you, the dialogue isn't very good, becuase I'm just translating it directly from Swedish, just to get the point across, I don't have time to translate the script properly right now.

New plan for the future

2011-02-16T11:57:00.000+01:00

1. make at least two short films in Stockholm (whilst auditioning for whatever I can get)
2. go to Norway and work and save up money (whilst re-writing my novel/writing a bunch of scripts)
3. take a one-month bartender course on Kos island (Greece)
4. go to London and find a bartender job, collective living, acting as well as literary agent
5. make connections in the film industry and get more of my own films made, as well as audition like crazy

How does that sound?

It never ends

2011-02-16T09:59:00.000+01:00

The theology student who owns this flat just phoned and woke me up to say that he won't be renewing my contract at the end of May after all, because he's decided to move back on the first of June instead of at the end of summer like he first told me. So now I have to find a new place to live as well.

If I had money, I'd pack my big backpack and head to the UK. But I'm broke on top of everything else. I'm going to see about that other temp agency for schools today, and then I'm going to swing by my brother's place and see if I can score some coffee (mine is running out at home)

Good news is that I'm only one sleepless night away from finishing the fifth draft of the script, I have the third act written out in notes (got that done when I worked for four hours yesterday) now I just have to sit down and type it up.

After work yesterday I met up with another freelance film-maker who is making a music video for this metal band and I'm going to be his FAD, it doesn't pay anything, but it's another cred at least.

2011-02-11T19:43:00.000+01:00

Oh and I wrote this poem in Gothenburg after the pitch.

A. O. 2011-01-29

"Your Morse coded gazes and fidgeting fingers trap me
your arms shooting out, your lips flapping
it holds me transfixed, the noise of your voice
as it cuts through the air between us
it reminds me of waves lapping,
I imagine them stroking
over my life-less body
incomprehensible and eroding
I stare at your lips and the glaze of your eyes
like watered down blood
hugging the edges of the pavement where I stomp
on a half-smoked cigarette butt, twist my foot
and grind the ashes into the cracks between the stones
I imagine that too
and you dancing, unnoticed
in the middle of the street
under a rickety umbrella that is snatched
by the wind as the rain turns to hail."

Snow day

2011-02-11T08:56:00.000+01:00

Okay, so Snow is back, with a vengeance. It started yesterday while I was at work, sitting in my little outside cubicle all by myself, dealing with the occasional "drive-through" customer, that got more and more scarce as the weather got steadily worse. Getting home was a nightmare, but I got here. This morning I wake up to Narnia... and realize getting to work will be a nightmare on the scale of Hellraiser (just watched Hellraiser part 6: Hellseeker for the first time - because: Dean Winters - and it's the only Hellraiser film I've seen, but it was hilarious)

I go onto the SL website to check the traffic, and yes... the commuter trains (I completely made that translation up) are all cancelled, the buses are all unreliable as well as unbelievably late and/or cancelled and the rest of the public transport system, with Tvärbanan (Crossway line) and the tube, is probably up the walls as well, I didn't check those because I take two buses and a train to get to work at this particular place, so I was already screwed.

But it's understandable, I mean, it's not like we ever get snow in Sweden, so of course the the public transit company are going to be unprepared for it... so, I had to call the temp agency and let them know I couldn't make it into work. Part of me is a little relieved, because I feel a cold or something coming on and I wasn't particularly looking forward to heading out in this storm, but at the same time I hate to give up my hours when I really need them and I'm really fit to work, it's just so annoying.

And now I have literally no excuse not to work in my fifth draft, do I...

breaking up

2011-02-05T10:38:00.000+01:00

I'm meeting up with me former room-mate and friend today to have the Talk, and I've been dreading it for months because I'm not very good at giving people closure, when I tried it with my ex boyfriend, he got it in his head that there was still a chance for us, so no.. not very good at Talks, at all. I seem to pend between "impossible to take in"-ruthless and "easy to misinterpreted"-sugar-coat, neither of which is very helpful. Why can't we just emotionally detach, then cut off all contact, and avoid each other forever? it really works fine, really!

2011-02-02T13:47:00.000+01:00

Just got myself a job interview for a temp agency for personnel working in comprehensive schools and preschools. I talked to a girl from the retail pool I work for who works for this temp agency as well, and she said she always gets work through them and that I'm definitely qualified to apply even though I'm not studying to become a teacher. So my interview is scheduled for Valentine's day, cross your fingers. I'd really rather work in a kindergarten or a school, than in retail. Plus, I think that'll be better for my back as well as my mind.

Peter Pan and a Manic-Depressive Mermaid

2011-02-02T10:19:00.001+01:00

One of the cafés that I went to in Gothenburg had this book case with a bunch of books that you could take for free, with labels for this website called bookcrossing.com and basically, you sign up a book there and then you give it away, and then every person who takes it to read will make a note of it at the website before passing it along and that way you can follow your books travels. I thought it was a lovely idea. I took a paper back of "Peter Pan" and read it yesterday at work, now I'm going to check out the website and see if there's a listing of places that hosts the books and if there's one in Stockholm where I can exchange the book for a different one. Maybe add my own.

Had another idea for a film on the train home last night. A romantic/family drama about a single mum who falls in love with a much younger woman who turns out to be bipolar (unmedicated) and it brings her and her daughter closer together in the end, told with a magical shimmer from being viewed through a child's perspective. I was thinking that the first time they see the young woman, they're at the beach, and the little girl gets it into her head that she's a mermaid (kind of like the kid in "The reflecting skin" who thinks the lonely widow is a vampire) and later when they get to know each other and bond, the young woman plays along with the idea, making up stories about her home in the sea, and in the end when she drowns herself, the little girl is convinced that she's just gone back home, and her mother lets her think that, but it's clear to the audience what's really happened. (Although there's definitely an element of questioning, who's right, the child's imagination or the adult's fear-riddled narrow view of the world) And that's the kind of thing that happens all throughout the story, and that's what I'd think make the young woman's ummedicated condition (bipolar disorder) interesting too, if it were perceived through a child's eyes, her extremes explained with child logic. So, what do you guys think of that idea?

Snow can wait, I've forgot my mittens

2011-01-30T19:06:00.000+01:00

I've done nothing today. Barely got my morning pages out, curled up on the desk chair and read some random slash fic and let the hours spill away, made some tea, ate some rice and green lentils, realized the sun had set and lit my electric candles, answered a couple of ads on Filmcafe, sent a couple of scripts to another production company, made more tea; I should go for a walk, or shower; no, I should write. But I don't like to write because I should, I only ever want to write because I have to, and not from some outward pressure of expectations or deadlines, but from inside, from a pressure of words that need to get out. You can't force it, you can't wait for it, so what do you do.

Oh, I also checked out some youtube links that Kajsa shared with me, feeling the need to educate me in must-knows of musical genius from the 60s, 70s and 80s, and now I've discovered Patti Smith. I've also listened to Exene Cervenka and Lydia Lunch, but Exene I already knew from before through Viggo Mortensen, and Lydia I discovered today, but on my own. I think I might like her the best. But it's Tori Amos who's stuck in my head, the fragile notes of "Winter" playing on repeat, reminding me I should be writing up the fifth draft of my feature screenplay, but as always, I'm procrastinating, because I'm resistant, because I'm self-sabotage-ing, because I'm scared. I need to do yoga. But my room is too small.

In the head of Charlie Kaufman

2011-01-30T00:38:00.000+01:00

Back from Gothenburg. The pitch was a nightmare, but I had a really great time hanging out with a few people from my class, and it went great sharing a room with Kajsa at the hostel as well, and today I went to what the festival called a "Masterclass" with Charlie Kaufman, and that was awesome. He's a really awesome guy.

Getting ready for Gothenburg

2011-01-26T10:34:00.000+01:00

So I'm (soon) off to Gothenburg. I just talked to Kajsa, she's driving down and offered me a ride, and I'll also be rooming with her at the hostel, so we'll want to kill each other by the end of this weekend probably... no, I think it'll be fine. I love talking to Kajsa. On the first class get-together, I ended up having two separate conversations with her that were both hours-long and deep. And that doesn't happen too often, especially that soon after having met. But she's full of interesting thoughts and ideas, and she believes in a bunch of things I used to believe in, like spirits and ghosts, so it's also a bit nostalgic to be listening to her theories. I'm definitely agnostic now, since I do love to hear about different believes and discuss them with an open mind, but I'm leaning towards atheist more than spiritual now, and before it was the other way round.

Which created resistance in me as I started reading the introduction to The Artist's Way because it's all about how inspiration is a spiritual thing and to be creative is to be closer to God, and of course, my mind came to an abrupt halt, red lights blinking and everything, but then the introduction went on to say that if the reader was thinking these things or didn't believe in God or in anything, then that's fine, just don't let it stop you from doing the exercises because that's just your resistance talking, and when the reader came across the word "God" they shouldn't get hung up on semantics but replace the word with whatever rings more true, like flow, or creativeness, or inspiration, or positive energy, or whatever... and damn it, I'm both resistant and semantic, and I know it, so of course, I had to keep reading...

I don't own a copy of the book, I've only read the two different introductions and the beginning of the first chapter, since my teacher copied those pages and mailed out, but since I've already started on my morning pages, I think I should definitely get my hand on a copy. I checked out Amazon UK and found some fairly cheap used ones.

And to come full circle, I'll tell you that Kajsa just told me that see took that course about eleven years ago and it literally changed her life. So I guess we'll be talking a lot about that during the five hour drive to Gothenburg.

Commuting and plotting

2011-01-25T14:36:00.000+01:00

Up at six o'clock for my first morning of doing morning pages (as recommended by The Artist's Way), feelings resistant the entire time, but I got through them, although I did cheat a little in that I washed up, brushed my teeth and made coffee before I started (I think you're supposed to basically roll right out of bed and start writing immediately. Also I think you're meant to write by hand, but I'm running low on note books, so I typed the pages on my laptop instead...)

I went into town to my sister-in-law's office in Old Town, to check out the rooms since I'll be cleaning there once a week starting next weekend when I'm not in Gothenburg for the film festival, for a little bit of extra cash. Then I had to rush back to the tube and travel all the way to Kungens Kurva for work at eleven -- same shift as yesterday, but I wasn't booked for it, but then when I was getting ready to leave last night, the guy came running up to me, on the phone with my contact person in the staffing company who does all my bookings, and wanted to know if I could work today as well, and I agree to do it, determined I'd make it work, and I did... only, when I got there and got to work, my contact calls me up on my mobile and tells me that she's double booked me, and that another girl is on her way, and she was technically booked before me, and would I mind going all the way through town to the other side of it and work in Järfälla today instead... and I did mind somewhat, but I agreed to do it anyway, besides, she said I'd get paid for the time I'm travelling as well, and I love commuting since I get all my ideas when I do... so I get my stuff together and leave again, and as I'm waiting for the bus, she calls me up again, and says the Järfälla people worked it out and wouldn't be needing me to come in... so then I went home.

I had a couple of great new ideas on my way home, though. So I'm not complaining at all. Also, I should be preparing for the pitch this weekend and pack for tomorrow anyway, and this way I have all day to do that... of course, knowing myself, I'll do neither, just post-pone it for tomorrow morning...

Off to a bad start

2011-01-24T08:44:00.000+01:00

Just got an email from the director of the short film that I've been auditioning for, and I didn't get the part. I got call back twice, so I believe that they really liked me and after my last call back I actually took the train with the director and we ended up chatting and had tons in common and got on really well, so I don't doubt that we'll work together in the future in some capacity... but I'm still disappointed, of course. I thought the script she's written is really awesome, really funny and honest and original, and I think she's going to make an awesome film out of it and I really wanted to be part of it.

And now I have to go to Kungens Kurva and work all day at this store selling bits of wood and screws and other things I'm completely unfamiliar with, dealing with customers that are mostly rude and in a hurry... and I really need the money, which is something I've been telling myself since this morning when I went to bed, kept telling myself as I was trying to go to sleep and reminded myself thoroughly as the alarm went off a few hours later and told me to drag my arse to the shower. So I did. And I made myself a cup of coffee. And I had just enough time to sit down at my computer for a while before getting ready to leave, so I'm not stressed or anything, and it's not like last time I worked in that place when I had to start at a quarter to six, which meant I had to get up at three to catch the last night bus in order to get there, which meant I never went to bed... this time I'm on at eleven, and now is a perfectly reasonable to be up, and I'm not even that tired to be honest... I just really don't want to go work there, and I really have to. And that is a combination that makes me really not want to even more.

Plan updated.

2011-01-23T00:12:00.000+01:00

Just talked to both Ana Maria and Cesar via Skype, at the same time, although Ana did most of the talking and Cesar sort of hung back, but then again, it's only fair since I've talked to him twice recently and I haven't talked to Ana in over a year.

She's got her heart set on a trip to Europe in September. So my plan now has three steps instead of two... make film(s) in Stockholm, save up for trip in September and save up for bartender course and move to London.

Still no reply from the producer. Which makes sense since it's midnight on a Saturday and she's probably not checking her email right now. I keep forgetting, just because I'm part-time insomniac and compulsively check my email every ten minutes, doesn't mean anyone else does...

Plans and dreams

2011-01-22T17:07:00.001+01:00

So Anja is really excited about London now. Met up for coffee (although, surprisingly, I had tea for once.) and conversation again, inspiring and hopeful as always, and she'd mulled over my ideas about moving to London since the last time I saw her and it's grown on her, now she's really set on it. I love when that happens.

Sometimes, I get an idea in my head and I go overboard with my enthusiasm and it can sort of scare people off of the whole thing.

Like one night in Ana Maria's place in Kitsilano, when she still lived with Luis, and I was still together with Brett and we were both there, hanging out... Brett and I were on the balcony smoking, but we were allowed to leave the door open because it was summer and we were in the middle of a conversation. And Ana Maria and Luis, well one of them, I don't remember who thought of it first, but they started telling us about this place where you could skydive and it was fairly cheap, and they threw it out there "we should do that sometime, all four of us" -- and I've always wanted to skydive, and I was sold, sold, on the idea, I got excited and all hyper-y, and started planning it out, wanting to go that same weekend, and wanted to know if they were able to get away then or did they have work -- I didn't get why they were laughing at me at the time, but thinking back, I realize they must've thought I was acting like a big kid. I was dead serious about going, I would have gone that second if that was option. But the others were just talking. And we never ended up going, and I just hate when that happens, people get my hopes up on something when they never real have any intention of seeing it through... I guess that's some kind of collective form of daydreaming that normal people do for pastime, but I just find it really confusing and frustrating.

Anyway. London is definitely on the agenda.

Now I just have to convince Cesar to save up money to come visit us once we're actually settled down over there, and then I can bring him over to Sweden with me, and he can meet my family since they won't shut about wanting to meet him (well my dad and my little brother does, my mum's already met him.) and then I'll whisk him away to the town hall and marry him or something, so that I can keep him close to me forever and ever and ever (no Fatal Attraction vibes intended.)

In the much nearer future, I've just sent off an email with a script for a short film to an independent producer with whom I've worked twice, one the zombie film and the Roxette music video, who also happens to be a lovely, gorgeous lady, and I'm hoping she'll like the script and want to help me get it done.

Now I'm going to work in the 2nd act of my feature screenplay for a while before talking to Ana Maria and Cesar on Skype. The time difference is a real pain, but if there is a will, there's a way !

Hell yeah.

2011-01-21T16:52:00.000+01:00

So the key to not go crazy and depress the hell out of myself, apparently, is... get out of the house and/or talk to a close friend, i.e. get out of my own head.

And today I've been really good, because I've done both. First, I talked to my sunshine, Cesar, via Skype -- twice! -- and when he had to leave for work, I left the house and went into town to have coffee with my closest (if not only) friend in Stockholm, Anja, at this queer-friendly, cozy coffee shop called Copacabana by the water at Hornstull that is my new favourite place in all of Stockholm (Cesar you would love it there!)

And sitting there chatting away with Anja, and before that when I was catching up with Cesar, it's like the weights in my chest and on my back are lifted and a curtain is drawn aside and I can see clearly, and everything feels possible, as opposed to when I'm pacing and brooding in my room or tossing and turning in me bed and nothing seems possible.

So I'm going finish my current work-in-progress scripts, I'm going to seriously start planning pre-production on one of the shorter ones, and I'm going to look into moving to London next. I'm thinking of doing my next internship period for this course at some production company or with some film-maker there and start making some connections, then I'm thinking of looking into some bartender courses over there and as soon as I've made some shorts, I'll relocate and somehow, I don't know exactly how yet, but somehow I'm going to convince Cesar to move there too (Anja's already on board; anyone else want to join in.. do it!) and we're going to have an awesome film collective for a while and really build up a good resume (after that, the states or Canada or film school in Edinburgh or something completely different, we'll see!) so that's the plan. I'm excited. Tell me what you think !

So tumblr... I'm over it.

2011-01-21T12:48:00.000+01:00

Yeah. I have a livejournal for the geeky, fangirly, procrastinating side of things. And I know that I could just as easily use tumblr to write my usual type of blog entries, but it's just not the same. I log on there and I'm showered with .gif pictures and OMGs and it's all twittery surface, it's actually worse than twitter, because at twitter you're supposed to express yourself in less than whatever number of characters it is, 140 or something, but at tumblr, if you can skip the characters all together and just put a picture up there, preferably not even your own, but some strangers picture that's been passed on through a line of hundreds of other tumblr blogs, then that's optimal. Well, I started missing my old blog, so here I am.

I don't actually have time to write much right now, I'm heading out as I'm typing this, one arm tangled into a jacket sleeve and one eye on the clock, but I just wanted to put it out there; this blog will be up and running again, for those who care, so I'll talk to you again soon!

So I got tumblr.

2010-09-18T02:26:00.000+02:00

After much brain washing from DeathShrike (not really, he mentioned it a couple of times) I got around to getting myself a tumblr account, but I'm still going to keep this blog since I've had it for so long, and it's got all my old journal entries. But I might not update it for a while (or at all, who knows) So if you want to keep reading about my boring existence, you might want to update your bookmarks... http://idathomasdotter.tumblr.com/ would be the new address, then. Hope to see you there. (Don't you just love that word: tumblr... well, tumbler, would be the word, but isn't that cutely (?) spelled as well... Okay, I was sarcastic on the last one but not on the first one, I actually do like that word.)

Feverish thoughts

2010-09-05T22:04:00.001+02:00

I've had another long chat tonight, and we dug a little deeper still I felt, and I'm quite overwhelmed right now, mentally and energetically, I feel feverish, like I do sometimes when my energy is on overdrive or whatever it is. I''ve also had plenty of food for thought on an intelllectual and spiritual level. Perhaps I'm not an atheist, after all, but still an agnostic. The desire to believe is so strong in me that I can physically feel it in my skin and pulse. (It Mulder and I...)

New chapter: writing in Sunne

2010-09-05T01:41:00.001+02:00

I got on a train and ventured into the great unknown of Sunne in the middle of nowhere Värmland in Sweden to meet up with my new class on Thursday. As usual when starting something new and meeting a new group of people, I hated it immediately, started to doubt the whole idea and just wanted out. There was one person that I had a positive inkling about at first "sight" but other than that I was overwhelmed by the oh-so-familiar sense of not belonging, and spent most of my energy on staying afloat. And so I met up with my class on the second morning, way too early, feeling low, anti and decaffeinated, but when we reached the destination of the day, everything changed. We spent the day even further away from civilisation (close to what I'm used to, woods and fields and water and a couple of barns) in the most inspiring and beautiful place imaginable; the place is called Alma Löv museum, it was started by our course leader Sara Broos' parents in the 70's, and her dad told us the whole story as a very entertaining and inspiring fairy tale almost, and that, combined with her mother's amazing paintings and the coffee, were worth the trip, not just to the museum, but to Sunne (which was hell, by the way, with all the shit I packed, as usual) and then we got to wander around and look at the pavilions that were spread out across the plot, that each of them were a work of art by a different artist, some had installations, some were filled with drawings, or sculptures, and they were all unique and genuine and inspiring. Then we had an intense workshop with actors Amanda Ooms and Peter Eriksson, who performed our texts, and that was amazing too.

It got a little easier throughout the day and evening to spend time with certain people in the group and talk to them, which made the experience of being in a group a lot easier to handle for me, even though I'm feeling strong rejection and negative energy coming off a few people, it balanced out a little more and now I don't feel quite as isolated and alien as I did yesterday. The inkling I had about that one person proved right as well, today I felt we connected on a deeper level, not just energy-wise, but intellectually, we had a long chat that revealed we have a lot of things in common and are very alike--who knows what, or if, it'll lead to anything beyond that, but it's still nice when something like that happens, it's like being lost in a foreign country and all of the sudden you hear a voice somewhere in the crowd that's speaking your language--and I've warmed up to a couple of other people in the group as well, in a more light-hearted way.

Tomorrow we get to pitch an idea to a producer, just for fun, and fun is not the word I would have used, but I'm going to wing it and see what happens--I'm so out of my league in this place, and this group, everyone else are like working professionals in the business already, it seems, and I'm the only one with no real experience or anything, but--I'm hoping for some good feedback and inspiration from listening to the others, before we do the real thing at the Gothenburg film festival .

(also, I have a crush on a "teacher" again)

Gudrun Schyman and other beacons of light

2010-08-25T18:36:00.000+02:00

So elections are coming up in Sweden, and things are just ridiculous right now. We used to have wide (-ish) range of different parties that you could vote for, but last election the right wing (affectionally referred to as the "bourgeois" parties, although the translation is rather iffy) along with the center party formed an alliance and won the election, this year the left wing (consisting of the Socialdemocrats who aren't all that left anymore, but is supposed to be party for the common workingclass person, anyway, and the left party, formerly communist now socialist, basically) and the enviroment party has formed an alliance as well, and so the election is really between these two extreme opposites, that are looking less extreme by the minute as the debates continue, since both "blocks" are inching towards the middle in order to gain more voters, and so instead of debating about all the crucial questions that the public needs answered, it's seems that the entire election has been stripped down to the one difference that the two "blocks" can honestly stand up for, and that's taxes: to lower or not to lower the taxes is, apparantly, the question.

Never mind the statistics of unemployment and outrageous injustices in our public sector. The right wing is addressing people's greed, of course we have to care for our young, our sick and our elders, but in politics you always have to prioritize and at the end of the month you want to be able to have enough money left in your bank account to nurture a healthy savings account as well as afford to indulge yourself some additional pleasures and enjoyments... no mention of those who don't have any money left at the end of the month, or those who don't have enough money to even last them all month, no mention of the unemployed, the poor, the sick who can't pay their medical bills because apparently health insurance has become synonymous with economic support and aid that can be doled out selectively, as opposed to a fucking right.

But you know, I'm just so sick of it. My mother's a part-time politian, she's stubbornly fighting the fight, speaking for the those who can't speak for themselves, she's marching for this and that, she's debating and rolling that heavy rock up that cliff, and I honestly admire her stubborness or gullability or whatever it is, I myself gave up on that particular game when I was about fifteen. Because the truth is, the human race is a herd animal cursed with an ego and consumed by greed, so as much as it kills me to admit this... there will always be a class system, there will always be wars and there will always be injustice in the world as long as we're around.

The whole idea behind solidarity is like a childhood fairytale that we day dream about in moments of nostalgia, but when it comes right down to it, it's every person for themselves, and we only need a couple or so other people in our herd so fuck the rest of the planet's population. I used to want to save the world too, as a kid, and I used to believe in the possibilty of peace on earth and equality, I used to believe in human rights and that all people were created equal and born with equal rights, opportunities and a fair chance, but... let's face it. That's just not the reality we live in, is it?

Well, I'm not completely giving up. I have one -ism that I still feel passionately about, that I'm still willing to fight for - feminism - and there are beacons of light that keep me going and keeps me from throwing in the towel completely. My mum being one. Gudrun Schyman being another, spokesperson for the fairly new party called feministic initiative, that I'm voting for (although, there's no F! in my hometown, so I'm still voting for my mum in the county election)

The other night she wiped the floor, as always, in a debate with a representative from the Swedish Democrats (a xenophobic party that seems to have one issue they're passionate about and that's to stop immigration) and it was pure awesomeness. She talked circles around him and wasn't fazed once, while he started blinking and spluttering and stuttering more and more as it became clear that he had nothing against her arguments. At one point she actually said that he was so ignorant about the issues he was trying to debate that it was getting embarassing, and she was right.

It reminded me of a debate she was in years ago, when she was still leader of the left party, when she was supposed to be grilled by the host and the other guest, and she just wouldn't be fazed, she had a logical, brilliant answer for everything and she delivered it in her professional, calm yet still quick-witted manner, whilst the person who was brought in to grill her kept getting redder in the face and eventually was rendered speechless. (He had a heart attack after the show and had to be taken to the emergency. He survived though, so it's okay to laugh. Kind of...)

2010-08-22T17:28:00.000+02:00

I've been staying in my childhood home, visiting my parents for the past week, and sort of loading my emotional batteries. It was well-needed I think. I'm starting to feel alive and less depressed now. I also cut my hair again, and then I found my little brother's razor and went a little crazy. But I'm happy with the result, I feel like myself, more than I did before, which is weird because I never had this type of butch rocker haircut before. I guess it was about time I tried it.

Been generating some new ideas, but haven't been doing a lot of actual writing, but I think I'm about ready to in a bit. I just need to think a bit longer, then I can get down to it.

The following entry is me letting out some steam in Swedish...

2010-08-06T23:11:00.000+02:00

Jag funderar på att starta eget företag, eller enskild firma som det heter, tips från kompis och kollega Min, i första hand för mitt kreativa arbeta som författare, filmskapare och skådespelare, men även för andra småsaker till exempel design och försäljning av smycken, och mer down-to-earth extrajobb som barnpassning, så att jag kan fakturera och tjäna pengar vitt. Det här med barnpassning kom upp eftersom jag hoppat på verksamheter Kreativa Barnvakter nyligen, men också därför att en arbetskamrat till Min som är ensamstående mamma skulle behöva barnvakt framöver och Min tipsade henne om mig, så jag skulle behöva ta reda på lite mer om vad som gäller med lön och så vidare tänkte jag och Googlade på det... fann mycket bra information på Passagens debattsida, men innan dess så fann jag två forumtrådar som gjorde mig så himla ilsken att jag var tvungen att sammanfatta det här.

Först och främst, väldigt kortfattat, på en hemsida som heter Allt för föräldrar, var det någon som startat en tråd och kastat ut frågan "Vad är rimligt för mig att betala barnvakten?" och det första svar personen får är från en kvinna som kallar sig EllaNora och hon säger då: "50-60 kr i timman tycker jag är en rimlig svartlön för en barnvakt..."

För det första, vem sade något om svartlön? Visst, om det rör sig om att sitta barnvakt ett par timmar varannan vecka när föräldrarna vill komma bort från hemmet och slå klackarna i taket så spelar det ingen roll eftersom slutsumman inte kommer upp i den mängd att tjejen skulle behöva skatta på det ändå, men den informationen fanns inte tillgänglig i det öppnande inlägget, så det skulle lika gärna ha kunnat handla om barnpassning på del- eller varför inte heltid i brist på dagisplats, det vet varken jag eller EllaNora.

Men det som verkligen "tog tårtan" var den forumtråd som jag fann på en hemsida som heter Flashback, ungefär samma öppnande inlägg, fast här var mer information tillgänglig, vi fick veta att flickan som skulle passa småknytten gick i nionde klass, föräldrarna var schyssta nog att erbjuda middag och skjuts hem eller eventuell övernattning om det blev sent... men lyssna till de här utvalda inläggen:

H.E.L:
"80 kr i timmen? Skall hon även städa, lägga tak och kakla badrummet?
Nej, 40-60 kr i timmen svart. Inte mer. Hon får ju dessutom käk."

Skrt^:
"Snåla inte nu för fan! Ge henne minst 80 och om hon har potential att bli snygg; punga ut med mer vid sidan av!"

Spår av nötter:
"Väldigt generöst med taxi och allt. Men att åka taxi är väl inget hon uppskattar som betalning direkt. "Var barnvakt åt ungarna så får du åka taxi för femhundra spänn" -Inget till värde direkt.

Nej men 250 per kväll tycker jag låter rimligt... om hon är snygg. "

mosplhcb (som startade tråden):
"100 kr i timmen känns lite för mkt för oss. Då kan man ju iofs säga att det bara är vad två stora starka kostar, vilket vi antagligen drar i oss x flera under samma kväll, men ändå. Vi är som sagt inga höginkomsttagare, både jag och min sambo jobbar inom den offentliga sektorn, och det skulle resultera i att vi anlitade henne mer sällan.

Jag kan tänka mig att kompensera henne även i annat än pengar, t ex om hon behöver hjälp med något, skjuts någonstans och liknande."

encap:
"60-70 spänn räcker gott och väl. Det är skitbra betalt. Hon får fan käk, taxi hem, och slippa allt skit hemma, det är nog tillräckligt för en 9åk-are.

Lycka till!"

Alltså, jag blir så förbannad att jag inte vet var jag ska göra av mig själv! Det här är en människa som utför ett arbete vi pratar om här, dessutom en ung och lätt-utnyttjad människa som med initiativförmåga och god tro försöker tjäna ihop fickpengar på ett hederligt sätt, plus att arbetet i fråga heller inte är vilket arbete som helst, det innebär fullständigt ansvar för det mest heligaste och dyrbaraste i dessa människors liv, nämligen deras barn, och här prutar de med sina egna bristfälliga samveten för att se hur pass mycket pengar de kan lura henne på!

Och sedan, som om inte allt det vore nog, så spelar det helt plötsligt roll hur flickan ser ut! Är hon snygg? Som om det handlade om att träna upp en framtida älskarinna åt herrn i huset eller jag vet inte vad! Vad fan spelar det för roll om hon är snygg eller inte? Är man bättre barnvakt om man ser bra ut? Borde hon få mindre timlön om hon har oturen att vara ful, eller vadå?

Gaaaarrrgggghhh!!! säger jag bara. Hela jävla mänskligheten kan ta och hoppa i sjön, tycker jag. Jag bjuder på taxin dit. Svarttaxi.

Book "Review"

2010-08-06T21:48:00.002+02:00

Marble Skin by Slavenka Drakulić

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This is not a book, it's a stream of consciousness that envelops you, even after you've put it down it haunts you, and it should because it's a haunting, beautiful, terrible tale, told not so much in words but images that bleed together, there is no obvious structure, no square frame to keep the story in place, to keep you in place, in the story, there's just you and the pages and these two women, and they're not characters for you to observe, they're flesh and blood (under the marble skin) and you are one with both of them and they are one, and there's also the man somewhere in your peripheral, just a by-stander, this is not about the man although he plays an important part, he's just someone to see and touch and thus bring out the body, your body, so that you can understand it, and then he's gone, he's served his purpose, and all that's left is you, and the silence and the memories, and whatever comes next.

View all my reviews >>

Nothing important happened today

2010-07-25T16:04:00.000+02:00

I'm reading this amazing book, I don't remember if I told you that already, but it's called "Marble skin" and it's by Slavenka Drakulic. I'm loving every page of it so far, I'm on eighty out of a hundred and eighty-eight.

I worked in the indian restaurant last night, it was actually busy for once, but not in a good way. It was stressful, things went wrong, not big things like I'm used to from the previous place I waitressed in, but enough to be annoying. I also worked later than usually and missed the bus and the train that I usually take to get home when I've worked in this place, instead I had to take another bus, the tube and then a second bus, and of course there was lots of waiting and walking in the cold rain in-between those, which did wonders for the building cold I felt that previous morning, I can tell you. I was meant to work tonight as well, and I really should have because I really need the money (if I even get paid, which remains to be seen), but I sent my boss a text message and told him I felt too ill to come in, which was an exaggeration but not a complete lie, because I am feeling rather under weather, and last night undid the magic my last yoga session performed on my body and posture completely, and now my back and shoulders hurt again. Plus I woke up not too long ago and just finished making my coffee (the old-fashioned way, in a pot on the stove!) and if I were to work again tonight, I'd have to leave now, since it's Sunday and it'd take forever to get into town. And it still looks like rain. Not the refreshing kind, but the cold "I'm going to eat away your bone marrow" kind.

I also went to the theatre with my friend Min the other night, well the night before last actually, and saw "Inception" - I'd seen the posture of that film the night before and really didn't feel like I wanted to watch it, but when Min suggested it I figured there was hardly another movie showing that would be remotely better, and it did have two of my favourite actors in it (Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Marion Cotillard) so I agreed to it - and we were both pleasantly surprised, it was a lot better than we had anticipated! I especially loved the different levels to the story, and I'm not saying anything else because you I think you should watch it, it's entertaining if not nothing else, so you'll most likely enjoy it even if you don't think it's a masterpiece or anything. One thing though, towards the end, that I just didn't buy (not in terms of the actual story, more like the telling of it) and after you've seen it I'll tell you what and why...

When I got home from work, all shivery and miserable and aching, I didn't go to bed as I should have, I warmed up the meal the boys in the kitchen had made for me (I didn't even ask for it or remind them I was avegetarian this time, which I thought was really cool, they just made me something vegetarian and put it in take out containers and gave me the little bag before I was leaving.) and sat at my computer until seven this morning, watching Cesar's youtube clips and browsing facebook and blogs and my own pictures from my time in Vancouver, missing him and Ana and Mike and Emmanuel and Brett and Stephen and the good times in VFS, even some of the bad ones, and feeling generally nostalgic and lonely. That could have had something to do with today's morose pity party as well, I guess. I need a yoga session. And a place to live. And an original idea. And an acting gig. And a future.

Well, as always, this has been a rewarding conversation... what do I owe you for this session? Same time next week? Okay then.

P.S. obsessing over The X-files again. This is the fourth time around. Which means it definitely in the top five of the most recurring obsessions, still after seventeen years, that's quite cool, don't you think.

Script-writing and Flat hunting

2010-07-19T14:16:00.000+02:00

The feature screenplay that I wrote and then decided wasn't really right and had to be made into two different stories and further developed and then written again, well I've written one of them now. So, again, I've written a feature screenplay. But it's not completely done because I'm still not sure if it should have a parallel narrative with past events, or if it should have actual flash backs, or just leave it to the dialogue in present time, actual dialogue and subtext, to tell the story of the past, the way it is now... Basically, I don't know if I'm telling a "Beautiful Kate" or a "Margot at the wedding"...

Did I tell you I chopped my hair off?

Other things from the boring reality we're confined to:

The flat that Min and I thought we would get is no longer an option, which means we're both back to square one and potentially homeless come September. This situation is always fun. Never gets old. Really.

The job situation looks about the same way. The woman at Pocket Shop will get back to me in three weeks, when she gets back from her holiday, and I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for that, but that doesn't feed my bank account during the rest of the summer, though. So I'm going to head out with another batch of CV:s and see what happens.

Burning

2010-07-13T17:26:00.000+02:00

I just put a pot of chickpeas to boil on the stove and forgot about them. And the people I live with discovered them before the smell of something burning reached my room. Quite embarassing. They joked about burning down the house now that we're not allowed live there for much longer, so they weren't angry or anything. Although I think I might have ruined their pot... I blame the heat. I can't think, let alone function in this sauna of a house, and I would go outside to cool off, if it was actually cool outside, which it's not.

I had a great time on Sunday, I went to Min's parents house, and Min showed me, her friend Rasmus and her boyfriend Pedro how to make these Chinese dumplings, it was quite fun once you got the hang of it, very therapeutic, and then we ate them. Another one of Min's friends showed up as well, Becka, and together with Min's little brother Sean (I don't know if he spells it that way...) we all played a game of Kubb, and then we played charades for a long time. The girl's won, both games, obviously. Ha-ha.

And the couple that I live with currently came back from their holiday last night. They gave me a gift certificate for the movie theatre to say thank you for keeping their birds alive (it would have been bird and plants, but I actually managed to kill two of those, but thankfully they never mentioned it...)

I got a text message from the owner of the indian restaurant this morning, or afternoon, asking me to come in to work tomorrow. I really have a bad feeling about this job, especially since I told me brother and sister-in-law about it and my sister-in-law went all passionate about quitting it immediately because it seemed obvious I was being exploited... but I took some literature and lists with me home last time I worked, so I have to give those back anyway, and it doesn't feel right to show up and drop those off and not stay and work. Besides it's not like I have another summer job lined up, so I might as well, at least I'll get a bit of pocket change in tips and a free meal. And I can ask him if he doesn't need my bank info to be able to transfer me my wages and gauge his reaction to it. Maybe I'm being paranoid, I shouldn't jump to conclusions. But even if he pays me, I'm still not going to take responsibility for that bar of his that he wants to open, the whole thing is just too unprofessional and chaotic.

My words fly up, thoughts left on the ground

2010-07-02T15:31:00.000+02:00

Yes. You heard me. It's that kind of day.

No, it could be worse. I'm just feeling under the weather and I have to go and serve posh(ish) people in this indian restaurant downtown. I had my first night yesterday and it went fine. I mean, every item on the menu is as good as gibberish to me, I have no idea what the difference between this and that is and which is milder or hotter, but there was enough people coming in so that it didn't get boring, and still not become stressful, and compared to my last experience as a waitress (/barista/shift supervisor/dish washer) it was heavenly. For one thing, we weren't out of ninety per cent of the items on the menu, in fact we weren't out of any items on the menu, and nothing broke down, no fridge, no freezer, no toilet, no employees...

So, yeah, it went okay. The boss said I did a good job and that I could come back tonight, he also told me what my wages are going to be and that in the summer I'll mainly be working extra, which means he'll call me up if someone gets sick (which is a little less okay) but toward the end of summer and especially in the autumn I'll be able to work loads (still not okay... because) I wanted it the other way round, work loads this summer, then extra when school starts.

Also I have this job interview for Pocket Shop on monday that I'm really excited about because I always wanted a day job working with either films or books! So if I get that, I won't be working in the restaurant at all, because the book shop is a more permanent position, either part- or full time. So I'm starting to feel a great amount of resistence to even bother with the waitress gig, especially since I don't know if he still considers me a trainee or whatever and if he's not planning to pay me until I know the menu by heart or something. We'll see, I guess. At least I'll get a free meal by the end of the night (That sounded just awful, like I'm toeing the edge of the cliff and am about to fall and hit rock bottom, and next I'll be dining with the Salvation Army or something... no offence to the homeless, but the day I have to pretend to accept Jesus as my saviour in order to get a hot meal from the Salvation Army, I'll consider myself sitting on the rock bottom, but that's just me.)

So the movie "Gerry" is really bloody cool. I watched it again last night or this morning or however you want to look at it and it's incredible. It's not even movie. It's an experience. I love when those films get made, because I'm so sick of everyone who've crammed themselves into this little box labelled "How to be a successful film maker" is throwing all these stupid rules at me about what I can and can't do, like I don't know how to build a commercially successful concept, like I haven't inadvertedly seen a thousand examples of it, I'll just pick a script at random and change the details, tadaa!, but it just so happens that I don't want to do that, call me pretentious or naïve, but I actually want to bring something a little different and a little new to the table, because otherwise, what's the point? So, Gus Van Sant, definitely an inspiration.

Off to refill my coffee mug. (Graduation gift from my mum, it's ceramic and it says "There's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in", I thought it was perfect, and when I told Anja she loved it too, the quote I mean, and then I told Min and she frowned and said, "That only works if you were to break the mug and get a crack in it...", just a prime example of the difference of perspective between people! And that's why you need a Min to tell you're story ideas to, because if anyone is going to push you to know your story inside and out and be clear, it's her! I don't know if irony is somehow related to that, or if that's just my writing. Min has a hard time getting irony, it's really amazing, I've never met someone who doesn't pick up on irony before... it really keeps you on your toes in conversation, and it brings to your attention just how ironic and sarcastic you really are, and by you, I mean I.)

Midsummer's Eve in Stockholm.

2010-06-26T02:52:00.000+02:00

Yes it gets hot in Sweden. Min's brazilian boyfriend who is visiting the country right now would and have disagreed with me on this on several occasions already, but everything is relative...

So Midsummer was a success. I had a great time. It was relaxed, albeit too hot at first but then it got cloudy and perfect, we went for a swim in the lake, participated ironically in the traditional Midsummer festivities, well didn't so much participate as join in with a little singing and laughing at participants, but the I entered into the spirit of the thing, especially considering I couldn't find any sun block and for part of the day the sun was scorching... or warm at least...

We had a very random, impulsive get-together with a couple of people at the train stop while we where waiting for the train back into the city as well. They offered us strawberry cake and we offered them red wine in return. We also played frisbee with them and jumped with a long skipping rope. Good times.

Funny anecdote:

On my way home just now on the metro, at half past two in the morning, I'm sitting there, opposite this slightly weird but safe-looking guy in his mid thirties who could have been occasionally talking to himself, but I'm not sure (you never can be these days, what with all the crazy technology like handsfree... haha.)

And with all my make-up washed off, hair all tangled, plus wearing a baggy long-sleeve and jeans shorts... I'm a contrast to the other dolls present, right, and I'm thinking, well at least no-one will bother me, they'll think me a bum or something with my huge VFS backpack and so I put my ipod ear pieces in and crank some Dimmu Borgir...

When lo and behold, this guy plops down in the seat next to mine. In my peripheral I can see that he's turned around to stare at my profile point blank and is attempting at conversation... at first I play unaware, but he's still mouthing in my general direction, so I do the whole, glance then turn and look politely surprised and take one of my ear pieces out and say "I'm sorry what?" (only in Swedish) and then the conversation went as follows:

The guy next to me: *slurring* YoubeentoTanton?
Me: What was that, sorry?
The guy next to me: You been to Tanton?
Me: yyyeah, yes, I've been at a friend's place.
The guy next to me (nods, almost smugly, for a very long time, then...): Hadagoodtime?
Me: Eh yeah, yeah...... Yourself?
The guy next to me: Yeah.

(Pause, with awkward - for me - stearing and possibly leering - from him)

Me: Okay then.
The guy next to me: YougointoTcen?
Me: What was that?
The guy next to me: You going to T-cen?
Me: No?
The guy next to me: Mörby Centrum?
Me: Oh! Yeah. I mean, no, I'm going to Enebyberg, but yeah.
The guy next to me: Really. I wouldn't have guessed that.
Me:...No?
The guy next to me: Would've thought T-centralen, that's where you can take all the trains... and the tubes, those too...

Then the guy opposite me joins in: Not anymore you can't, the trains, they stopped running now, I think.
The guy next to me: Really? There aren't any trains anymore?
The guy opposite: I hope so, I need to catch one, I'm going further south- That's great that you guys had fun tonight. I didn't.
Me:...You didn't?
The guy opposite: No, not particularly, no.
Me: Why is that?
The guy opposite: Well the girl I'm interested in is sort of promiscious. And my closest friends have turned their back on me.
Me: Oh... no...
The guy opposite: Yeah, but that's how it goes sometimes, you just have to accept that sometimes you have bad nights out, I'm hoping tomorrow will be better, I'm going to a picnic.
Me: With other friends?
The guy opposite: Yes, other friends, that's right, yes.

The guy next to me takes out his iphone and mumbles something to regain my attention, once again I ask him to repeat himself and he asks me for my number.

Me: Why, what are you going to do with it?
The guy next to me: Dunno. Text you or something.
Me: There's really no point to that, I'm not interested.
The guy next to me: Not interested? In me?
Me: In anyone... I'm already involved, actually.

Speaker's voice: T-Centralen.

The guy next to me gets up to get off the tube, he puts a friendly hand on my arm and says good bye and take care. Meanwhile the guy opposite has also got up out of his seat and is standing there, and waits until the guy next to me has left and then waves good bye at me and says: "Good luck with you relationship" and then he also gets off.

And then I sit there by myself, trying not to laugh aloud and to figure out if that just happened.

And yes, Cesar, I know you think I'm "so mean". Which is complete and utter bollocks of course, I was a true gentlewoman to both those... people. So there.

Happy Midsummer's Eve everyone!

2010-06-25T12:40:00.000+02:00

It's too hot. I have the window open on the other side of the solid dark brown curtain that is supposed to keep the light out and only half succeeds and it's still too hot in here. I'm dreading going outside, I'm only doing it because where I'm going there'll be a lake and I'll be going into it and it'll be heavenly. Midsummer's Eve, I'm spending it with Min and Tobbe from my old class, Min's boy toy (just kidding) Pedro who's visiting from Brazil and some of Min's friends from before, we're having a potluck picnic (I've made budget salad for the occasion and will be supplying the the beet's salad, the biscuits and the strawberries as well.) and not to forget, swimming in the lake. My only concern is that I can't seem to find any sun block anywhere. I'm not terribly worried about tanning this year, but I realy don't want to get burns.

Also, I want one of those flashy modern mobiles that takes really good quality photos and can hook up to the internet, because as it is now, my internet access is too limited and I don't have a camera at all, and the whole idea with me even owning a twitter account is just laughable all things considered. Mind you, twitter is rather pointless, with or without an iphone, I think. But any means to remind people of ones existence is vital, and in this day and age, if you don't update you Facebook status, well you might as well not exist. Speaking of which, I'm now following Barack Obama on Twitter. And Jared Leto... yeah.

Between purposes.

2010-06-20T17:04:00.000+02:00

So after the second and final screening I went into hiding, or hibernating, for about a week. I skived off the graduation spectacle, and the class brunch, and shut myself in my room and watched movies and wrote a feature length screenplay. I've become something resembling a human being again since then, actually hung out with Tobbe and Min from class two days in a row, and now I'm relishing the fact that I seem to have internet at home again, for however long it'll last.

And I'm also itching to set up a web hosting account and rebuild my website more professionally or at least seriously but that is a very bad idea since I haven't got a job for the summer yet and won't be able to pay next month's rent, not to mention the mandatory get-together with the new class at the new school for the first few days which means I have to get myself from Stockholm to way off somewhere else in the country, pay for housing and feed myself whilst there. I had this half-baked naïve notion that I wouldn't have to get another grant for this year since it's mainly study-from-home and I'd be able to have a job and make some money at the same time, haah, yeah right! Well, to be honest, what with all the buzz at the end of (previous) school and then going MIA for a week, I haven't really had the time to put my back into looking for a job, but I'll get started on that for real first thing monday. But I think I'll apply for a grant for the first term anyway, just in case, and if I do happen to find enough work during that time, I won't apply for a grant for the second term. Not that it matters either way. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt already and there's no way I'll be able to pay it off, so what's another year going to do...

Possible good news on the film front, though. I might have a job on a novella film being shot this summer. Caroline, whom I did the internship on the zombie film with, has asked me to help her out with the casting, and maybe I'll get to tag along for the shoot as well, probably as an extras co-ordinator since that's what I mainly did on the zombie film. And unless they're shooting when I need to be in my new school. I really hope not because I'd really like to come, they'll be shooting at least one scene in London (at Gordon Ramsey's restaurant!) and that's just cool.

Things are coming to a new beginning.

2010-06-10T15:47:00.000+02:00

Last night we had the screening at school, tonight we have a bigger one (if more people show up, at least) out in Subtopia outside of town. Last night was weird. My parents, my big brother and my friend Annsofie and her husband came to see mine and Anja's (and the other's) short films, there was a heavy sense of anticipation-mixed foreboding in the air, at least within the class, at least I felt so, like something was about to drastically change and we could all feel it and it made our skins prickle but so far everything was exactly the same so we had to stall or hide our reactions to it, so we were stomping on egg shells and making eye contact like it was nothing and pretending like it didn't feel like it was the last time we saw it others, which it wasn't, but it sort of felt like it anyway. We had a toast and chaotic talk afterward with our professor and mentor Maria, she'd bought champagne, I was listening to the others talk, some tried to keep it light, others wanted to make speeches, Tobbe was drunk, Maria was hard to read as usual but smiling more than ever, I didn't say anything.

Earlier in the day Anja and I went to the screening of the third year's final productions, amongst them the zombie film, although we had to leave before the last film because our photographer sent us a text message and said there was something wrong with the files and she couldn't convert the film from the program to a Quick time, and later we heard that the last film was the best one by far. But at least we got to see the ones we'd been involved in. The zombie film turned out great!

I'm in school again now. Min and I are printing and folding more fliers for the screening tonight. The weird feeling from yesterday is still here. But it's not like I'm anxious about the future, not like before, because I got an email from the school I've applied to for that scriptwriting course for next year and I got in, so I know what my next step is, so it's not like I'll be thrown into an abyss as soon as the doors to the school close behind me.

Deadlines and a newfound muse

2010-05-26T15:33:00.000+02:00

I made it to the third and last step in the admission for the scriptwriting course for next year. It's an interview on the third of June.

Meanwhile, we're getting closer to the deadline for our short film "Vargens timma" and we've got a lot to do yet before it's even closed to finished, so I'm guessing we'll be working around the clock for the rest of the week. Although I have a couple of other things that I need to do as well, for one I still need to find a job. Also, I want to apply for a summer course in norm-criticizing theater performance at the theater school, and that deadline is the first of June. I have the interview that I mentioned. I need to work out a solution to my short/novella script and to do that I need to visit a funeral company and do some research.

Plus, I just had an idea for a really short short film that I need to write down as soon as possible so that I can get some feedback from my teachers before this course is over - I think this will be a perfect project to start with, because it's simple and short, it's got two characters and it's just one scene - I need to make a few shorter film projects that are cheap to get done, that I can show when I apply for funding for my larger projects down the line. And I usually have a really hard time thinking of shorter story ideas, all my ideas tend to involve complicated relationships and long character developments and stretch out to feature length, so I was really surprised when this idea came to me, practically finished, just like that, from a clear sky. It was like I'd been struck by a bolt of inspiration from a muse, and that never happens to me, ever!

Right now, I'm waiting for Anja to get to school so that we can start working. She's already found one job and has been working three hours in the morning every day this week and I've been doing other stuff, and then we've worked on the short film in the afternoon and into the evening. And today she had a meeting as well, so it's going to be a late night tonight. But that's the business we're getting into and I'm not complaining! At least I'm not starving anymore!

Tedious everyday stuff.

2010-05-24T12:15:00.000+02:00

Uploading my CV to different groups of retail companies' websites. I rather work in a café, especially over summer and autumn, but I'm in no position to be picky. Besides, one type of store that would be almost ideal for me and would be my dream job if making films weren't already... book stores! So, keep your fingers crossed for a position in one of those lining up for me. Looking for work is tiresome and discouraging. But now I'm going to replace my "new" pajamas (I got another bag of clothes from my sister-in-law, including a lovely pair of pajamas!) with something more respectable and head for school. Anja and I are working afternoons and evenings for three days now, because she already got a job and started this morning.

The scriptwriting course admission's third step will be announced this wednesday too. It's just an interview, and it's in Stockholm, so I'm actually hoping that I passed step two. So there's another reason to keep your fingers crossed.

Twenty-four.

2010-05-22T01:55:00.000+02:00

So my 24th birthday came and went fairly quietly. I'd almost forgotten it myself in the morning. And then I was in school working wkith Anja. I'd got a bunch of Happys on Facebook that I only just saw and responded to now. And I got a text message from both my brothers respectively. And a phone call from each of my parents. And a proper birthday card in the mail, also from my parents. And Anja bought me a cup of coffee when we were taking a break from editing.

I can't believe I'm twenty-four. I'll be twenty-five next year. That's irreversibly and unquestionably grown-up. I don't feel very grown-up. I certainly don't act it most of the time. I guess those cliché quotes about age being a number and a state of mind and all that is true.

I've run into a pickle with my script. I don't know what to do with it. I have a strong mind to just discard the whole thing. But that would be giving up, and I'm trying not to do that as much any more. But even the post-it note thing isn't working out and I'm out of ideas and patience.

Well, I should get some sleep. Got my nephew Theo's birthday party tomorrow, and my parents and little brother are taking me out to lunch before we're going over to my big brother's place for it, too.

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2010-05-11T19:26:00.000+02:00

So by now we've finished shooting the short "Vargens timma", I'd meant to blog during the shoot and keep you updated on the process, but there wasn't time to, nor energy. One night we kept going well into the morning, and Anja and I stayed the night in the flat where we were filming, and that was the good day because it meant we got a few hours of extra sleep. But the shoot went well. The team was amazing. We got some great material. A couple of images in particular are awesome, so stay tuned for teaser trailer or film clip! So far we've only started syncing the images to the sounds, which is simple enough but takes FOREVER, and therefor we haven't been able to start editing yet...

We also had the pitch for 360 grader on friday. I'd given up on composing some sort of script for it and just had faith that I knew what my film was about and how I wanted it to look and I just went up and improvised. It went swimmingly. I felt really confident, even though I was extremely nervous before-hand. Same thing for Anja. In fact I think everyone were blown away by the fact that we both "took the stage" with such ease and confidence, no longer playing the insecure little shy girls that people have seen us as, and it felt really liberating. And even if I faked the confidence when I first went up, I found it for real as I stood there. And afterwards when Anja and I were congratulating each other on a job well done, a classmate of ours did this subconsciously patronizing thing that happens so often, he laughed and commented in the sort of voice you use to talk to kids or puppies and said we were cute, and both Anja and I instinctively put him right and told him not to say stuff like that, and he obviously felt bad because it wasn't his conscious intention, but that's so typical. When a girl has a victory she's "cute" but when a guy has the same victory he gets a heartfelt slap on the shoulder and a "Good work" that isn't high-pitched at all.

I've also applied to a scriptwriter's course for next year, as you know. And I moved on to stage two in the admission. We had to analyze a script of our choice and write down our thoughts on it in relation to our own writing, I chose "The indian runner" and started out praising the strong lead characters and their complex relationship and the plot as a whole, but ended up criticizing it for its stereotypically two-dimensional female characters put into the story only to accentuate the male characters further (made a parallel to Lars Norén's female characters, for those of you familiar with his plays, as well as the female characters in the Bible) and ended the whole feminist manifesto saying scripts like this made me not want to, but feel the need to write my own scripts, just as powerful but with the paper dolls a.k.a. female characters taken out and replaced by actual three-dimensional human beings with minds of their own, because I can't relate to the two female leads in The Indian Runner at all, I can relate to Frank (played by Viggo Mortensen) and even Joe (played by David Morse) because they're stereotypically human, as opposed to stereotypically male. Maybe I came on a bit too strong, but as I told Cesar in an email a few hours ago, if they end up accepting me into the course, they might as well be prepared for what they're taking on, right... We also had to write a scene between 2-3 characters with the theme jealousy. So I struggled with that yesterday and managed to convert it to pdf as well and got it sent off just in time for the deadline!

Going home for the day now. Should be doing yoga, but don't think I'll make it in time. Should also eat something, but don't think I have much food left in my cupboards. I have rice, I think. And soured milk, some at least. And salsa. All very yummy! Especially combined!

Saturday, and clearly spring.

2010-04-17T13:01:00.000+02:00

So I woke up at six o'clock this morning, at first feeling pretty good, but I think that was a reaction in comparison to how I normally feel when I'm up at six in the morning. I got up, and started to feel dizzy and faint. I also had a killer crick in my neck so I must have slept too curled up... I went to make coffee, planning to get som writing done before going to Vårrullen film festival where I was supposed to promote Baskursen at Dramatiska Institutet with three guys from my class. But I started feeling nauseous so I went back to bed. I couldn't go back to sleep so I watched two and a half movies (Saw 1, Killer deadline and From dusk till dawn) before I dozed off. My mobile ring tone (which is the song my little brother and his band recorded when he was like 13...) woke me up at noon and it was one of the guys, they were heading towards the place. I still felt like death reheated in a microwave, plus my throat was started to get sore, so I called Tobbe to make sure he had the stuff and that he was going, and then I decided to stay home and take it easy. I feel bad about it, since now our course is being represented by guys only, since I was the only girl who signed up, but I can't afford to get sick before the shoot, in case I'm coming down with another cold or something... I did discard my winter jacket the other day and yesterday it was pouring down rain...

Positive things, though! We now have a beautiful, perfect flat to shoot in, it was like walking into my own script, the only thing I could think was "This is where Maj (the main character) lives!" so that's taken care of, beyond expectations. And yesterday we heard back from the photographer, and she said yes too! I'm clapping my hands and giggling whenever I think about it!

The plant I got from mum when I got into D.I. has resurrected again. It's even got a new leaf amidst the dried-up old ones now.

After I met up with my old friend Annsofie for a coffee and a chat a while back, I wrote three poems on the ride home, just straight from my subconscious, no editing, and I put them up on this poetry website, and one of them ("luftskjul") were selected by the editors to be on the main page, they have a place for poems they want people to pay attention to, and I never got one of my poems noticed like that before, with my edited poems, so maybe poetry works the opposite way from scriptwriting for me, because my first draft of a script is incomprehensible to most people and I need to edit like crazy before anyone gets what it's about, and I rely on loads of good feedback to get the story where it needs to go... but apparantly in poetry, I should just wruite from my "creative unconscious" as the mother character in "Running with scissors" kept saying, and not edit too much...

I feel better now, just got a mild headache and a mildly sore throat (but my neck still hurts like a thumbscrew!) but I'm glad I decided to stay at home, I think I need the weekend to focus and recharge my batteries, plus I have to write a new version for Vargens timma and start editing Brev till min mamma (which needs a lot of work, the main plot was lost on Maria, so it's as unclear as can be, pus she said it was too slow in the build-up, I needed to start where the "action" starts for the main character, and she's completely right, of course, she's actually really great at giving feedback!)

Jam jars!

2010-04-15T13:45:00.000+02:00

Growing out of my skin. The future is a kaleidoscope of confusing thoughts and maybe-options. Dreams. Realities. Not really terrifying, at least not today. Possibilities. Hope. Self-confidence.

I just compiled an application package for scriptwriting course on distance (is that what you call it, I don't think so... I don't know what you call it. But you work from home, you don't go to a school every day, you only meet up about three times per term, the rest of the time you keep in contact with mentors and course mates via internet and work on your own projects and give each other feedback. I thought that would be a great option, because then you can work at the same time and earn your rent, plus work on your film projects on the side as well, if you have time.) and mailed it. I also mailed a letter to Mexico.

In a bit, Anja and I are meeting up with a photographer we hope will want to shoot our short. After that we have a script meeting with out teacher Maria. After that we're going to look at a flat we'll hopefully be allowed to shoot in.

The date of our first day of filming is getting closer. Both Anja and I are rather stressed out. But we also had a meeting with the photo professor at the school yesterday and told him about the script and what we wanted to do (show the world as the main character sees it when she's experiencing anxiety with distorted perspective, tunnel vision, shadows moving around her, and then as it gets really bad, we want to embody Anxiety itself as this shadow creature watching her from the background and slowly moving closer to her) and he gave us loads of inspiring and creative tips and ideas, like us, he's all for old school tricks as opposed to the newest, most expensive technique, and that was a relief to hear. For example, instead of a 35 mm adapter and different lenses to achieve these effects like distorted perception of the room, he said he used film through different see-through objects like jam jars and the glass part of a paraffin lamp. And he also said that he filmed in a studio once and they literally made the room bigger and smaller by moving the walls, and said that would be a really effective way to make the walls close in on the character... but we're filming on location, so the walls are immovable, but then I thought of a way to achieve that same effect, if you go in for closer shots so that you don't see the whole rooms or more than one wall, you can move a piece of furniture closer, or move the actor (that would be me...) closer to the wall! So yes, we're stressed out, but we're also really excited now, thanks to the inspiration of this teacher! Old school tricks seem to be one.) more effective and creative, and two.) way more fun!

Well, I should get going. Just wanted to check in.
Peace, love and respect

fucking tea and stuff

2010-03-29T01:28:00.000+02:00

Drinking tea (red) even though I haven't got a cold. Am feeling cold though, as in chilly. I'll blame it on that. Hi by the way, long time no update, I know. I haven't even been busy this weekend, I haven't been doing anything, not even writing, or working on my social skills, just been in bed all two days and nights, sometimes dozing, sometimes watching something...

for example "Brideshead Revisited" which I bought on DVD recently, for two reasons, 1.) Jeremy Irons, 2.) homoerotic subtext, oh and I suppose 2½.) it was voted the best english TV show of all time... well, it was good for about two and a half episodes. Jeremy Irons was good all through out of course, but his character was like a watered-down version of Heathcliff in that he went from sympathetic to outright awful by the end, and the storyline tumbled quickly downhill in my eyes as well, I could never read the book... unlike Wodehouse's writings of Jeeves & Wooster there seemed to be no satire about it at all, quite the opposite, it painted the upper class world out to be this Paradise to revere and, in times of war, protect... well, I'll have to agree with my mum on this one - but I still maintain that P.G. Wodehouse is awesome and that she would like the books if she gave them a try *hint hint*

I haven't been bedridden from exhaustion either, which is the annoying thing... but I've been in physical pain. For one, I've managed to hit my left shoulder really hard, so that it's not only bruised but I'm only just starting to regain full mobility in my arm... same thing with my knee... and the icing on top would be the most excruciating after "working out/having slept on Stonehenge" muscle pain you can imagine in my entire back, shoulders and neck, neck so much so that I've had next to no sideways mobility in that department either... must have been from sleeping in some awkward position or something, because I haven't been working out, I've only been dancing a bit at the class party on friday! a few of us stayed behind, fought over which music to play and danced around for a bit, it was fun, except the part where I fell down and hit my shoulder, my knee and the back of my head in a chair and part of a wall... and I wasn't even drunk! ah well... bruises are cool, and pain lets you know you're alive.

I've also been reading this.

And in case I didn't mention it before, working with Simon Norrthon has been one of the best things that's ever happened to me, the work shop in general has, but getting Simon Norrthon as an actor on top of that, him being absolutely lovely, and amazing, and me not making a complete arse of myself, and learning quite a bit, and realizing for certain that directing is fucking amazing and it's definitely something I want to be doing more of, yeah... definitely one of the best things ever. So many things just sort of... clicked, in those days.

And I've been re-watching the film that I first saw him in when I was about nine, "Pensionat Oskar" which has been on second place of my top favourite films list for years (since I watched "The Indian Runner" and it got bumped down to second from first) but since watching it again lately (about ten or fifteen times, I'd say would be a fair guess, by myself... then once with Anja, once with my parents, and once with my little brother only we only got halfway because dinner got ready and he didn't like it...) and it's now bumped "The Indian Runner" down to second and reclaimed first place. Susanne Bier whose directed it is also one of my favourite directors now. And Peter Jackson isn't anymore. ("The Lovely Bones" being the reason. I can't even go into it, but.... even worse than the trash "literature" it was based on, completely commercial, sappy, predictable, pointless, etc etc etc.... yeah. DISAPPOINTED.)

The zombie film had its wrap party too. Weird. Nice. Weird. Sad. Fun. Awkward. Lovely. Yeah. I tried to "pitch" my novella film project to Rebecka, the producer, and she said she would love to read the script. I didn't even pitch the project to Caroline, I just sort of told her I wanted her with me if I got to make it, and she agreed. The pressure on writing this stupid script is therefore... yeah.

Going to bed now. Good night everyone.

Want to know what my world is like at the moment?

2010-03-13T14:45:00.001+01:00

The other day I made a compulsive visit to a grocery store on the way home when I was only supposed to be changing trains, and since I needed some groceries because I've been running out of options at home, I figured it was probably a good thing. Until I walked out again with a bag of crisps, two pairs of sun glasses and three DVDs... Oh, and a jar of pesto! That was dinner. Yeah. I'm a terrible shopper.

So we had our first day with Eva Dahlman yesterday, without the actors, just her, myself, Ragnar, Anja, Arsen, Katta and Bam Bam, talking about the two scripts and then each of us got to talk about the particular scene we'd chosen to do and explain what it meant to us, how we wanted to see it performed and staged, and so on. And then Eva Dahlman gave us a lot of tips on how to go about, first continuing the preparatory work on our scenes, then preparing for the meeting with our actors, and how to approach the scenes with them and how to direct them.

It's so scary. I got Simon Norrthon, whom I'd wished for from the beginning, he's amazing and I've admired him since I was a kid, even though I haven't seen him in much since he's mostly been doing theatre and I haven't really been to any theatres in Stockholm. But he was in one of my favourite films that I show with my mum as a kid, Pensionat Oskar, and he was also in Hugo's midterm film, Altona. And Caroline's told me that he's great, both to work with and as a person, but I'm still terrified, what if what I say doesn't make any sense to him, what if I don't have enough grasp on the text and the play, what if I do anything at all (which is very likely when it comes to me) that makes me look stupid? Etc, etc, etc... so those are the regular jitters. Here are the more pressing, and more justified, ones:

I've chosen a scene which is a dialogue between the main character and her doctor/shrink. I'd decided on the scenery and the blocking and the, everything, basically, based on the fact that there were two characters in the scene, talking to each other, and would be performed by two actors, on the stage, talking to each other... well, guess what, I get one actor. So my whole prep goes out the window as does half of my text analysis, because unless I want the poor actor to behave like he's suffering from dissociative personality disorder and be both characters and talk to himself, the scene has to be performed like the main character re-telling the story of how the conversation with her shrink went when they convinced him/her to start taking medicine, so then everything in the dialogue, including the shrink's lines, are told by the main character, and are then subject to his/her interpretation, judgement, censorship, you name it, it's not objective. For one, it's from her memory, and memories in themselves are not reliable, and her thoughts overall aren't reliable as it is (This is Sarah Kane's Psychosis 4.48, by the way!) and her interpretation of them is very likely coloured by her feelings for her shrink, so biased, to say the least. This makes the most sense to me. And it took me half the day and then the entire ride home and browsing for a bit in another grocery store like a crazy lady muttering to herself with the script clutched to my chest, to figure this out. He is re-telling the story of how he ended up taking medicine, against his better knowledge, and what do you know, I was right, kind of thing... so the second problem then would be, since this is not happening in the now as I'd planned it would be from the beginning, it's already happened, where is he now and why is he re-telling this story and to whom is he talking? He's not talking to himself, he's not sitting in his room muttering under his breath, he's not repeating anything, he's teling it like a story, like he has an audience... so is he actually talking to the audience, and is the audience representing the world, whoever is listening, whoever cares, to whom it may concern... if this is a chapter in his suicide note, I guess that would make sense... but most of the text is addressed directly to the shrink, like the suicide note is written for her/him, so is he really telling all of this to the shrink? Why? They were there, they know what happened. But what if they forgot? What if they think they can just forgot and move on with their lives and shake off any feelings of guilt and pretend they were just doing their job and this was just another unfortunate statistic? No way, and this is why I'm writing this letter, this is why, to let you and the whole world know that this is your fault, all your fault, and my father's fault and my mother's fault, but I blame you, because I loved you because you got me to love you and you got to me and you touched me deeper than anyone ever has and no-one is allowed to touch me but you did and then you betrayed me and lied to me and you abandoned me; my last hope, the one who was going to save me, you didn't and that's why I'm dead. So fuck you if you think you're moving on and sleeping soundly next to your partner at night. I want you to feel bad. I want you to feel bad for the rest of your life. I want you to know what you did to me. You and all the world. I'm taking full responsibility of my own actions, I took my own life, I don't deny that, but you helped, and I want the world and you to know that. You helped kill me... Yeah. Okay, that makes sense. But it's one thing to think it. How do you show it? How do you stage it? Is he standing in the middle of his room at the hospital, walls closing in and all that, screaming at the ceiling, or has he conjured up an image of the shrink before his mind's eye and is spitting the words into their imaginary face, or is the shrink just outside the door, somewhere nearby in the corridor, or are there other doctors outside, that he's trying to reach out to, to actually make himself heard, or is he addressing the audience in a sort of out-of-body experience, the actor embodying the voice of the character in their handwriting of the sucide note?

Questions, questions, questions...

It's a great play though. I can't believe I've missed her and never heard of her before. Sarah Kane. I'm going to read everything about her and all of her plays now. She was brilliant. The whole thing is really sad and morbid but beautiful at the same time. Because this play, Psychosis 4.48, is the last thing she wrote, and it is her suicide note, and shortly after she wrote it she hung herself in her room at the hospital. And of course, knowing that, it makes the whole experience working with the play all the more eerie, like it means more, not because she actually did do it in the end, but because every single word is true beyond doubt, and you know that she's poured out her heart and soul, the very last remnants of both, out onto the page and left them behind, and now you're holding them and can only hope to get anywhere near doing them justice... and of course that adds to the jitters as well. Another scary thing is how much I can relate to so much of it. I've never had a psychosis and I've never had electric shock treatments, which by the way, I didn't know they still used, and was really shocked (no pun intended) to find out that they do, in Sweden even, and is that even safe, and how do they know, but that's besides the point... I can relate to everything she's feeling and thinking. But then again, I think most people can, at least if they analyse the text, because the circumstances may be extreme, but her thoughts and feelings are every person's thoughts and feelings, they're human thoughts and feelings, human weakness and strength, human complexes and complexities, human hybris, human despair, human humour as a self-defence mechanism; and that's what I love most about Sarah Kane and this play, her sense of humor, through it all, even her darkest moments, she still has a sense of humor about it all, and herself, gallows humour. I love it. Like in my scene, she says (and I'm translating from the Swedish translation of the play because I've yet to find the original, so I'm sure it's better put initially...) "I dreamed I went to see a doctor and she told me I only had eight minutes to live, and that's after I'd been sitting in her fucking waiting room for half an hour."

Check out Simon Norrthon and Sarah Kane. And look after yourselves.

---

4.48 Psychosis by Sarah Kane

My rating: 5 of 5 stars
How do you review a suicide note? It's beautiful, it's dark, it's funny, it's tragic, it's morbid, it's complex, it's to-the-point, it's hopeful, it's hopeless, it's logical, it's chaotic, it's there, in your face, it's the truth. She has, had, a beautiful way with words, an amazing sense of humour even in her darkest moments, she writes with such clarity, even when nothing is clear to her, she writes in rhythms and images and it's like poetry, or music, and every single word is important, means something, symbolically or directly, it's what's left of her heart and soul, poured out and smeared across a page and it's ruthless and mean and vengeful and, maybe, forgiving at the same time. It's not the words of a victim. It's not a plea for sympathy, or empathy, or forgiveness, or even to be understood. It's a farewell speech, it's a declaration of love, and hate, and it's a statement, she's taking full responsibility of her own actions, but she's not letting the others, who share the blame for why this happened, she's not letting them off the hook either, she's brutal, she's desperate, she's honest, she's waving at us from the space in-between, or she could be flipping us off, or she could be doing a peace sign, it doesn't matter, she was here, now she's gone, these are her parting words, and they're what they are.

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One of those mornings

2010-03-08T09:30:00.000+01:00

Couldn't sleep last night. Got caught up with Supernatural, even though I'm sort of over that show now, just to have something to focus on as I was trying to sleep, which I eventually did (but by that time I was back to old episodes of Touching Evil, which I know by heart so it's easier to watch it with my eyes closed and thus easier to lure myself to sleep.) But I was basically undead when my alarm went off this morning and looked it too. And I managed to be running late and everything. Only to get a phone call from my new teacher as I was on the train and discover that I wasn't even supposed to show up, only group 1 was supposed to, but I might as well come into school anyway so that we could have one of our meetings (she likes to have meetings with you.) so I figured I'd go get a nice big coffee and relax, print my scripts and proof read quietly until she was done with group 1... well, I realized I'd forgot my wallet at home. Yeah. So here I am, the living dead, no coffee (or teacher) in sight, running on empty as far as caffeine and any other form of energy goes, and it's only nine thirty. What do you suppose my chances are of making it through the day?

maah.

2010-03-04T01:26:00.000+01:00

Don't know quite what to do with myself now. But at least I've rested a bit. Tomorrow I'll get some serious work done.

Saw Min today. She got back from Brasil yesterday, we went to Skärholmen and had coffee and talked some.

Then I went to my brother's since I'd been invited over for dinner when he phoned me yesterday. Vegan pancakes with vegan whipped cream and blueberry jam. Got to see the kids and then they went to bed and I had coffee and watched some telly with my brother and Annelie.

Then I went home and attempted to permanently curl my hair with this foul-smelling toxic stuff that I bought, I don't think I did it right or it doesn't work very well, but we'll see what it looks like when my hair's dried...

Watching Wire in the blood now, and falling asleep sitting up. Should probably crawl into bed.

Sorry. I'm too knackered to compose interesting or witty sentences. I'll leave off here and talk to you again later when I'm more... you know... into it.

The last of the exterior shots!

2010-02-27T22:51:00.000+01:00

I'm stuck where treasures of childhood litter
the sounds of almost innocense linger
like a stuttering wail &
yesterday's morning was broken with a fist
These marks will also fade
(but I'll never be that smooth blank whole
again.)

About 16-hour day today, shooting outside, on the plus side we didn't have -18 degrees like we had the other day when we shot under St. Eriksbron (bridge) but on the downside it was really wet and damp, so it still got cold and it got in your bones, and my shoes and socks got soaked early in the day so I've been walking around with cold, wet feet all day and night. (You get used to it after a while.) Oh, and I had to get up at three in the morning to catch the night bus to get me into town and to school to co-ordinate extras at half past five, but the bloody bus just drove on right past me, so I was about ten minutes late anyway, so I could just have slept another half hour. But it was fine. I got some coffee from makeup and things went relatively smoothly, as did the rest of the day. Now I'm knackered, but that's a good thing since I'm heading to bed! Up (not quite as) early again tomorrow, which will be a holiday compared to our previous days since we'll be shooting in a studio at school, which means no having to find a location, no co-ordinating extras from and to bus stops and waiting areas and bathrooms and set, no scurrying around in ice-cold puddles all day, no fog or drizzle or snow storms or cold or rain, not getting lost, no confusion about who drives what car where... it'll be heaven! I just have to wake up, get to school, and then I just have to stay there all day long. And there's a 7-eleven just across the street. With proper, good, wonderful 7-eleven coffee. No more awful, toxic, (and in the case of outside shoots, iced) coffee you usually get on set. Okay, that was a bit of an exaggeration (not about the ice, you left your cup for more than five minutes, you could turn it upside down and the coffee would stay in the cup) coffee is still coffee, it could never be awful (unless you put anything in it)

But yes, anyway, sleep! and tomorrow: massive zombie shoot out extravaganza with real stunt men and fake weapons and cool special effects! woo hoo!

By the end of this shoot, the film crew won't need makeup to jump in as zombie extras...

2010-02-26T17:03:00.000+01:00

Another crazy day on the zombie film shoot, and it's (definitely) not over yet. I actually left the team, cast and crew (we we've been shooting in three different ext. locations today, and when I left they were filming in the very central part of Stockholm, as central as you can probably be, on a roped off stretch of street just above Sergels Torg) to go into school and phone all the extras with call-times and meeting place for monday the 1st, something that my assistant was supposed to do but couldn't and he's also unable to help me out tomorrow, so instead of doing just my job tomorrow, I have to delegate and do both of ours, but I don't think it'll be a problem (and by that, I mean it's not literally impossible)

It's just that I have to, yet again, get up at four o'clock to catch the night bus to the tube and head into town to be at the school before half past five, which is when our first group of zombie extras will be arriving, and basically my task is to co-ordinate them between makeup and costume and then to the car that will take them to set, and then the next group will arrive at seven and after I've greeted them and shown them where the makeup artists are, I'll have to run to catch the tube which will take me to the meeting place for all the other extras that are coming tomorrow but who aren't zombies, and I have to gather them around me and herd them into whichever car the team can spare at that time and make sure they get driven to set...

I can just picture those of you who know me, or knew me, I should say, before this production, how I was then with structure, schedules and organizing things... I'm learning so much on this internship! I call people up on the phone left right and center, I keep track of names and dates and times and tasks, even without my notes, I keep notes, I even have a huge binder with all my papers in one place... no little crumbled up post-it notes, no scribbles on the back of my hand... I know!

Okay, back to work! The only reason I had time to update this blog is that I was still waiting for the address of the location for monday and the call-times (we do everything, literally, at the last minute in this production... it's just how we roll!)

Det är ni som e de konstiga, det är jag som e normal

2010-02-08T13:55:00.000+01:00

The most amazing thing happened the other night. I was working late on the zombie film and Anja phoned me, she was at the train station about to go home to Värmland for the weekend, and was just about to buy her ticket when her brother had phoned and said he had two extra tickets for Thåström! So obviously, since she loves Thåström just as I do, she decided to delay her departure until the next morning and phoned me! So more impromptu than ever I went to a Thåström concert with Anja, her older brother (also the dad of my darling child actor in my short film - that I've finally come up with a title for, by the way... "Vi stannar här" - We're staying here.) and his, slightly toasted friends. It was awesome and magical and fantastic. I love Thåström. When everyone else listened to Backstreet boys and Spice girls, back in the day, I listen to Ebba Grön and Imperiet (which is funny, because apparantly Anja's brother had said the exact same thing to her, except instead of Backstreet boys and Spice girls it was Per Gessle. The previous generation. And Thåström's still standing!)

I'm in the production room of the zombie film right now. People are going mad with stress. We start shooting on Saturday and nothing is done! It's still fun though.

Vitamin water, the new cigarettes?

2010-02-03T15:42:00.000+01:00

Hello everyone, once again, it's been a while, I apologise. That's the thing with blogging though, when you have things to write about you don't have the time to, and when you have time to update your blog you really have nothing interesting to say so you ramble on about your cat, the weather, cornflakes and quote music lyrics that really speak to you for some unearthly reason to pass yourself off as deep. But anyway.

I got a crash course in Avid from editor on the Argentina film, and then I started my second intership, which it'll only last a few days total by the looks of it, I've been doing it for two days, and then when the remaining material arrives it'll probably be one more. What I do is that I get the footage up on the screen and find the frame where the clapper comes together, then I go to the sound file for that take and listen for the sound of the clap and time them together so that the footage and sound are in sync with each other. When you've done that with all the material, you cut it up into clips, starting after "Action" and ending before "Cut" and categorize them. This so that it will be easier for the editor to start editing the film. Basically the dirty work of the editing process, although the editor has been working simultaneously with me, so he didn't take me in so that he wouldn't have to do it himself, but so it would go faster and he could start editing sooner. He's also editing the zombie film, and I overheard him talking to a class mate about a script he's written, so he's pretty busy by the sounds of it.

As am I, because beside these two internships, we've also started an evening course in sound editing now and we're starting to plan our next projects, whilst finishing up our previous ones. So plenty of irons in the fire! (and I love it!)

My next project is a short film, a drama, I've already written the script and I also want to direct it, and this time, act in it as well. It's called "Vargens timma" (The wolf's hour. Not to be mistaken for Hour of the wolf, which was my initial idea for the title, until I realized it was already taken by Ingmar Bergman in 1967...), after that I want to do a novella film (which is in-between short and feature length, and is half an hour, which I think is pretty Swedish, or at least I never heard of it in Vancouver... but bascially it's like in literature you have short story, novella and novel... only in Sweden there's no term for novella, which is pretty ironic, but anyway, I'm getting off the topic...) which I've also written the script for, "Brev till min mamma" (Letter to my mother) and after that I have two feature length ideas and one idea that can be either a novella or a feature, I haven't decided yet, but it's inspired by the (not so good) movie "Two girls and a guy" with Robert Downey, Jr. but in my film all three actually get together like a triple (as opposed to couple) and don't just talk about it for two hours, and I think it'll end with one of the girls getting pregnant and the trio deciding to raise the child together and continue living like a family. What do you think? That's my romantic comedy, by the way. The other two features are much more gruesome and extreme. Lots of sex and violence. And sexually confused and deviated characters. And bad language. And good music. And smoking, lots of smoking, because even though I'm starting to dislike it more and more myself in reality, whenever I write something, my characters turn out to be smokers, because I still have some semi-subconscious notion that smoking is cool. Well, it does look cool on film, especially with the right lighting. Like the opening sequence in "A guide to recognizing your saints" with Robert Downey, Jr. It's just him, sitting on a dark stage, holding a lit cigarette, and steeling himself to start reading from his book, and the lighting is sort of golden, and the smoke is blue. It's really quite beautiful.

Speaking of beautiful. The footage from Argentina is gorgeous. The photographer is really talented. I love it. I forget her last name now, but her first name is Iga, I have to get back to you with her last name, because you'll want to keep track of her in the future.

A quick update!

2010-01-27T15:56:00.000+01:00

First of all, I'd like to apologise for being MIA these past weeks. I've been sort of busy.

We're still casting for the zombie film, but we should be done with that by the end of this week. It's been really fun. We've been casting regular actors for the human roles, groups of extras as zombies, children as zombies being lobotomised! Yeah, I know... and today, there is a cup of maggots in the office! a sample for the maggots we're going to need for all the dead bodies in the film, you know... regular white ones, and dark red ones as well, I didn't even know there were red ones, they're really cool-looking!

Monday night I went to the Guldbaggegalan after party with Anja, and Ragnar and Tobbe were there from our class as well. It was sort dry at first, people crowding the place, sipping drinks and mingling (my favourites) and lots of B-list (and some A-list) celebrities looking past you like you were a ghost and making bee-lines for other celebrities and comparing current CV statuses, basically, not fun, very on the surface and high-brow, but then, magically, at two o'clock, things changed, they started playing fun dance music and people started letting loose and loads of people were dancing, and for the last hour, Anja and I had a blast dancing, it was so much fun. I crashed at Anja's place afterwards. Then but into the frey the next day, which was twice as long as usual, which it'll be today as well, because our sound course has started, and the lessons start at six and end at around ten at night.

Okay, our advanced extra, a miss Maria something, is here to audition for the priest! Have to go!

Up the rabbit hole.

2010-01-07T10:01:00.000+01:00

So I'm sitting in school now, and I'm the only one too, besides some staff members, and it's getting light outside but I got here when it was still dark about an hour ago, only to realize I don't actually have anything that I can do, because what I was supposed to do was call around to a bunch of strangers that have shown their interest in being zombie extras in the film and book about 160 of them for group auditions for monday and tuesday next week, but since no studios seem to be available for booking, I can't very well book any zombies because we won't have anywhere to put them and it's not like we can have the auditions in the hallway... and despite having slept on and off for three days, I'm getting tired already, can you believe it? I didn't sleep any this morning, which is probably why... I woke up at half past nine last night and I've been up since, so I guess, that's twelve hours, yeah it makes sense that I'm getting tired doesn't it? or does it? how long do you usually stay awake in a normal day if you're a normal person? you get up at like seven, you go to bed at what eleven? ten? no that's fifteen-sixteen hours, I shouldn't be getting tired yet... which means that in three or four hours I'll probably krasch. Great. Then, since there is no-one here to keep watch over me and make sure that I'm being productive, I'll cave in and go home and fall asleep and then wake up at midnight and still be stuck in this upside-down day rhythm... Great.

I feel like I'm not really real. And this is a deleted scene from a Roy Andersson film, or something. The bleak light. The falling snow outside the window next to me. The quiet around me. Except for the very annoying tick-tock of a clock somewhere.

My teacher Hanna had left an envelope for me at reception with my letter of recommendation that she's written for my grant application, though, and it was really flattering. So that made it worth while to show up here this morning.

Back in my room.

2010-01-05T23:50:00.000+01:00

Four walls, the smell of candles, sweat, dust
Empty notebooks prop the desk
My coffee cooling in a cup on top; it's got butterflies on it
I'm chasing the tail end
of a woken dream

*

Back in my room, and you won't believe me, but this is the first time I've been properly awake since I got back, I've literally been in bed, sleeping on and off, for three days... guess I was exhausted. The worry still has its claws in me, be at least I've been properly rested now. And I've been watching some Disney Classics from my childhood, it started with Basil Mouse, since I'm harbouring a Sherlock Holmes obsession ever since the movie premiere, but then became a Disney marathon with Mulan, Beauty & the Beast, The sword in the stone and Robin Hood. All in Swedish, of course, since these are copies from my old childhood VHS collection. Nostalgia at its best, are VHS tapes. And cassette tapes. Casette mix tapes. I've been meaning to start doing mix CD:s but I never got around to it. Now it's all digital, you make fanmixes and you make a back and front cover images in Photoshop as though people are actually going to burn a CD out of the files...

Awesome movie: "Mannen som slutade röka".

2010

2010-01-02T17:45:00.000+01:00

So, 2010. A decade since the new millenium started. Time flies when you're having a decent time, right. So tomorrow this intermission will end, I'll go back to Stockholm with my parents. My niece Milou's birthday is on the 4th and they're having her party tomorrow, and then I'll get a ride home afterwards. Back to reality (funny how the definition of "reality" is subject to such wide interpretations, when you work with film for example, the definition is almost contradictory to the true meaning of the word, if you think about it...)

So guess who fulfilled their two new year's resolutions for 2009? (they were to quit a certain special someone Brokeback-style, and to finish my book, for those of you who don't remember or haven't been told...) I think that's the first time that's ever happened to me... I'm making it a bit easier this time around in order to achieve some sort of winning streak; I resolve to make a film, no specifics on the length or budget or success, only that it should not be part of my curriculum, i.e. not a school production, so either a project I'll do in my spare time if I'm still in school, or after this course is over. My second resolution is to get my fourth tattoo, because I couldn't think of anything else on the spot.

News for today: snow, lots and lots of snow. About a metre of it, and not the good kind either, that you can make things with (we call it "hug snow" - not really, but directly translated, but it comes from "hugging" the snow into a snowball kind of thing, but yeah, hug snow, and I always loved that name for it as a kid) but the flimsy kind that gets everywhere at the slightest touch of a breeze.

Another yuletide poem

2009-12-27T18:22:00.001+01:00

I paint the christmas lights
black and blue
and a questionably green shade of purple
But as I flick the switch
it all looks grey;

And I'm thinking of you.

-- December 2009